Don't Let Me Go

by J. H. Trumble

  “I could ask you the same thing. Did you bring him home with you? Is that it? Is he out waiting in the car? Bring him in. We can have a big ol’ fucking gay party right here.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  I had had enough of these stupid games. I struggled to get my cell phone out of my pocket, then scanned through my text inbox until I found his errant text and shoved the phone in his face. “This is what I’m talking about.”

  He took the phone and studied the screen.

  “You should be more careful before you press Send.”

  He looked confused for a moment, then met my eyes. “Is that what this is all about? A stupid text?”

  “Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” I sneered. “I talked to Justin.”

  “What do you mean, you talked to Justin? What are you talking about?”

  “The night of the homecoming dance. Surely you remember that night, Adam. Did you feel the earth move beneath you? Because apparently your boyfriend did.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Nate, but you’re about to piss me off.”

  I laughed. “I’m about to piss you off? Oh, that’s good.” Just as quickly as it came, the laughter went. “Don’t you dare talk to me like I’m stupid. I Skyped you. You seem to be a little technology challenged these days. You left your computer on. And your boyfriend was all too happy to have a little chat with me.”

  “What did he say to you?”

  “Plenty.” I looked back at the patio and found Luke. He looked like he wanted to kill Adam, rip his throat out, and I would gladly have let him, but Danial kept a hand on his arm, talking to him.

  Adam watched me watch Luke, then repeated his question: “Nate, what did he say to you?”

  I swallowed hard and willed myself not to cry before I turned back. “I trusted you, Adam, with everything. My heart, my body, my secrets. I believed in you. He told me about the two of you.”

  “He lied.”

  “And then he told me about me.” I let that sink in a moment. “He couldn’t have known the things he knew if you hadn’t told him. And then he laughed at me. It was like he shot me right through the heart, and you gave him the bullet.”

  “I didn’t, Nate. I swear to you.”

  “I can never forgive you for that.” I turned to leave, but he grabbed my arm.

  “Baby—”

  I whipped back around and got in his face. “Don’t you EVER call me that again.”

  He looked down at my clenched fists. “You want to hit me, Nate, then hit me, beat the crap out of me if it makes you feel better, but you are going to listen to me. That text—”

  “I don’t want to hear it.”

  “Well, you’re gonna hear it. Just STOP for a goddamn minute.”

  “So you can lie to me again?”

  He sighed heavily. “Nate, I have never, not once, lied to you. Never. Please, just hear me out. And then if you want to walk away, God help me, I’ll let you go.”

  When I hesitated, he said quietly, “What do you have to lose, Nate?”

  I didn’t answer, but I didn’t leave either.

  He took a deep breath and let it out in one huff. “I can’t even believe I have to say this, but there is nothing going on between me and any of my roommates, not now, not ever. You are the only one I love, the only one I want to love. Have a little faith in me, Nate.”

  “You kissed him.”

  “He kissed me. It’s a game for him. After that last night the power went out, I completely swore off drinking. I wasn’t about to ever let that happen again.” He tugged down his turtleneck. Wicked still marked him, but the skin around it was red, the ink slightly faded. “Laser removal. Two treatments. It’ll take another three or four, but it’ll be gone, completely.”

  “He knew—”

  “I don’t know how he knew. Yes, I have talked about you, to Alec, not to Justin. If you want to hate me, hate me for that. But things had been so bad between us. Alec’s been through some rough times himself, and he’s a good listener. He’s on your side, Nate, on our side. I guess Justin overheard us.”

  “The text—”

  “The text. It was meant for Alec. I was hurt and upset and angry when you wouldn’t take my calls that night. We walked the streets of the city well into the morning hours and just talked. He convinced me that there was a lot of subtext in your words, things you were feeling, but not saying. He reminded me of how much you’ve been through, and how if you seemed needy it was—”

  “Needy? NEEDY? No. No. Don’t you dare tell me you came back because you feel sorry for me.”

