Another troublesome point for me, if not so much for Paula, was that bloody Ingo was still phoning her every other day.
‘What was he saying today?’ I said. We were in The Brooklyn having lunch.
‘Isaak’s taken a turn for the worse,’ Paula said, either not noticing or choosing to ignore my tone. ‘It’s not looking good, apparently.’
‘Bummer.’
‘Yeah, very sympathetic, Jim.’
‘Sorry.’
‘You keep saying you want me to tell you everything, but when I do you turn into a grumpy fecker. You can’t have it both ways.’
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I don’t know, after the other week it feels like something should have changed, and it kind of hasn’t.’
‘It’s only time, Jim. It passes. It won’t be long.’
‘It’s starting to feel long.’
‘I can’t help that.’
‘Has he asked you?’ I said.
‘Asked me what?’
‘If there’s anyone else.’
Paula paused and looked down at the table.
‘He has, hasn’t he? And you lied.’
‘I couldn’t tell him, Jim. I’ve already told you that.’
‘You said you couldn’t tell him; you didn’t say you’d lie to him if he asked. You say you want to be his friend and I understand that, but if you’re lying to him you’re not being his friend. Friends don’t lie to each other.’
‘It’s not that simple.’ Paula was getting angry. The vastly increased volume and filthy look gave it away.
‘It should be.’
‘Well it isn’t.’ Volume and look admirably maintained.
Why was I starting a fight? ‘I know, sorry. It’s just me being a prick again.’
‘Should we change the subject?’ Paula asked, olive branch in hand.
‘It might be wise.’
‘How’s work?’
‘Not too bad, actually. Kate really is thick as mince if she couldn’t deal with the admin.; it’s a piece of piss. She is good behind the bar, right enough.’
‘Perfect partnership, then?’
‘So far,’ I agreed. ‘I even managed to pin Sammy down about how much he’s paying me.’
‘And?’
I shrugged. ‘Better than a barman, not quite as good as a lying fuck like I used to be. I don’t know if I can live on it, but I can live with it.’
‘I’m feckin’ shitting myself about work.’ Paula’s start date had finally come through from the University. She had been instructed to report for duty in two weeks.
‘You’ll be fine. You used to run one; working in one should be a doddle.’
‘I didn’t run a University, slight difference in scale.’
‘You get to teach without worrying about paying the gas bill. What’s bad about that?’
‘Nothing, I suppose.’
‘You’ll be fine, it’s only a job.’
‘I feckin’ hope so.’
‘You will. Anyway, I was thinking about Garnethill, what do you reckon?’
‘Hmm. It’s near the Uni.’
‘Not that far from the west end either,’ I pointed out.
‘What’s the flat like?’
‘No idea,’ I said. ‘Haven’t actually seen one advertised. I just thought it might be a decent place to think about looking.’
‘Feck, Jim, you got my hopes up there.’
‘Sorry.’ I grinned. ‘Progress is progress; at least we’re agreed on something.’
‘Fair play,’ Paula said, smiling. ‘Do you ever get the feeling this should all be a lot easier than it is?’
‘Only most days,’ I said.
Chapter 28
‘You’re late, Mr Cooper.’
‘Sorry, Sam. Bloody buses.’
‘I’ll believe you once,’ Sammy said. ‘C’mon, we’ve got work to do.’
Today was the day Sammy introduced me to the intricacies, foibles, dangers and, most importantly, passwords, of the brewery’s intranet system. With the knowledge I was about to be made privy to I would be in a position to report, and potentially manipulate, every aspect of The Basement’s business. I would have access to financial projections, staffing costs, stock reports and forecasts, EHO recommendations, personnel files, competitor assessments, takings discrepancies and all sorts of weird percentages and other numbers that allowed someone in an office somewhere in England to justify their job.
Meh.
Halfway through his presentation, Sammy said, ‘This is a big thing, Jim, you need to pay attention.’
‘I am.’
‘You don’t look like you are.’
