I know it was getting boring, but I said, ‘Okay,’ again. Where was this heading?
‘What she had no need to point out, although she did anyway, was that she is much, much, better looking than you.’
‘O … kay.’
‘So I’m thinking maybe we could do some re-division of labour,’ Sammy said.
I tried not to, but could only say, ‘Okay,’ once more.
‘Now, I’ll look like a dick at head office if I sack Kate, even if she does deserve it,’ Sam said matter-of-factly. Bizarrely, Kate smiled and nodded. ‘Plus, the main reason I hired her in the first place, and possibly didn’t check her references as diligently as I should have, was because I wanted her behind the bar, not stuck in here messing up the paperwork.’
‘That’s pretty shallow,’ I said.
‘It’s not shallow, it’s catering, Jim. Pretty boys and girls serving means more money in the till.’
‘He’s right,’ Kate piped in.
‘So what are you suggesting?’ I asked.
‘The idea was that Kate would take over as manager when I go back to my proper job. Then, with Mark leaving for Uni soon, we would have had to look for either an assistant manager or another charge-hand, depending on what head office was willing to pay.’
‘Okay,’ I said, getting back to normal after my pretty shallow experiment.
‘You’ve got half a brain, so I’d already figured I’d offer it to you,’ Sammy said.
‘Really?’ Okay, I thought. This was starting to get interesting.
‘But after Kate’s revelations today,’ Sammy said. Kate smiled again, totally Teflon. ‘I’m thinking we could maybe merge the jobs and have co-managers, both getting a bit more money than assistants but a bit less than sole managers. The takings have been getting better, so I think I could swing it with the high heid-yins. Kate’s up for it, so are you interested?’
‘Eh,’ I said. ‘Who’d be the licensee?’
Sammy beamed. ‘See, Kate? He actually thinks about things like that.’
Kate looked sheepish. ‘Me, until next year,’ Sammy said. ‘Then, we’ll see. We could go for joint, or one of you could take it on by yourself. What do you think?’
I thought about it deeply for a quarter of a second. ‘I’m in.’
Sammy grinned as Kate collapsed into her chair. ‘You just saved her butt,’ Sam said. ‘If you’d said no she was in the bin.’
‘What?’ I turned to Kate, whose face was suddenly drenched in relief.
‘Cheers mate,’ she said. ‘Who’d have thought telling the truth could actually work out? You give good advice.’
The burning I felt on my cheeks suggested I was blushing. ‘It could also have gone pear-shaped and you’d have been out on your arse,’ I pointed out.
‘Don’t be defeatist,’ Sammy said.
‘Yeah,’ Kate said, not so certainly.
‘So, in terms of money…’ I began, but was interrupted by the office door being thrown open.
‘You are aware there’s no one behind the feckin’ bar?’ Paula said. ‘I don’t mind helping out but for feck’s sake, I haven’t made a cappuccino for ten years.’
‘Oh keep yer thong on,’ Sammy said. ‘Jim, go.’
I went.
Six new customers plus some stragglers from lunch wanting coffee kept me occupied for twenty-minutes. Paula had done most of the work before I got there. ‘Riding a bike,’ I shouted to her as the milk frothed for the last latte on order.
‘What did you call me?’ she shouted back.
‘No, you serving, it’s like riding a bike.’ The frothing complete and the milky nonsense poured, I could speak at a normal volume again. ‘I bet you clicked straight back into it.’
‘Sadly, yes,’ Paula said. ‘I got eight quid in tips, too.’
‘Nice one. You do understand that by rights that eight quid is mine.’
‘Feck off, it’s the first money I’ve earned in months. So what was all that about in there?’ Paula nodded towards the office.
‘I think I got a promotion.’
Paula’s eyes went oval. ‘Did Sam sack her?’
‘No, ‘fraid not. We’re going to be co-managers, apparently.’
‘What the feck’s a co-manager?’
‘No idea, but I’m one.’
‘And she’s the other one?’ Paula didn’t look too happy about this.
‘Seems that way,’ I said. ‘Turns out Sammy reckons she’s too good looking to lose.’
‘Did that big poof say that?’
‘Basically,’ I confirmed.
Sammy came out of the office, jacket on. ‘Hiya Poll-doll,’ he said to Paula, who was back on her bar stool. ‘Thanks for helping out, I needed a wee word with your man, there.’ He perched himself on the stool next to her.
