I nodded, smiling (inwardly and outwardly). ‘How about Sunday afternoon?’
‘That sounds like a fine plan,’ Dad said. ‘Incidentally, this would probably be the ideal time for you to actually stop smoking.’
‘How do you figure that?’
‘You’re going to feel like shit for the next few months either way; you might as well get some good out of it.’
I laughed. ‘I’ll give it some thought.’
I slept a little better that night.
***
‘Hi, Mum,’ I said the next early afternoon.
She and Dad were finishing their lunch. ‘Jim,’ Mum said. She didn’t say any more; she just got up and, to my intense embarrassment, hugged me.
‘Okay, thanks,’ I said awkwardly, disentangling myself from her as gently as possible.
‘Oh, Jim, why didn’t you tell us what was going on with Paula?’ Mum was almost crying, which was even more embarrassing than the hug.
‘Eh,’ I said.
‘I’m so sorry, son.’ Christ, now she was at it.
‘Yeah, cheers,’ I said.
‘You could have told me, you know. You shouldn’t go through something like this on your own.’
‘That’s kind of the way we do it in this house, though.’ That probably wasn’t fair of me, but she didn’t seem bothered.
‘Well we shouldn’t. Next time something like this happens you’d bloody better clue me in, all right?’
‘Okay. I’m sort of hoping there won’t be a next time.’
‘I hope so, too,’ she said, wiping her eyes. ‘But there are no guarantees in life.’
‘Good of you to mention,’ I said.
‘Are you hungry?’
‘I am a bit.’
‘Sit down and I’ll get you something.’
‘Cheers.’
Mum disappeared into the kitchen. I sat at the table and looked at my dad.
‘I’m assuming you gave a full and frank report,’ I said.
‘She’s my commanding officer, I had no choice.’
I chuckled. ‘Yeah, fair enough.’
‘She was just relieved you hadn’t become a Scientologist or something. So was I.’
It felt good to talk to him like this. Weird as fuck, but good. It was almost as though we were friends or something.
‘So, Jim,’ Mum said, coming out of the kitchen bearing a cheese and ham sandwich. ‘Your dad and I were thinking. It’s probably about time you moved out.’
‘Oh,’ I said. So much for ‘friends’. ‘Yeah, well, it might be a wee while yet, I’m afraid.’ I could just about afford the rent on a flat on my new salary, but it would take another few months before I could put enough away for a security deposit.
‘Maybe this will help.’ Mum went over to the sideboard and rummaged in a drawer, pulling out a brown, A4 envelope. She handed it to me. ‘This is yours.’
I opened the envelope. It was full of ten-pound notes. ‘What’s this?’ I was even more confused than usual.
‘We’ve been putting half your rent away,’ Mum said. ‘We knew you’d never save anything on your own.’
There was clearly a new emotional dynamic forming within the family unit, but it was still at the foetal stages and I hadn’t yet developed all of the necessary and appropriate responses. I therefore said, ‘Eh,’ instead of the ohmygodthat’sbrilliantthankyouthankyouthankyou I was actually feeling.
They seemed to understand.
Chapter 32
I found a flat in Garnethill, funnily enough. It was within walking distance of The Basement and only marginally smaller and more squalid than the one I’d sold eight months earlier. The rent was only a couple of hundred a month more than my mortgage had been, too.
‘Jim,’ Jed shouted, storming out of the kitchen a few minutes before opening time. ‘Do us a fuckin’ favour and tell that fucker tae get the fuck out of my fuckin’ face, will ye’?’
‘What’s the problem?’ I said, laughing.
‘Don’t mind him, Jim,’ Abe said, following Jed to the bar. ‘The wee wanker cannae do as he’s fucking told.’
‘Aye, right,’ Jed said. ‘That bastard’s tryin’ tae tell me I still need to wash all the fuckin’ pots. I’m meant to be a fuckin’ chef, now.’
‘Commis chef,’ I pointed out.
‘Aye, that’s no’ a fuckin’ KP but, is it?’
‘Sorry, bud,’ I said. ‘Till we get a new one, you’re still it.’
