Spinning around, she opened her mouth to breathe in and started for the stairs. Every step brought her closer to escape. She didn’t want to look like she was running but wanted to get out of there fast.
“What’s the point?”
She stopped and scrunched her face in a wince. So close. “It’s not about that… not directly.”
But he surprised her with what he said next. “I’m not going to ask you,” he said. “Never again. I don’t want to know. It isn’t that important to me.”
Once upon a time, she’d have rejoiced to hear him say that. But now, a rush of defeat hit her, making her sag. “And therein lies a different problem,” she murmured.
“What does that mean?”
Surprised to hear his voice so near, she turned around to find him standing just a couple of feet away. “Two people in the world knew the answer to that question,” she said, and he searched her eyes, saying nothing. “One of them is dead.”
“You think you’re in danger?”
If only it was as simple as that. “I don’t think it, I know it, but that’s not the problem,” she said. “No one’s coming to kill me. Killing me would be stupid because if I’m dead, I can’t answer questions.”
Strike didn’t seem worried about that eventuality either. “It’s a small group who know about it,” he said, folding his arms and tilting his head in a nod. “It’s a tantalizing notion, but I can deal with that. I can handle anyone who wants to come for you.”
Tensing only to release her breath in a rush, she opened her hands, letting the towel and tee-shirt fall. “It doesn’t work,” she cried, feeling the burden of exasperation and frustration.
“What?” he asked and then shock made his eyes widen. “Whoa, no.” Putting his hands up, he shook them and backed off. “Don’t talk to me about this. I don’t want to know.”
He tried to turn and stride away, but she darted around and put herself in front of him. “Who else can I talk to about it?” she asked, planting her hands on his chest when he tried to walk through her. “As long as it’s out there, we’re both in danger, because you’re the only one who can fix it.”
“Stop it,” he said and actually put his palms to his ears. “I can’t hear this.”
Clutching his wrists, she used all her strength to pull them down. “I need help, Strike. I need you to have my back on this!”
Stooping to get in her face, his frown was fierce. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“But why?” she begged. “You were so desperate to—”
“I don’t trust myself,” he snapped. “I don’t trust myself to make the right choice.”
Her hands fell from his arms and she stared into the nothingness left in front of her when he strode past her.
“Me,” she whispered. “You don’t trust yourself to choose me.”
He made no attempt at contrition or apology. But, he was who he was, and she’d told him not to change for her.
“Might not be what you want to hear, but it is what it is. No one will hurt you, I can guarantee you that… But don’t ask me to resist temptation… I’ve never been very good at that,” he muttered, his voice getting weaker and more grumbly from the first word to the last.
“Ok,” she said, the depth of her resolve wavering while she came to terms with the fact that she really was on her own on this one.
Heading for the bed, she grabbed her clothes, ignoring the panties and choosing to pull on only the bra, shirt and pants.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he asked. “Have a shower, take your time and—”
“No,” she said, pulling her hair from the back of her shirt and scooping it out of her way when she bent to put on her shoes. “I better get on the road. I’ll have to ad hoc myself a vehicle and—”
He grabbed her arm and spun her around, pulling her upright. “Ro…”
Yes, she was hurt, and angry, and wanted to give him a swift kick, but there was an apology in his eyes as he gazed down at her.
“Thank you for being honest,” she said. “I’ll be back in a few days.”
But when she moved, he pulled her back to him. “No specifics,” he said. “I’ll be the muscle, that’s it.”
“I don’t need muscle for this,” she said, twisting to take her arm from his hand. “I need the man I love to give me his shoulder, to offer his arm, to hold me up when I want to pick up that gun and pull the trigger.”
His expression hardened to steel. “I told you, that was your one,” he growled. “If you think about—”
“I’m not going to kill myself,” she said. “But this is a burden I have to carry by myself. And to love me, you have to trust me.”
“There’s no one else I trust to keep this secret,” he said. “Gallagher chose well. Even corrupted, you’re purer than the rest of us.”
“But for me to love you, I have to be able to trust you,” she said. “And you just told me I can’t.”
“I told you that in Wonderland.”
Clarity lifted her chin. “This isn’t about me trusting you or you trusting me, both of those things are true… You have to trust yourself.”
“I don’t.”
“Apparently,” she said and sidestepped, thinking about how sad it was that he carried that burden. “I have to go.”
“Wait,” he said, going around her to the chest. Opening it again, he took out three things and then came back to her to hand them over. A roll of money, a set of car keys, and the switchblade he’d given her in the Last Resort parking lot.
“Is that…”
“Found it in the Wonderland debris,” he said, touching the edge. “The car’s on the corner; press the button and look for the lights.”
“Thank you,” she said, looking at the items.
He put a fingertip to her chin and pushed it up, forcing her to look at him. “Keep your chin up, Cupcake.”
She nodded and accepted his kiss when he bowed to give it. They were never going to be without their issues, but that didn’t change her commitment to him. This wouldn’t be the last time that they’d come at an issue from opposing sides, and it would take a lot more than that to make her refuse his kiss.
twenty-two
It took her two days to get to Benjamin’s apartment.
