Luke. I’m waiting.
He was just about to follow her, figuring he’d better hurry, when he woke up.
His body was heaving like he’d been running, and he was short of breath. He’d fallen asleep in his clothes, which were so soaked they dampened the sheets as well. His clammy T-shirt stuck the front of his blue shirt tight against his chest.
He sat up to listen. He’d heard breathing. Or was it the ocean? He’d seen her slip under the sheets, but he was above the sheets in his tiny motel room.
He lay back into the white cotton pillows, staring through the blackness toward the ceiling he couldn’t see, and tears rolled from the outside corners of his eyes and onto the pillowcase. The torment and pain of knowing he was not whole scared him. Rolling to the side, he brought his knees to his chest. He buried his face in the cotton pillowcase, bringing one arm over his ears to block any sounds of her breathing or her heartbeat. If she called his name he didn’t want to hear it.
He began to cry in the dark and all alone, hoping sleep would come soon and give him peace.
Chapter 9
‡
JULIE GOT A call on her cell from a number she didn’t recognize. It was a San Diego area code, so she figured it was one of Stephanie’s friends.
It was Luke.
“I hope you don’t mind.”
Part of her wanted to tell him to go to hell, but she heard something in his voice that alerted her concern. “I don’t mind. Are you all right, Luke?”
He paused for a few seconds. She heard traffic in the background on his end of the line. He was outside somewhere, or near an open window.
“No.” He cleared his throat and, into the silence he asked, “Are you still there?”
“Yes, Luke. I’m here.”
“I wanted to apologize for my behavior—”
“Where are you?” she asked.
“Over at Aroma Roasters.”
She looked at her bedside clock. It was nearly seven thirty. “You want some company?”
“Not sure it’s a very good idea, Julie.”
“Then why did you call me?”
“To apologize. I thought since we were going to be family from now on, we should bury the hatchet.”
“Which hatchet? The one between my shoulder blades or the one between yours?”
“Funny.”
She heard his breathing; it was a little raspy, like he was shaking between breaths. The smooth, confident sailor she’d been with that magic night had turned into a teenage boy, she thought.
“Why don’t you give me a few minutes, and I’ll come over and we can have breakfast.”
“I don’t think it’s necessary. I said what I had to say.”
“So you don’t want to have breakfast with me?”
“Julie, talking to you is…hard. This is me, apologizing.”
“Yes, and you haven’t answered my question yet, Luke.”
After a brief pause he said, “Yes, I would like to have breakfast with you.”
“I’ll see you in thirty minutes.”
Julie scrambled to the shower. She washed her hair and shaved everything she could. She put on a black panties and bra set. Slipped her legs into her straight-legged jeans that were perhaps just a little too small. Put on a white cotton long-sleeved T-shirt. She checked to be sure she could see the black bra through the cotton fabric.
Perfect.
She bunched her hair into a crystal-studded clip, applied a little pressed powder and fresh, red-cherry lip-gloss. She added a little color to her cheeks and applied mascara and some pearl white eyelid powder. Last she walked through the spritzer of cologne.
And then she took a good look in the mirror.
“What are you doing, Julie?”
The face stared back at her, looking perky and bubbly. Her lipstick was too red. Her blush a little too deep pink. The shadow of her black bra too obvious. She’d put on too much perfume.
She removed the hair clip, wiped off the blush with a damp washcloth, dabbed off some of the perfume and changed her shirt to a black one. She kept her jeans. She brushed her hair down smooth, tucked it behind her ears, and left it plain.
Aroma Roasters smelled wonderful and fresh. The place was packed with people sipping espressos at small tiled tables, or bellying up on stools at the hammered copper counter overlooking the street. The scream of the machines punctuated the air. Taking a deep breath, she searched the room from right to left and spotted him in a shadowed corner. His chin rested against his fist, propped up by his elbow resting on the tabletop.
He was watching her, but didn’t get up until she began to walk in his direction. She knew if she’d missed him somehow, he would have stayed seated and just let her go. Something in her heart ached over the man’s coldness.
