Now August had turned into September with no prospects on the parental front. It made Hallie worried.
Worse, she’d had nothing but bad news all week. First, from Greg, letting them know that the adoption agency had exhausted their nationally linked applicant file and had no other couples who met their qualifications.
Second, Nate had dropped a bomb on Hallie after Ahn’s latest session with Deb. According to Deb, unless they were able to find adoptive parents for Ahn by her third birthday, she would strongly advise against the readoption. Apparently by age three, Ahn would reach a critical stage where another major life change could be so traumatic for her that she might suffer serious emotional issues for the rest of her life.
Ahn would turn three in February.
That left four short months to find new parents, and Hallie wasn’t stupid. The chance of that happening would be nothing short of a miracle.
Hallie glanced at Ahn, playing in the yard with Liz’s son. Liz had stopped by to return some of Janet’s silver serving pieces she’d borrowed for a dinner party and had stayed for a visit. They sat on the deck, sipping iced tea, while Ahn ordered Jacob around, giving him strict instructions about what he could and could not do with her toys.
Ahn had gone from not talking to talking nonstop. And boy, had she turned into a bossy little thing. Nate, of course, was wrapped around Ahn’s little finger. That meant Hallie had to be the disciplinarian—so not her favorite new role.
Time-out was employed at least once a day because Ahn was so stubborn and often refused to do what she was told. The second she’d served her sentence, she ran straight to Nate, her lip pooched out at Hallie for putting her there.
Hallie had vented to Roberta about the situation more than once. And Roberta always reminded her that the hardest part about being in a mother’s role was having to be the bad guy.
Given the current circumstances, it appeared Hallie was going to become Ahn’s mother whether that had been her intention or not. She and Nate had talked extensively after the session with Deb on Tuesday. Hallie had agreed that rather risk the chance of any permanent emotional damage to Ahn, who had already suffered so much, they would call off the readoption if they hadn’t found parents by her third birthday.
“Am I wrong, Hallie? Or are you a million miles away today?”
“Sorry, Liz. I guess I am.”
Liz looked at her thoughtfully. “Thinking about Janet?”
“Would you think I’m terrible if I told you I was thinking that I’d really like to be me again, instead of Janet?”
“I don’t think you’re terrible at all,” Liz said. “It has to be overwhelming stepping into your sister’s life like this. Taking care of her child. Living in her house. Driving her car.”
Hallie sighed. “Thank you so much for saying that. I needed someone to agree with me today that I have the right to mourn losing myself as well as losing Janet.”
“Still no new parents to interview?”
Hallie shook her head. “And I don’t expect there will be. We got word from the adoption agency that it doesn’t look promising. Plus Ahn’s psychologist told us if we didn’t find new parents by her third birthday, it would be in her best interest to call off the readoption. Otherwise we’d risk serious emotional damage from another drastic life change.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“Do I think it’s best for Ahn if Nate and I raise her? No. But we both agree we’ll do what we have to do under the circumstances.”
“I wasn’t going to mention this, Hallie, but George’s new boss and his wife have decided to adopt. She told me at the dinner party last week.”
“And you like them?”
“Jen and Ben Harris are wonderful people.”
“And their names rhyme,” Hallie joked.
“I swear you’d like them, Hallie.”
Hallie really didn’t have any hope that these people would be interested in Ahn, but to humor Liz she said, “Okay. Tell me about them.”
“Well, like I said, Ben is George’s new boss—CEO for the Boston branch of Allied International Advertising. They transferred here from Los Angeles when Ben got his promotion. Jen isn’t working at the moment, but she’s a professional fundraiser, and in the past she’s worked for organizations like the Make-A-Wish Foundation and the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. And that’s really all I do know about them except that…” Liz paused for a second.
“Sorry, it makes me want to cry every time I think about this. Their first child and their second child were stillborn, Hallie. You can understand why they can’t go through that again.”
Hallie’s heart went out to the couple and she hadn’t even met them yet. “Why don’t I give you our attorney’s number before you leave and you can give it to them? If they’re interested, tell them to call Greg’s office and set up an interview with us.”
Liz beamed at that suggestion. “I would love to do that. For you, for Ahn and for Jen.”
“BEN AND JEN. Cute,” Nate said while they were eating dinner.
“I made a joke about their names rhyming, too,” Hallie told him. “But Liz really likes this couple. She’ll have them call Greg, if they’re interested.”
“Pasta,” Ahn demanded from her high chair.
“Pasta, please,” Hallie corrected.
Ahn looked directly at Nate.
“Say please,” he instructed.
“Please,” Ahn said.
Hallie grabbed Ahn’s dish, and went to the kitchen for more pasta. But as she did, Nate leaned over and held his hand up.
Ahn slapped his palm with a loud high five.
Hallie frowned at him. “You know how much I hate that, Nate.”
“Oops,” he said, covering his mouth with his hand.
Ahn burst out laughing.
“No wonder I’m having trouble with her manners. You make a big game out of everything. And I’m sorry, but please should not be followed by a big high five.”
“We’re just having fun, Hallie,” he said. “Ease up. You’re beginning to sound like Roberta.”
