“That was great.” She said as I got up and turned it off when it ended. “I had no idea Indian people could be creative.”
“Creative, my ass. It has nothing to do with creativity. We just live to entertain. It doesn't matter if the movie makes no sense whatsoever.” I took the DVD out and put it in its case. “I hope you're not disappointed.”
“Disappointed? Over that bit of genius? No way!” She exclaimed. “I can't wait to see all the other DVDs that you have!”
“I love reactions like that!” I looked at the DVD collection we had. Oh, movie night was going to be on for us. Love stories, comedies, crazy violent plots that made no sense. I had them all and things were going to be good.
“So”, I turned to her, waving my hands at the collection, “what do you want to watch next?”
“The best movie you have.” She grinned. “I want to see what can top that gold mine.”
I found the DVD and held it up. “Your wish is my command, future wife.”
She nodded. “Future wife. I like the sound of that.”
And for some reason, I did as well.
127
Carter Tachikawa
Chapter 9
When I was a child, I didn't care for girls. It wasn't that I hated them. I just didn't have any interest in them. I didn't want to make them cry or talk to them or breathe near them. As a teenager, I began to wonder about my sexuality. Did it mean that I didn't get attracted to women? That couldn't have been true because I loved getting the Victoria Secret catalog. That and I didn't find men that attractive either. Eventually, I stopped pouring over it because it seemed pointless. I determined that I was an asexual and nothing could change that.
But now was a different story. Now I needed to know who I was again. Rachel came in and I found myself lost in the woods. It wasn't like the time in the woods when I had been camping with the Boy Scouts and ended up losing myself while trying to find the bathroom. At least I ended up calling for help and getting back to camp in one piece. Here, I was lost in my thoughts and my own world. I didn't know what I felt or why I was doing this. It didn't seem fair to the girl and her family. Why was I lost when she seemed calm and fine? And more importantly, why couldn't I stop being lost?
I could not sleep that night. Whenever my eyelids got heavy, another thought popped into my brain and I woke up again. I was lying in bed for hours, searching and looking around for answers to questions I didn't even ask. I was pretty sure at this point that I was no longer an asexual. I liked her in a way that I didn't think I could. But I had to face the fact that we were not going to be married. Not today, not tomorrow, never.
I hated what I had become. I hated Anwar Sharma, whoever the hell he was. He wasn't badass and he wasn't cool. He was a simple man who just wanted a simple life. He lived honestly until he became a teenager and he began lying about everything. He lied about who he was, if he was celibate, if he preferred chunky peanut butter to creamy, and everything in between. He wasn't himself anymore. He had no idea where he was but he wasn't in the mirror anymore. It was a stranger staring back.
I hated the stranger. I wanted myself back and I had to get him back one day. That night when we watched that Bollywood movie had me filled with jitters. Rachel was leaning on me the entire time. If it wasn't that, she was almost smothering me with the pillow on the sofa. Sure it was great. We had a lot of fun. But we didn't fake that fun either. We were enjoying ourselves too much that I forgot I was supposed to be her fake fiance and vice versa.
My morning was not going well despite both Mary and Rachel being there. It wasn't that I hated being around the girls. In fact, I needed them here. I just hated that we were part of some stupid scheme I came up with. I hated seeing my mother all happy about a wedding that would never take place. What kind of man had I become? Not the one either of us wanted to be.
“You're so quiet today.” Rachel noticed as I stirred my coffee slowly. “Something wrong?”
I shook my head. “Just a rough night. I couldn't sleep well.”
“Aw, that sucks.” She patted my shoulder. “The coffee should wake you up though. The conversation isn't the same without your snark.”
I gulped down my coffee. “You'll get more hyperactivity than snark with this coffee. Seriously, what octane rating is this thing? I'll be pissing rainbows in two minutes.”
“Now that I'll have to see.” Rachel teased. “I think your snark is back!”
“And in time too!” I groaned. “Hand me a biscuit. I have drown drowned something in this high octane coffee than I'm drinking.”
“Well, once you're done with that, what are we doing today?”
“Beats me.” I yawned. “Anything interesting going on?”
"You know, there's a costume party that I'm throwing this weekend. You two should come." Mary suggested. "It will help you guys out some."
"And how's that?"
"Well, if your parents see you dating, then they'll think your relationship is serious." She pointed out. "I mean, that's what you want, right? Plus if you're in costume, you don't have to worry about faking chemistry, you'll be in disguise. No one's going to care if Anwar and Rachel are really doing it. They'll just see...Wonder Woman and Spider-Woman doing it!"
I blinked. "You think I'm going to dress like a woman?"
"Dress as whatever you want! Just say you'll come! Please say you'll come!"
"Well, I don't know about him but I'll come." Rachel said. "I'll go solo if I have to. And I might get some brownie points with your family if I go as one of the gods. Maybe I'll be the blue naked one with severed arms and heads and blood all over my face."
I cringed at that image. Ma Kali was probably not the goddess I wanted to see Rachel go as. Aside from taking a lot of work to make, I would be offended. My parents would have heart attacks. God knows where she would find fake hands and heads to complete the costume.
