by Lois Richer
“Okay.” Luc sighed. “But when you do decide, you’ll give me first dibs, right?”
“If and when,” she promised.
“Good enough.” He wrinkled his nose at the brightly striped fabric she was about to cut. “That looks like clown material,” he said then added, “Have you got time to go for a ride?”
“Now?” Holly paused, her scissors frozen in midair. She looked up at him and frowned. This was about the ranch; it had to be important. “What’s wrong?”
“I’d rather show you than explain,” he said. “Then I’ll come back here and you can show me exactly what you want in your sewing room.”
“Fine.” Resigned, Holly put down her scissors and shut off the pattern mill in her brain. If she had a bigger, more private work space, she’d be able to accept more orders and finally pay off the last of the bills leftover from her dad’s illness. It was the only debt she owed him that she could repay. Nothing could ever make up for the love and care he’d showered on her all her life.
Except perhaps the grandson he’d never known.
“Holly?” Luc touched her shoulder. “Would you rather wait?”
“No. Let’s go.” She mentally shook off the past, knowing the guilt would return again later, when she was alone.
“It’s the north quarter. We’ll have to ride.” Luc glanced at her bare feet and raised one eyebrow. “I think you’re going to have to cover those,” he jibed.
Holly glanced down and giggled.
“One of my Sunday school students gave me this polish,” she said, wiggling her toes. “She said her mom thought it was too old for her.”
“It’s too something,” Luc agreed, unable to stifle a laugh.
Holly laughed with him. Luc always had that effect on her, she thought as she pulled on her socks and riding boots. He was a very good friend who coaxed her to enjoy life. She enjoyed having him around.
They took the shortcut to the north pasture, past Luc’s house. Holly slowed to a stop and squinted into the sun below the brim of her hat, waiting until he’d reined in beside her.
“What’s that in your yard, Luc?”
“I’m restoring a truck and needed some parts so I had the garage tow in a couple of wrecks.” He must have seen something in her face because he asked, “Why?”
“You’re still determined to adopt Henry?” she asked, even though she knew he was.
“Of course. Why not?” Luc glanced at the yard then back at her. “What’s wrong?”
“I think that whoever comes to check out your place will see those old cars and parts as a potential hazard for a kid Henry’s age,” she said gently. “You can still restore your vehicles but maybe not in front of the house.”
“It’s handy when I have a few minutes after dinner,” he explained. “I can walk out the door and work as long as the light’s good, but you’re right. I wouldn’t want Henry poking around where there’s a lot of rust and jagged edges.”
“I’m sorry,” she murmured, knowing how much he loved to restore vehicles.
“Don’t be.” Luc twisted to look at her, his grin back in place. “That’s exactly the kind of thing I want your help with, Holly.”
“Did you talk to Abby yet?” she asked. “She might have some weight with the government if Henry is in the care of Family Ties. Or even if he’s under other stewardship.”
“Abby told me Henry’s only been in foster care since his brother went to prison, but that he hasn’t been able to settle in anywhere. Apparently he doesn’t like foster care and keeps asking for a forever family.” Luc chuckled. “His case worker in Calgary was relieved Abby agreed to temporarily oversee his care while he’s staying with Hilda Vermeer.”
“He’s still there, even though she snores?” Holly asked, tongue in cheek.
“Apparently there is a lack of foster homes right now. When he argued about staying with Hilda, Abby said she had to be very forceful with him to get him to understand that he’d never get his family if he didn’t give her time to find it. Henry then said he’d wait a little longer.” Luc laughed. “He’s such a solemn, determined kid.”
And you already love him, Holly thought, her heart pinching at the trouble that might lie ahead for Luc. And yet, she had only to think of the joy he’d experience as a father, joy she’d missed out on, joy she’d denied her dad.
“Henry reminds me of you sometimes,” she said, not realizing she’d voiced her thoughts until Luc’s eyebrows arched.
“Me? How?”