‘That’s just fuckin’ ridiculous.’ Jed shook his head in disgust.
‘Get your arse back in that kitchen, wee man,’ Abe said.
Jed looked me pleadingly. ‘You’re his boss, fuckin’ tell him.’
‘But he’s still your boss. Sorry, mate.’ I held my hands up.
‘Fuckin’ management, you’re all a bunch of fuckin’ cunts.’
‘Less of the fucking language, you,’ Abe skelped Jed lightly on the head. ‘I need thirty plates clean and polished, and you’re the one polishing them. Move your arse.’
‘Touch me again and I’ll fuckin’ stab you,’ Jed said, slouching back towards the kitchen.
‘Aye, I’d be worried if I thought you’d know what end of the fuckin’ knife to use,’ Abe said, skiting Jed’s head with his hand again as he followed.
Next to Terry and Ronni those two were definitely my favourite couple.
‘Ready to go?’ Kate asked, coming out of the office.
‘We are indeed. D’you want to do the honours?’
‘My pleasure.’ Kate opened the door. It was five-to-eleven.
By five-past we were mobbed.
We hadn’t cracked Monday and Tuesday nights yet, though I had some ideas on how to sort that, but The Basement was now full every lunch time and every evening, Wednesday through Sunday. The numbers were looking better every week, takings and stock. Sammy was so delighted we almost never saw him. Lovely man though he was, that suited me fine.
Fortunately, we still tended to get some breathing space between three and five most days. I had my back to the door and was sorting the big notes in the till into bundles of a hundred when someone spoke from behind me.
‘Good afternoon, James.’
I turned slowly, knowing exactly who it was but praying somehow it wasn’t. ‘Hi, Simon,’ I said. ‘Or is it Joe?’
‘I answer to both, James. Could I trouble you for a pint of Guiness?’
I poured the drink.
My dad was right. As time passed I did stop thinking about Paula for longer and longer periods. Now, four months after she’d left, my record was sitting at roughly the five-hour mark. It was amazing though, how many references you see or hear to Germany on any given day. I’d never given it any thought before, but now there seemed to be something on the news almost every day - be it about their politely political attempts to take over Europe or the fact that one of their teams had given Celtic another drubbing in the Champions League - and every mention gave my heart a dizzying, misery-inducing jolt.
It could have been worse, I supposed - at least German food hadn’t taken off in Glasgow as yet. If Paula had moved to Italy I’d never have been able to eat a pizza or have a cappuccino again.
I’d managed not to think about Paula that day since Abe had called Jed a wanker in the morning. I’d had hopes of making it all the way till I finished at six, but that was buggered, now.
‘Here you go.’ I put Simon’s pint in front of him.
‘Thank you kindly.’ Simon took a long swallow and smacked his lips. ‘A well cared for and expertly poured example of the species. You do your job well.’
‘Yeah, thanks.’
Simon looked at me. ‘You look well, James. Are you?’
I wasn’t in the mood for games. Hadn’t been for a while. ‘I’m fine, Simon. What do you want?’
‘Nothing in particular,’ he said. ‘Louise and I are moving back to Galway next month and I thought I might say goodbye before we left.’
‘She finally talked yo
u into it, then?’
‘It’s more that the timing is right.’
‘And why’s that?’
‘I honestly couldn’t say, James. I seem to be ready to make the move now, whereas I hadn’t been before. Nothing changed, except my mind. It’s a curious phenomenon. Not one I fully understand, to be truthful.’
‘That must be strange for you, not understanding something.’
‘Not as much as you might think, James. The debate continues to rage about the existence of an omniscient being. I have my opinions on the matter, of course, but who’s to say, really? The only thing I know with any degree of certainty is that he isn’t me.’
‘That sounded suspiciously like humility there, Simon.’
‘I should hope it did. We can only ever know as much as we know, and we’ll never one of us know any more than that, no matter the length of life we might endure.’
‘Who said that?’ I asked.
‘I believe I just did, James. I’ll ask again because I do want to know your answer, though I’ll understand if you choose not to give one. Are you well?’
