“Wake him up.”
Justin laughed, the sound slippery like a slick of oil on the roadway. “He’s had quite enough of your angst and silliness. Why don’t you go back to your playpen and leave him alone. I’ll take care of him from now on.” He paused a moment, then chuckled. “The way I took care of him tonight.”
“I don’t believe you.” And I didn’t.
“Don’t. It doesn’t matter to me one way or the other. You don’t understand him at all.”
“And you do?”
“Oh yeah. I know exactly what he needs. Go play with your little high school friends and leave the big boys alone.”
“You know what? Forget it. I’ll just call him.”
I was determined not to let him get to me. I was reaching to disconnect when he said, “Those boys fucked you up in more ways than one, didn’t they, Nate?” I froze, my hand on the mouse. He scoffed. “He’s not a psychologist. He’s not Superman. You want a hero, Nate? Go catch a matinee. You need your head shrunk? Go see your Dr. Parkerson. But leave Adam alone. You don’t deserve him. Oh, and just to set the record straight, he kissed me back.”
With that, he disconnected, and I watched Adam’s name ghost on the screen.
Chapter 37
I’m Queer. Get Over It.
Mission accomplished
By Nate Schaper on Oct. 12
We came, we danced, and nobody died or got arrested or beat up or sent to detention.
Oh, and when life gives you a lemon ... suck it.
Comments:
HappyBoy
Oct. 12, at 12:40 A.M.
What happened to Adam?
GodChild223
Oct. 12, at 12:43 A.M.
[DELETE]
Xyz123
Oct. 12, at 12:52 A.M.
Nate, why did you leave??
PakistaniPal
Oct. 12, at 1:00 A.M.
Sounds like somebody needs an intervention ... again. Brett2010
Oct. 12, at 2:15 A.M.
Wow! Really? You danced together at a school dance? Boy on boy? Wow. I mean, WOW. You Texas boys really know how to put it out there.
Chapter 38
There was a text waiting when I woke up the next morning.
Hey, baby. You shld have woken me up. Meet you for lunch at 11:00.
There were three things I knew. (1.) The text hadn’t been meant for me. (2.) I hadn’t been his first thought that morning. And (3.) He was calling someone else baby now.
I didn’t turn on my computer. Half an hour later, I watched the screen on my phone light up. Adam calling. I didn’t answer.
“You look like crap,” Danial said, handing me a Starbucks cup over the counter.
Crap suggested feeling. All I felt was a horrible numbness or a numbing horribleness.
“What are you doing here? It’s Sunday.”
“I was in the neighborhood.”
“Yeah, right. Any arsenic in here?” I asked, setting the cup on the counter.
“They weren’t taking special orders this morning. You’re cranky. I take it the phone call didn’t go so well.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Hmm,” he said. “Wild guess.”
A woman came into the music store just then, setting the new bells on the door jangling. Danial stepped aside while I used a mouthpiece puller to remove the stuck mouthpiece from her son’s trombone. I glanced up when the bell rang again and was surprised to see Luke walk into the shop. Danial raised his eyebrows and smirked.
Luke waved and tugged on his ear, then wandered over to the music rack and shuffled through the sheet music.
I glanced back at Danial and shrugged. I finished with the customer and walked over to Luke. “This is a surprise,” I said.
He wrinkled his forehead and dug the toe of his athletic shoe into the carpet. His mop of blond hair fell forward into his eyes. I had to resist the temptation to brush it back. “Hope you don’t mind,” he said. “Juliet, the redheaded girl, told me you worked here. After you left last night. Why did you leave? Weren’t you having a good time?”
He was so transparent. It didn’t take a linguist to see the embedded question in the question. Because what he really wanted to know was, was I having a good time with him. “Uh, yeah. I had a great time. I just, uh, I just needed some air.”
He nodded his head. “Yeah. It gets really hot when you’re dancing.”
I nodded my head back, thinking ... okay.
“So ... what are you drinking?” he asked, nodding down to my hand.
“I don’t know. I haven’t tried it yet. Probably a latte. Danial brought it.”
“You and Danial, you’re ...”
“Dating? No. We’re just good friends.”
“There’s that other guy you write about sometimes.”
That other guy. My nose burned. I was uncomfortable with the way he was looking at me, just waiting for something. I decided to change the direction of the conversation. “Is there something you needed today, or did you just stop by to say hi?”
He looked around the room, watched Mr. Ratliff through the plate-glass window in his office for a moment, then Danial, still leaning against the counter (Luke waved). “We talked last night about getting together after you got off work today. Remember? I thought maybe you’d like to meet for pizza or something.”
He looked so eager I almost laughed. But I knew from his comments to my blog posts that he was terrified of coming out, and yet here he was. And he’d danced with me last night in front of all those kids. He reminded me so much of myself, the way I drew courage from Adam to do things I never would have considered before. Maybe I was his Adam. I couldn’t think about that right now. His eyes were doing this melty thing, and it made me nervous to think this cute kid was falling for me.
It’s just pizza, I told myself.
