Through The Barricades: Winner of the SCBWI SPARK Award 2017

by Denise Deegan

  ‘Father, may I read the newspaper when you have finished?’ He needed suddenly, to know the world.

  His father looked pleasantly surprised. ‘You can read it now if you have finished your studies.’

  Daniel went to retrieve the newspaper, hoping that, in its pages, he would discover a peaceful path to freedom, if such a thing existed.

  Days later, at a dance organised by Na Fianna to raise funds for The Defence of Ireland Fund, Daniel, Patrick and Maggie stood side by side, watching the dance floor, catching their breath after five in a row.

  ‘Two o’clock,’ Patrick said.

  Daniel turned to locate the latest girl Patrick had selected for praise. He did it to humour him. In reality, Daniel had eyes for one girl only and she was standing right beside him in trousers and cap. And she was not happy. Arms folded, she was looking dead ahead, ignoring Patrick’s commentary.

  ‘Ruairí,’ Patrick called over the music. ‘I think you’ve an admirer.’ He nodded to a girl opposite who immediately looked away. ‘Why don’t you go on over?’

  ‘Why don’t you go if you’re so keen?’ Maggie snapped.

  ‘Sure, why don’t I call her over, altogether?’

  Daniel laughed.

  Maggie stared at him, then stomped from the hall.

  ‘He’s a shy little bastard, all the same,’ Patrick said.

  Daniel went after her. He had no idea what had her so vexed but he shouldn’t have laughed all the same.

  He found her outside, down the side of the building, facing into the wall. Her shoulders were shaking. Was she crying?

  He went to her. ‘Maggie, are you all right?’

  ‘Go away,’ she said without turning.

  ‘What is it?’ he asked, gently.

  ‘Leave me alone.’

  ‘I’m sorry I laughed. I-’

  Then she was flying past him. ‘I’m going home.’

  ‘Wait! I’ll go with you.’

  ‘I don’t want you to.’

  ‘And I don’t want you to go alone.’

  ‘Tough bloody luck.’ She grabbed her bicycle and was away.

  She had forgotten her jacket, he realised. With a sigh, he went back inside to get it for her.

  eleven

  Maggie

  They had only just joined Na Fianna and already they were up in the Dublin Mountains with them. After a day of drills, target practice and manoeuvres, Maggie and Daniel were sent to fetch wood for a campfire.

  Maggie kicked at the undergrowth. She did not know what was annoying her. It seemed to be her permanent state lately – infuriation – mostly at Daniel, though he’d done nothing wrong. Even now, he was doing all the work, his arms filling with sticks.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ he asked.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Then give me a hand, you slacker,’ he joked.

  ‘I’m not your little brother.’ She turned from him and hurried to collect kindle. What was wrong with her? She couldn’t understand it.

  From all about them came the patter of raindrops.

  Maggie looked up through the trees. ‘Oh for crying out loud!’

  ‘What?’ he asked.

  ‘I left my bloody coat back at the camp.’

  He smiled. ‘You’d think it was the end of the world.’

  ‘Stop laughing at me.’

  ‘I’m not laughing at you, Maggie. I’m baffled by you.’

  He came to her then, removing his coat and settling it over her shoulders. She felt the warmth of his body from it. She looked up at him. Then she was saying it.

  ‘Why do you always treat me like a boy?’

  ‘You know why.’

  ‘You think I’m boyish, don’t you?’

  ‘Isn’t that what you’re aiming for?’

  ‘That’s not what I meant.’

  ‘Then what did you mean?’

  ‘You don’t see me as a girl, at all, do you?’ She turned from him as sudden, infuriating tears ambushed her. She busied herself with a desperate search for decent wood not those annoying twigs that seemed to be everywhere.

  There was a long silence.

  At last, she could bear it no longer and turned to see what he was doing.

  He was standing very still, watching her. ‘Come here,’ he said, his voice soft, different.

  She didn’t budge.

  ‘Come here.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Maggie.’

  ‘What?’ she demanded.

