Don't Let Me Go

by J. H. Trumble

  I wanted desperately to walk away from Luke, to get in my car, call Adam, and say what? Hey, you totally betrayed me to that creep, but I forgive you. No. The Adam I knew wasn’t coming back to me. This was Luke’s moment.

  I wrapped my arms more tightly around Luke, and he responded by pressing into me. He was moaning again, getting into it. Kissing him was pleasant enough, I guess, but I had a feeling he was enjoying it a bit more than I was. I could feel his growing excitement and pushed away.

  “No. Don’t stop,” he said, breathless, and attached himself to me again.

  I laughed a little. “Pace yourself, Luke,” I said and pushed him away again. I felt a stab in my heart remembering a time when Adam had said the same thing to me. I spun Luke around and hustled him into his car.

  He looked up at me with his big blue eyes melting in their sockets. “You’ll come Friday?”

  I smiled. “I’ll be there.”

  “Nate?”

  “Luke?”

  He smiled at that. “Do you believe in love at first sight?”

  I didn’t answer. Because I did. And this wasn’t it.

  I picked up my phone and lit up the screen, then set it back on the bathroom counter, then picked it up again, then put it down.

  I don’t know who I am without you anymore. I need to find out.

  That’s what I’d told him in Key West.

  It was only half true. I didn’t need to find out. I didn’t want to find out. He had to have known that. But I guess I had anyway. In fact, I guess we’d both learned a few things—about who we were, about what we wanted. I wondered if he felt free finally. I wondered what he’d see when he looked in the mirror tonight. I know I didn’t much like the person I saw. Mirror, mirror, on the wall... I closed my eyes and grimaced at the images running through my mind. Me kissing Danial. Me kissing Luke. They were like pictures I drew as a kid. All the parts were there, but they weren’t art. They weren’t beautiful. Kissing Adam. That was beautiful. Did he think so anymore?

  My hand found its way to the leather strap around my neck. I held it for a moment, and then fished out the pendant and slipped the strap from around my neck and stared at the engraving on the back. I ran my thumb along each letter, spelling out his name forward and backward, forward and backward, forward and backward. Then I clutched the pendant tightly in my fist, feeling it bite into my palm, and without looking at it again, I stuffed it in the back of a drawer.

  Then I took off his earring. I held it in the palm of my hand and rolled it around with my finger, allowing my heart the luxury of shattering one last time.

  They took my earrings.

  He’d lifted himself from my hospital bed just long enough to remove one of his studs, and then slipped it into my own ear. It looks good on you.

  Maybe he could pretend we never happened, but I couldn’t. I stuck the earring back in my ear.

  Chapter 41

  I didn’t go to the game Friday. I stayed home, in my room, alone, wallowing in my hurt. When I bumped into Luke in the hallway Monday morning, he looked so disappointed that I bought him a soda after school. I didn’t have the heart to stand him up again the next Friday. I brought Danial with me.

  I hadn’t been to a football game since I played varsity my sophomore year, hadn’t wanted to go, but I’d promised Luke. When we got there, the band was already in the stands warming up the crowd with “The Horse.” Luke was easy to spot, standing at least half a head taller than the other kids in his section. I pointed him out to Danial as we made our way past the seats several rows back.

  “He plays clarinet?” Danial said. “Jeez, why doesn’t he just wear a sign?”

  “Knock it off.”

  He laughed. “They look like toy soldiers, don’t they?”

  “It’s kinda cute.”

  Danial nudged me in the back. “Of course, you would think so.”

  I rolled my eyes and sat down.

  Now that I didn’t actually have to play the game, I was surprised to find that I was looking forward to watching it. I scanned the field for familiar numbers. When the players removed their helmets for the national anthem, I noticed a lot of new faces, but I picked out Liam and Brett and a couple other guys I used to hang out with before I became the school homo. We hadn’t exchanged two words since that day in the cafeteria when they made it clear our friendship was O-V-E-R. That was F-I-N-E with me. Real friendship was never something I’d had with them. Real friendship was sitting on the bleachers next to me.