  “I don’t feel sorry for you. I’ve never felt sorry for you.” He paused and seemed to grapple for words. “I didn’t come back for you. I came back for me.”

  I closed my eyes and focused on breathing. I could feel him move in closer, and then his hand touched my ear.

  “You’re still wearing my earring,” he said softly.

  I couldn’t help myself. His hand touching me. I pressed my wet cheek into his fist and felt that spark of hope ignite.

  “This is not over between us, Nate. I could see it in your face when you first saw me tonight. I can see it in the tears in your eyes. God, how did we let this happen?” He pulled me to him and I went. “We’re two parts of a whole,” he whispered in my ear. “The yin and the yang. How could you have ever doubted that?” He sniffed and tightened his hold on me, and after a moment, I clasped him back and felt my breath catch in my throat. “Come home with me. There’s so much more we need to talk about. Heart-to-heart, face-to-face, just me and you.”

  Just me and you. No, not just me and you. “Luke.” I pulled away from him and looked anxiously around the patio. A few kids remained and the music played on, but Luke was gone. So were Danial and Juliet.

  “It doesn’t matter what you’ve done,” he said, clearly misunderstanding. “All that matters is that you’re here with me now. I don’t care about anything that happened before. I don’t care about Luke.”

  I looked back at him, my heart in my throat, and took a few steps back. “I care.”

  “Nate, don’t.”

  I held my arms out, then let them drop limply to my sides and shook my head, vaguely aware that I was crying openly now. “I can’t. Luke doesn’t deserve this. He’s was there for me when you weren’t.” I looked back at the door, then back to Adam and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

  His face fell and he looked away.

  Chapter 46

  “Where is he?”

  The conversation around us ground to an awkward stop. For once, I didn’t care. Juliet took in my face, and when it looked like she wasn’t going to tell me, I put a little force behind my words: “Where is he?”

  “Danial took him to his house,” she said quietly. She glanced over my shoulder, and I knew Adam had come in the back door. I could see the apology in her expression. I brushed past her, and she grabbed my arm. “You can’t do this, Nate.”

  I lifted my eyes to Adam and tried to convey all my regrets in those few brief seconds. When I spoke to Juliet again, it was with a voice heavy with emotion. “I can’t not do this, Jules.”

  I barely saw the road as I made my way to Danial’s.

  No one answered the door. I found them in the backyard, Danial stretched out on the ground, looking up at the sky and smoking a joint, farther out in the yard, Luke with his eye pressed to the telescope eyepiece.

  I sat next to Danial and took the joint, careful to inhale slowly. “How is he?”

  Danial propped himself up on his elbows and watched Luke for a moment. “He’s okay.” He took the joint back from me and sucked in deeply, then blew out the smoke and studied me.

  “Why are you here?”

  I didn’t respond.

  He huffed. “Let him go, Nate. You can’t choose who you fall in love with. You just do. And I know you’re trying to be noble and all, but you’re not doing Luke any favors by leading him on. You know he’s not the one.”
He paused for a moment. “He knows that too.”

  I felt the tears well up in my eyes again and wondered when I’d become such a crybaby. I hadn’t come here to let Luke go. I hadn’t even considered it. And now it seemed a foregone decision. “I never meant to hurt him.”

  “He knows that.”

  I looked at Danial.

  “We talked,” he said.

  I took the joint and another drag, then handed it back to him. “You have to hate me right now.”

  “I don’t hate you, Nate. And Luke, he doesn’t hate you either. But I promise, if you continue this farce—and it is a farce; I know that, and you know that—one day you’re going to wake up and you’re going to hate him. You think he’s hurting now? You do that to him and I will kick your gay ass all over this county. We both saw what went on between you and Adam tonight.” He laughed a little. “The whole world saw.”

  “I want you to meet him.”

  He looked at me for a moment, then looked back at Luke. “Luke’s not the only one losing you tonight.” He took another drag and handed the joint back to me.