Hallie felt the blood drain to her feet.
She turned away so she didn’t have to look at either of them. She leaned against the counter, reeling from what Nate had said. She was becoming like Roberta. And suddenly Hallie knew why.
Ahn treated Hallie exactly the way she’d treated Roberta when she’d lost her mother at such an early age. She’d been indifferent toward Roberta and completely defiant because she’d wanted her mother instead of the woman who had taken her place.
Hallie thought back to the one clear memory she did have of her mother. It was the last day Hallie had seen her alive. Roberta had taken her and Janet to the hospital, and her mother had managed to smile at them before she closed her eyes with a weary sigh. Hallie had been too young to understand that her mother would never open her eyes again.
She’d also been to young to understand why Roberta had rushed them into the waiting room and told them to color a nice picture with the crayons and paper she’d taken from Janet’s book bag. Hallie had finished her picture first, and when she’d run out into the hallway to show everyone, she remembered being angry because Roberta had her arms around her father.
“We never should have had children,” she’d heard her father say as he sobbed against Roberta’s shoulder.
“We’ll make the best of this, Joe,” Roberta assured him. “I promised Val I’d take care of all of you.”
In essence, Hallie had lost both of her parents that day. But she didn’t realize until now that she’d always blamed Roberta. And that sadly, because of her snotty attitude, Roberta had finally lost patience with her and stopped caring whether Hallie liked her or not.
That was exactly what was beginning to happen between Hallie and Ahn.
Hallie had just lost patience with Ahn over something as silly as a high five. That made her wonder if maybe she and Roberta would have had a better chance of developing a close relationship if
Roberta hadn’t given up teaching to take care of her until Hallie was in third grade. Being together day in and day out had fostered more resentment between them. Hallie had refused to do anything Roberta said. And Roberta had been used to children doing exactly what she said.
Hallie would not let that happen to her and Ahn.
Nate had told her if they did end up keeping Ahn, she could go back to work and he would stay home until Ahn started school. Did he mean that?
He needed to get a clear idea of what he was signing up for. He’d always helped with Ahn, sure, but she’d been the primary caregiver from the beginning. Nate had always had the freedom to visit his mother when he wanted. Or work on his project when he wanted. Or basically do anything he wanted whenever he wanted.
Mr. Mom was about to get his chance to take over.
HALLIE WAS RIGHT, Nate decided. He did need to be more supportive when it came to Ahn’s manners. Un fortunately, Hallie had been in a mood all day.
Hell, who was he kidding?
Lately, Hallie stayed in a mood.
And now Liz had her all pumped up about some couple she knew who just happened to be looking for a child to adopt. How convenient. Maybe they should put pictures of Ahn all over Winchester with a caption that read: Know anyone who might want to adopt this kid?
Liz needed to mind her own damn business.
Especially since he and Hallie had already decided if they couldn’t find parents by Ahn’s third birthday they would call off the readoption. Nate didn’t want anyone stepping in to screw that up.
Nate looked up as Hallie set the replenished bowl in front of Ahn then sat.
“Say thank you.”
“Thank you,” Ahn said without having to be further prompted.
Nate felt like reaching over and kissing Ahn.
Instead, he stood and walked over to stand behind Hallie’s chair. He put his arms around her and bent down to kiss her neck. “I apologize. You’re right. I need to give you more support with Ahn’s manners. What can I do to make you forgive me for being such an ass?”
She tilted her head up for a kiss.
Nate gave her one.
“Let me go back to work,” she said. “Now.”
Nate looked down at her. “Now? Seriously?”
“Yes,” she said. “You were right, too. I am starting to sound like Roberta, and I don’t want to do that to Ahn. Ever. Maybe if we create a break in our schedule, give ourselves some hours apart, she’ll be more receptive to me.”
“And you’re really ready to go back to work full-time?”
“I was thinking only part-time at first. It would give us a chance to see how you staying home and me working would play out if we do call off the readoption.”
Nate knew he couldn’t back down now. Not after she mentioned calling off the readoption.
He shrugged. “Sure. I think this is a good idea. Phone your boss tomorrow and see what you can work out.”
“And you really wouldn’t mind?”
“No. Ahn and I will do fine.”
She stood and turned to face him. Her arms slid around his neck as she kissed him. Really kissed him—as though she meant it.
“That’s only a sample of how much I appreciate you,” she whispered. “Later, you’ll get the full entrée.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”
“Then let me give Ahn her bath, and you put the dishes in the dishwasher,” she said. “I want to explain to her that I’m going back to work.”
Nate nodded okay. But he thought, What the hell did I just do?
Of course, he and Ahn would be fine. Nate wasn’t worried about that. He was worried about Hallie getting caught up in her career again and coming to the conclusion that if they did call off the readoption he could raise Ahn alone.
Even Nate didn’t want that.
Ahn deserved two parents.
Or at least, two parent figures.
But what if once Hallie broke free, she did exactly what he had done when he put his mother in the nursing home? Kept running and never looked back?
