She’d expected at least a smile out of him, or some kind of quick comeback. When she got neither, Hallie knew something was wrong.
“Are you okay?”
He looked at her for a second. “Why don’t we go out for lunch? There’s a pizza parlor a few miles away. We could go there and still have Ahn back on time for her nap.”
Hallie hesitated. “But we don’t know if Ahn will eat pizza.”
“There’s only one way to find out,” he said and headed for the door as if the matter were settled.
Hallie remained still for a second, then picked up the diaper bag again and followed. She had no idea what had put Nate in such a pissy mood—she wasn’t even sure she wanted to know. But something told her not to argue with him about going out for pizza. They’d been getting along too well to start a fight over something as trivial as him suggesting that they go out for lunch.
She found him waiting for her when she walked onto the deck. He didn’t say a word. He simply took the diaper bag off her shoulder, reached for Ahn, then started down the steps.
O-kay.
Again, Hallie kept her mouth shut. As hard as that was for her to do, she followed along behind him without saying a word. She didn’t say anything when she got into Nate’s SUV. Not when he put Ahn in the car seat they’d bought for the Rover. And not when Nate backed down the driveway and they headed off to this mysterious pizza parlor that supposedly was only a few miles away. Neither of them said a thing.
For at least two minutes they didn’t say a word.
Until Ahn let out a bloodcurdling scream.
“Jesus!” Nate exclaimed and almost ran off the road.
Hallie burst out laughing. Ahn giggled, pleased with herself.
Nate frowned at Hallie. “Care to tell me what’s going on?”
Hallie gave him a quick rundown of how all the women sharing stories about Janet had caused her mini-meltdown after play group. How she’d screamed in frustration and how Ahn had laughed for the first time. And how they’d both screamed together. How wonderful it had been to see Ahn finally expressing herself instead of giving Hallie her usual disconnected stare.
But Hallie didn’t tell him what Janet had told Liz. Or that she’d called Liz on the way home to apologize and to explain why she’d left so abruptly. She was never going to tell Nate that part.
They’d finally reached a point over these past four weeks where there wasn’t constant sexual tension between them. On occasion, their eyes would meet and Hallie could feel the heat between them. But for the most part they’d been working extremely well together as a team.
Now that Ahn was showing signs of progress, Hallie didn’t want Nate all freaked out over something random Janet had said. Especially not after she’d seen the expression on Nate’s face earlier. He’d looked as if he were ready to bolt, like the old Nate who always kept his distance.
“Don’t you realize what this means? We’re doing something right, Nate. Finally, Ahn’s showing some emotion.”
“Sounds like we’ve all had an emotional morning,” he said as he pulled into the parking lot.
He got out without expounding any further on that comment. And again, instinct told Hallie to back off. If Nate wanted to tell her what he meant, he would.
She sighed, and opened her door, too. By the time she got out of the Rover, Nate already had Ahn in the crook of his arm, the diaper bag on his shoulder, and was heading for the entrance. He didn’t look back to see if she was coming. And he didn’t wait for her to catch up.
Hallie stood there for a second with her hands on her hips. And this, Hallie thought, is what married with children would be like.
She shuddered and followed.
NATE WAS USED TO slipping the head waiter a nice tip in order to get a good table in a five-star restaurant, instead of looking around a pizza parlor for a high chair. But even a mom-and-pop joint like this was better than another day of eating lunch as usual.
The same routine was making him restless.
Nate hadn’t realized how much he missed his freedom until he was sitting at the nursing home with his mother. Then finding Hallie waiting for him to feed Ahn her lunch had only made him feel more trapped.
Going out for pizza was at least a change.
Nate would take what he could get.
He returned to the table, high chair in tow. As soon as Hallie got Ahn settled, she began looking around, checking things out. Nate hoped she wouldn’t show off the new tricks she’d learned. Laughing was one thing. But that unexpected high-pitched scream had scared the living crap out of him.
Funny how this little slice of domesticity also scared the crap out of him.
He was losing his edge. Letting other people suck the life right out of him. Hallie. Ahn. His mother. Everywhere he turned, someone was depending on him. He was beginning to feel the same way he had after his father died.
As if the whole world were sitting on his shoulders.
“What do you think about spinach and cheese for Ahn?” Hallie asked. “That would give her a vegetable.”
“You decide,” Nate told her.
“Do you want to split a supreme with me?”
“Sure.” Who cared what kind of pizza they ate? Or Ahn ate? These weren’t life-and-death decisions.
A pimple-faced kid with a phony smile on his face came to take their order. Hallie spoke to the waiter and then looked at Nate. “What do you want to drink?”
“Just pick something,” Nate said. “Coke. Water. Whatever.” He didn’t even pay attention to what she got him.
“I didn’t realize until today how far behind Ahn is compared to other children her age. She doesn’t even try to interact with other children, Nate. The entire time we were there she never even looked in their direction.”
“She’s been tested, Hallie,” Nate said with more than a hint of groan in his voice. “There’s nothing physically wrong with her.”
She looked at Ahn again and so did Nate. She was slowly tearing the wrapper off one of the crayons the waiter had given her instead of coloring on the coloring sheet.