‘Well I am.’
‘I may test you afterwards.’ Sammy gave me a look.
‘I’d expect no less from you, Sam.’
‘Are you okay?’ Sammy stopped playing with the mouse and turned to me.
‘I’m fine,’ I said.
‘Has something happened with Paula?’
‘No.’
‘You’re a shit liar, Jim.’ Sammy turned fully in his chair to face me. ‘What did you do?’
‘What? Nothing!’ Sam narrowed his eyes. ‘Honestly, I haven’t done anything,’ I said.
‘So what’s wrong?’
‘Probably nothing,’ I said. Sam’s eyes narrowed even further. He was almost as good as Simon Fraser at digging the truth from you. And making you keep talking when you didn’t want to. ‘I was on the phone to Paula last night and she …’
‘What?’
‘It was nothing,’ I said again, hoping I was right. ‘She was a bit distant, that’s all. She only stayed on the phone for five minutes then said she needed to phone Andrea and had to go.’
‘Andrea is a high maintenance lady, Jim.’
I chuckled. ‘I know, I’ve heard. Shit, I don’t know, Sam. I can’t relax with anything until it’s all out in the open, you know? Her mum and dad still don’t know, fucking Ingo still doesn’t know. It’s been what, five months, and there’s still all this shit getting in the way. I just want to start. The lead up’s been fun, but it’s time to start.’
Sammy looked at me calmly. ‘Jim, listen. I haven’t spoken to Paula for a few days, but as far as I’m aware she wants exactly the same things as you do. She doesn’t like what’s happening any more than you, but she has more balls in the air, so to speak.’ He couldn’t help it, he made a gay face. ‘But that wee lassie only wants a life she can be happy with, a life she can be proud of. If she’s decided she can have that with you then you need to let her work out all the other nonsense she’s dealing with in whatever way she has to. Just give her the time, Jim. It’s only time. If you’re pathetic enough to admit you’ve been waiting twelve years then another couple of weeks or months shouldn’t be that big a deal.’
‘Thanks for throwing pathetic in there, Sam, it’s much appreciated.’
‘Sorry, I had to pull something back for the balls in the air comment. I didn’t mean that one.’
‘Understood,’ I said. ‘So, am I being a bam?’
‘It wouldn’t be the first time, would it?’
‘Thanks for pointing that out.’
‘I don’t know anything except this, Jim. Paula’s not a liar and she’s not someone who would mess you about. If she says she loves you, she means it.’
I nodded. ‘Thanks Sam, that helps.’
‘Good. Now get your fucking brain back in the room please, you’ve got very boring computery things to memorise.’
Meh.
Chapter 29
It wasn’t so bad after all. Things were a bit strained, I was still a bit tongue-fucked, but it was only real life, nothing to worry too much about.
The future was still going to happen, it just hadn’t happened yet.
Life wasn’t beautiful, but it would be.
That was good enough for me.
And then.
***
‘Can we get a table?’ Paula asked. She looked paler than usual, drawn. Her hair was too sh
ort for a pony-tail these days.
‘Yeah, no bother,’ I said. ‘Give me five minutes; I need to check the till.’
‘Okay.’ Paula lifted her coke and headed for Gryff.
I blundered into the office and threw-up in the bin.
‘Jim?’ Kate said.
I wiped my mouth. ‘Sorry. D’you think you could do the till for me?’
‘Not a problem, as long as you take that bin out and burn it.’
‘I promise I will. Later.’
‘What’s going on?’ Kate said, scared more than worried.
‘I think I’m about to have my soul cut out with a jaggy spoon,’ I said. ‘See you later.’
I fumbled the office door open, and barely managed to avoid causing Lucy a criminal injury as I barged out of the bar.
‘Hi-lo,’ I mumbled to Paula, trying to say hi and hello at the same time as I crashed on to the chair opposite her.
She looked at me in the most horrible, tragic, sad, scared, sorry, sympathetic and worried way imaginable. It was the most remarkable facial expression I’ve ever seen.