If she’d have been able to fly, it would’ve been quicker, but without ID, she couldn’t get a ticket. And it wouldn’t be a good idea for her to go traipsing through an airport full of cameras either.
Rora got over her tension a hundred miles from the room she’d left Strike in, and that’s when she began to enjoy the trip. Getting away from everything gave her a chance to reflect on what she’d been through.
Losing Benjamin was difficult to adjust to. He’d been missing for six months, and in many ways, it felt like he was still missing. Seeing him put a bullet in his own head was so surreal that even when she replayed events as she remembered them, it felt like she was watching a nightmare, not recalling reality.
She spent one night in a hotel and drove the whole second day. It was night when she pulled into the parking lot behind Benjamin’s apartment. Putting the car in park, she leaned forward and looked up at the building.
Great idea, Rora, she thought to herself. Coming here seemed simple in theory, but in practice, it was a different ballgame.
Closing her eyes, she steeled herself, telling herself that she was strong enough to do this. Climbing out of the car, full of determination, she checked her jacket pocket for the switchblade. Squeezing it tight as she went into the building and started to ascend the stairs, she knew she was strong enough to face whatever she had to.
Benjamin’s apartment key was hidden beneath the plant at the end of the corridor, she retrieved it and unlocked the door ready to storm in and do whatever was necessary to get in and out fast. Turned out that wouldn’t be a problem.
Rora didn’t expect to see the sight that faced her. The apartment was completely empty. There wasn’t a speck of dust, let alone an item of fu
rniture or a picture on the wall.
Turning on the spot, she couldn’t take it in.
Benjamin owned the apartment. It belonged to him. It wasn’t a rental. There was no landlord to come in and clear the place. His mortgage was paid to the bank and there was plenty of money in his account to cover his bills, she’d kept on top of that for him, expecting he’d be returning to his life as soon as she found him.
Shaking herself to her senses, she ran through the apartment, but found only blank white walls and hardwood floors. Someone had gone to great lengths to get what they wanted. Someone ransacking the place she might understand, taking paperwork and trinkets maybe. But did they need to take his clothes and his pictures? This was awful, it was like he’d been erased from existence.
Getting out of the apartment when she felt like her lungs were getting smaller, she fell against the hallway wall and breathed out.
Strike’s assertion that the group who knew the secret was small might still be true. But that group was more determined than she’d given them credit for.
But all wasn’t lost.
Shoving off the wall, she went back to the stairwell. Instead of going down, she went up. Ascending all the way to the roof level, she checked the light fitting on the internal wall, but it was above her head, out of her reach. Turning left and right, she couldn’t find anything to stand on. There was no way for her to get up there on her own.
Balling her fists, she cursed the air. This could be crucial and she hadn’t realized that she was on a clock. These people, whoever they were, they were ahead of her.
Taking strength from Strike, she told herself to calm down and not to be discouraged. What had happened was in the past, she had to focus on the future and that meant she needed a plan.
Running down the stairs as fast as she could, she flew out of the building and ran across the parking lot. Fumbling with her car keys, she got the car unlocked and dropped into the driving seat to take a breath and rub her face with both hands.
Ok, she regrouped and tried to stay calm because freaking out would get her nowhere. She needed height; a ladder or a box, anything that would get her to that light fitting. Blowing out her adrenaline, she put the car into gear and looked straight ahead with her hand on the key. There on the dash on the other side of the steering wheel was… a cupcake.
Her mouth fell open.
Thrusting the car out of gear, she leaped out of the vehicle, twisting left and right to look around the parking lot.
“Flame!” she called out and stopped when she saw a figure step out of the shadow next to the back door she’d just come through. Triumph made her rush across the asphalt to get to him.
“Baby, I—”
Grabbing his hand, she didn’t slow down and rushed back into the building. “I need you.”
“Babe, the apartment is empty,” he said, following her up the stairs as she ran up them, pulling him along. “Didn’t you go in?”
“I should be surprised that you got here before me,” she said, passing Benjamin’s floor. “But I’m not.”
“Where are we going?”
Taking him all the way to the top, she yanked him over to the light fitting and pointed up. “Can you reach up there? At the top, there’s a box behind it.”
He frowned, but stepped forward to feel behind the light. All the air rushed from her body when he took the palm-sized black box down. “Oh, thank god,” she said, grabbing it from him to clutch it to her chest.
“What is that?”
She put in the combination and peeked inside. “You don’t want to know.”
“It’s not…”
Glancing up at him, she snapped it shut and grinned. “No, not that. This is mine.”
“Naked pictures?” he said and tried to take it from her, but she stuck it in her pocket.
Taking his hand again, she spun him around to pull him back down the stairs. “You better have assumed it was naked pictures of me,” she said over her shoulder.
“Well I wouldn’t want them of Gallagher. I’ve got a dick of my own if I want to look at one.”
“I’ve got an ass, but I still prefer looking at yours,” she said and he yanked her back, jolting her to a stop.
