She still looked confused. “Spit it out, Anwar. Say what you're trying to say because I am so confused by all of this. Are you telling me you don't want to fake date?”
“No!” I exclaimed. “I want to date you!”
“Huh?”
“I just said so, Rachel. I want to date you like I was your boyfriend. I want to take you out to restaurants and the movies and all those clubs that I avoided when I was younger! I want us to keep having flour fights and making a mess in my kitchen. I want all this and I don't regret any minute that I spent with you. Do you get what I'm saying now?”
She blinked and took a step back. “I don't know if I do.”
“Time for the ceremony!” My mother exclaimed, breaking up the tension between us. I stared at Rachel, praying that she said something to break silence we had built around us. “Come on! Come on! Everybody is waiting for you!”
“I, uh...” I stared down at the ground. “I can't go through with this.”
“Wait, what are you talking about?” Rachel asked. “I think I get what you're saying but you're still not clear! So say it! Say what you want to say!”
“Oh ho, Anwar, we are running late!” My mother reached out for my arm but I pulled away. “What is wrong now?”
“Everything!” I blurted out. “Everything I've done is wrong! Everything that's happening is happening for the wrong reason. I...I'm just an idiot, okay? I fucked up. I fucked up so bad that I'm pretty much ruined! My life is ruined!”
“Anwar!”
“What do you mean?” Rachel looked worried by my reply. In the meantime, my eyes were darting around the room and focusing on the front door. I had to get away. I could not celebrate something like this. Not when I wasn't sure of my feelings for Rachel. I wanted her right then and there. But I was frozen and I couldn't tell her.
“What is this foolishness?” My mother demanded. “What are you joking about?”
“It's not a joke!”
“Then what is it?” Rachel wanted to know.
“We were never engaged, Amma”, I finally said. “We're not getting married. Hell, I don't think she even loves me. It was made up. Just another stupid mistake that I made in my life.”
With that, I darted out the front door and didn't wait to see what the reactions from either one would be.
127
Carter Tachikawa
Chapter 20
I wasn't sure where I was headed when I got into the car and sped out of the driveway. All I knew was that I needed to get away. I didn't want to face my mother's wrath or Rachel's confusion or my relatives everything. The headache I had was splitting my brain in half and I needed to leave. I couldn't believe that I had not told Rachel what I felt. Instead, I decided to be a dunderbrain and blurt out my plan. Would anyone forgive me? Probably in the next millions years. Or after two lifetimes. I had no doubt there were conversations about me going on in that house hold . The women were cursing me out, the men were relieved they didn't have to deal with this, the kids were screaming and needing attention, and Rachel was just standing in the middle of it, confused and wanting to die of embarrassment. I hated to leave her like that but I knew she didn't want to see me.
I drove down the road, listening to some band called Dir en Gray, and tried to focus on the lyrics instead. Unfortunately, I didn't understand a single word from them. No matter s . At least I wouldn't be griping or worrying if I didn't understand something. I didn't want sad songs at the moment and definitely had no interest in listening to anything sad. The CD belonged to Neela anyway and she had left it in my car days ago. I didn't want to rummage through my mess so I sat in my car and listened to what I had.
How did my plan backfire on me? It was just something simple I wanted to pull off. I wanted everyone to give me space and leave me alone about marriage. Rachel said she would do this with me. We were fine with the plan. So why the hell did I get butterflies in my stomach every time she was near me? Why couldn't I kill those butterflies? Was this what real love felt like? Did people always get insects floating around in them? I didn't know and I didn't want to care anymore. I had to shake all this off because I had no chance in hell with Rachel anymore.
I found myself in our local park and decided to rest there. Very few people knew that this was my resting place. Anytime I needed to clear my head, I came here. I walked around, watched butterflies, moths, and fireflies do their thing, and listened to the people that were nearby. There were trails to take but I rarely took them. I just went wherever my path led me. That was a good thing to o . I had no direction to go tonight , and I just wanted to be out as long as possible. I had gone down these paths before for other bad times; when my paternal grandfather passed away, when I didn't receive a 5 on my AP chemistry exam, when I got teased by everyone about not making the honor roll, when I got thrown out of a club, and everything in between. They were good to go down and stay lost on for hours. Right now, that was what I wanted. To get lost. To be anywhere else.
I started heading down one of the paths, ignoring the signs and just looking up at the sky. The moon had come out. Crescent moon. Oh good, no damn werewolves running about. At least I wasn't going to end up eaten tonight. Maybe I'd trip and fall into a ditch but it didn't matter. I wasn't about to head home to face the drama. I didn't want to answer questions, I didn't want to make up excuses ; , I just wanted to get away.
“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” I kept smacking my forehead. How could I have ever thought this was a smart idea? No, why was I thinking it? Had I lost my mind? Most likely.
I found a park bench and collapsed onto it. It was my favorite bench and I knew no one else would want to be sitting with me. I was sweaty, panting, and a moron. No one needed to be near me right now. I didn't want to be near me. All I could do was think about how Aurora had done this to Dylan and how it led to them being in love. Sure, they were fighting now but they could make it up. They were in love with each other. Me I , on the other, had no idea what I was feeling. Maybe I was in love. But Rachel could not be in love with me. This wasn't in our deal. It wasn't a part of the plan.