‘Hi,’ she said.
‘You okay?’ I said.
‘No.’
‘Didn’t think so. What’s happening?’
‘I spoke to Ingo yesterday.’
‘Okay.’ There was a miniature helicopter churning my brain from the inside. I had a horrible image of lumpy French-Toast in my head.
‘Isaak died.’
‘Sorry.’
‘He left Ingo some money,’ Paula said.
‘That’s nice.’
‘Enough to pay the school’s debts off.’
‘Okay.’
‘Enough to get it up and running again.’
‘Right.’
Have you ever watched one of those George Romero movies with the mindless zombies who wander the world aimlessly looking for brains to eat? I felt like one of them, except it was my own brain I wanted to devour. I wanted to stop thinking; I most certainly wanted to stop feeling.
‘I can get my life back, Jim,’ Paula said. Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t cheerful. ‘I didn’t know this would happen.’
I couldn’t speak.
‘Say something,’ Paula said, which made me smile, slightly.
‘What should I say?’ I hadn’t worked up the courage to look her in the eye yet.
‘I don’t … feck … I don’t know.’ Paula wasn’t cold, she wasn’t being harsh. She was sorry.
Not that it was any comfort.
‘So you’re going back, to Ingo?’
‘No, Jim. I’m going back to Germany; I’m going back to my life, to my business.’
‘To Ingo.’
‘No. I told him I wasn’t going back as his wife, only as his business partner. This isn’t about Ingo, Jim, it’s about my life; it’s about what I spent five years working my arse off for.’
‘So we’re just done, is that it? It was a nice idea but something better came along?’
‘I didn’t know this was going to happen, Jim.’
‘I didn’t know we were optional, Paula. I didn’t know I was a second preference. You forgot to mention I was a fall-back.’
‘You were never a fall-back, Jim. My life is in Germany, yours isn’t. That’s just a shitty fact.’
‘I thought my life was you,’ I said. ‘I didn’t know there was a geographical element involved.’
‘So what, you want to move to Germany? You don’t know the language, you don’t know the culture. What would you do for work? And I know you don’t want to leave Glasgow. This is your home.’
‘Do you want me to come with you?’ I looked her in the eye now.
For once, I’d found the nub of the matter; I’d boiled the shit of life down to this one, essential question. I was in love with this woman; she said she was in love with me. We had a massive obstacle in our path but love could still prevail. Her next word would tell me everything I would ever need to know.
‘No,’ Paula said.
Chapter 30
I’d never understood what it meant to be in an actual daze before. I could barely see.
I know I got up and left The Basement because I was suddenly outside on the street. I stood there for a few minutes but Paula didn’t come after me.
I walked to Terry’s, without really knowing I was.
‘All right, Coop,’ Terry said. ‘What the fuck’s wrong with you?’ he also said when he saw my face.
I pushed past him into the flat and stumbled into the living room, where I stood in the middle of the floor. ‘I need to hit something,’ I said once Terry had caught up with me.
‘What?’
‘Seriously, what can I hit?’
‘Anything except the telly,’ Terry said. He was a good friend.
‘Thanks.’ I walked over to the living room door, closed it, and punched it as hard as I could four times.
‘Better?’ Terry said when I turned back to face him.
‘Not as much as I hoped.’ I rubbed my aching knuckles. ‘Also, extremely painful.’
‘Do you want to tell me what’s going on?’
I fell on to a chair. Terry backed up to his sofa and sat down, not taking his eyes off me.
‘She’s going back to fucking Germany.’
‘Shit.’
‘Have you got any beer?’
I stayed for an hour, accepting all the beer and sympathy Terry offered. He tried to help, but what could he say?
Ronni was coming over at seven so I left at quarter to. I couldn’t face telling the story again so soon.
‘Listen, mate …’ Terry said as he saw me out.
‘Yeah, cheers.’
‘I’m …’
‘I know. Thanks.’