“Uh, sure,” I said. We made plans then shuffled around awkwardly until Mr. Ratliff stuck his head out and asked me for some help. I was only in Mr. Ratliff’s office for a moment when I heard the jangle of the bell. I looked up and saw Luke slipping out the door.
“You gonna tell me what happened?” Danial asked when I finished with Mr. Ratliff.
“With Luke?”
“Him too, but first, you talked to Adam. Well?”
I slammed the cash drawer. Danial’s eyebrows shot up. He watched me turn the page in the appointment book. “Next week?” I asked.
“This is just a crazy observation, but you seem kind of upset.”
“Okay, next week,” I said, starting to make a notation in the book. The pencil lead snapped. I tossed it aside and looked around the desk for another one. Where were all the damn pencils? Danial pulled one from his pocket and handed it to me.
“Thanks,” I mumbled. I started to make a notation.
“I already have a lesson scheduled for next week.”
I flipped the pencil over and scrubbed out the marks I’d just made, then tapped the pencil on the page, looking for something, anything that needed marking or erasing.
“Quit stalling,” Danial said. “What happened? You two break up?”
“Yeah, something like that.”
“No, you didn’t.”
I looked at him, and then I glanced at Mr. Ratliff in his office, then back at Danial. “Yeah, we did.”
His mouth dropped open, then snapped shut again. I handed him his pencil and went to the workroom. Danial picked up my drink from the counter and followed me.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,” he said, grabbing my arm.
“I didn’t talk to Adam. And I don’t want to talk to Adam. And I damn sure don’t want to talk about Adam.”
“Why?”
I looked at the gadgets hanging from the pegboard on the wall as if I might find an answer to that question dangling from a hook somewhere. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and opened my inbox and held it out to him. He took it and read the text. “So?”
“So?” I took the phone back and jamm
ed it in my pocket.
Danial rolled his eyes, which pissed me off because he didn’t know the whole story. So I told him about my “conversation” with Justin the night before.
Danial took a deep breath and blew it out. “He called repeatedly last night because he was worried about you. Doesn’t that count for something?”
“Yeah. He worries about me. Big fucking deal. He told that creep about me, Danial. And then that creep mocked me.”
“So, that’s it, huh?” Danial said. “You’re not even going to give Adam a chance to defend himself? You’re just going to take the word of some two-bit actor over—”
“Adam told me he was tired of defending himself to me. Tired of it. T-I-R-E-D. And you know what, whether he kissed Justin back or not, it doesn’t matter. He told him about what happened to me. Why would he do that? Huh? He knows how I feel about Justin. I’m just one big fucking joke in New York.”
“I think you both need to be committed.” He grabbed the phone out of my pocket before I knew what was happening and shoved it in my face. “Call him and fix this.”
I grabbed for the phone, but he tucked it behind his back. “Are you gonna call him?”
I dropped my head back and closed my eyes and focused on breathing. “It’s none of your business, Danial. Now give me the goddamn PHONE.”
He handed it over without another word. “Can we please talk about something else?” I said, shoving the phone back in my pocket with a trembling hand. I cast for something, anything. “What do you think about Luke? He wants to get together this evening for pizza.”
“Are you going?”
“Yeah. Why not?” I said, dully. “He could use some support.”
“Yeah. Well, I think he wants more than support from you.”
“And maybe he’ll get it.”
He seemed to think about that for a moment, then said, “Just be careful. The only person I know who is more vulnerable than that kid right now is you.”
I looked away and fought the burning in my nose.
He stood up, drank the rest of the latte, set the empty cup on the counter, and sighed heavily. “Want to get stoned later?”
I huffed. “I’ve got a date, remember?”
“Yeah. Stop by after if you want. My parents won’t be back until late.”
“Sure.”
“Where’s Juliet?”
“I wondered when you’d get around to asking.”
He sneered.
When Adam called again late that afternoon, I was only too happy to answer.
“Why didn’t you take my calls last night?” he asked without even a hello.
“I was on a date. Or did you forget?”
He sighed heavily and audibly into the phone. “Nate, I don’t want to fight with you.”
“Good. Because I don’t want to fight with you either. I have to change. I’m meeting someone for pizza.”
“Someone? Who?”
“Someone I met at the homecoming dance.”
He was quiet for a moment, then, “Is this some kind of date?”
I almost choked on the question. I took a deep breath. “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I guess we’ll just have to see what happens.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because I’m hungry.”
He ignored my sarcasm. “So, is this what you want? To see other guys? Or is this some kind of punishment because some guy kissed me or because I have a fucking tattoo on my neck?”
Oh, it’s for a reason much worse than a kiss or a fucking tattoo, Adam. But I didn’t tell him that. He knew what he’d done. Instead, as coldly as I could muster, I threw his words back at him. “It’s no big deal.”
“No big deal, huh? Great. Fine. You know what? Maybe we do need a break from each other. Maybe I’ll see you at Thanksgiving.”
Inside I was raging, but I answered him with a calm, “Yeah. Thanksgiving. Sure.”
