by Dana Archer
“What else was I supposed to do?” Nic glanced over his shoulder. “Would you have actually wanted to waste your life on a crazed wolf? Because that’s what’ll happen. If I choose you, I won’t be able to shift for fear my wolf will take over, and I’ll slowly go insane. Our souls might be separate, but they’re linked. We need each other.”
If I choose you. Present tense, not past. Her heart skipped a beat at the distinction. “But you need me too, don’t you?”
“Yes, and that was the mistake I made four years ago.”
Chapter 18
Nic curled his hands into fists so as not to pull Riley into his arms. She stood before him, a mixture of hurt, affection, and desperation on her face. He wanted to tell her he loved her. Had chosen her. He couldn’t. Not yet.
All he had to offer her was the bleak future he’d described. He loved her enough to let her have a chance at a real life with a male who could give her all the things he couldn’t. No matter what she decided, though, Nic wouldn’t take his place as alpha or claim a shifter mate. He’d follow her into death. It was the years between that were up in the air.
Riley raised her chin. “The only mistake you made was in thinking you could live a life torn between love and responsibility. You can’t. Doing so will make you weak.” She turned imploring eyes on him. “You’ll be worthless—as an alpha, a mate, and a father.”
Nic stared into Riley’s eyes, more confused than he’d ever been at the fact that her words mirrored his own and over the reaction of his wolf. Nic had been struggling to keep it contained all day. It had been edgy and revved up with the approaching moon, but in the face of Riley’s harsh words, it sat on its haunches and listened, ears perked and head cocked as it watched her through Nic’s eyes. He wanted to read into its behavior but knew better.
It was an animal, a beast that only thought of one thing—power.
“Is that really what you see? An unsalvageable male?”
“No, not unsalvageable. Broken.” She stepped closer and laid a hand over his chest, right over his heart. Her touch pushed the shock over his wolf’s reaction aside and redirected it to Riley and the hold she had over him. “There’s only one thing that’ll save you.”
“What’s that?”
“Love.”
“Whose love will save me? Yours?”
She curled her fingers around the waistband of his sweatpants instead of answering. He wanted her touch too. As soon as she did, however, he’d lose all rational thought. He dropped his hands to her shoulders, holding her in place so she couldn’t go down on him.
“Well, angel? Is your love going to save me?”
“Yes.”
Nic wanted to demand the words ‘I love you’ from her, along with Riley’s promise to live out her life with him but couldn’t. She had to be sure. “Did you not hear what I said? I can’t mate you, not without my wolf’s permission.”
Shoving his hands off, she dropped to her knees and skimmed her fingertips up his calves. He couldn’t make himself stop her. The things she did to him took him to heaven.
At his knees, she broke their stare and replaced her fingers with her lips. The first brush of her tongue to his skin, and his body came to life. He stood still while she kissed her way higher.
“Look at me.” He waited until she peered at him from under her lashes. “Love can’t fix me, not completely. You think to save me, but all you’ll end up with is a male who can’t grow old with you, one who can’t give you children, and one whose mind will slowly unravel. I’ll be insanely jealous without any binding tie to you. Today. Tomorrow. Fifty years from now. It won’t matter. You’ll be the only thing holding my broken mind together. Could you live with that? Knowing I won’t be able to function without you?”
A small smile graced her full lips in answer. She closed her eyes and kissed his inner thigh.
“Answer me.” Nic demanded.
On a small shake of her head, Riley turned her attention to pleasuring him. And with the first swipe of her tongue, his resistance fizzled. Riley owned him and could do whatever she wanted to him.
Tomorrow, he’d demand an answer. Tonight, he’d enjoy her, knowing she loved him enough to fight for him. Here in her arms, he felt right, not broken or worthless. She soothed him. It was only when he left her that he felt lost.
Why couldn’t his wolf see that too?
He opened his soul to the animal and showed his baser half what Riley was to him, what she could be to them—a companion, a friend, and a reason to live. The lust he held for Riley meant nothing to his wolf. It wouldn’t care about Nic’s carnal needs.