‘So I’m hearing,’ Paula said. ‘I take it this co-manager business is your invention?’
‘It’s the best I could come up with,’ Sammy said. ‘Short notice, limited options, you know how it is.’ I tried not to be offended.
‘And she’s too beautiful to lose?’ Paula didn’t look pleased, but it wasn’t with me for once so I didn’t care.
‘She’s a cute wee lady,’ Sammy said. ‘Unless I can tempt you back, I don’t have a lot of choice.’ Big sook. ‘The place needs a face. Mark’s leaving, Lucy and Natalie are part-time and Jim’s, well, he’s Jim, God love him.’
‘Hey,’ I said.
‘Fair play,’ Paula said, laughing.
‘Hey!’ I said again.
In concert, Paula and Sammy looked directly at me, faces straight and backs upright. I tried to stare them both out simultaneously, but it wasn’t an easy challenge.
Someone wise but sadly lost to the mists of ethanol once taught me that in order to stare someone out (first to laugh, not first to blink), all you have to do is concentrate your gaze on the bridge of your opponent’s nose. They think you’re looking them in the eye but in fact you’re busy thinking about quadratic equations, or fish, or whatever else isn’t likely to induce a giggle. It works every time, guaranteed.
Unfortunately that forgotten guru failed to provide a suitable method that would work on two opponents staring at you side by side. I applied the only logic I had at my disposal and focussed on the point directly between Paula and Sammy’s heads, which gave me an excellent view of Simon and Louise Fraser as they walked through The Basement’s door.
Panic and fear was the clear default position, and I readily adopted it. ‘Eh,’ I said. ‘Eh, eh, eh.’ (Possibly a record?)
‘Are you okay?’ said Paula.
‘Are you having a seizure?’ said Sammy.
‘Nh, nh, nh!’ I pointed out, in some difficulty.
‘That’s not Samuel Sutherland is it?’ Louise said, approaching the bar. ‘Give yer mammy a hug, ye big buggerer!’
‘Mamma Lou!’ Sammy leapt from his stool and grabbed Louise in a bear-hug. ‘Still prettier than both your girls put together!’ He lifted her off the ground and twirled her round.
‘Put me down, put me down!’ Louise cried. ‘I’m an old woman!’
‘You’re Irish,’ Sammy said, continuing the twirl. ‘No such word as old in your language.’
Simon spent this time treading purposely towards the bar, and therefore towards me. Paula smiled a nervous hello at him and he patted a hand on her shoulder as he reached us; he didn’t take his eyes off me once.
‘James,’ he said, as Sammy allowed Louise a moment to breath.
‘Si… Jo… hiya. What ...?’ the fuck are you doing here? I wanted to say.
He seemed to get this. ‘Andrea said Paula would probably end up in here, so we thought we’d pop in and say hello. I wondered if you might be working. You look well.’
‘Eh, thanks.’ I smiled, giving my mouth strict instructions not to say anything else until my brain caught up with events.
‘Hello, Jim, it’s nice to see you again,’ Louise said. ‘Is this Sammy one looking after you?’
> ‘Of course I am,’ Sammy said. ‘In fact, I’ve created a new position especially for him.’
Louise started giggling; it took me a moment to work out why. She had a dirty mind, that woman.
‘Really?’ Simon said to Sammy. ‘And what would that be?’
‘Co-manager,’ Paula said, spotting I was in silent mode.
‘Interesting,’ Simon said, smiling at Paula then returning his eyes to me. ‘And who would your co, co-manager be?’
‘Eh,’ I said, needing a bit longer before I was ready to go for an actual word.
‘Hiya,’ Kate said from behind me. ‘What’s going on out here?’
I went back to smiling inanely, deciding it was best for Paula or Sam to field this one.
‘Kate,’ Sammy said bravely. ‘Meet two of my dearest friends, Louise and Simon. They also happen to be Paula’s parents, though she doesn’t deserve them.’
‘Oh, wow, okay, hi,’ Kate said, her expression freezing for a second as she did some internal computations. I prayed she was better at working out relationships (and who knew what about who) than she was at counting bottles of wine. ‘Good to meet you.’
‘And you, my dear,’ Simon said, with a hint of flirtation. It seemed even clever old bastards weren’t immune to the ‘meeting a beautiful woman they don’t know’ syndrome, though he did deal with it more eloquently than I had.