  After the school song, the drums struck up a cadence I remembered from my team days. I looked over at Luke as the players lined up for the kickoff. The kids, with the exception of the drummers, were doing this head banging thing that reminded me of Beavis and Butt-head doing Judas Priest—Breaking the law, breaking the law. He had one arm draped over the shoulder of the girl to his left. The guy to his right had his arm over Luke’s shoulder. And they all had one rock hand in the air. Luke had just enough hair to make it fly. “Looks like fun,” I said to Danial.

  He looked at me and raised his brows.

  “Oh, lighten up, Qasimi.”

  When the band was done breaking the law, Luke stretched to see over the heads of the other kids (he didn’t have to stretch much) and looked around. I assumed for me. Someone caught his attention a few rows in front of us. I followed his eyes to a woman with the same straight blond hair holding a camera. She snapped Luke’s picture and waved to him. Then she sat next to a stocky man in a white button-up shirt. His hair matched his face—gray. On the other side of the woman was a younger version of Luke, but with glasses. He was absorbed in a video game on a handheld system and looked like he couldn’t have cared less about the game or the band.

  Luke continued his search. When he found me, he broke into a wide grin and punched his clarinet in the air. I smiled back and shook my head.

  “He’s got it bad for you,” Danial said.

  “Maybe I’ve got it bad for him too.”

  “Right. You got it bad all right, but not for him. You’re gonna break that kid’s heart one day. You know that, don’t you?”

  I winced. “Why does everything have to be so serious? I like him. We had fun together.”

  “He looks at you like you’re the fucking messiah. Haven’t you noticed?”

  Of course I had. “I can’t help that. I’m the only other gay person he knows. He doesn’t even know what it’s like to be gay.”

  “So, what, you’re teaching him?”

  “No. Of course not.”

  He looked at me. “You’re lying. Please tell me you have not had sex with that kid.”

  “Oh, come on,” I said, shocked at the thought. “You know me better than that. I hardly know him. We ate pizza, we talked, I kissed him. Okay? That was it.”

  Danial groaned. “If I’d known you needed to be kissed that damn bad, I’d have kissed you back that night.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I didn’t do it for myself.”

  “Oh, what, now you’re making out with some kid as a public service? You got some kind of martyr complex? That’s even worse. He’s pretty vulnerable right now, you know. Don’t fuck with his head.”

  “I’m not fucking with his head. I won’t hurt him.”

  “You won’t be able to stop it.” He paused a moment. “You know what that’s like. Dammit, Nate. You’re just as vulnerable as he is right now. Why don’t you just give it a rest for a while? Get your head together. Leave this kid alone.”

  Danial didn’t know what he was talking about. Luke needed me. And I planned to be there for him. I could live only one day at a time.

  A couple of people were headed up the row toward us. “Don’t let anyone have that seat,” I said to Danial.

  “Why?”

  “Juliet’s coming as soon as she’s done with dress rehearsal.”

  His eyes lit up. “Why didn’t you tell me? I would have showered or something.”

  “Oh, please. You always smell amazing.”

&n
bsp; He grinned. “You are so gay.”

  “Yes, I am.”

  The teams were evenly matched and it looked like the game might be a close one. Jeff Bowers was quarterbacking. Early in the second quarter, he snatched the ball and fell back, looking for a receiver. Liam opened up and we all stood just as he caught the ball at the twenty before the cornerback could take him out.

  “Do you miss it?” Danial asked when we sat back down.

  “Nope.”

  Coach Carr called a time-out. I stretched out my legs and looked over at Luke. He was looking back at me and grinned when my eyes met his. The girl next to him nudged him and he turned back to the front. Beside me, Danial checked his watch again. I cleared my throat.

  “What?” he said.

  The crowd was suddenly on their feet and screaming. I stood and looked down the field. The referee had his arms straight in the air. Touchdown. I’d missed it. The band launched into the school fight song and suddenly Juliet’s arms were around my waist. Surprised, I twisted around to give her a hug. “Hey, gorgeous,” she said, squeezing me a little tighter and a little longer than was appropriate for a friendly, platonic greeting. But then, we had a history. And then she was done with me. “Hey, dance partner!” She slipped her arms around Danial’s neck and hugged him too. He looked at me over her shoulder. I raised my eyebrows.