She noted my look of worry. “Bad idea.”
"Yeah, sorry. Ma Kali is not the one people usually like to see other people dressed as. How about going as the goddess Lakshmi? All you need is a pet owl and money to throw at people."
"Being generous? That's something I never planned to do." Rachel joked. "Although I wish people would throw money at me instead."
"They might if you are a convincing Goddess Lakshmi." I said. “What do you say? We go to that costume party together. You can be Goddess Lakshmi and I can be your pet owl.”
“You seriously would be an owl for me?” She laughed. “Wouldn't you be allergic to feathers or something?”
Allergic to feathers? Where did she get that? I wasn't that pasty and soft! “Sure, I'll be your owl! Watch as no one figures out who we are! Great idea, huh?”
“I got a better idea”, She leaned across the table and cupped her face in her hands. “How about you and I go dancing tonight?”
“Go dancing where?”
“In a club, ding dong!” She turned to Mary who was shaking her head. Well, excuse me! I wasn't exactly the club going type. I didn't know how the conversation turned from costumes to dancing but okay. I would go with the flow now. “It'll be fun.”
“I don't know...”
“Come on! If you can't dance, don't worry. Most of the people there can't!”
“I'm worse than most people.”
“Please? We don't even have to stay long. Just one dance and we can go home if you like. Come on, Anwar. What do you say?” She gave me the puppy dog eyes and I could feel my heart softening. Damn, I turned to ghee faster than I wanted to.
“Well?” Mary prompted. “Aren't you going to answer her?”
“All right, if you insist.” I caved in. My heart was already mush.
“Sweet, thanks!” Rachel took my hand and squeezed it. “It's going to be tons of fun. Just you wait and see!”
“Can it be a really, really dark place?”
“Anwar, you'll survive in the light. You're not a vampire.” Mary said, punching my shoulder. “Take him some place wild
, Rachel. See if he turns out to be a loose cannon.”
I frowned. I was no loose cannon nor did I ever want to be one. I was dreading this new date now. From the moment those two left to the moments I spent pacing around, I dreaded it. What if I sucked at dancing? What if I stepped on her toes? What if I broke a few of them? I could say goodbye to having any sort of relationship with her then. Fake or real, we were screwed. I worried the whole drive to the club, looking over my shoulder at Rachel. I had taken my father's car to pick her up. It wasn't exactly a limo but it would do. At least it ran better than my own. As for Rachel, she looked nice in that leopard print dress that she had on. It made her boobs bigger. Not that I cared but I couldn't help staring at them. They were nice. They were a slight distraction , but they were nice.
The club actually turned out to be pretty cool. Lots of blue and red lights flashing about. Low lights at the tables for people to talk at. The dance floor was big and there was a disco ball hanging from the ceiling. Cheesy but I expected it. I didn't expect that most people here could not dance though. What was supposed to be dancing was limbs being thrown and flung about. It was like they were trying to dance in an earthquake only the ground was not rumbling.
“Nice place.” I nodded, bobbing my head to the music. I could get used to this. I didn't need to have lessons to enjoy this stuff. I could look like a fool and no one would care because we all looked like fools here.
“Wanna dance?” She asked me and dragged me out to the floor before I could say a word. I found my hands getting sweaty as she put her arms around my shoulder. Some song I never heard came on and we started swaying to it. It was slower than the previous ones which meant we had to get closer to each other. Okay, this wasn't exactly dancing but I could get used to it.
I never worried about what I wanted
I always knew I'd have what I need
Never aimed to go too fast now
Or do a lot in order to succeed
Never planned to be a movie star
Never wanted to go very far
All I want is to be yours only
That's all I could ever be
I was made to be with you
And that's good enough for me
I was made to be yours forever
Whether in dreams or reality
I don't know what I'd do
If I never had you
Never knew who I would be
But I was meant to love you
And that's good enough for me
“Nice song.” Rachel complimented. I could only nod and spin her around the floor as the song continued to play in the background. I didn't want to make much conversation because I was trying to listen to all the lyrics.
I was born to make my own path
So that's what I've always been told
They say I need to make my mark
And I should make it before I'm old
Never wanted a whole lot of fame
Didn't want to be a big name
All I needed was a warm embrace
From the nights get long and cold
I was made to be with you
And that's good enough for me
I was made to be yours forever
Whether in dreams or reality
I don't know what I'd do
If I never had you
Never knew who I would be
But I was meant to love you
And that's good enough for me
“They're pretty good.” I said, barely noticing the band and completely focused on Rachel. Gods above, she was beautiful. Why didn't I notice her before? Why didn't I see her amazing bone structure and beautiful eyes? I had to admit that she made a great fake fiancée. When it came down to her outer beauty, I didn't expect anyone to complain. Not even for the fake boobs. There was plenty about her that they could love, inside and out.
“What are you thinking about now?” She wanted to know.
“Not much.” I admitted. “I'm mesmerized by you.”
“Cute.”
“I'm serious.”