It was the same thing she had done at a session with Deb. The doctor’s explanation for the behavior was that Ahn had the tendency to focus on small things she could manage. Tiny pieces of paper, for instance, rather than a whole sheet of paper that was overwhelming for her.
Maybe that was his problem, too.
Everything was becoming too overwhelming for him.
“Nate, I hate to even say this—”
“Then don’t. Let’s just sit here, eat in peace, then we’ll go back to the house.”
Her angry expression said he’d pushed her too far.
“I have a better idea, Nate. Why don’t you sit here and eat your pizza in peace. Ahn and I will go back to the house. And you can find your own way back after you get rid of whatever bug it is that you suddenly have up your ass!”
She held out her hand for his keys at the same time the kid came back to the table with their drinks. It gave Nate the time he needed for a quick attitude adjustment.
“I’m sorry,” he said when the kid walked away. “I’m being a real jerk and I know it. I went to see my mother this morning and it left me in a crappy mood.”
The anger faded from her eyes. “How is she?”
“The same,” Nate said. “But every bad memory I thought I’d forgotten came flooding back the second I stepped into her room. I apologize for taking all that out on you.”
She smiled slightly. “I wish I didn’t know how hard it is to have bad memories of your parents, but I do. My father didn’t have Alzheimer’s disease, but he might as well have, for all the attention he paid to Janet and me. I’ve often wondered if that’s why he married my mother’s best friend only three months after our mother died. He wanted a strong no-nonsense woman who would dominate our lives so he would never have to deal with us again.”
“I didn’t realize you had that type of relationship with your father,” Nate admitted.
“Or that Roberta had been your mother’s best friend.”
“Do you think our parents are the reason you and I are so screwed up?”
Nate was surprised by her comment. “You really think we’re screwed up?”
“Most people would say so. We don’t feel the need to be in a relationship, much less get married. We’re committed to our careers. Any friends we have are casual, not long-term. Shall I continue?”
“Are you saying you agree?”
“No,” she said. “I think you and I are self-sufficient people who happen to have bad memories about our parents. And I don’t think it’s fair to blame our parents for anything. Look at David and Janet compared to you and me. We had the same upbringing. And we all had the same choices to make about how we lived our lives. You and I simply made different choices than they did.”
“You’re basically telling me to put the bad memories behind me and get over it.”
“No,” she said. “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the bug that put you in such a bad mood.”
Nate smiled at her. “You think you’re pretty clever, don’t you?”
Hallie smiled back. “Just one kindred spirit trying to talk another off the ledge, that’s all.”
They kept staring at each other.
Longer than they needed to be staring at each other.
Fortunately the arrival of the food saved them.
“Okay,” she said, changing the subject. “Work your magic. See if you can get Miss Priss to eat her spinach.”
Nate reached out and placed a slice of the spinach and cheese on a plate, cut it into small pieces, then waved his hand over the plate until it cooled. Ahn watched his every move the entire time.
“Pizza,” Nate told her. “Can you say pizza?”
Ahn looked down at the plate, then back up at him.
“Try it,” Nate encouraged. “If you don’t like it, we’ll get you something else.”
Still, Ahn made no move toward the plate.
Nate put a slice on a plate for Hallie and handed it over. “Can you say pizza, Hallie?”
Hallie played along. “Pizza.” She took a bite and said, “Mmm. Very good. Thank you, Nate.”
“I think I’ll have some myself,” Nate said.
But he and Hallie were on their second slice before Ahn finally put a piece into her mouth. When she reached for the second piece, Nate looked across the table to find Hallie smiling at him.
“We really are making progress, aren’t we?”
“Yes,” she said. “We are.”
“And us?” Nate said. “We’re good now, right?”
“Yes. We’re good now.”
AHN HAD STARTED SCREAMING at one o’clock in the morning. It was two now, and she was still screaming.
But these weren’t breakthrough screams, they were screams of desperation.
Hallie knew exactly how Ahn felt. She finally walked across the nursery and pushed the intercom button on the wall.
“Nate, can you hear me?”
She waited a second and pushed the button again. “Nate.”
“I’m here,” he finally said.
“I’m sorry to wake you, but Ahn won’t stop crying.”
He said he was on his way.
Hallie hurried downstairs to let Nate in. She’d been so sure they were making progress. So sure Ahn was warming up to her. So sure that, finally, she was doing something right.
All Hallie was sure of now was that she couldn’t wait for Nate to take over.
Nate walked in and looked at Ahn before his eyes traveled over Hallie’s skimpy pajamas.
Every nerve in Hallie’s body snapped to attention.
She shook it off. “I’m sorry I had to call you, but she’s been crying since one o’clock.”
He reached out to take the baby. “Why didn’t you call me earlier?”
“It didn’t make any sense for both of us to lose sleep.”
The second Nate lifted Ahn to his shoulder she put her arms around his neck and held on tight. When her crying slowed to sniffs, Nate looked over the top of Ahn’s head. “Go back to bed.” He nodded toward the stairs. “I’ll bring Ahn up after she’s calmed down.”