I felt low. I had been in the dumps before but this was different. At least when I was sad, I could get over it. I knew I would be fine after those other times. I could be fine with failing a physics exam , or being teased by someone. I could live with my parents fighting , or having to eat something wretched. What I could not live with was guilt. I guess what they said about it was true; it did eat away at me. It was swallowing my intestines and not leaving anything behind. I wondered if the whole praying to God to take me away deal was real. Because I wanted the ground to open right now. God, take me. Take me away from this!
“Anwar? You okay?”
I looked up at the sound of my name. It was Mary. She had apparently come for the ceremony but was probably told that it was over. I knew she would be the one to find me. She knew I would be walking around the park, trying to clear myself of my sins and stupidity.
"Mind if I sit down with you?"
"Go ahead. It's a free country and a free park." I patted the spot next to me and she did sit down, putting her purse to the side. I pretended not to be disturbed.
“It's quiet today.” She began.
“Probably a good thing.” I replied. “Le ss t's noise for me to deal with. You know how I feel about noise pollution.”
"Why'd you run away?" She asked.
"I didn't want to deal with it. It was an act of impulse." I shrugged. "I have no doubt that I've left the entire room in shock."
"Well, yeah, they're in shock. But they are worried about you too." She sat down next to me. "Are you afraid that you went too fast?"
"Kind of. I didn't think people fell in love so fast. This was just a game for us. I didn't want any of it in the beginning."
"And now you do?"
"Now , I like her a lot." I said. "As the days went on, I just started to like her more. I thought I was faking it well for my family but I wasn't. Is this normal? I thought this was
the type of thing that happened in books like Twilight. Now I'm no sparkling vampire and neither is she. But the fast falling in love thing? That's happening. I don't know why but it is."
"So you love her!" Mary exclaimed.
"I do." I nodded. "I didn't think I could but I do. The problem is I don't think she's going to love me back. Not in the way I want her to."
"Have you asked her?"
"I've tried to. I wanted to tell her that I loved her. But the words were caught in my throat." I gulped. "I wanted to tell her and hoped that she would accept it. Yet everything wrong came out. What I wanted to reveal was the wrong thing. How does that happen?!"
"Your guilty conscience caught up with you. It happens." She said. "Are you going back now?"
"I don't know when I can go back. Probably when everyone's asleep."
"The park will be closed soon."
"I don't care. I'll sleep on the bench if I have to."
“You? Sleep on a bench? You hate sleeping outdoors in India. I doubt you'll enjoy the benches here.” She stood up and gave me her hand. “Come on. This isn't the best place to be.”
“Funny. Cause I don't feel the slight bit nervous here.”
“You have to face your family and Rachel sooner or later, Anwar.”
“Can I face them, tomorrow? Give them some time to digest what I said?”
“Anwar!”
“Okay, okay, I'll go see them in an hour! Fine?”
“That's better.” She nodded. “Now what about Rachel?”
“What about her?”
“You have to face her too. You just ran off without saying goodbye or anything.”
“Because it doesn't feel like goodbye. I don't want it to be a goodbye.” I clasped my hands and put them under my chin. “Although she probably never wants to see me again. After the mess I pulled off back there, I don't blame her.”
“Anwar, you can't...”
“No, it's okay. I took a risk and it turned out to be a stupid mistake. I never want to take another risk in my life again.”
“I hope you're not serious about that.”
That one did not come from Mary but right behind me. I slowly turned to find Rachel looking down at me, her face half-sad and half-relieved that I was alive. My words were frozen on my lips and I tried to come up with an excuse for all this. But I could come up with nothing.
“I really hope what you said isn't true.” She went on. “About not taking a risk again. You'd be making an even bigger mistake.”
“I, uh...I was just...” I started to stammer, sitting up on the bench.
“No more games, Anwar.”
“Well, I'm not playing games anymore. I told you. I'm through with them.”
“You sure about that?”
“Why wouldn't I be? Look where they led me to.”
“Well, you weren't alone in that.” She said. “I took part too. I agreed to it. We danced around with that scheme the whole time. We took a big risk. What's one more going to hurt?”
“It might end up breaking our hearts.” I whispered. “It might make us more miserable than we already are. I don't want us both to keep living in misery. I want you happy and I want to be happy. Are you sure you can handle that?”
She stared at me, wanting to answer the question. I could see it in her eyes. She had an answer for me. All she needed to do was open her mouth and let it come out. I didn't care what it was. I just wanted to know the truth.
So she opened her mouth and started to speak.
127
Carter Tachikawa
Chapter 21
But she didn't get much out because Mary cut in. “How long are you two going to be at this? One of you say something already!”
Wow, thanks a lot. I glowered at her in hopes that she'd understand and scram. When she didn't budge, I began thinking up of a lot of swear words to make her run. Didn't she see that she was about to ruin a good moment between us? Crazy girl. If I could, I would...
"Do you mind if I talk to him in private?" Rachel asked.