‘Don’t mind him, love,’ Louise said, giving her husband a look. ‘He’s an old goat. It’s very nice to meet you.’ She extended a hand and shook Kate’s.
‘Kate is Jim’s co, co-manager,’ Sammy said.
‘Is that so?’ Simon said. He gave me what I’m almost certain was a look of pride, which was scary. ‘Good for her. And you of course, James.’
I kept smiling. It occurred to me that the only way this could get more awkward would be if my own parents walked through the door.
A loud cry of, ‘I’m going to get a fuckin’ coffee, get those fuckin’ dishes done by the time I get back, ya wee tit,’ quickly followed by a higher pitched reply of, ‘away and fuck yersel’,’ proved me wrong, and I worked on keeping my facial muscles rigid as Abe appeared at the bar.
‘Do us a cappuccino, Jim,’ he said, ignoring everyone else. ‘That wee bastard’s doing my nut in.’ He pulled up a barstool, sat down, and looked around. ‘All right, Sammy,’ he nodded. ‘Paula,’ he nodded again. ‘Katie.’ He glanced at Simon and Louise. ‘All right?’
‘Hello,’ Louise said, shocked.
‘Good afternoon.’ Simon sounded amused.
‘Abe, would you mind watching your language in front of customers please,’ Sammy said.
Abe shrugged. ‘Sorry, boss. Are you on that cappuccino or what, Jim?’
‘Eh, yeah, no bother.’ The quicker I made it, the quicker he might go away.
‘You’re Irish,’ I heard Abe say. ‘Are you Paula’s mum and dad, then?’
Crap. After Sammy bawling me out a couple of weeks previously, Abe obviously knew about Paula and me. He didn’t necessarily know that Simon and Louise didn’t know, though. He and Jed didn’t really go in for heavy conversations, and their comments on the situation had been limited to generous amounts of piss-taking with regard to whether I was a fuck-hole, a wee shite or a right wanker.
‘That’s correct,’ Simon said. ‘My guess would be that you’re the chef?’
‘Was it the white jacket or the checked trousers that gave me away?’ Abe said.
‘Abe!’ Sammy and Kate said at the same time. Paula was staying quiet. I could sense her fear.
‘Here you go.’ I dropped a very badly made coffee in front of Abe. ‘Are you sure it’s safe to leave Jed in there on his own?’
‘Aye, I hid all the knives,’ Abe said.
Simon laughed. ‘Training up an apprentice?’
‘I wouldn’t put it like that so much as trying not to kill an annoying wee eejit.’
‘Hah, I know how that feels, right enough.’ Simon looked at me when he said this, the swine.
‘Okay,’ Paula said. ‘I need to think about making a move. I hope you brought the car, Dad, you’re my lift home.’
‘Oh, I thought we were going to stay for a drink,’ Louise said.
‘And that we are,’ Simon said. ‘In fact, I believe it’s my round. Jim, would you do the honours?’ He nodded at Abe. ‘Include one for our friend here, with Sammy’s permission.’
Paula’s face fell; Sammy’s face fell; Kate’s face fell (which at least proved she was on script); my face certainly did something; Abe’s face lit up.
‘Nice one,’ he said. ‘I’ll have a Drambuie, if you’re asking.’
‘Excellent,’ Simon said. ‘Shall we have a seat?’
‘You and Mum go on,’ Paula said. ‘We’ll be over in a sec.’
Simon and Louise headed for one of the big round tables. Abe got up to follow but was swiftly pulled back by Sammy. ‘What the fuck?’ he said.
‘You’re still working,’ Sammy said.
Abe pulled up the sleeve of his jacket and held his watch aloft for the rest of us to see. ‘Five-to-six, I was in ten minutes early so I’m done, mate,’ he said. He looked at me. ‘You’d better put a shandy in the tap for the wee man, Jim. I’ll pay for it. Your dad seems like a good old guy, Paula.’
‘Yeah, he is that,’ Paula said. She looked imploringly at Sammy, then me. It was a mark of how freaked she was that she even included Kate in her mercy scan.
Surprisingly, it was Kate who stepped up first. She grabbed Abe’s collar and pulled him close. ‘Right, you,’ she said. ‘Paula’s mum and dad don’t know about her and Jim yet, okay? So not a word from you, not even a dig, understand?’