He was being considerate, and Hallie knew it. But his dismissal made her feel even more irrelevant.
“Go,” he said, waving her on.
Hallie didn’t have to be told she wasn’t needed twice.
She headed for the stairs, pausing on the bottom step only long enough to say, “I have the baby monitor next to the bed, so I’ll be able to hear Ahn after you leave. Just remember to lock the door behind you.”
He nodded, gently swaying with Ahn to soothe her.
Go back to bed.
How she wished it were that easy. Hallie already knew sleep would be a long time coming. Sleep had eluded her most nights since the accident, leaving her lying alone staring at the ceiling.
She sat on the side of the bed, too tired to be tired if that made any sense. She was tired of all of it. Tired of feeling out of control. Tired of feeling like a failure with Ahn. Tired of feeling dead on the inside.
Janet and David had died in that car wreck. Not her.
Yet she’d slowly been fading into a ghost of the woman she’d been before the accident. She needed to feel alive again. She needed assurance that her hopes and wants and needs hadn’t been buried along with her sister.
Hallie glanced at the monitor on the bedside table. Ahn was in her crib, Nate was covering her up. Hallie waited until Ahn’s room went dark before she stood and walked away from the bed.
NATE COULD SEE the train wreck coming when he found Hallie standing in the hallway. It was the same train that had been barreling in his direction for ten long years. Only this time, Nate didn’t step off the track.
Not when he saw the desperate look in her eyes.
Not when she didn’t try to hide her raw, burning need.
“My turn,” she said. “I need you to hold me now. I need you to hold me and tell me everything’s going to be okay.”
At that moment, Nate admitted what he’d known all along. He loved her. But he loved Hallie too much not to be honest with her. He walked to where she was standing, her back against the bedroom door leaving only inches between them.
He caressed the side of her face. “If you take me to your bed, Hallie, I can’t promise you forever.”
“No one can promise forever, Nate. Promise me now.”
Nate didn’t resist when Hallie took him by the hand and led him into the bedroom. She stopped at the side of the bed, never saying a word as she slowly undressed in front of him.
She stood there, baring herself body and soul.
She was the most beautiful thing Nate had ever seen.
He pulled off his T-shirt and stepped out of his jeans. And when he got into bed beside her, Nate pulled Hallie close against him, holding her the way she needed to be held, and whispering over and over that everything was going to be okay.
He didn’t try to rush her. He didn’t push her to do anything. He gave her time to decide if she did want more.
She moved closer against him and the feel of her soft, full breasts against his chest made him stir. Her hand slid downward across his stomach, stopping when it reached where he couldn’t hide how much he wanted her.
Nate shivered when she touched him.
She rolled on top of him, taking him inside her.
They both moaned when she did.
Nate grabbed her hips, holding her in place as she moved against him, slowly at first, faster as she became lost in her own need. Nate matched her thrust for thrust. He understood her urgency. Felt how desperately Hallie needed to feel the pleasure again in order to forget the pain.
Nate gave her what she needed. Pleasure for the sake of pleasure—nothing else.
But when she cried out, her body quivering as she collapsed against him, Nate rolled her onto her side, cupped her beautiful face in his hands and kissed her tenderly. Now he’d give
her what Hallie didn’t know she needed. Something Nate needed from her just as badly.
More than meaningless sex.
“I WANT TO MAKE LOVE to you,” he murmured.
Hallie moaned when he bent down and ran his tongue slowly around the nipple of her right breast. He took her nipple into his mouth and Hallie pushed his head closer. The sensation was incredible—almost more than she could stand.
“I want to show you how I’ve dreamed of making love to you from the first time you looked in my direction.”
He let his fingers slowly trail down her stomach, past her navel. He parted her legs. And when his finger moved inside her, Hallie fisted the sheets.
“And I want you to know I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I’ve always wanted you.”
His mouth trailed down from her breast, down to the center of her stomach. Hallie gasped when his mouth moved lower. He parted her legs again, placing them over his shoulders as he lowered his head and placed his mouth against her. Her fingernails sank into his rock-hard flesh as his tongue slid inside her.
He took his time, teasing her, suckling her, driving her crazy as wave after wave of pure ecstasy took her to places Hallie had never been before. And just when she thought she was completely satiated, Nate kissed his way back up her body, making her mad with desire all over again.
“I want inside you now,” he whispered. “I want inside you so deep you’ll never forget I’ve been there.”
He entered her possessively this time. Claiming what he wanted. Backing up his threat that she’d never be able to forget him.
Never had Hallie been more turned on.
“Look at me,” Nate said.
Hallie did.
“I want you to see how much I want you. I want you to see how much I’ve always wanted you so there’ll never be any doubt in your mind about that again.”
He moved slowly at first, taking her with him as he moved faster, increasing the intensity of what they were sharing together. Hallie’s eyes never left his face.
It was the most sensual moment of her life, staring into his eyes, finally letting herself feel what she could see Nate was feeling. No holding back. So caught up in each other nothing else mattered except the uncontainable desire that had finally brought them full circle.
Adopted Parents Page 10