His wolf watched, felt, and experienced everything Nic did, but it didn’t respond, not in acceptance or denial. He wanted to force a reaction from his animal, but Riley’s wandering hands eased his frustration.
She needed him. Her demand came through with every rough stroke of her nails on his skin.
Drawing her to her feet, he took her mouth hard, dominating her. Rough, deep strokes of his tongue with hers tore more low sounds from her throat. They enflamed him and encouraged him. He ran his hands down her back, pulling her closer until not an inch separated them.
He drank his fill of her mouth, licking her teeth, cheeks, and tongue to savor her flavor. She tasted like his woman. Heaven. He bent his head and dragged his flattened tongue over her lips once more.
A tug on his damp hair, and she pulled him back. Then stared at him for a long moment. “Nic, your eyes.”
No doubt they were glowing. Neither he nor his wolf controlled the reaction. Based on strong emotion, the automatic response was meant to intimidate opposition or attract mates. The stronger the shifter, the deeper the glow. He grinned, letting her see his fangs, but didn’t respond. At the moment, the only use of his strength he cared about was in how he could use it to pleasure Riley.
Then he did. He loved her, bringing her to highest peaks where only ecstasy ruled. Once his breathing returned to normal, he pressed his lips to hers. “I love you, angel.”
“Love you too, Nic.”
He grinned and held her words close. And if only love was enough, he’d have everything he ever wanted right here in his arms.
Chapter 19
Asleep, Riley reminded Nic of an angel. He let his gaze roam over her body, and his shaft stirred. She always affected him the same way. No matter how many times they made love, he wanted more. She’d accept him too. Not once had she ever turned him away.
God, he loved her. He’d been a fool to leave Riley, but like a true mate, one who was meant to share her soul with him, she forgave him.
Fought for him.
Loved him despite his idiocy.
Nic brushed a stray lock of hair from her cheek. She was his mate in this life and the next, whether his wolf accepted her or not.
Peace settled over him. He was making the right decision. He only hoped Sean would step up and be the male Nic couldn’t. Despite not wanting to lead, Nic didn’t think Sean would turn his back on the Kagan pack nor did Nic think any of the members would dare challenge Sean. Test him? Well, that was the fate of an alpha. None were exempt from the fights or dominance spats.
It was the integrity of the alpha that determined the fate of those dominants who lost the battles. Nicholas Kagan and every Kagan male before Nic had shouldered the responsibility with ease. They’d guided their pack with a strong yet kind hand. Sean would continue their legacy. Nic was sure of it. He only had to convince him of it.
The time had come to set his plan into motion, but the lack of response from his wolf worried him. It had to understand what he intended, yet it made no move to stop him. Did the beast finally realize the futility in fighting? Or was it waiting for the right opportunity to rise?
Nic sighed. The latter made more sense. The closer it got to the peak of the full moon, the more control his wolf held over him. He’d have to make sure he and Riley were far from Hollow’s Grove before nightfall.
He pressed his lips to hers. Not
a kiss exactly, but an expression of love by shifter standards. She sighed, and a small smile graced her plump mouth.
He eased off the bed and made his way to the desk in the corner of her room. A sticky pad and pen lay on top. He wrote a quick note telling her he’d be back by noon and posted the message on her alarm clock.
For a moment, he hesitated. She’d appreciate knowing where he was going and why, but he couldn’t risk anyone else in the pack accidentally learning the truth about his intentions or guessing at it because of Riley’s actions. As much as he hated to admit it, only two people could know he wouldn’t be in the circle for the transfer—his dad and Sean.
At the bedroom door, he glanced over his shoulder. Riley had stretched her arm to where Nic had lain. The sight made the ache in his chest return. How many nights had she reached for him only to find cold sheets? Probably as many times as he’d reached for her.
Never again. After today, they’d spend every night in each other’s arms.