  He moved down a seat so Juliet could sit between us. “So, you want to tell me why we’re here at a football game?”

  The band was filing into the aisles and heading down to the field for their halftime performance. I knew Luke was facing our way and would be watching us. I flicked the briefest glance his way. Juliet followed the direction of my eyes and saw Luke smiling at me like he was about to detonate from sheer happiness.

  Juliet looked back at me. “Nate?”

  I looked at her but quickly cast my eyes down out of guilt.

  “What’s going on?

  When I didn’t answer, she looked over at Danial. He shrugged.

  I glanced back up at Luke. He was just stepping into the aisle. His smile was gone and he looked worried. I smiled encouragingly at him and watched the relief spread across his features. He smiled back. He cast a glance toward his parents. His mom gave him a thumbs-up; his dad was staring at his iPhone. Then Luke turned and bounded down the steps toward the field.

  I leaned forward and planted my elbows on my knees and watched the kickoff, but I could feel Juliet’s eyes on me.

  “Shit,” she said after another moment. “That explains the text Adam sent me.”

  My eyes snapped up to hers.

  “He asked me to keep an eye on you. But when I called him back, he wouldn’t say anything more.” She paused a moment. I could see in her eyes the gears turning and locking into place. “That’s the kid you were dancing with at homecoming. What’s going on? You’re not ...”

  I thought about denying it, but it was just a matter of time—perhaps seconds—before she figured it out anyway. “We’re, uh, dating, I guess, sort of.”

  “Come again? Because I just thought I heard you say you’re dating that kid.”

  “We broke up, Jules. It’s over.”

  Her eyes bugged out of her head.

  I closed my eyes, forcing myself to breathe. “I don’t—can we talk about this later?” I leaned over her to Danial. “I’m gonna go get us some sodas.” I squeezed Juliet’s hand and fled down the stairs to the concession area.

  I walked around awhile before I got the drinks, my hands stuffed deep in my pockets, my thoughts whirling around in my head. I wasn’t sure if I felt good that Adam was still worrying about me, or irritated that he still thought I needed looking after. I chose irritated; it was easier that way. Needy Nate. Needy fucked-up Nate. I laughed humorlessly to myself. My nose burned, and I blinked back the tears pooling in my eyes.

  Suddenly Luke was in front of me, a plume sticking out of the top of his hat that hadn’t been there when he left the stands. “What are you doing here?” I said, pretending my eyes weren’t wet. “Aren’t you supposed to be on the field?”

  “I have to go to the bathroom. Are you okay? What are you doing here?”

  “I’m fine. I just came down to get some drinks.” I blinked a few times, then gave up trying to pretend I hadn’t been crying and dragged a sleeve across my eyes.

  Luke politely pretended not to notice. “Here. Hold this for me.” He handed me his clarinet and tugged off his gloves, handing those to me also. Then his hat. His hair was stuffed up into a stretchy sheer black cap. Then he turned. “I need you to unzip me.”

  I tugged down the zipper on the back of his jacket, wondering if he planned to strip down right there in front of everyone. He tugged off his jacket and handed that over too. The black pants he wore were actually black overalls. Underneath the overalls he wore a blue WPHS band T-shirt. “I gotta hurry. Do you want to come with me?”

  “Uh, no.” I laughed, feeling a little better.

  He winked. “I’ll be right back.”

  I watched him go, his tall, lean frame looking pretty darn cute in his uniform.

  I hardly had time to squeak a note out on his instrument before he was back again. I helped him back into his jacket, then handed over, one by one, his gloves, then his hat, then his clarinet. “How do I look?” he asked when he was finally dressed.

  “Like a toy soldier.”

  He smiled. “Then I guess I did it right.” He started to leave, then turned back. “You’ll pick me up at the band hall after the game?”

  “I’ll be there.”