***
I had lifted that week’s rent earlier, when it was still a normal day, and spent the next few hours swapping every last penny of it for alcohol in God knows how many pubs as I headed vaguely in the direction of home.
I didn’t speak to anyone outside of ordering drinks. No one attempted to speak to me. In fact, a space tended to appear two feet to either side of me at every bar I approached. Must have been something in my expression.
I got home and went to bed at some point.
I stayed in bed until it was time to go to work the next evening.
Everyone knew in work. Probably Sammy.
Natalie, Lucy and Kate tried to talk, but I wasn’t in the mood. I sat in the office until it was time to go home. I may even have done some paperwork, I can’t remember. I checked my mobile had a signal every few minutes, but it never rang.
I repeated this pattern exactly for the next six days.
***
Paula phoned at the end of the week. She was leaving in a few days, wanted to check I was okay. I asked if I could see her before she left. She hesitated, then said okay and we arranged to meet in Stube for a drink the next night.
I arrived first, and got to watch her come through the door.
She was wearing the same clothes, hair and make-up she had on the night her parents went to Ireland. If anything, she looked even better than she had then. It nearly killed me.
‘How are you?’ she asked nervously.
‘Been better,’ I said.
‘Me too.’
‘Yeah.’
‘I’m so sorry, Jim.’
‘I know.’
‘I don’t know what else to say.’
‘I know. Thanks for phoning. Shame it took you the best part of a week.’ I winced. I hadn’t meant to say that, not tonight.
‘Jaysus Jim, I’m sorry, okay? I’ve had a lot to organise, lots of people to see before I go. I’m sorry if my life’s a bit busier than yours.’
Of course, I thought. Miss Popular. ‘Okay,’ I said.
‘Hate me, Jim. Just hate me, maybe it’ll make it easier.’
‘I can’t hate you, Paula. I never will.’
‘I’ve made my decision, Jim. I’m not going to change my mind.’
&nb
sp; ‘I know.’
‘I’m so sorry I’ve done this to you, but I need to do the right thing, for me.’
‘I know.’
‘I’d never have been happy here. I was kidding myself that I would.’
‘Yeah.’
‘I belong there, Jim. That’s my home.’
‘I understand.’
She looked at me, confused. ‘You do?’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I fucking hate it and it’s ripping me to bits, but it is what it is. I didn’t ask to see you to try and make you stay.’
‘So why…?’
‘I wanted to see you. I thought we could have a drink and try and enjoy each other’s company one last time, say goodbye on good terms. I know I’ll never see you again, and I want to have a good memory to hold on to.’
‘I don’t think that’s very likely, do you?’
‘I hope so.’
‘So what, we sit and have a few beers and a laugh? After what I’ve done to you?’
‘That’s what I was hoping,’ I said. ‘You’ve been too big a part of my life to go out on an argument.’
‘So you want to be friends?’
I shook my head. ‘Not after tonight. I’m not like Ingo; I can’t pretend to be your pal just to keep you in my life. I wish I could, but I can’t. I love you, Paula, and the only reason I would stay in touch would be because I’d be hoping you’d come back. It would kill me to hear about what you were doing over there, how you were getting on with your life. Sorry, but I can’t do that. And if you don’t think that’s what Ingo’s doing, you’re kidding yourself.’ I had to stop talking or I was going to start crying.
‘It’s about work with Ingo,’ Paula said.
I smiled. ‘No it isn’t.’
‘You don’t even know him.’
‘I don’t have to. Everyone who meets you falls in love with you, Paula. It’s a fact. Men, women, gay, straight, it doesn’t matter. We all love you and want to be around you. Ingo’s no different.’
‘But you are?’
‘Not even a wee bit,’ I said. ‘I can’t contemplate not having you in my life; it’s the single most hideous concept I can imagine. But I have to imagine it if I ever want to get over you. It’s going to take me forever as it is; staying in touch would make it impossible.’
Scratch Page 29