Well, that wasn't what I had been thinking but it worked as well.
"Go ahead." Mary nodded towards me. "I think you both have a lot to talk about so I should leave you alone to deal with it." Then she waved. "I'll see you later, Anwar."
"Yeah, bye." I waved to her.
She approached me and I found myself glued to the bench. Great. The one time I wanted to run away and I couldn't. The sweat from my thighs kept me from moving. But even if I wasn't stuck, I didn't want to run. She was beautiful, pink hair, fake boobs, and all. She was wearing one of my mother's saris and making sure that she didn't get dirt on it. But it was the look on her face that caught me. She was so innocent and gentle right there. Not the crazy woman I had seen the first time around, the one I hoped would be my fake girlfriend and wife.
"Hey." She rolled up the sari so I could see her feet. Mehindi. I had a good feeling she asked someone to put it on her hands and feet. Then I noticed that some of the design was wonky and I figured she had done it.
"Hey." I returned.
"Can I sit down?"
"Like I told Mary, it's a free country and a free park. I'm not going to stop you from sitting anywhere."
She looked at the bench and made sure there was no bird shit on it before sitting. "Why did you run away? You just blabbed the whole plan and just zipped on out of there. I didn't know where you were going and I didn't know what to do next other than finish off the explanation. Your family knows what you did."
"Embarrassment." I said. "I couldn't take it anymore. It was getting too close for comfort so I had to let them know. My family is pissed off, aren't they?"
"Truth be told, they are worried about you. And confused why you would do such a thing. As for me, I don't know what to say."
I threw my arms up in the air. "Go figure you wouldn't."
"Meaning?"
I sighed and took her hand. "Look, Rachel, this isn't easy. I don't know how I can say this without coming off like any idiot. But I think it's time for me to say..."
"I love you." She cut me off.
"Yeah", I nodded. "Yeah, that's what I was trying to get at and just couldn't."
"No, I love you."
"I know, I know, you told me the first time around. God, you make it sound so easy and I couldn't even get the first part of it out."
"Aren't you getting it yet? I'm not trying to finish your sentence. I'm declaring my love for you! I love you, Anwar. Me, Rachel. Rachel loves Anwar. I love you." She said.
"You love me?" My ears perked up at that. "Is that what you're saying?"
"That's what's coming out of my mouth, isn't it?" She rolled her eyes. "Look, Anwar. Just like you, I didn't think I would get used to you. Let's face it. You weren't my type when I met you. I agreed to this because I owed Mary a favor and you just seemed like a nice guy. Maybe not my kind of guy but you were cool. Plus I was also bored so I figured why not. It was fun in the beginning. Getting to you know, your culture, everything in between."
She paused right then so I had to push the rest of it out. "But what happened? Did it stop being fun?"
"No, you were fun. Slowly but surely, you turned into the guy that was my type. I began enjoying our time together and I wanted it to be serious. The fake feelings weren't fake anymore. Do you see where I'm going with all this?"
"I think so. You were just as nervous as I was about this."
"I was petrified. I have never felt this way about anyone who was my type, let alone anyone like you. But the kissing was great. Everything I learned about you was great. I was falling for you and I didn't know if you felt the same way." She looked down at her hands. "In fact, that's what I wanted to tell you before the ceremony today. I wanted you to know that I loved you. I still love you. But if you don't feel the same way about me, then that's okay. I will leave you alone. I just needed you to know."
I was taken a back by this. Rachel loved me? All this time I had figured that she found me annoying
and only did this for the hell of it. "Whoa."
"Yeah, whoa." She nodded. "It's so much to take in. Your head is probably spinning from knowing all that. I'm really sorry if it's coming so fast for you."
"Well, that's the thing. I was afraid I was going too fast for you."
"You , going fast for me?"
"The truth is that I'm in love with you too." I finally got out, not feeling like an idiot and blabbing all over the place. "I'm not sure how it happened but it happened. It wasn't supposed to be this way but you were so great to me. I wanted a relationship with you and I cursed myself that we weren't together. As the days went on and you became more charming, I began to want you. I got...well, I got that funny feeling...I'm not sure what it is..."
"You got butterflies." She realized.
"Butterflies."
"And you wanted to murder them but didn't. I know. There were a ton of butterflies in my stomach when I spent time with you."
"Yeah, that sounds like me." I grinned. "I have butterflies. How did you know?"
"Aurora told me about them." She returned the grin. "Said she got them when she first saw Cal. She got them again when she saw Dylan. I didn't get what she was talking about back then but I do now. And I don't think I mind having them around."
"Same. So I just want you to know that, regardless what happens with us...I love you, Rachel Morgan. It's a big risk I'm taking with this but I had to...well, I had to take the plunge."
"Taking the plunge and butterflies, huh?" She stretched out on the bench. "Sounds like you and I have more in common than we realized."
“Maybe we do.” I agreed. “But you want to take the plunge and so do I. So what do you say we take it together?”
“I think that's best. Are we going to start slow with this?”
“Depends. Am I going slow now?” I moved in closer and we kissed.
A Promise to Keep Page 17