  He beamed, then hurried away.

  I had drinks and popcorn and was back at my seat just as the band took the field. Danial and Juliet were deep in conversation when I stepped into our row. Immediately the conversation came to an end, and I knew they’d been talking about me. I sat back and scoured the band, trying to spot Luke. It was impossible. They all looked alike. I gave up and relaxed, enjoying the music. They were really good, I thought. A jazzy band with lots of quick stepping and dancing around. It actually looked like something I might have enjoyed if I hadn’t wasted all those years pretending to be some kind of football stud.

  Juliet kept stealing little looks at me, so when the performance was over and the band marched off the field to a drum tap, I looked over at her. “All right. Let’s hear it.”

  She put her drink on the ground and folded her arms tightly across her chest. “I can’t believe how stupid you are both being. If there were ever two people in this world who were meant for each other, it’s the two of you. Get on the phone with him.” She dug in my pocket and pulled out my phone and handed it to me. “Work this out. This is insane. I cannot stand the thought of the two of you apart. I could kick you both.” Then she growled at me, causing Danial’s eyebrows to go up in surprise.

  I took my phone, and as calmly as I could, stuck it back in my pocket. “There’s nothing to talk about, Jules. It’s over.”

  “Bullshit.” I didn’t respond. She looked to Danial for backup. He just gave his head a miniscule shake. She looked back at me, biting her lip, then wrapped her arms around me. I was aware of people around us looking. “Jules,” I whispered. “Please don’t do this. I’m begging you, okay. Let it go.”

  She sniffed in my ear and pulled away, brushing a tear from her cheek with her little finger. I struggled not to cry again. The band was filing back into the stands, so I focused on locating Luke. I spotted him at the bottom of the steps. His hat was off. He tugged off the sheer cap and shook out his shaggy blond hair. His cheeks were flushed. He winked at me when he got to his row. I watched as he stripped down to his overalls and hoped I wasn’t making a mistake.

  I leaned against the car in the dark lane behind the school and watched Luke bounce out of the band hall with a couple of the other players. He searched the row of cars and waved when he saw me. He slapped one of the guys on the back, then jogged out to meet me.

  “Hi,” he said, breathless. I wasn’t sure if it was the jog
or me making him pant.

  “All ready?” I asked.

  “Yeah.”

  We stowed his stuff in the trunk and got in. I turned the key in the ignition, but he placed his hand on mine before I could shift into drive. “Wait,” he said, watching out the window. He waited while a couple of kids passed by our car, then scrambled over the console, grabbed my face between his hands, and crushed his lips on mine. “I’ve been waiting almost two weeks to do that again,” he said when he finally pulled away. He settled back into his seat. “Okay. I think I’m good now.”

  I scratched my head, still a little stunned. “Okay, then.”

  I noticed the grasshopper climbing up the inside of the windshield just as I pulled onto the street. I hoped Luke wouldn’t notice, remembering what he’d said about being afraid of bugs. As he chatted away about the performance, I watched the grasshopper climb higher up the windshield and closer to Luke. Technically, grasshoppers weren’t bugs, but I didn’t think Luke was the kind to fuss over that distinction. It had spiny legs, an exoskeleton. It was a bug. I was approaching a traffic light thinking how I was going to deal with his bug phobia if it came to that when his eyes landed on the bug/not-bug and he screamed and started pawing at his seat belt latch, trying desperately to unlock it and then, succeeding, proceeded to scrambled over the console and into the back.

  “Jeez, calm down.” I said. “It’s just a grasshopper. I’ll get it. Calm down.”

  I pulled to a stop at the light and rolled down my window. Then I took the car manual from the storage compartment, and trying not to laugh at Luke halfway in the backseat now and gasping, I brushed the grasshopper onto it. It was one of those big yellow and brown flying grasshoppers. I’d collected them in boxes when I was a kid, like they were pets.

  “Come on, little fellow,” I said, carefully carrying him on his magic manual carpet to the window, where I tossed him out. I never actually saw him fall out the window, but I was pretty sure he did.