“You’re lying,? Magnus accused her. “I can see it in your face.?
“I’m not lying! I just—for a moment the name rang a bell, that’s all. Faintly.?
“If you don’t remember the man, how can you swear to me that you never had an affair with him??
“I’d know!? she declared. “Don’t you think I’d know?“
“Maybe,? he said slowly, taking a few steps away from the window into the pool of light. “Or maybe that’s what you were trying to blot out of your mind when it went haywire on you. The fact that you loved him, and he’d left you. Left you carrying his child.?
Jade felt all the blood drain out of her face. She whispered, “His child??
Magnus’s face might have been carved in stone. His mouth was a hard, ungiving line.
Shaking her head, she said, “It was your child! She looked like you!?
It was, she realised immediately, a mad thing to say. She’d never seen the prematurely born baby, had not even known what sex it really was. The little girl who had been her companion for two years wasn’t real, only a figment of her then abnormal imagination. “I mean,? she stammered, “she—it—? why did that feel like a betrayal? “—it was yours. It couldn’t have been anyone else’s.?
“Couldn’t??
Her mind had gone off on a tangent. She said, “That’s why you frightened me so when you came to see me at the hospital. You tried to hide it, but I knew that you wanted to hurt me—that you hated the baby.?
“You didn’t have any baby by then.?
“I know, but I was right, wasn’t I??
“Yes!? he admitted at last. “I wouldn’t have laid a finger on you, but if you’re talking about gut feelings, baser instincts, yes. I felt like killing you, and if you hadn’t already lost the child—I suppose I’d have felt the same way about...her, although obviously the child was totally innocent. I hoped—I tried—to get over those reactions, to be reasonable about the whole thing. It wasn’t surprising you’d turned to someone else for the emotional support that I’d failed to give you, and as for the baby—I’m sorry I didn’t hide my emotions better. It can’t have helped.?
“You’re still angry, aren’t you? That’s why you’ve been afraid of hurting me.?
He breathed deeply, fighting for control. He wouldn’t look at her, apparently talking to the wall opposite. “For so long I’d concentrated on helping you get well, telling myself that nothing else mattered as much as that. I didn’t realise that the anger was still there, that I’d only succeeded in hiding it, not conquering it.? He paused. “I spelled it out for you before we went to the Hokianga. You said you’d take the risk.?
Hushed, staring at him, she said, “If you’ve bottled it up for all that time, no wonder you were afraid you’d not be able to contain it. But I knew I was in no danger from you. You’re not violent.?
“If I’d ever got hold of your bloody Patrick, I’d have wrung his damned neck!?
“He’s not my Patrick,? she protested, without hope. Then, as the words penetrated, “You don’t know where he is??
“I don’t even know who he is. All I have to go on is a first name.?
She blinked at him. “Then how can you accuse me of sleeping with him? Where did you get this story??
He looked at her. “From you.?
It was like a blow in the stomach. “Me? What did I say? Magnus—you know I was hallucinating! I really am not responsible for half of what I said and did. Surely you understand that??
“You didn’t say anything at all about him,? Magnus said, “even to the doctors—as far as I know. It was what you wrote in your diary that gave you away.?
“I don’t keep a diary!?
He cast her another penetrating, sceptical look. “You did, for a while. I suppose it was more of a journal—a very secret journal. Not so much a day-to-day diary as random jottings, although you did record the dates of the entries. It covered the last couple of months before you drove your car over the cliff.?
“And you read it??
“For that,? he said, his voice suddenly clipped, “I apologise. But you’d just nearly killed yourself, you’d been moved to the psychiatric wing for assessment, and I was desperate. I thought—it might throw some light on what was happening. Well....? His mouth twisted. “...It did that all right.?
“You’ve got it all wrong!? she said passionately. “Show it to me! I’ll prove that you’ve got it wrong.?
He shook his head. “I can’t. I...burnt it.?
Jade stared at him. “Burnt my journal??
He frowned. “I know I had no right—either to read it, or burn it. But it’s done, now.?
