I rolled up my window and looked back at Luke and laughed. “Boy, you weren’t kidding about being afraid of bugs.”
“They creep me out,” he said, still looking nervously around the car as if he expected an entire swarm to materialize any second. He settled back into his seat and snapped the seat belt into place.
The light turned green and I pulled into the intersection. And that’s when I felt its spiny legs on my neck. I screamed and Luke screamed. I brushed frantically at my neck and Luke huddled up against the car door, whimpering. I managed to get the car on the shoulder of the road and jumped out. The poor grasshopper flew away, and my screaming gave way to hysterical laughter. I flopped back into the car and slammed the door. My sides ached from laughing. Then Luke was laughing too, albeit a little shakily. “Dammit,” I said. “That scared me half to death.”
“Me too. I think I peed my pants.”
I said, “Seriously?” because, I mean, he had to be kidding.
“Uh, yeah. Seriously.”
I buckled my seat belt and smiled. “You’re lying.”
“Not lying,” he said sheepishly.
I cast a sideways glance at him and he indicated the wet spot on the front of his shorts. I don’t know why I found that so endearing.
Luke’s parents had gone out to dinner after the game and the house was empty, so I came in and looked around his room while he took a quick shower. If I’d had any doubt whatsoever about his geek quotient, it was gone now. His room was like a shrine to the god of marching bands. He had trophies on his shelf dating back five or six years—WISD Freshman Honor Band, Fifth Grade Concert Band, Third Chair Region Band. I laughed at one that read “Most Likely to Drive Band Directors Crazy.” That was Luke. Above his headboard was a poster of the University of Texas Longhorn Band. The picture was a close-up of a trombone player in the ugliest uniform I’d ever seen—a suit like the Lone Ranger might have worn on a date if Howdy Doody had dressed him. It was just all kinds of wrong—orange, with white fringe across the shoulders and bric-a-brac running down the length of the pant legs, a white cowboy hat, white shoes. Next to that poster was the front line of the Fightin’ Texas Aggie Band. I liked the knee boots, but the overall military thing just didn’t do it for me. I pegged Luke as more of a bric-a-brac guy.
I was fingering through some music on a music stand in the corner when he came back into the room and slipped his arms around me from behind. He was warm and still damp from the shower. He laid his wet head on my shoulder.
I hugged his arms to me. “You’re getting my shirt wet.”
“Wet T-shirt. I like the sound of that.”
I rolled my eyes at him over my shoulder.
“Do you want to see me naked?” he breathed in my ear.
Okay. This was happening way too fast. I twisted around in his arms and thanked God he was still wearing a towel around his waist.
He reached for his towel, but I caught his hands in mine.
“I know this is all really exciting, Luke, but don’t be in such a hurry to experience it all.”
“Why not?”
Because you’re sixteen. Because your parents could come home at any second and kill me. Because I love someone else.
“Just don’t. Okay?”
“Did you feel crazy like this with your first boyfriend?”
I winced. Then I realized, just like that, I had become Luke’s de facto boyfriend. There was no more Adam and Nate. There was just Nate and Luke, whether I liked it or not. Whether I wanted it or not. Whether I could stand it or not. It was what it was, and no amount of heartbreak on my part could change that. I held Luke to me for a moment and breathed in the clean peppermint smell on his skin, then went and waited in the car.
Chapter 42
Luke wanted to go to Market Street and hang out outside Starbucks where a lot of the band kids were getting together.
“We can’t hold hands or anything, though. I mean, you know. They just ... they wouldn’t ...”
“I understand,” I assured him. “Coming out is a really personal decision, Luke.” I pulled up at a red light and look over at him. “You’ll do it when you’re ready. I’m cool with that. Around other people, we’re just a couple of guys hanging out.” I play punched him in the shoulder.
“You’re not mad?”
“No, I am most definitely not mad.”
Relieved maybe. But mad, no. Not even a little.