“What can I get you?” he asked.
“Just a cappuccino.”
“I’ll be right back,” he said stiffly. She watched several women eye him appreciatively and give her a close inspection. He waited in line, got two cappuccinos, and then returned to the table.
She folded one forearm over the other as she watched him take a sip of the hot coffee, leaving a little foamed milk on his upper lip he licked away with the rough tongue that had done things to her body. She found it difficult to be angry with him, but decided not to open the conversation, instead to just watch and see where it led on its own.
He frowned and linked his fingers together on the tabletop. “Julie, I want to explain a couple of things to you. It was suggested I call you to apologize, and maybe give you a little explanation of what’s been going on with me.”
“Fair enough,” she tried to look and sound neutral. She reminded herself she had the handy-dandy disclosure statement tucked away somewhere in her mind, so she could prove to herself she’d been properly warned in case something happened which turned out to be painful.
He licked his lips, and then bit down on a small corner, turning his head to study the street outside. When he directed his gaze back to her, the blue eyes bathed her body in tingles, warming her all over. Unlike before, when she’d been sitting this close to him in the restaurant the morning when everything fell apart, this time she could see his eyes were filled with things he didn’t want to say.
“Julie, almost two years ago, I was engaged.” He twisted an imaginary ring around his fourth finger.
She’d heard “was engaged” and relaxed. It was, after all, in the past.
“I’d gotten her pregnant. I was going to do the right thing and marry her.” His eye blinked several times. “We went down to visit her parents in Florida to tell them the news.”
She braced herself for something she was pretty sure she wasn’t going to like. Is there a love child, Luke?
He traced the rim of the white mug with his forefinger. The dusting of dark hair on the backs of his hands looked so sexy. She tracked it with her eyes until it disappeared under the cuff of his blue shirt. Again he looked away before turning back to focus on her face, eyes gently dropping to her lips this time, and then honestly returning hers.
“I loved her, Julie. I hadn’t planned to get married, but I did love her, and I wanted to be the man she expected me to be.”
“Okay. So far so good.” Julie had the urge to take one of his hands in hers, but resisted the temptation.
He took in a deep breath and then let it out. “I’d had a difficult time overseas, and was considering perhaps not re-upping this next cycle. So, I thought maybe this was a sign I should consider getting out of the Teams to do something ancillary, perhaps go private, stateside.”
Julie nodded, and waited.
“So we went down to see her folks, to tell them we’d decided to get married. We didn’t tell them about the baby yet. Perhaps we should have.” He sat back and looped his thumbs into his jeans belt loops. “I hadn’t been sleeping very well. I guess I was tired. I fell asleep and—” he swallowed, his chin down, hanging his head. After he dropped his eyes, he whispered, “I crashe
d the car and she was killed.”
Julie found it difficult to look him in the eyes, but she did anyway. “It could have happened to anyone.”
“But it happened to me,” he whispered, “and to her.”
Julie leaned forward and touched his hand. “And it wasn’t your fault. Don’t you see that?”
“I had no business being behind the wheel with my lack of sleep. I wasn’t careful, and I misjudged my reaction time. I should have known it.”
“You made an honest mistake, Luke. Ask me how many times I’ve fallen asleep on trips from San Diego to visit my parents here. I can think of half a dozen times when I was too tired, shouldn’t have been driving, and was just lucky nothing happened.”
He nodded, looking thoughtful.
“Why do think there’s a ‘but’ in there somewhere?” she ventured.
“With Stephanie in San Diego, I decided to transfer to one of the west coast teams. I thought it would be a fresh start.”
Her heart ached for him, for the torment he bore so bravely.
“And it worked, in a way. I worked up with Team 3, went overseas with the group. Two days before we were to come home, I was catching some quick Z’s—just long enough for the young Marine who was covering for me to get hit with a round. He died in my arms.”
“Thank goodness you were there to hold him,” she said. She could tell her comment startled Luke.
“No, he died because of me. Just like—just like Camilla.”