  “Nobody’s losing me tonight.” I flicked the ash off the end the way I’d seen him do. “What do I say to him?”

  “The truth. He’s tougher than you think. And you owe him that.”

  “The truth. I don’t even know what that is anymore.”

  “You know.”

  I looked back at Danial. He smiled a little then slapped me lightly on the shoulder. I got up and headed down to Luke, thinking about what he’d said. I knew Luke heard me approach, but he didn’t look up from the telescope.

  I touched his hair and felt him twitch, but otherwise he didn’t respond. “See anything good up there?”

  “I’ve never seen the moon this close up. It’s amazing.”

  “Yeah, it is,” I said, stroking his hair.

  “It makes everything down here feel so different, you know?”

  I smiled and leaned my chin on his shoulder. “Yeah, I do know.”

  He was quiet for a minute while I kneaded his arms. “You’re going back to him, aren’t you?”

  He glanced over his shoulder and I nodded.

  “I always kind of knew this night would happen,” he said after a moment. “I saw that picture of the two of you, the one on the beach? I found it in your desk drawer while you were in the bathroom.”

  I laughed a little and sniffed. “You snooped in my desk drawers?”

  “I just wanted to know you, everything about you. You always held things back about Adam. You looked happy in that picture.” He turned then and looked at me, his eyes visibly puffy even in the darkness. “I knew when he came back, I’d lose you.”

  We pressed our foreheads together. “You haven’t lost me, Luke. I’ve hurt you, and that’s something I never wanted to do.” He twitched again as if his muscles were tensed up and beginning to spasm. “But I’m not sorry that we got close.”

  “I’m not sorry either. Can I ask you something?”

  “What?”

  “Did you say you loved me just to make me happy?”

  I rolled the question around in my mind for a moment. It just wasn’t that simple. Yes, I had said it to make him happy. I’d done a lot of things to make Luke happy over the past few months. Was that so wrong? He had needed validation, companionship. I gave him that. And he’d been a salve for my wounded heart, caffeine for my flagging ego. I ran my fingers down his cheek. But I did love him.

  “No,” I said finally. “I didn’t say it just to make you happy.”

  “It’s not the same way you love Adam, though, is it?”

  I shook my head.

  I expected more emotion from him, but he just nodded and looked over at Danial for a moment. “Danial told me about all you’d been through together. I don’t want to like him—Adam—you know, but he’s been really good to you.”

  “What else did Danial tell you?”

  “He told me that now that you have Adam back, he’s gonna need a new best friend.”

  I smiled. “Watch out for that one.” Luke met my smile with one of his own. “He’s the best,” I said. “But don’t ever try to kiss him. He’s just not into boys.”

  “You kissed Danial?”

  “I tried.”

  Luke cracked up. “Oh, man, I wish I’d been there to see that.”

  “Trust me. It wasn’t one of my prouder moments.”

  He grinned again, and then without warning, his grin turned into a grimace, and I pulled him to me and held him tight while he got it all out. The temperature had dropped, and his ear against my cheek was cold. I pulled his hood up over his head.

  “This is good-bye, isn’t it?” he choked out when the tears finally subsided.

  “No. Not good-bye.”

  The drive back to my house was quiet, save for the phone call to his parents. It was already 12:05; Luke had missed his curfew. His dad’s voice, loud and angry, carried across the console, cutting through the rush of warm air from the heater.

  I looked at Luke with sympathy and worry. “He sounded pretty mad.”

  “Yeah.” He shrugged. “It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere anyway.”

  His words stung.

  I followed him home to make sure he got there safely. His dad was standing on the front porch when Luke pulled into the driveway, his arms folded across his chest. Even from this distance, I could see his eyes follow my car as I circled the cul-de-sac and headed back. I wanted to hang around and make sure Luke was okay, but I was afraid I’d just make things worse for him.