‘I’m getting better.’
He nodded. ‘I’m glad to hear that. It will mean very little to you I’m sure, but I have been concerned.’
‘No need to worry, Simon. You got your wish. Paula’s back in Germany just like you wanted. Yes, I did try to win her back, I tried to make her stay here with me, I even thought I’d succeeded for a while. Do you want to know the only small consolation I have?’
‘I’d be happy to.’
‘It’s a very small comfort, but you had fuck-all to do with splitting us up. Despite your best efforts, it was never about you and what you thought was best for Paula. She did it all on her own.’
‘You make your point well, James. You are completely wrong in your assumptions, of course.’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘I was never particularly worried about Paula, James. She was always going to do what she had to. I don’t mean to demean but you were never going to have much influence over that. She’s my daughter, and I know what I taught her.’
‘Are you writing a poem or something?’ It was easier to be glib than acknowledge what he was actually saying.
‘Not purposely, no,’ Simon said. ‘Though there may be something there now you mention it. Anyway, you’ve never struck me as anything other than a well-meaning young man, James. Had I thought you likely to hurt Paula I can assure you I would not have been remotely as genial as I have towards you. That Paula chose a path where she hurt herself wasn’t your fault. And she did hurt herself, James, be assured of that.’
‘Not just herself,’ I said.
‘I know, James. That was the danger I tried to warn you of.’
‘Yeah right, you were looking out for me.’
‘I was simply looking out, full-stop. I felt sure Paula’s life in Germany wasn’t over. I was, though, an idiot to think my foolish philosophical musings would be enough to put you off, and for that I apologise. There are no winners in this situation, James. I hope you know that.’
‘No heroes, no baddies,’ I said.
‘That’s a very succinct assessment.’
‘Is she happy?’ Damn. I didn’t want to say that.
‘She’s busy and she’s making progress with the business,’ Simon said. ‘Beyond that I don’t feel it’s my place to say.’
‘Is she back with …’ What was I doing?
‘Be sure you want to know the answer before you ask the question, James.’
‘Yeah, okay.’ I bowed my head. ‘Never mind.’
‘How are things with your parents?’
‘Better, actually,’ I said. ‘Progress has been made.’
‘I’m very glad to hear it.’
‘Believe it or not we almost act as if we like each other now. They’ve helped me out a fair bit recently.’
‘I never doubted they would,’ Simon said. ‘You’ve always found it strange that I go by two names, haven’t you, James?’
‘It is a bit mental, Simon,’ I said.
‘What would your father’s Christian name be?’
‘Eh, Martin.’
‘But what do you call him, verbally and mentally?’
‘Dad, I suppose.’
‘And your mother, what’s her name?’
‘Irene.’
‘But, to you she’s … what?’
‘Mum.’
Simon nodded. ‘It never hurts to remember that everyone has at least two names in life, James. Mum and Dad are lovely words to hear from a child, but it’s always wise to remember Dad is also Martin and Mum is also Irene. Each name is certainly valid, but the connotations and experiences of each are doubtless different. And I dare say Jim isn’t the only name you’ve ever been called.’
‘That’s true. Wanker seems to have played a fairly prominent part.’
‘I may owe you an apology for that one, but that wasn’t where I was going.’
‘What, you want me to tell you what your daughter used to call me?’
‘Jaysus Christ, no,’ Simon said quickly. ‘I meant son.’
‘Oh, right.’
‘And maybe friend.’
‘I suppose.’
‘And now I would imagine boss is in there, too.’
‘Maybe with Jed,’ I admitted.
‘We all wear hats, James. Hats we change depending on who and what we’re dealing with.’
I touched the brim of my Caterpillar cap. ‘I’ve only got this one,’ I said.
‘That’s where you’re wrong, James. And that’s why you’re one of the biggest, and finest, wankers it’s ever been my pleasure to know.’
‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Thanks. If it helps, you’re the biggest dick I’ve ever met in my life.’
‘Interesting,’ Simon said. ‘And what would your definition be?’