“His purpose, the way he won’t give in, his certainty about what he wants from life. And his eyes. Henry’s eyes are exactly like yours. Are you sure you weren’t married and had a child you didn’t tell anyone about?” Holly teased.
Luc’s face tightened. “Never married,” he said firmly. “Never will. Some people, like you for instance, should be married. Some, especially if they’re like me, shouldn’t.”
“Why not?” Surprised by the comment, Holly rode closer and tapped him on the arm. “Luc?”
He remained silent for so long she thought he wouldn’t answer. She’d thought Luc simple and carefree until now. Her questions about him multiplied.
“I always intended to get married.” He pulled his horse up when they came to the stream that divided their properties and dismounted. “That had been my dream since I was a kid, to someday have a wife and a family. A home. I thought with them I’d be able to make up for the family that I’d lost when my parents died in the car accident.”
“And now you can’t?” Holly’s heart ached for the little boy he’d been and the grief he’d had to go through after losing the only family he’d ever known.
“I think maybe with Henry I can have that dream,” Luc murmured thoughtfully.
Holly appreciated the way Luc held her horse’s harness so she could dismount, even though she’d been riding since she was five. There was something nice about having Luc do those polite things that made her feel cherished, special.
She sat down on a rock by the creek bed and waited while Luc fastened both horses to a tall poplar tree. He pulled two cans of soda from his saddlebags and a sack of nuts.
“I thought it’d be nice to take a break here,” he said after handing her a soda. He folded his long lean length next to her then set his Stetson on a rock. His short dark curly hair glistened in the sun.
Luc, Holly suddenly realized, was a very handsome man.
“I love this spot. It’s so peaceful.” His voice rumbled quietly through the little glade. “It makes me think of God.”
Holly sipped her drink and waited for him to continue. She, too, loved this spot and often came here to pray for forgiveness.
“This year I let go of the marriage part of my dreams,” Luc told her, his face inexpressibly sad.
“Because?” Holly could hardly contain her curiosity.
“Because it wasn’t realistic.” A self-mocking smile stretched his mouth. “I thought love and marriage meant forever.”
“And they don’t?” Holly wanted to hug him when he shook his head. His face reflected his disenchantment.
“A month ago the woman I’d just proposed to told me she didn’t love me enough to leave Calgary and move out here—to the back of beyond I believe she called it.” Luc said it coolly, without emotion, but Holly saw the sting of rejection in his eyes.
“Oh, Luc. I’m so sorry.” Holly frowned. “You never told us you were engaged.”
“You and your dad had enough to deal with. Your canceled wedding and his illness took up every spare moment.” His gaze rested on her, brimming with compassion. “My problems didn’t matter.”
“Of course they did. If you’d told us, we would have celebrated your happiness, even thrown a party.” Holly pinched her lips. Luc grinned.
“Yeah, probably not a good idea,” he said. “Too much to explain when we split up.”
Holly couldn’t suppress an oddly disquieting sensation at the knowledge that Luc had been contemplating marriage. She looked at him now wi
th new eyes. Luc as a husband?
“Surely one breakup is no reason to give up on love and marriage,” she said.
“It wasn’t just one woman,” he admitted in a low voice. “But this one hurt the most. Being rejected like that takes the starch out of you. It takes a while to get your feet back under you.”
“Tell me about it,” she muttered drily.
She wondered why she hadn’t known he was in love. Then again, why wouldn’t he be? Luc was very handsome, kind and generous, with faultless manners. Any woman would be fortunate to be loved by him. “I’ve been having second thoughts about marriage for a while,” he volunteered.
“Why?” Holly hoped he wouldn’t tell her to mind her own business.
“Several years ago I stood up at the weddings of several best buddies, guys with hearts of gold who’d gladly give you the shirt off their backs.” Luc fiddled with his soda can. “I’d never seen them as committed as when they married their wives. They were determined to make it work, ready to put their all into it. Later they all had kids and seemed so happy. I envied them.”