“Then,? she said, her lips feeling stiff, “you’ve left me no way to defend myself.?
“It would hardly have helped,? he said sardonically. Coming closer to the bed, he seemed to loom threateningly over her. “Do you want me to quote you some passages from it? The last entry is burned on my brain. ‘I don’t know how I’m going to survive. Patrick, how could you walk away when you know how much I need you? I can feel myself slipping into a black abyss, it’s swallowing me up. Oh, Patrick, please. Please don’t go away. I can’t manage alone. Without you, I’ll die.’ Do you want to hear more??
Jade swallowed hard. “I—can’t have written that,? she said. “I couldn’t have.?
“I do know your handwriting—even if I hadn’t found the journal hidden under the nightwear in your drawer. And you’d written about me, too.?
“You??
“I don’t figure as largely as the beloved Patrick,“ he said with extreme sarcasm, “but there were obviously times when you remembered that you had an inconvenient husband. ‘I can’t keep it secret from Magnus much longer. Patrick says I’ll have to tell him. But I’m afraid.’ With good reason. If I’d known what was going on—?
“Did you read it all??
“No. It sickened me too much. And besides, I—couldn’t help but realise that I was never meant to see it. The reason I burnt it was to remove the morbid temptation to read and reread every word.?
“But you’re taking bits out of context—?
“I read enough to realise that you’d been seeing this—man on a regular basis. Enough to know that you became utterly dependent on him. You wrote that you told him things about yourself that you’d never told anyone before, that your—relationship—was more intimate than marriage.? Ignoring her small sound of shock, Magnus went on, “And his threat to leave you was enough to sink you into total despair. Was it because you refused to tell me about him, to ask for your freedom, that he left??
“No!? Jade pressed a hand to her temples, dropped it again and shook her head. “I don’t know! It makes no sense.?
“No? Not even, ‘I need to talk to Patrick about the baby. He has to help me. I don’t know what to do.’ What did you do, Jade? I found out about your pregnancy only because the doctors told me you’d miscarried after the ‘accident.’ Do you know what a fool I felt, accepting their commiserations for the loss of a baby I hadn’t even known about? If you wanted to get rid of it there were easier ways, less dangerous for yourself. Or had you already done something before you drove off that cliff? Was that why you decided to take your own life, too??
“Magnus, don’t! I told you, I didn’t drive over the cliff on purpose!?
“You just said you don’t even remember it. You’re beginning to get your stories muddled, Jade.?
“It’s not true! I would never have done a thing like that—?
“You were desperate enough to do anything, it seems. Even to ending your own life along with the one you carried. Pregnant by a lover who’d deserted you, and afraid to tell your husband—?
Jade bit her lip. “I just can’t accept it,? she said, starting to shiver. “Why are you doing this to me, Magnus??
“You think I’m making it up??
She was silent. Of course he wouldn’t do that. “No,? she admitted. “I think you really believe it. But the whole thing is fantastic, and—what p
roof do you have? You destroyed the—evidence. If I could see it, I might remember—be able to explain.? A thought struck her. “Maybe Patrick was an imaginary confidant. Someone I could pour out all my private thoughts and fears to, but not a real person at all. A sort of ‘Dear Diary’ figure personified.?
Magnus gave a short, scornful laugh. “I considered that. Nearly had myself convinced, too, for a while. But it won’t wash. He was real enough.?
“How do you know? Our—my daughter was real to me, too. For a long while. But she never really existed, not in the way I knew her.?
“For one thing, you were not that sick at the time. It was after you lost the baby that things went seriously wrong.?
“How would you know how sick I was? I was still hiding it quite well, but maybe I was already having delusions. You were away a lot. I was under stress, which you didn’t seem to notice.? He winced slightly, and she knew she was being unfair. She’d made heroic efforts to hide her stress from him, determined to be the strong, rocklike helpmeet that he needed. He’d told her often how much he relied on that strength, how grateful he was for it. And she’d been proud of her ability to conceal the toll it took—with the pride that goeth before a fall, she realised in retrospect. “Maybe,? she suggested, “I needed some imaginary—friend.?