  They stood, eyes locked. He let the sticks fall. Then he was walking towards her, his eyes holding hers. Her heart raced. And there he was, before her, so close that she took a step back. He took another forward.

  ‘Of course I see you as a girl,’ he said huskily. ‘Despite this silly hat.’ He reached out and removed it. He settled her hair back in place, his touch making her shiver and gasp. ‘You’ve girl hair – despite hacking it to bits.’ His voice was hoarse. ‘And girl eyebrows.’ He ran his thumbs slowly along them. ‘And a girl mouth.’ He touched her lips so lightly it tickled. Her whole body ached for him, Daniel, her best friend. What was happening?

  He answered with a kiss.

  But his kiss was a question too.

  And her answer was another kiss.

  His hands were in her hair, then cupping her face then wrapping around her and pulling her close. He whispered her name. And she closed her eyes. So this was what was wrong with her; this was what she’d been longing for without even knowing it.

  He pulled back, gazed down at her and smiled. ‘Do you know how long I’ve wanted to do that?’ he asked, voice deeper than she had ever heard it. Gravelly.

  She shook her head, in absolute shock.

  ‘Since you punched Michael.’

  She could not believe it. ‘Honestly?’

  ‘Honestly.’

  ‘I wish I’d been nicer to you.’

  ‘That would only have made you like everyone else.’ He held her to him and rested his chin on her head.

  Her heart soared. She had never been happier, all those minutes, hours, days, months, years she had been alive. She gazed up at him. ‘When you told me you liked me all the more for being queer, that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.’

  He bent down and kissed her. ‘You make me happy, Maggie Gilligan.’

  ‘You make me happier, Daniel Healy.’

  ‘Is it a competition?’ He smiled.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Then I suppose we should see who’s best.’ He kissed her again, slowly, his tongue parting her lips. She pressed herself to him and, as the rain splattered about them, they could barely contain themselves.

  A sudden rustling, a snapped twig and they jumped apart. Here, they were brothers.

  They turned to the sound.

  ‘It’s a deer!’ Maggie laughed in relief.

  Daniel continued to look around. ‘We’d better get back before they send out a search party.’

  ‘Let them find us. I don’t care.’

  He smiled. ‘Here, put back on your silly hat,’ he said, putting it back himself and stealing another kiss.

  She wanted to stay in the woods forever. Kissing him. And getting used to this new place they had arrived at together. She could not believe it. Did she know nothing of herself? Of him? Of the world?

  Walking back, she longed for his touch. She made do with gazing up at his face, her favourite in the world. How she wanted to stroke his cheek, pull his head down and feel his mouth again. She shook her head. It was incredible; despite her shorn hair, Daniel liked her as a girl. He had wanted to kiss her since they’d first met! She hadn’t been ready until... the night of the dance, she realised. She’d have welcomed a kiss that night. The thought astounded her.

  As they approached the camp, they moved apart. She dropped the wood by the campfire and wiped her hands on her trousers.

  ‘Is that all ye have?’ Patrick said. ‘I thought ye’d have collected a forest by now. I was about to come looking for
ye.’

  ‘We can go back for more,’ she said. She looked at Daniel, longing for him.

  ‘Ah, you’re grand. I was only pulling your leg.’

  They sat across the campfire from each other. She forced her eyes to stay on the flames, watching them spark up into the sky. But they returned to him all by themselves. And when she found him looking at her, it was as though a missing piece of her life had slotted into place. She had been lonely and had not known it. His smile seemed different now, as if for her alone. And as they all sang A Nation Once Again, her voice soared like a bird’s up into the starry sky.

  After they had eaten, one by one, they recounted their favourite rebel tales. Maggie told of Red Hugh O’Donnell’s escape from captivity in Dublin Castle and how he battled the elements in the Wicklow Mountains and had to have half his foot sawn off on account of frostbite. She finished to applause.

  Only Daniel wasn’t clapping. He was frowning. She could not understand why but it bothered her more than it ever would have before.