Holly said nothing, giving Luc time to gather his thoughts.
“I didn’t know those marriages weren’t even close to perfect. Now, one by one, each is ending in divorce.” Luc swallowed. “The morning we found Henry I’d just come from my friend Pete’s. He’s the latest casualty.” His face was troubled.
“Talk to me, Luc.” Holly heard a world of pain in his stark words. He needed a friend and for once she wanted to be the one to help him.
“When I saw him, Pete was devastated, sitting in his truck, a shell of himself. He’s lost his wife, his kids, his home. The love I envied five years ago is gone.” He shook his head. “It was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever seen.”
“I’m so sorry.” The depth of his dejection touched her. “But that doesn’t mean your relationships will fail. You just haven’t found the right woman yet.”
“I don’t think love has to do with finding the right person, Holly. I’m not even sure there is a right person for me to find.” Luc looked at her, his eyes dark. “Love is something you give, freely, unreservedly. How do you put your world together when the person you loved no longer wants you?”
“I wish I had the answer.” Holly prayed desperately for words to soothe his stark hurt but couldn’t find them. How could she help her friend?
“I’m no expert.” His forehead pleated in a frown. “By everything I saw, those marriages should have worked. But my friends lost love and their dreams.”
Holly felt stunned by Luc’s desolation. She wanted him to expel the rejection from his heart so it couldn’t hurt him anymore. As if! In five months she hadn’t expelled Ron’s accusations. Not yet. Not completely. “Go on, Luc.”
“Sarah told me she didn’t want to marry me after we’d been seriously discussing our future for several months.” He shook his head as if he still couldn’t believe it. “We’d even decided to get married in Tahiti because she said Buffalo Gap was too ‘primitive.’”
That should have been a warning sign, Holly thought, but she kept silent.
“I agreed to almost all the conditions she set until she wanted me to sell my ranch.” Luc smiled grimly when Holly reared back. “She told me she could never move here, so far from the city and her friends.” Luc’s face bore a pained look as if it hurt to admit the rest.
“I get the picture,” Holly muttered, wishing she’d met this woman so she could have told her what a great guy Luc was.
“I didn’t. Not until I insisted on keeping the ranch.” His lips pinched together.
“Oh, Luc.” Holly could almost guess the rest.
“She called Buffalo Gap Hicksville and hinted nothing here could possibly live up to city life. She said she wanted a husband to be proud of. She made fun of me for loving ranching, said I was wasting myself on cattle.” His face telegraphed his sense of betrayal. “She said she wanted a husband to be proud of, not some guy smelling of manure, stuck in a mindless routine of chores.”
“It’s a good thing she broke it off,” Holly burst out angrily. “Because if she hadn’t, you would have. She would never have worked as a ranch wife.”
“No, she wouldn’t.” Luc nodded. “But that’s when I understood that I was just like my buddies. I gave everything to Sarah and she threw it in my face. That’s when I knew that whatever I’d felt for her wouldn’t survive the test of marriage. She hated everything I stood for. I made a mistake loving her.”
“I’m not sure loving someone is ever a mistake. Love’s not the problem,” Holly mused.
“No, judgment is,” Luc said. “My heart blinded me, which is bad enough. But my poor judgment is what scares me.”
The sting of his admission reached deep inside Holly. Luc was one of the best men she knew. She didn’t want him to hurt like this.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, knowing it wasn’t enough.
“Now I know how you must have felt when Ron walked away, Holly. It’s like being a kid again and having my world torn apart.” His hands fisted at his sides and pressed against his worn denim jeans. “I will never go through that again.”
“You can find someone else. There’s nothing saying your marriage has to end like your friends’ marriages did.” Holly wished she knew how to help him.
“There’s no guarantee it wouldn’t. Sarah fit all my requirements for an ideal wife. That’s why I started dating her. But I saw the outward beauty and missed what was inside. If we’d married and then split, it could have cost me the ranch…” His voice trailed away.