But I was worried that Luke was playing with fire, and he was going to get burned.
The light changed and I turned onto Market Street. “You know, Luke, I am out. Your friends, at least some of them, are gonna know I’m gay. And they’re gonna guess you are too.”
He looked out the window at the crowds already gathering and thought about that for a minute. “Call your friend Danial.”
“Danial?”
“Yeah. Make him come too.” He turned to me, excited now. “They already think you’re a couple. Then we could be together, but it would look like you’re with Danial.”
I struggled to wrap my brain around that. So I was going to act like the straight guy was my boyfriend, and the gay guy wasn’t. That was just stupid enough that it might work.
I told Luke I didn’t know if he’d do it, but of course I knew he would. He was my self-appointed bodyguard, a role he took almost too seriously. By association, he’d become Luke’s too. That, and I think he just liked to watch me squirm. I was sure he’d arrange to shock the band nerds with our “gayness.” Oh well, I didn’t go through everything I’d gone through to be a shrinking violet now. We circle around Market Street and headed back to Danial’s. I called on the way.
I found a spot in the parking garage and pulled in. Danial got out of the back. Just as I reached to pull my door handle, Luke grabbed my arm. He ducked down and glanced out my window at Danial then back at me. “Will you kiss me before we go?” he said in a low voice. “A really good one. One that will last me at least a couple of hours?”
I laughed. “I don’t know if you’re incorrigible or just insatiable. But come here.” I pulled him to me and kissed him, and kept kissing him, letting him be the one to pull away. It occurred to me somewhere between the kissing and the kept kissing that Danial was right. I was performing a public service. I decided then and there that if that’s the way it was, then I’d perform a damn good public service. Luke deserved that at least.
“Dayum,” he said, breathless. He reached down to adjust himself, looking a little embarrassed.
I laughed. “I’m glad you enjoyed it. Come on. My boyfriend is getting impatient.”
Luke ducked down and looked out the window at Danial again. “Are you sure he’s not gay?”
“Yep. I’m pretty sure.”
Danial held the door for me as I got out. “I think I just threw up a little in my mouth,” he said in a low voice, a disgusted look on his face.
“Maybe you should try it sometime.”
“Uh, pass.”
I laughed and pinched his cheek.
Kids were sitting at small tables and spilling out into the alley outside Starbucks as we approached. I could see that Luke was nervous. He’d pulled a baseball cap on as we got out of the car and he kept adjusting it and readjusting it.
“Take it easy, Luke. It’s gonna be okay.”
“Yeah. I know,” he said, his voice betraying his anxiety. “Maybe you could hold hands or something so, you know, they’ll know you’re together.”
“Yeah, Nate, maybe we should hold hands ... or something.”
“Don’t encourage him, Luke,” I said.
Danial grinned and grabbed my hand.
Luke looked at our hands and frowned. “You don’t have to look so happy about it,” he said to Danial, his voice tight.
“Can’t have it both ways, Lukey,” Danial said. He let go of my hand and flung his arm over my shoulder, pulling me to him.
“He’s just trying to torment you, Luke. Ignore him.”
Luke glared at
Danial. “Don’t try anything.”
Danial held up two fingers on his free hand. “Scout’s honor,” he said, with a mock straight face. When Luke looked way, Danial dropped his arm from around my shoulder and pinched my ass.
I looked at him and rolled my eyes. Luke shot a look back at him, and Danial shrugged.
“There are some of the guys,” Luke said, pointing.
We followed him through the crowd, drawing some stares. Most of the kids had seen me with Danial or with Adam before and only registered mild surprise.
“This isn’t going to work,” Danial said in my ear. “You know that, don’t you? I mean, he’s not fooling anybody. How’s he going to explain hanging out with a couple of gay guys?”
Danial was right, of course, but I wasn’t sure there was much else to do but let the train wreck happen and then try to clean up the twisted metal afterward. It was just a matter of time anyway. Luke had already gotten a taste of living an authentic life. He wasn’t going to settle for less much longer. I wasn’t too worried about the kids here. They’d get used to it soon enough, and Luke seemed pretty resilient.