Abe looked more impressed than scared, but he nodded. ‘Aye, no bother.’
‘One drink and you’re away, too,’ Kate said. ‘And if that wee nyaff Jed says anything it won’t be him who gets in bother.’
We all looked impressed, even Paula.
‘Cool the beans, no worries,’ Abe said.
Sammy stepped in at this point. ‘It’s worth you knowing that as of today Jim is your boss, too.’
Abe looked at him, then at me. ‘Nice one, mate. Congrats.’
‘Yeah, cheers,’ I said.
‘Don’t be a dick about it, eh?’
‘Do my best.’
‘You can do what you like to the wee man, obviously.’
‘I’ll bear that in mind.’
We all looked at one another. ‘Are we sorted?’ Paula said.
‘I think we might be,’ I said. Sam, Kate and Abe nodded.
‘Wow, okay,’ I said. ‘I’ll pour the drinks, then. Who’s for what?’
It couldn’t be that easy, could it? Paula, Sam and the others went to join Simon and Louise and I was putting the finishing touches to the head on Simon’s Guinness when I heard the door open. I had another panic attack about how truly terrible it would be if my mum and dad chose today to visit me at work for the first time. But no, they wouldn’t. They’d have to care first (not about me, about the job).
I turned slowly, to see it was only Mark and Natalie arriving for the evening shift.
‘All right, Uncle Jim?’ Natalie said as Mark went through to the office. ‘Is there a party on you forgot to invite me to?’ She pointed over at Paula’s table.
‘Not my choice, believe me,’ I said. ‘That’s Paula’s parents; they don’t know anything so we need a bit of discretion.’
‘Hah!’ Natalie said. ‘How did this happen?’
‘I have no idea, but it has.’
‘Why is Abe there? Why is Daisy there?’
‘It’s a not very long but extremely boring story,’ I said.
Mark came back out of the office and eyed the table. ‘Busy day?’
‘That would be one way to put it, yeah,’ I said. ‘Listen, Mark, I know you don’t care, but that’s—’
‘I’ll fill him in,’ Natalie interrupted. ‘Away you and entertain your guests.’
‘I do
n’t really want to,’ I said.
‘Tough shit, mate.’
‘That it is.’
Natalie smiled with sympathy; Mark just smiled. I lifted the tray of drinks and took a deep breath.
It could be much worse, I reminded myself as I approached the far-more-crowded-than-I-was-happy-with table. Mr and Mrs Cooper could have walked through the door, but they hadn’t.
And so, of course, I heard the door creak open again. I bowed my head, almost allowing eight drinks to slide off the tray. Surely not, even a God who didn’t exist and didn’t think much of me if he did wouldn’t be that cruel.
I looked towards the door. It wasn’t my parents, thankfully.
Not so thankfully, it was Terry and Ronni - the ideal seasoning to complete the casserole of doom my afternoon had become. I loved Terry dearly and liked Ronni a lot, but, you know, fuck off.
‘All right, Coop?’ Terry cried, coming up the stairs towards me.
‘Hi, Jim,’ Ronni said.
‘Hey.’ I handed the tray to a confused Terry and indicated the big round table. ‘Give them out and I’ll get you two a drink.’
‘Ooh, it’s a gathering,’ Terry said.
‘Yes. Shut up.’
Terry’s eyes narrowed. ‘Are you stressed?’
‘Only hunners. Try not to get me murdered, please.’
‘Do my best,’ he said happily. ‘C’mon Ron, you need to meet Paula’s dad; he’s mental as fuck.’
‘Yay,’ Ronni said.
This couldn’t possibly end well.
***
And yet, it didn’t.
I didn’t sit next to Paula when I finally made it to the table a few minutes later. Sammy and Louise were whispering and giggling away to each other and Paula was bravely trying to hold her dad’s attention. Ronni and Kate ended up next to one another and were deep in discussion about something or other and Terry and Abe had apparently been comparing notes on how much I was shitting myself, given the wide grins they both had on their faces when I squeezed on to the bench between them.
‘Everyone’s met everyone, then?’ I said.
‘Indeed, James,’ Simon said, even though I had been speaking to Terry. ‘I was just remarking how well Terence is looking; seems like young Veronica there is having a positive impact on the boy.’
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