  Later, they shared a tent with four others. As the lantern was dimmed, he seemed preoccupied. Did he regret the kiss? Was he worried that everything would change between them now? She was. She valued his friendship more than anything in the world. Had she lost it? Should she talk to him about it? Could she? She had always been so sure of herself with him. Was this, too, going to change?

  She tossed and turned and, at length, slept.

  He woke her just before dawn and they stole into the woods. They reached for each other and pressed together, bodies, mouths, skin, breaths. It had only been hours, but it felt like they had been a lifetime apart. She needed this like air. She would give up anything for it, yes, even their friendship. No. No, not that. She pulled back.

  ‘Danny. We can still be friends, can’t we?’

  He brushed back her hair and looked into her eyes. ‘Maggie Gilligan, we will always be friends.’

  She felt her body deflate in relief.

  He led her further into the trees. On a fallen, moss-covered trunk, he sat her down. He took her hand in his and rubbed his thumb over her palm. All she wanted to do was kiss him but there was so much to say.

  ‘Danny. I’m so sorry for how I was with you at first. My expectations were low – to protect myself. I thought you’d let me down.’ She looked up at him. ‘But you never have.’

  ‘I never will, Maggie.’ He said it like an oath.

  They gazed into each other’s eyes.

  ‘This is more than kissing,’ he said.

  ‘What is it?’ she whispered. But she knew.

  He laughed. ‘You had to ask.’ He kissed the tip of her nose. ‘It’s love,’ he said softly, like a breath. ‘And I’ve felt it since the day I met you. Is that possible?’

  She bit her lip. ‘You’re not talking to an expert, here.’ Heart soaring, she rested her cheek against his chest. In one way, it felt like she had known him all her life. In another, it felt as if she had not known him at all, not appreciated him. She looked up at him. ‘Did I do something to upset you, last night, at the campfire?’

  He looked baffled. ‘No.’

  ‘When I was telling my story, you were frowning.’

  ‘Oh.’ He sighed deeply. ‘It’s only that, sometimes, I worry that you’ve started to believe all they say, that dying for your country is romantic and worthy, that martyrdom is the ultimate glory.’

  ‘I’m no fool, Daniel. But I am grateful to those who have sacrificed their lives, fighting for our freedom.’

  ‘There’s talk of Home Rule – freedom without a fight.’

  ‘Home Rule wouldn’t change a thing!’

  ‘We’d rule our own country!’

  ‘No. Britain would still control the army and our dealings with other nations. We need a republic, Danny, nothing less.’

  ‘Where did you learn that?’

  ‘From Patrick.’ Of all the boys in Na Fianna, he was the one most itching for action and, despite what she thought of him, Maggie admired him for that.

  ‘Perhaps he’s wrong.’

  ‘No. I asked Tom. Anyway, Home Rule would lead to civil war.’

  ‘Civil war?’

  She nodded. ‘The Unionists, up North, fear that it would give the power to us Catholics. They’re already armed. They’d fight Home Rule with force. Home Rule is the last thing we want.’

  ‘The last thing I want is for you to get hurt. You’re the most important thing in my life, Maggie Gilligan.’ He swallowed visibly.

  She looked into his eyes.

  How she could climb into them and swim around in there. How she could creep up under his shirt and burrow into the heat of his skin. How she could lose herself in him. ‘Why are we even discussing this when we could be doing this?’ She cupped his face in her hands and brought it down to hers, brought his mouth to hers. Then she closed her eyes and lost herself in him.

  Too soon, they had to return home to Dublin. Separating from him was the greatest wrench. But Maggie had the memory of how her world had changed to colour.

  In the drawing room, she gazed at the hearth and brought herself back to the campfire and Daniel’s eyes on the other side of it. She sighed.

  ‘So it’s finally happened.’

  She turned and frowned at David. ‘What’s finally happened?’

  ‘Your friend has become more than a friend.’

  Maggie stared at him as colour shot to her cheeks. ‘What?’

  ‘It was only a matter of time. Love conquers all, Maggie Mae,’ the poet of the family said knowledgably.

  ‘You read too much.’

  He chuckled. ‘That may be. But I also notice things. You’ve been giving out an awful lot about Daniel Healy, lately. An awful lot.’