  No lights burned at Adam’s house. But in the wash of the streetlight I could see him sitting on the front porch, hunched over his knees. When I pulled up to the curb, he stood. I got out and made my way to him. His face, even in the dim light, was a fusion of pain and hope so tender I could hardly bear not reaching out to him. I grabbed the cuffs of my sweater again and folded my arms tightly against my chest, in part because I was cold, and in part to stop me from doing something I wanted to do so desperately that I had to physically restrain myself. I cleared my throat and struggled to find my voice. “I just broke someone’s heart that I care about very much. And I have to know if I did the right thing.”

  “I’ll tell you anything you want, Nate,” he said quietly.

  “You said you came home for you,” I said in a voice still heavy with emotion. “What does that mean?”

  “Come on. Let’s sit. We should have done this a long time ago.”

  We sat close to each other on the cold flagstone. From behind him, Adam grabbed a blanket I hadn’t noticed and settled it around our shoulders, then clasped my hand tightly, intertwining his fingers with mine. I gripped his back.

  He let out a long, slow breath, visible in the night air. “When I thought I’d lost you, I knew I couldn’t stay.” He turned my face to his. “I could never be happy in New York knowing what it cost me. The person I love most in this world. New York was only good as long as I had you here, believing in me, waiting for me to come home. All the long hours, the parties, someone was always sticking a drink in my hand, the blatant come-ons—it was never me. But you were my anchor. You kept me grounded.”

  “And yet, it took you two more months to come home.”

  “Two months and one day, to get home, Nate. There’s a difference.” A shiver rattled through me and he moved even closer, drawing the blanket across me and grasping it with his free hand. “Can I ask you a question? Why didn’t you tell me about that Skype with Justin? After everything we’ve been through together, why is it still so hard for you to trust me?”

  It was a good question. And one I wasn’t sure I could answer, and yet, somehow I knew it had to be answered. For me as much as for him. An old memory surfaced, something my grandmother had told me years ago, before she’d moved in with us, before my parents had split up. Back when I was small enough to spank and when my dad could still look at me with something other than disgust. He’d spanked me over some infraction I no l
onger remembered. But I did remember hating him for it. Grandma found me in my room, wailing at the door with my bare feet. She hauled me onto the bed and told me about this show she used to watch when she was a kid. Family Affair. I’d never seen the show, but the name had stuck with me all these years. It was a sitcom about these kids, Buffy and Jody and an older sister, who lived with their uncle, a father figure so gentle that all the kids of her generation dreamed of growing up with an Uncle Bill. One day Jody sees his friend get a spanking. The kid’s dad tells Jody that he spanks his son out of love. Jody gets it into his head that maybe Uncle Bill doesn’t really love him, or at least not enough to punish him physically. So he starts getting into trouble just for that spanking that would prove he was loved. After Grandma told me that story, I didn’t resent the spankings so much. And when they stopped, so ended the only physical evidence I thought I had that my dad loved me.

  The analogy wasn’t quite right, but it was the closest I could get to what I was feeling.

  We sat quietly while Adam mulled it over. “You wanted me to spank you?”

  I choked out a laugh.

  “I’m not really into S and M, Nate, but if that’s what it takes to make you feel safe and loved, then I’m your guy.”

  “You’d spank me?” I looked back at him, still grinning.

  “It would be an affront to my inner pacifist, but yeah, I’d spank you.”

  “I don’t want to be spanked.”

  “That’s a relief.” He brought my hand to his mouth and kissed it. “It’s really good to see you smile again,” he said softly. Then, “Keep talking, Nate. I want to understand.”

  I pressed my lips together and looked off at the quiet street. A gray cat ambled down the center. Somewhere a dog barked, and the cat froze, then perceiving no threat, sat and groomed himself. “It’s hard to explain,” I said. “And it all seems so stupid now when I’m sitting here with you.”

  “Not stupid. Nothing you feel is stupid. Tell me what’s been going on in that pretty head of yours.”