His glower made her smile. “Did you just flirt with me?”
So, she could sleep with him and love him, but she couldn’t flirt with him? Maybe he didn’t like it on principle, it did involve implication.
But Rora loved teasing him too much to just let it go. “What? You have a nice ass, baby. It’s a compliment.”
“We’re not safe here, anyone could be watching. A bullet could come from anywhere.”
Putting a foot on the stair he was on, she pushed to her tiptoe to whisper. “Then I guess now’s the last chance I might have to tell you. I’m in love with your ass, your abs, your dick. I love your body, Flame… I love every inch of you, even that frustrating mind and stubborn glare.”
Swooping his arms around her, he grabbed her ass in both hands and spun to pin her against the wall. “I stalked you here. You didn’t have a fucking clue,” he said, opening his mouth to tempt hers, but when her lips parted, he kept his mouth a whisper away, tempting, teasing, only to disappoint and hold back. “I spent the night in your motel room watching you sleep.”
“I’m flattered,” she said.
“I could’ve slit your throat.”
“I don’t care if you don’t trust yourself, baby. I trust you.” Stealing her mouth, he forced his kiss hard onto hers causing her to moan and grab for his neck, digging her nails into him beneath the collar of his jacket. “You’ll always choose me, Strike… I know you will.”
“Motel room’s on me tonight.”
The guy who never slept wanted to get a motel room? “You got one already?”
He nodded. “Bed’s right there.”
Her smart smile told him that she knew exactly why he’d planned ahead. “Cocky for a stalker,” she said, stroking his face with the length of her fingers. “What if I’d called the cops?”
His mouth slanted. “You’ve got a kinky idea of foreplay, baby. But it works for me.”
“We have to get across town first,” she said. “Do you think you can take care of the research department’s security? My codes will work, but I don’t know if they should know we’re there… and there are cameras—”
He kissed her. “What would you do without me, Cupcake?”
Putting her back on her feet, he took her hand to take her down the final flight of stairs. “Oh, I don’t know, live an honest, danger-free life.”
“You’re welcome,” Strike said, kissing the back of her hand before nudging her toward the passenger side of the car.
The key was still in the ignition, so he got them underway and she nabbed her cupcake from the dash to tear pieces off for both her and Strike to share the sweet treat.
“Don’t you have a car?” she asked. “No, wait, let me guess. You ad hoc’d one.” He didn’t respond, but that was enough of an answer for her. “Will we need to swing by the motel for Opal? It’s not like you to leave her alone anywhere.”
Tipping his head back, he nodded to the rear of the car. Twisting to look into the backseat, she was surprised to see Opal there. “You put Opal in the car with my cupcake?” she asked. “How did you know I’d… why didn’t you just leave yourself in the car?”
“You know I like to position myself to make a quick exit.”
Putting the laptop in the car was a sign he trusted her, and she wasn’t going to let that slip by without pointing it out to her love. “But you left Opal with me?”
“You like the ladies,” he said.
While she smirked, he kept a straight face. The streets weren’t too busy, but there were people in the more built-up part of town, going to dinner and out to bars and clubs. People were going about their lives oblivious to the kind of danger that was around them.
Rora tried to remember the last time she’d been on a date or the last time she’d been
oblivious to life without tragedy or drama. Neither coincided, she’d lived with both tragedy and drama since Kyan’s crime. But it had been potent in her life again over the last six months, since Benjamin was taken.
“Do you think I should tell anyone that he’s gone?” she asked, watching the world go by.
“Gallagher? He didn’t have family, did he?”
“He and his ex-wife, Leandra, had a daughter,” she said. “But the little one died when she was six. He said she was the best and worst thing that ever happened to him, a blessing and a curse. It was just a sad accident—”
“She drowned in the pool, I know.”
Course he did. Sucking it up, Rora made herself smile though she didn’t really feel like it, and slid toward him. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t like backstory.”
“What I wanna know is why you never told me you were with him.”
Surprised by the thread of either anger or accusation in his voice, Rora didn’t like that he believed she’d lied to him. “I wasn’t,” she said. “When he went missing—”
“Before that.”
Turned out the Black Jewel liked to cause drama, though that wasn’t the worst of her crimes. There could be no other reason Bella would bring up Rora’s previous relationship except to torment Strike.
“Bella told you that—”
“I saw you together, Ro,” he said, his hands sliding further around the steering wheel. “I saw the way he looked at you. I know what it’s like to feel that way about you; I’m just better at hiding it than he was.” Her gaze drifted back to the side window. “You dumped him, didn’t you?”
And her guilt about that had been difficult to live with before he’d taken his life for such a noble cause, now that Benjamin was gone, she’d never be able to convey how sorry she was for hurting him like she had.
Rora sighed. “It was too complicated. He was my boss and—”
“Yeah, ‘cause what we’ve got going is way less complicated than that,” he said. “You don’t give up on a guy if you’ve decided to be with him. You make excuses for him, and accept everything there is about him, even if good sense should tell you to run.”
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