“Friend??
“All right, then, lover!“ she snapped. “If you insist that’s what he was. Don’t you think it’s a little ridiculous to be jealous of someone who only ever existed in my mind??
“If that’s so,? Magnus drawled, “why did you have to ask Lida to lie to me about where you really were??
“Lida??
“Have you conveniently forgotten her, too? Lida, your ex-flatmate. Who covered for you when you were going to an assignation with your lover.?
“I know who she is!? Jade muttered. This was growing more bizarre by the moment. Lida had turned up at their wedding looking exceedingly glamorous, and Graeme Upton, the junior partner, had kept staring as though he didn’t pass by her desk every morning and had never seen her before. Three months afterwards tfo, Lida giving up her job with the greatest relief to “stay home and breed babies,? she’d cheerfully told Jade, accepting her congratulations. Without a blink she added, “The first is already on the way. You might as well know. Everyone will, pretty soon.?
“Lida,? Jade repeated now.
Impatiently Magnus told her, “You used to meet Patrick when you took my mother to Auckland for physiotherapy, pretending you were visiting Lida. I asked you to have lunch with me on one of those days, when I knew you would be in town. You said Lida was expecting you. I phoned her at lunch-time, hoping to speak to you, and she seemed very vague, then eventually said you’d left early to do some shopping before picking up my mother from the physio’s. I thought nothing of it at the time, but later I realised the truth.?
“What truth?? Jade made her voice as withering as she could. She was certain that whatever evidence he thought he had, it was purely circumstantial. In her bones she knew she would never have been unfaithful to Magnus. “You’re jumping to conclusions!?
“Lida knew about Patrick. She said I’d only myself to blame. The way I’d treated you, it was no wonder you’d gone out and got yourself another feller, was how she put it.?
Jade closed her eyes. “Lida said that??
“I expect she was right, but having her tell me so didn’t help me feel less murderous.?
Jade sighed. Lida had at first not realised what Jade’s decision to leave her job entailed. “Good for you,? she’d said. “No more slaving over a hot typewriter. Let Magnus keep you in the style to which I’d like to be accustomed.?
Jade hadn’t explained that it was because Magnus now couldn’t afford to keep anyone in the style Lida was thinking of that she was leaving. The one occasion when Lida visited Waititapu, some time after her own wedding, and quite visibly pregnant, it had turned out to be the worst time she could have chosen. Mrs. Riordan had suffered a physical setback, resulting in wet sheets that Jade was washing when Lida arrived. Mortified, Mrs. Riordan had been displaying an even more haughty manner than usual, so that at one stage Lida had whispered to Jade, “Why do you put up with it??
“It’s not usually this bad, she’s just compensating.?
Lida snorted. “If you ask me, she’s an ungrateful old witch. Does Magnus let her treat you like that??
With a wintry smile, Jade said, “Magnus is hardly ever here, these days. She can’t help it, you know. The stroke has made her very bad-tempered.?
“You mean she was a sweet old thing before?? Lida asked sceptically. “I must admit, I’d never have picked it.?
Jade had laughed a little. She’d met Mrs. Riordan a few times prior to her illness, as Lida must have, and it had never been her impression that Magnus’s mother was sweet. Forceful, more like, and occasionally gracious in a regal sort of way. “She wasn’t so unreasonable or so demanding. It’s hard for her, being almost helpless like this.?
“As hard as it is for you?? Lida demanded. “Can’t Magnus afford to get proper nursing help for her? Or send her to a rest-home??
“She won’t hear of a rest-home, and neither will Magnus,? Jade explained, leaving the other question unanswered. She knew Magnus wouldn’t have thanked her for spreading news about the family’s financial crisis.
* * *
“When did Lida tell you I’d been...having an affair?? Jade asked, trying to make some kind of sense out of what Magnus had told her.