Luke was already in a booth in a far corner, his back to the door. His table choice spoke volumes about where he was—that place between excitement about embracing his authentic self and being found out. His soda glass was empty when I got there. Since I was right on time, that meant Luke had gotten there at least ten or fifteen minutes early. I could see his leg jiggling under the table. He was nervous. Cute.
I stayed back and watched him for a minute, remembering other times I’d sat with Adam in that same booth. I mentally probed about for the pain I was sure would overtake me and send me running for the bathroom, clutching my stomach. But all I found was an emptiness. A profound emptiness that screamed to be filled.
I sucked in a deep breath and headed over to the table. “Hey,” I said, sliding in across from him. His face lit up immediately.
“Hey!” he said, sitting up straighter and smiling broadly. “You came. I mean, I wasn’t sure you’d really come because, you know. But, you came.”
I laughed. “A Coke, please,” I said to the waitress who’d approached our booth. “And I’m sure he’ll have another.” I gestured to Luke’s empty glass.
“Yes, please.” He grinned at her.
When she asked if we wanted to order, Luke said, “Have you ever tried their chicken fajita pizza?”
“Nope. But I’m game.” I looked back to the waitress. “A large, please.”
Luke beamed. Why did I feel like this was Christmas morning, and I was the big gift from Santa? I cleared my throat and leaned my elbows on the table. “Did you have fun at the homecoming dance last night?”
“I had a blast!” He glanced around quickly before he continued in a lower voice. “I’ve never danced with another guy before.”
I laughed again. “Was it everything you hoped it’d be?”
“Even better.”
I knew the feeling. I shook off the memories before they could take hold. It was Luke’s turn, and I wasn’t going to spoil it for him. “You know, everybody’s journey is different, but one thing I think I can say for sure, you won’t regret it.” At least, I hoped not, thinking briefly back to the older Qasimi brother. But Luke wasn’t Muslim, I told myself. But then, neither was I.
“I know you said you’re not with Danial. Does that mean you’re still with Adam?”
“How do you know about Adam?”
“You blogged about him. But you haven’t mentioned him much in the past few weeks. So, I mean, I was thinking you were with Danial, but if you aren’t, then are you still with—”
I cut him off. “We’ve decided to see other people.” I picked up the parmesan cheese shaker and shook some into my hand, then put a pinch in my mouth.
“You looked kinda sad when you said that.”
The waitress set our drinks on the table and told us our pizza would be right out.
I smiled at her, then looked at Luke. He had blue eyes, just like Adam’s, only lighter. And that wild blond hair. Again I felt the urge to reach over and brush it out of his eyes. He waited, a puzzled look on his face.
“Yeah,” I said finally. “It wasn’t one of the happier moments in my life.”
He nodded. “I’m really sorry.”
I looked at his serious expression and decided I wanted to see more of the happy Luke.
“Tell me about you. Other than reading my blog, what do you do with your time?”
“I play in the marching band.”
“A band geek?” I said, surprised.
His face darkened. “Just because we play in the band doesn’t mean we’re geeks.”
“Oh, no. No, no. I didn’t mean it that way.” I grinned at him. “I totally love the band. I would much rather have played with the band than play football.”
“You play football?”
“I quit right before my junior year. I never liked it. It was something my dad made me do in exchange for piano lessons. What do you play?”
“Clarinet.”
“That’s cool.”
“You want to come watch me play? We have a really awesome halftime performance. I think yo
u’d like it. We have a game next Friday night. It starts at seven. It’ll be the first time we do all three movements of our show performance. Can you come?” He was speaking fast, as if in speaking the words more slowly he might not get them all out before someone cut him off.
“Would you really want me to come?”
“Yeah. I mean ...” He seemed embarrassed. “Nobody knows, you know, but that’s okay.”
Yeah, right. I decided it was time for a reality check. “Luke, you can’t dance with me the way you did last night and not have people talk.”
“But, those other kids were dancing together too, and they’re not gay, are they?”
“No, they’re not gay. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be talk about them too. The difference is, those guys have nothing to hide, they have each other, and they just don’t care what other people say.”
“Are you saying that people are really going to know I’m ... you know?” He looked a little panicked, and when he took a sip of his soda, he sloshed a bit on his shirt.
I tried to give him an encouraging smile. “Would that really be so bad?”
“I don’t think I’m ready for this.”
“None of us are ever really ready.” I laughed. I reached across the table for his hand. He looked around nervously, pulled it away, and then put it in his lap. I withdrew my hand and took a sip of my soda.
He smiled apologetically. “How did you do it?”
“Come out?”
He nodded.
I smiled, thinking about how we’d inadvertently outed ourselves. “Adam and I, we couldn’t keep our eyes or our hands off each other. Juliet was the first to notice. She’s the redhead Danial danced with.”
“The one who told me where you worked. She seems nice.”
“She’s great. She really stood with us. Then we accidentally outed ourselves to Adam’s mom.”
“How?”
I grinned. “Let’s just say she caught us in a compromising position.”
“Were you, you know?”
Don't Let Me Go Page 20