He closed the door and jogged down the stairs. Another basket of laundry sat in the hallway. He grabbed a pair of sweats, tugged them on, and slipped outside.
Fog had crept in overnight. Unease settled over him. He strode to the middle of the front yard and waited for the protectors he’d assigned to Riley to come to him. Minutes passed before two gray wolves approached. Chris shifted and walked the remaining distance to stand in front of him. His partner, John, remained at his side in his animal form.
Nic motioned to the house. “Stay close to Riley.”
John slipped around the back of the house without hesitation, but Chris inhaled deeply. His features tightened, and his hands clenched at his sides.
The look of disapproval on Chris’s face no doubt came from the scent of sex clinging to Nic. Although committed to John, Chris cared for Riley, which was why Nic had chosen the male to guard her.
Nic took a step forward and lowered his voice. “Trust me, and protect the woman I love until I return.”
Chris nodded, and Nic turned toward the woods.
“Nic?”
Chris’s softly spoken question stopped Nic’s steps. “What?”
The other shifter jogged forward. “I know this isn’t the best time, but…” Chris cleared his throat. “But John and I have been together for a long time.”
Longer than Nic had been alive. He nodded. “Yes, I know that.”
“And…” Chris glanced over his shoulder. “John’s mother passed away a couple of weeks ago. He’s no longer obligated to remain a member of his pack. He can join ours…if you’ll allow it.”
John hadn’t lived in his birth pack for close to fifty years. He’d remained on Kagan grounds, never leaving Chris’s side. Nic’s dad had allowed the unusual arrangement and had even blessed their union under the light of the full moon, a ceremony that equaled marriage in the eyes of the shifter community.
“John can be presented to the spirit wolf. Whether it accepts him or not is out of my control.” Hadn’t he said something similar to Jenna about Ben before he’d died? A shiver of unease skipped down Nic’s spine.
Chris smiled. “I understand, and thank you. We’ll look forward to it.”
With that, Chris shifted. Nic waited until Chris disappeared, lost in the mist surrounding the house, before Nic slipped into the woods. The pull of the moon tempted him to shift. He pushed the urge back and ran.
On bare feet, he made his way through the brush and natural debris. The bite of sharp stones and squish of the wet ground didn’t slow him. He pushed his body harder. The sooner he could complete his tasks, the sooner he’d return to Riley.
His house came into view. Hannah sat on the front porch, back against the banister at the top of the steps and feet propped on the opposite column. She twirled a lock of her hair but didn’t face him. “You were at Riley’s place?”
“That’s none of your business, little sister.”
“Noted.” She tilted her head and studied him through slitted eyes. “Maria called me.”
“And?”
“She told me the happy news.” He held Hannah’s challenging stare. After a long moment, she glanced away. “I will arrange for her to move into a house at the end of our territory, farthest from the Tanner pack.”
It’d be a good plan if he was going to follow through with the mating. The truth sat on the tip of his tongue, but he wouldn’t tell Hannah something he’d withheld from Riley. Both women important to him would find out his intentions soon enough.
He climbed the steps and hopped over Hannah, not bothering to respond, but paused at the door. The stench of alcohol hung heavy in the air. He glanced over his shoulder. Bottles of beer lined the railing behind her.
He motioned to the half-dozen empties. “Your date with Ethan didn’t end well?”
She shrugged. “He’s twice my age. He considers me a baby and vows not to sleep with me until I mature.”
“But you’re seeing to his needs, aren’t you?”
Hannah grabbed a new bottle from the cooler at her feet and twisted the cap. “Don’t go all big brother on me, Nic.” She tossed the top into the nearby garbage can. “You lost the right to fight for me when you walked away. I know what I’m doing, and getting him hooked on me is part of it.”
“What’s the other part?”
“Triggering his instincts. What else?”
“You’re going to make him jealous.”
She cocked her head. A wicked grin spread over her face. “More than that. I’m going to make him fight for me and claim me the old-fashioned way.”