His smile was more of a grimace. “At the office Christmas party. I gather she and Graeme had been having an argument on the way. Lida had a bit too much to drink, over Graeme’s protests, and in the course of the evening decided to hold forth on the evils of marriage and men in general. After she’d finished embarrassing her husband she decided to start on me. That’s when she said she’d agreed to cover for you when you were meeting Patrick.?
Jade gasped. “She said that in front of the whole staff??
“A good proportion of it, anyway. Including my partners—and my sister.?
“Danella?? Of course, the girl had been working in his office then. No wonder Danella still didn’t like her. And no doubt she’d told her mother the story, too. Possibly even her brothers, unless Magnus had managed to stop her. “You believed all this?? she asked Magnus. “If Lida was drunk, and angry, I don’t suppose she knew what she was saying.?
“She knew well enough. She enjoyed off-loading a few home truths she’d obviously been storing up. Anyway, added to the entries in the diary—journal—it seems pretty conclusive to me.?
Her heart sinking like a stone, Jade had to admit it sounded damning to her. “But if this—Patrick was so important, how could I have forgotten all about him??
“Perhaps,? Magnus suggested sombrely, “because he was so important that you couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing him again. You couldn’t take that, so your mind conveniently expunged all memory of him.?
But I love you! her mind cried silently. She opened her lips, but the expression on his face was so forbidding, so full of some kind of grim distaste, that the words died before she could utter them. “No,? she murmured, dropping her head into her hands. “No, you’re wrong. You’re wrong about all of this!?
“I wish that were so.?
Her mind cast about feverishly for an explanation. “Maybe he was a doctor! I was pregnant—?
Magnus shook his head. “Your G.P.’s name is Leon, remember??
“A gynaecologist, then—?
“Leon would have known if you’d been seeing a specialist. I checked that out with him. He said you’d seen him a couple of times and the pregnancy had seemed perfectly normal. Of course, he thought I knew all about it. He’s another who offered me sympathy for my supposed loss.?
Defeated, Jade fell silent.
Then Magnus said, with an odd formality, “I’m sorry if all this is news to you, now—it’s obviously upset you. But do you really think denial is going to help our relationship??
With a fierce uprush of anger, Jade lifted her head. “I don’t care how much ‘evidence’ you have. I feel...betrayed that you believe it against my word.?
“I don’t have a lot of choice.?
“Yes, you do! I’m your wife—the woman you’re supposed to love, and...and trust—? Her voice broke and she turned away from him, biting her lip hard, hoping the pain would stop her tears.
It didn’t work, and she couldn’t stop the sob that escaped, either.
She felt his weight depress the bed. He put his hand on her shoulder. “Jade—?
“Don’t touch me!? she said hoarsely, pulling away. Her voice rose. “I’m surprised you can even bring yourself to!?
“Don’t get yourself worked up,? he said with careful calm. “Please.?
She turned on him. “Don’t you think I’m entitled, when you’ve just accused me of cheating on my marriage? It is a bit of a shock, you know!?
He stood up. “Where are those tranquillisers??
Her anger went white-hot, but she swallowed it with a superhuman effort. “I don’t need a tranquilliser,? she said, gritting her teeth. “I’m not going to fall to pieces over this, I promise you. I just—? she swallowed and went on steadily “—would like to be left alone, if you don’t mind.?
She thought he was going to argue. Then he shrugged and said, “If that’s how you feel. I’ll sleep in the other room, then. Let me know if there’s anything you want.?
“I may never want anything from you again!? she said as he made to go.
He turned back, and she thought he was going to come over to the bed, touch her again. In anger or an attempt to soothe, she didn’t know. But every nerve ending prickled at the thought. If he came near she would, she knew, erupt into some kind of physical violence.
But he stayed where he was, immobile, perhaps sensing her mood. After a while he said, “Perhaps in the morning you’ll see things more clearly.?
“I see perfectly clearly now, thank you,? she said. “You don’t trust me, you don’t believe in me—you took me back on sufferance when I came out of the hospital—? She was almost choking on her rage and hurt. “Was it because you were sorry for me??
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