‘Definition? Oh, right. Eh, how about: self-satisfied, arrogant, patronising, know-it-all?’
‘I think that’s a fair assessment,’ Simon said, smiling. ‘It’s certainly what I strive for. Hello Terence, nice to see you again.’
‘All right, Joe? Long time no see,’ Terry said, approaching the bar. He was early.
‘Are you dodging work?’ I asked.
‘We phoned in sick,’ Terry said. ‘After last night there was no way I was getting up before noon.’
‘Feeling a bit rough?’ I asked.
‘Put it this way, I made my first coffee with gravy granules,’ Terry shook his head.
‘Hah! How was it?’
‘Not as bad as you’d think, actually. Even with the sugar and milk. I can’t believe you made it in here for eight. You must feel like shit.’
‘I was a bit tender earlier, but I’m fine now,’ I said.
‘I’m guessing there was a celebration?’ Simon asked.
‘A double one,’ I said. ‘It was Terry and Ronni’s housewarming.’
‘Congratulations, Terence. She struck me as a lovely girl.’
‘Yeah, cheers,’ Terry said, his face going red (or redder).
‘And the second cause for the festivities?’ Simon asked.
‘I didn’t get a promotion at work,’ Terry said.
‘And that’s a good thing?’
‘Christ, yes,’ Terry said. ‘I only went for the job so the big bosses wouldn’t think I wasn’t interested. I’d have bloody hated it. The last guy that did it was a twat; I’d have been crapping myself that I ended up like him. Besides, I don’t want to be stuck in there till all hours writing reports and shit like that, not when Ronni finishes at five and is waiting for me at home.’
‘Very commendable, Terence. It’s a wise man who knows where his true priorities should lie.’
‘Well, yeah,’ Terry said, embarrassed again. ‘I mean, she’s a brilliant cook. No way I’m missing any of her dinners.’
I laughed. ‘Yeah, that’s the reason.’
Terry looked at me squarely. ‘It’s one of them,’ he said.
&nbs
p; ‘Well, gentlemen,’ Simon said. ‘I’ll be on my way. It’s been gratifying to learn that life is going well with you.’ I raised my eyebrows. ‘To some degree, at least,’ he added. ‘I will look back on our evenings out with fondness.’
He reached out a hand. I hesitated for a second before shaking it firmly.
‘Look after yourself, Simon. And look after …’ I trailed off, unable to finish.
Simon met my eyes and nodded. ‘You can be certain of it, James.’ He nodded again and let my hand fall. ‘Terence, James, you’ve added colour to this last year, and for that I thank you both.’
He turned and headed for the door.
‘That sounded pretty final. Is he dying?’ Terry said when Simon was gone.
‘They’re moving back to Ireland.’
‘Oh, right. Louise got her way in the end.’
‘Maybe it’s just the right time for them. It’s all about the timing with the big decisions.’
Terry gave me a strange look. ‘Are you being profound?’
‘Not on purpose.’ I laughed. ‘So where’s Ronni?’
‘She’ll be here soon. She’s got some bizarre notion that you’re supposed to tidy the house up after a party. I told her it would keep for a day or two but she wasn’t having it.’
‘And you left her to it? Not very gallant.’
‘You’re right, I’m not.’
‘You helped her, didn’t you?’ He could pretend to be a prick, but I knew him.
‘Yeah,’ he said, not too ashamed. ‘She’s only wee. She wanted a bath before she came out, told me to leave if I was going to keep talking to her through the toilet door.’ He noticed something at his feet and crouched down, re-emerging with a plastic bag in his hand. ‘Looks like Joe forgot his shopping.’
‘Well I’ve given up chasing members of that particular family,’ I said. ‘So he’d better come back for it himself. What is it?’
Terry rummaged in the bag and brought out a gift-wrapped parcel. ‘It’s got your name on it.’
I took it and looked at the tag. It read: Jim, a parting gift from a sometime idiot to a true wanker.
I shrugged at Terry and tore off the silver wrapping-paper.
It was a Bruce Lee DVD box-set. All the movies, all re-mastered. I showed Terry.
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