His stomach dropped. “A mating run? You’re going to offer yourself up as a trophy?” He crouched and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her. “What are you thinking? Any male can claim. Rape you.”
She chuckled. “It won’t come to that. Ethan will catch me. Besides, I’m stronger than I look. Only a dominant has any hope of winning me.”
Nic dropped his hands. The stubborn expression Hannah wore stopped his argument. He wouldn’t give up on convincing her of the stupidity of her choice, but it’d have to happen over the phone. The clock was ticking for him.
“One question.” He raised his gaze to hers. “Does he love you?”
“He will.”
He sighed and stood. “Same time as you fall in love with him, right?”
She stared at him. No emotion showed on her face. She’d developed the mask of an alpha. She’d make a good mate to one. He only hated her method and her reasoning. Something told him it wasn’t one he’d approve of, but as she said, he’d lost the right to judge her.
“If not love, I hope whatever it is you’re doing this for is worth it.”
“It is, Nic. It is.”
He nodded, then turned his back on her and slipped inside the house. Memories assaulted him. Not happy ones, but the crippling reminders of the sins he’d committed the day before. Riley’s hurt expression choked him, but so too did Maria’s impassionate one. Riley, he’d spend his life proving to her he loved her.
Maria? He shouldn’t feel anything for her, but he did. He pitied her for whatever drove her to accept the sham of a mating he’d offered. Guilt also plagued him over the shame she’d no doubt feel when she showed up at the circle tonight only to learn he’d left. He pushed it aside. She’d be more humiliated living in a house at the edge of his pack lands with orders not to come anywhere near him. And for what pushed her to accept a male who’d never love her? It wasn’t his fight. He only hoped she found someone willing to shoulder it with her.
Showered and dressed, he stepped back onto the porch. Hannah no longer sat with empty bottles strewn about. He hesitated for a moment. The need to check on his little sister and make sure she was safe beat at him, but the lightening sky pushed the urge aside. His time was running out. He needed off of his pack lands and away from the fate he’d never wanted before his destiny caught up with him.
The drive to Riley’s Sanctuary took longer than he’d expected. The heavy rains had turned the
dirt and stone roads leading from his remote house into a mess of mud and deep puddles. If he could guarantee his wolf wouldn’t try to take over, he could’ve shifted. The silence from his primal half stopped him.
His wolf might share his body and be joined to his soul, but Nic didn’t trust him. The animal had its own agenda, one that had nothing to do with love. Ultimately, the man was in charge as God intended. It didn’t mean Nic would have an easy time asserting his dictate or ever receive full backing from the beast. He wouldn’t be the first shifter who lived in discontent with the wolf he’d been born with. He doubted he’d be the last either. As long as he had Riley in his life, he didn’t care.
He floored the gas pedal once he reached the paved road. Riley’s Sanctuary came into view. The single car parked on the side of the clinic belonged to one of the other nurses. He’d met her a couple of times when he’d stopped by to visit his dad over the past week, but he’d never asked her name. He hadn’t wanted to associate with anyone while he’d struggled with his fate.
Nic unlocked the door and made his way across the darkened lobby of the animal hospital to the door leading to the basement. In the hallway outside his dad’s room, he paused to look at the painting of him receiving the spirit of the pack. Anger rushed up. He had no doubt he was making the right choice, but his entire life he’d anticipated the transfer. Maybe not enthusiastically, but he’d felt honored to be born a Kagan. No longer. He wasn’t strong enough. And for a dominant, that stung.
The sound of a door opening reached his ears. He didn’t bother turning. The female’s scent announced her presence. The nurse was nearing her fertile cycle. Mated, her presence didn’t torment him. He ignored her, hoping she’d take the hint and leave. The woman had other ideas. She stepped next to him.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
He grunted in answer.
“Riley obsessed for weeks over this particular painting. She wanted it to be perfect.”
He whipped his head to stare at the nurse. “Riley painted that?” Nic motioned toward the artwork.