It was the parents. You could never be absolutely certain how they’d respond. If they flipped out, they could damage his spirit irreparably, not to mention his very existence. The only thing I knew for absolute certain right then was that whatever happened, Danial and I would be there for him.
Luke stepped into a circle of friends and stuck his hands in his pockets. He glanced back at us and seemed a little uncertain what to do.
“Let’s get a cappuccino,” Danial said.
I winked at Luke and followed Danial inside. “How can you drink that stuff? It’ll put hair on your chest.”
He hooked a finger into the V at the top of my shirt and pulled it out, pretending to look down at my chest. “Then maybe you need to drink more.”
I started to sneer, but then snorted a laugh. “Make mine a latte, caveman. And you’re buying. You owe me anyway.”
He ordered.
“Should we get one for Luke?” I asked before the barista could get away.
“Maybe we should just stick a sandwich board on him—I play with boys.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
We got our drinks and went back out to the alley. Luke was watching and snaked through the crowd to get to us. “Did you bring me something?”
I shot Danial a look and handed him my drink. “Latte?”
“Great. Where’s yours?”
“I didn’t want anything.”
“We can share.”
I smiled. “Sure.”
He took a sip then handed me back his / my drink. “Hold this. I’ll be right back. I gotta pee.”
Danial stepped on my toe as I took the drink.
“Oh good Lord,” he said after Luke was out of hearing range. “Being gay is the least of that boy’s problems.”
“Give him a break. He’s just nervous. I was a basket case when I came out.”
“But he’s not coming out. At least, not intentionally. Do you see how gay he’s acting?” Danial said.
“He is gay, but yeah, I know what you mean. He’s a little nerdy, a little naïve, but that’s part of his charm.” I grabbed his cappuccino and took a sip. “Ugh. That’s nasty.” I shook my head and handed it back, then pretended to check for any new sprouting hairs on my chest.
Danial laughed.
I got rid of the taste with Luke’s / my latte. “Why don’t you go talk to him,” I said.
“Me?”
“Yeah. You’re like the Rosetta Stone of gay-straight relations. You can explain it to him from a straight guy’s perspective.”
He palmed the back of his neck and gave a heavy sigh.
I walked around and watched the crowd while I waited. Market Street was actually a long oval, bracketed on one end by an H-E-B Market and on the other end by an indoor mall. In between were restaurants, shops, a movie theater, and a bookstore, all anchored by a park green in the center and made somewhat urban with benches and a fountain. The park was just around the corner from Starbucks, so I wandered over. Some older kids were tossing around a Frisbee. Three younger ones were playing in the fountain while their parents watched from a nearby bench. They looked so carefree, so innocent, so happy, so not me.
“Nate?”
My head snapped around at the familiar voice.
“It is you.” Adam’s mom gave me a kiss on the cheek. “We’ve missed you.”
I hadn’t seen his mom and stepdad since I’d picked up my phone after taking Adam to the airport two months earlier. Had it really been only two months? Seeing them now was like stepping into a time warp. I felt disoriented.
Ben reached out to shake my hand. For a moment I just looked at it, not sure what do. Then I clasped his hand and let him pull me in for a hug. “What are you doing out here?” I said. My voice sounded rough, like I hadn’t used it in a while.
“We just got out of the movie theater. Date night.” She smiled at her husband.
“Uh, great. How’s Mea?” Keep it simple.
“Oh, you know Mea. More precocious than any seven-year-old has a right to be.”
I smiled, not sure what else to say.
Mrs. Jefferies—no, it was Jensen now—just looked at me, a pained expression fleeting across her face. I looked down at my feet and dug the toe of my shoe into the sidewalk. “Honey,” she said to her husband, “do you mind if I talk to Nate alone for a minute?