Love had cost Holly a great deal. She had no advice to erase the wistful sadness on Luc’s face.
“I’ve accepted that I’m never getting married so it’s a moot point now. But I refuse to give up all my dreams,” he said sternly. “I am going to have a son. That son will be Henry.”
“Luc, I—” Holly stopped when his fingertips covered her lips.
“Don’t say it, okay?” he begged, his voice soft, intense. “I need this dream so badly.”
Holly frowned, wanting to understand.
“You don’t know what it’s like to suddenly lose your home, your family, everything. You’re a little kid that no one cares about.” Luc’s intensity grabbed her heart. “I made do, I pretended, I fit in as best I could and concentrated on getting through.”
Holly could see him in her mind’s eye, a little boy, like Henry, pretending all was well, not making a fuss in case the family he was with asked to have him removed. And then at night, after the lights went out and he was alone in his bed, she could see him tear up, yearning for someone to say I love you, Luc. I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.
That was the legacy her father had given Holly after her mother had left without saying goodbye. Pain stabbed her heart that Luc had lost that security. How could he not want to adopt Henry as his son and begin building his family?
“Dreaming of having a child was the one thing that kept me going through five very rough years in the oil fields.” His face tightened. “I did some things, accepted some dangerous jobs on the rigs so that I could earn enough money to buy my ranch. I want to make a legacy, to reinstate the Cramer name as something to be proud of. I want to pass something on to Henry. He is the son I’ve longed for. I can’t let go of this dream, Holly.”
As his hand slid away from her face, Holly blinked at the loss rushing through her. She was heart-sore for this kind, generous man who only wanted simple things—a family, a home. Things other people took for granted.
“Then if that’s your dream we’d better make sure there’s no reason to deny appointing you as Henry’s guardian, hadn’t we?” she said finally. Her heart thudded at the joy exploding across his face.
“Thank you, Holly.” Luc’s smile made Holly’s breath catch.
Why did she suddenly have such a strong reaction to him? Because she’d seen past the carefree persona he presented, to the man inside.
Luc wa
s her best friend. Neither of them was willing to trust enough to love again. What they had in common only heightened their friendship. It was good to know nothing between them had changed.
And yet somehow it had. Holly now understood what drove Luc, comprehended his intense desire to make his ranch into a home, to adopt Henry. Luc would never walk away from that relationship. Somehow Holly knew he was trustworthy as surely as she knew her own name. Luc was a man of honor. In her life Holly had only ever known one man whom she’d found truly honorable and that was her dad. But Luc came in a close second.
Suddenly, unbelievably, Holly rejoiced that Luc had not married Sarah. She didn’t deserve him.
You can’t get close to this man, her brain warned. Not unless you’re willing to share your secret with him.
That inner voice unsettled her. “I guess we’d better go see what’s bugging you up north,” she said, needing to do something to escape her thoughts.
“Okay, but I’m warning you,” Luc said as he rose and held out a hand to her. “Next time we come back here, I’m getting in that water.” He nodded to the creek. “And I’m bringing Henry one day, too. Next to raspberry pie, swimming is my favorite thing.”
He drew her upward too fast. Unprepared, Holly bumped her head on his chin. Good thing. She needed to snap back to reality because for a moment she’d seen herself in the picture, splashing Luc and Henry in the creek, as if she belonged there.
*
“I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone who cooks like you.” Luc held up one macaroni, bloated and tinged pink. “Who taught you to cook the tomatoes with the pasta?”
“Dad.” She smiled at him, her sun-tinted face uplifted. “Don’t criticize until you taste.”
“Right.” Luc popped the pasta into his mouth then held up his hands. “I stand in awe of you, Holly. You manage to make everything taste great.”
“For your information I draw the line at cooking liver. I don’t care how good they say it is for you.” She giggled at his gagging motions. “I see we agree on that.”
Luc nodded. “We agree on a lot of things.”
“Like what?” she asked.