After he loaded the dishwasher, Nate climbed the stairs, ready for his nightly ritual of reading twice whatever book Ahn picked. But he paused outside the nursery door, listening as Hallie talked to her while getting Ahn into her pajamas.
“So I want you to be a good girl for Uncle Nate on the days I’m at work, okay? He loves you and he loves me, too, or he wouldn’t realize how much I miss the work I do. When you’re all grown up, you’ll have a career one day. And I don’t exactly know how to explain it, sweetie, but there’s nothing as rewarding as the satisfaction a person gets from knowing they’re the best at what they do. I guess that’s why I’ve been so grumpy lately, and I’m sorry about that. But you and I both know that I don’t do my job of taking care of you better than anyone else. I do the best I can, Ahn, but you deserve so much better than I’m able to give you.”
Nate stepped away from the door, cursing himself for eavesdropping.
He’d been lying to himself. He’d been so sure that he and Hallie being together meant the three of them would all live happily ever after.
“I’m not the mommy type,” she’d said once.
He should have paid more attention to that statement.
NOT ONLY HAD HER BOSS jumped at the chance to have her back, but he’d asked Hallie if she could begin working weekends starting this upcoming one. Hallie didn’t hesitate to tell him yes.
Working weekends meant she would still be able to take Ahn to play group on Mondays. She would also be available when Nate went for his weekly visits with his mother. She would still be free for any prospective parent interviews during the week.
Nate, however, hadn’t been so thrilled about her working weekends. And he’d seemed downright shocked when she’d told him when she would start.
But Hallie had made mad and passionate love to Nate last night—even more madly and more passionately than usual—as her way of reassuring him that he excited her more than work.
Thinking about how much Nate did excite her, Hallie reached out and took his hand. It was Friday pizza night. She would start work tomorrow so they’d celebrated at the pizza parlor. Now they were standing outside the restaurant watching Ahn ride the mechanical pony.
Hallie squeezed Nate’s hand. “I’m going to miss you tomorrow.”
His laugh had more than a touch of cynicism in it. “I doubt that. You’ll be too busy. And you’ll love every minute of it.”
Hallie didn’t like his implication that she was the only one who felt passionate about her work. “The same way you love it when you’re out in the field on assignment, you mean?”
“The same way I loved it,” he stressed. “There are more important things to me now.”
Hallie let go of his hand.
Nate had been short with her all day. She’d purposely ignored him trying to avoid an argument. The last thing she wanted was them at odds when she went to the studio. But now he was being a jerk, and Hallie wasn’t putting up with it.
“What’s going on with you, Nate? You agreed I could go back to work. But you’re acting all pissed about it. If you didn’t want me to do this, you should have just told me.”
He turned to face her. “I’m not pissed. I’m just concerned.”
“Concerned about what?”
“About you becoming so involved in your work again, there won’t be any room left in your life for us.”
Hallie reached up and kissed him. “There’ll always be room for us, Nate. I promise you that.”
“I meant Ahn and me, Hallie.”
He pushed away from her. But not before she saw the disappointment in his eyes.
“Nate,” she called out after him.
He didn’t turn around. And he didn’t wait for her to catch up. He took Ahn off the horse and headed straight to the Range Rover.
Hallie marched after him. There was just no winning with Nate or Ahn. And Hallie was getting tired of it fast.
H
e looked over at her. “Why do you put up with me?”
“I was just asking myself that same question.”
“I don’t blame you,” he said. “I’ve become the king of mixed messages, and I swear, Hallie, my only explanation for why I keep changing my mind is this damn purgatory we’re living in. I just want whatever we’re doing settled one way or the other. Can you understand that?”
He looked so discouraged Hallie reached out and took his hand. “Yes, I understand that. But we need each other, Nate. If we’re going to get through whatever happens with Ahn, we have to stick together.”
“That’s not what I meant, Hallie. I meant we can settle what happens with Ahn right now. You’re already going back to work, and I’m going to stay home with her. That much is settled. Let’s settle everything and call off the readoption.”
If only she could do that.
“I can’t, Nate. I’m sorry. Not when we still have four months left to find the right parents.”
“Okay,” he said. “We’ll do it your way.”
“It isn’t my way,” Hallie said. “It’s the right way, Nate. It’s what we promised Janet and David we would do when we signed the guardianship agreement.”
He didn’t answer.
And Hallie didn’t push it any further.
HALLIE HAD EXPECTED a skeleton crew on her first day back at the station since it was the weekend. Instead, a big welcome-back party waited for her.
Her boss, Pete Thompson, and almost every employee at the station was there to greet her. The staff lounge had been decorated with a huge banner, balloons were everywhere and an array of fruit and pastries had been brought in for the early morning celebration.
“We can’t begin to tell you how much we’ve missed you, Hallie,” Pete said in his speech. “It’s good to have you back.”
Everyone clapped and cheered.
Five months ago, Hallie wouldn’t have been able to handle such a party. But today she reveled in the attention, basked in the glory of knowing how much she’d been missed, and she wasn’t going to feel one bit guilty about it.
Here, she was Hallie Weston again, competent executive producer. Here, her opinions mattered and her ability to do her job better than anyone else was admired.
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