“Sure you are, darling.” Her face moved in close and I could practically feel her lips. Her breath fanned my face. “Sure you are.”
“I am...”
We were close and before I knew it, I was locking lips with her. It wasn't a dream, there was no fog splitting us or making me believe something, I was really kissing her. The weird part was that I was enjoying it. I wasn't drunk or high, I was kissing her because I wanted to.
"Oh my God." She whispered as she pulled away. "What was that?"
"I don't know." I squeaked.
"Are we drunk?"
"I don't know."
"Did we get high?"
"I don't know."
"Do you know anything that happened at all?"
"I...I..." I took a step back. My lips were still burning from that kiss. No, that wasn't a fake kiss. Fake kisses didn't burn. "I'm sorry."
“What's wrong?”
“I should never have done that. It was...this was all a big mistake!” I started to head towards the door. It didn't matter that she was going to be alone. I needed to go. I needed out of this place and to heal my lips.
“Anwar, it's okay! You don't have to leave!” She pleaded, trying to grab at my sleeve. I pulled away. As much as I hated doing that, I didn't want to be near her now. I had to be away from those lips or I would end up kissing them again. They stung me once. I didn't need to be stung again.
“No, please! Just leave me alone for a bit, okay? I have to think about all this.”
“Anwar...” She began but I didn't want to hear any more of it. I had screwed everything up with that damn kiss. I couldn't look at her. I had to run.
“Anwar, wait!” She called after me as I started to leave, weaving through the crowds of dancing people. I couldn't come back. I was being such a loser that there was no need for me to stay. I could still hear the music playing in the background as I shuffled out of the room and left Rachel behind to watch me. I didn't turn back. I didn't say another word. I left. I needed my fresh air and to clear my head.
I was made to be with you
And that's good enough for me
I was made to be yours forever
Whether in dreams or reality
I don't know what I'd do
If I never had you
Never knew who I would be
But I was meant to love you
And that's good enough for me
My lips were still on fire. I touched my mouth and pulled away. There had been a spark between us. And for the first time since we met, I got burned.
127
Carter Tachikawa
Chapter 10
My lips never went out. The fire on them, that is Rachel followed me out of the club and asked me if I wanted to go home. I could only nod yes and that was where our night ended. We drove home in silence because I couldn't speak and she seemed too embarrassed to say a word. The fire on them, that is . I went to bed feeling like my face had acid thrown onto it. I was in one piece and everything was okay with me. My blood pressure was normal. My heartbeat, though fast, was steady for the most part. But I was living in a dream that I could not shake. I had kissed a girl passionately and I had loved it. It was what I had hoped kisses would be like. At the same time, I wasn't ready for this step. I didn't even know that this step was in our plan. I figured our kisses would be dry, no tongue un like Aurora and Dylan. But no, this one was a real kiss. A strong, passionate kiss. It was a kiss that defined romance.
“I'm so confused.” I muttered to myself, sitting up. “I can't do this.”
But I had to do this. I had come too far for me to give up right now. I couldn't back out on Rachel either. There were just a few more days to get through and then we would both be home free. We had to stop these passionate kisses.
“But I want to kiss her.” I said out loud. “I love kissing her!”
I was getting nowhere with myself. I needed another person to talk to.
No, scratch that. I needed another male to talk to. Since my father would be of no help and I had no brothers and my male relatives wouldn't be coming down for a while, I had only one choice. I didn't like my one choice because he frightened me to no end. I knew he could easily pop my head off like a cork on a champagne bottle if I made a wrong move. And knowing me, I would make a million wrong moves. I would be in the trash compactor quicker than I could say 'Ow!'
But I had to ask him. I had to ask Dylan about this. He was the only male I could rely on right now and maybe he could help. If I played all my cards right, he would help me out. So I decided to go to Rachel's house because I knew he would be there to see Aurora. If she wasn't with him, he was with her. Those two might as well have been sewn at their hips. They were rarely seen apart and I didn't like that I had to butt in. Still, what had to be done, had to be done. I drove over to her house in my father's car since he had taken my mother's old thing to work. I knew they would be there. They had to be. I took the key that Rachel gave me and opened the door.
“Hello? Anyone home?” I called out. “It's me, Anwar!”
“In here!” Someone yelled from the family room. Or at least that's what it sounded like. I felt that darkness inside me growing. I wasn't going to see anything good in that family room. Nothing good at all. I held down the vomit that was brewing inside me and decided to see what lay ahead in the abyss known as the family room.
To no one's shock, least of all mine, Aurora and Dylan were making out on the couch. I had no qualms with this whatsoever. They were a couple in love. They were a couple who wanted to let the whole world know they were in love. They were also a couple lying shirtless on top of each other and shoving their tongues into each other's mouths. Dylan also had his pants slowly falling off so I could see his hipbones. Aurora was giggling and digging her fingers into his back. I cleared my throat so the lovebirds would know they weren't alone. Dylan looked up and sighed. He grabbed his shirt from the sofa arm and put it back on. I felt terrible for ruining his fun but this was far more important.
A Promise to Keep Page 9