“Come on, let’s sit down,” she said. The benches were all taken, so we sat on a concrete wall that ringed the fountain. She studied my face while I studied my shoe, then she took my hand and dipped her head to capture my eyes with her own. It was hard, but I looked at her.
“How’ve you been?” she asked softly.
“Okay,” I answered, my voice noncommittal but still rough. I cleared my throat.
She nodded her head and tried again. “I don’t know what’s happened between you and Adam. I know something has happened, but he won’t tell us what.”
I nodded but didn’t offer anything more.
She wrapped her other hand around mine as well. “You know we think of you as our son. And you know you can talk to us about anything, don’t you?”
From the corner of my eye, I saw Danial and Luke approaching. Shit, shit, shit, shit. “I know,” I said, trying to remain calm. “Thanks.” I looked back at her and forced a small smile.
“Hi,” Luke said, drawing up in front of us, Danial just steps behind him.
I stood up, then almost sat back down when my knees acted like the hinges that held the top part of my leg to the bottom had broken. “Mrs. Jefferies, I want you to meet some friends of mine. This is Luke Chesser and Danial Qasimi.”
I realized too late that I’d screwed up her name again, but she didn’t correct me. Instead, she shook their hands as I introduced them. “Danial, Adam’s told me about you.”
Before Danial could respond, Luke cut in. “You’re Adam’s mom?” He took a step closer to me and slipped his hand in mine. Suddenly that seemed to be all anyone could look at—those two hands, his and mine, clasped together, guy skin touching guy skin, not Adam’s skin, but Luke’s skin touching Nate’s skin.
Part of me was glad—now Adam would know what it’s like to have someone you love move on, assuming he still loved me, which, to be honest, wasn’t really clear anymore. But part of me was screaming, No, this is too final.
Don’t tell Adam. Please don’t tell Adam.
It had to be mere seconds but seemed much longer before Mrs. Jefferies—Jensen—overcame her shock. She squeezed my arm and smiled sadly. “I better go.” She kissed me on the cheek again, nodded her head to Danial and Luke, and left.
I dropped Luke’s hand and walked away in the opposite direction.
Luke followed me. I knew he would. I stuck my hands in my pockets. He fell into step beside me and we walked, not speaking for a while.
“Nate?” he said hesitantly.
I looked up at the night sky. There were so many streetlights on Market Street that it was hard to make out many stars. I tried to recapture that feeling I had in Danial’s backyard of time being so short and problems so insignificant in the greater universe. Why couldn’t I just be happy in the now?
“Did I do something wrong?” Luke asked.
I pulled my hand from my pocket and entwined my fingers with his. Despite all the people standing around, he didn’t pull away. I glanced at him. His face was a mixture of worry and relief. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” I said finally.
“You still care about him, don’t you?”
I winced. “Why do you say that?”
“Because every time someone says his name, you look like—like you’re in physical pain.”
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t.
“He really hurt you, didn’t he?” Luke continued.
I drew in a shuddering breath and struggled to maintain control, but seeing Adam’s parents had been too much. I rubbed at my eyes with the heel of my hand.
“Oh, Nate,” Luke said with such tenderness that I broke down. He pulled me over to a dark corner of the street and we sat on the curb, his arms around me, my face planted against his shoulder.
He murmured to me over and over. “I love you, Nate. I won’t ever hurt you. It’s okay.”
After a while I was able to get control. I wiped my eyes with the neck of my T-shirt and sniffed. “I think some of your friends saw you holding my hand.”
“Doesn’t matter. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
I fixed my eyes on his. “That’s really sweet.”
He smiled. “Danial told me people were talking, but I didn’t believe him. Then some kid said something to me, and Danial got all in his face and called him an ignorant jerk and told him if he ever heard him or even heard about him talking to or about me like that again, he’d kick his ignorant homophobic ass all over Texas.”
“That’s Danial, all right.” I laughed, then felt another tear roll down my cheek.
“He’s pretty cool.”
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