  ‘Only to you. And he was annoying me.’

  ‘So he’s not an eejit after all, then?’

  She smiled, wide and dreamy. ‘No. He’s not an eejit.’ She had been the eejit. Now she imagined his face, his blue eyes speckled with gold, his generous mouth, his ready smile, the most special smile in the world. She could float up into the sky at the thought of it. She sighed again.

  ‘God, you have it bad.’

  She came to her senses. ‘Don’t tell Mam!’

  ‘Mam’ll be blind if she doesn’t see it.’

  ‘See what?’

  ‘You’re positively floating, Maggie.’

  ‘Am I?’ She smiled.

  ‘And you’ll have to stop all that smiling. God Almighty. You’re as transparent as water.’

  She bit her lip and smiled again. There was every reason in the world to. Every reason.

  twelve

  Daniel

  On a rug in the Phoenix Park, she lay with her head on his lap. He stroked her hair, still not believing that the dreams he had long ago shelved had somehow come true. Maggie loved him in return. He’d thought, up on the mountain, that he was losing her. The truth was more than he’d ever hoped for. After that first kiss he could hardly contain himself. This new vulnerability in Maggie set him on fire. He was grateful of that deer disturbing them. And yet he wasn’t. Part of him wanted to slip over that waterfall with her.

  ‘You’ve never asked about my father,’ she said now, waking him from his thoughts. ‘Did you never wonder?’

  ‘I knew you’d tell me when you were ready.’

  She sat up and kissed him. ‘You’re so patient with me, Danny.’

  ‘You have no idea!’ He laughed and kissed her forehead.

  ‘I do. You had to wait a year for me to realise that I loved you.’

  ‘I never expected it, Maggie. Friendship was enough.’ He looked at her then to see if she thought less of him.

  ‘Was it?’ she asked in surprise.

  ‘No.’ He laughed. ‘I’d just convinced myself it was.’

  She took his hand in hers, brought it to her lips and kissed it. But her smile was sad. ‘I don’t talk about him to anyone. Ever.’

  ‘You don’t have to, now.’

 
‘I want to.’ She picked a shamrock and began to pull the leaves from it. ‘He died in a fire, Danny. He saved me and went back for the others.’

  ‘God, I’m sorry, Maggie.’

  She looked up into his eyes, as though willing him to understand. ‘His last words to me were, “Make a difference in the world, Maggie.”’ Her eyes filled with tears.

  And, finally, he understood. Everything. He wondered if the man knew the full extent of what he was asking at the time. ‘What age were you?’ He was almost afraid to ask.

  ‘Eight.’

  He could have cried. Instead he pulled her to him and kissed the top of her head. He wanted more than ever to protect her from the world.

  Daniel and Michael walked off the cricket pitch, Michael tossing the ball in the air and catching it.

  Daniel looked down at his whites. ‘God, if Maggie saw me in this get up.’

  ‘Maggie,’ Michael said moodily.

  Daniel looked at him. He debated. Then finally, out of loyalty to both Maggie and Michael, he said it. ‘I love her.’

  Michael’s head swiveled. ‘Ah no, Danny!’

  ‘Ah yes.’ He smiled. Nothing could spoil his mood.

  ‘You’re doomed!’

  ‘It feels like a nice place to be.’

  ‘You know that girl is nothing but trouble.’

  Michael didn’t know the half of it. Daniel had kept Na Fianna from him. With his father in the police, he had had to. About Maggie, though, he wanted to be honest. ‘She is the most important thing in my life.’

  ‘Ah, Jesus.’

  Daniel could not stop smiling. ‘I’m too far gone for prayers.’

  ‘Jesus,’ Michael repeated.

  Daniel laughed. ‘You do know that you two would love each other if only you’d agree to meet.’

  ‘One of us under her spell is more than enough, thank you very much.’

  thirteen

  Maggie

  August 1914

  Maggie wore a pretty summer dress and matching bonnet. She had never tried harder to look like a girl. And had never been happier to be with a boy. She slipped her hand into his.