Julie then placed her palm over his fist. “You didn’t kill either one of them, Luke. They made decisions, too, which contributed to what happened. It’s nobody’s fault.”
He stared down at her fingers as they covered his. He released them to her care when he allowed their hands to merge.
“I remember this,” he whispered.
Oh, God. She did too. The feel of him under her hands. The feel of his hands on her. The importance of touch to a starving soul. He had taken on the burdens of the whole world and held himself responsible for them.
Tears silently ran down his cheeks while he lifted her fingers to his lips and kissed the tips. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Julie. I—well, you remind me of her.”
He didn’t let go of her hand. “I thought I should just leave. Would be better for you if I just left. So I did.”
She extended her arm further and brushed the side of his cheek with the back of her other hand. “Except it hurt. It hurt real bad, Luke. You see, I didn’t want you to go.”
He brought his other hand on top of their entwined fingers.
She thought about it for a second, doing a quick gut check. Was she up to this? Although she knew it wasn’t wise, she decided she was. “And I still don’t.”
Chapter 10
‡
THEY WALKED IN the early morning sunlight to where he’d parked his car. She recognized the feel of the tan leather, and the smell of it mixed with his own personal scent, as he helped her in. Time stood still as she watched him walk in front of the car and then open the driver-side door to take his place behind the wheel.
He hadn’t asked her to come with him to his room at the large hotel downtown, but she knew it’s where he was taking her.
He held her hand possessively while they walked over the carpeted hallway to the upstairs room, where he inserted his key card, and escorted her inside.
She knew there were no easy answers for Luke’s struggles, and she’d need resources she wasn’t sure she had in order to be able to support him while he found the right direction. Julie also knew she couldn’t walk the path for him, that it was a journey he would have to take, feel comfortable taking, alone. There was no way she could take away the pain or share his burden, no matter how hard she might grow to want to in time.
But she could make sure he knew he was loved. Was that what she felt right now? Probably not. They barely knew each other, even though, because of their intense passion for each other, they’d shared a level of intimacy she’d never experienced before. But it was too soon to call it love. And it would be unhealthy for her to do so, regardless of whether it was good for him.
Her students this year had been an especially bright and creative bunch. They were unruly on many days, and this seemed to be happening more frequently. Or maybe she was learning to be more patient with them, letting them explore more and spend less time focused on strict obedience of the rules.
She could almost see in Luke some of the same things she occasionally saw in those scared little faces when they were frustrated, trying to learn a new concept, or pushing to find out where their boundaries lay. Her job in the classroom was to ignite and stimulate their curiosity and not turn them off to a life of learning, exploration. First she had to earn their trust, and then they’d follow. She’d learned early on she couldn’t force a lesson plan on them, just as she couldn’t force compliance. They had to want to be good students.
The hotel room was dark, even though it was morning and there was not a cloud in the sky. The drapes were closed, and he did not turn on the lights.
She swallowed hard. A trickle of fear traveled down her spine, as she suddenly thought this might be unwise. The promise of great sex was in the air. She could easily fall right back into where they’d been before, in her own words, “entangled” between the sheets. But it would mean ignoring the huge red flags surrounding him. He’d already told her of a tortured past. Now she began to worry if perhaps he wasn’t being totally truthful with her.
Were his tears intended to snag her heart, make her do something unsafe and unwise?
Images of her former boyfriend, Dan, flashed in front of her eyes. He was a young Navy recruit she’d met at a back-to-school night. He’d said he came with his niece, who was in another grade, a different class than Julie’s. Said he was filling in for his sister, who was out of town.
Why did men have to lie? She’d found out, after several all-consuming nights with him, that he was indeed married, plus having a string of kids born outside his marriage all over the globe.
Was it happening again?
Luke sat on the bed and pulled her towards him.
“I’m not sure I can do this, Luke.”
His roaming hands stopped immediately and he stood, brushing her aside.
He began pacing back and forth at the end of the bed. She didn’t think he was faking some intense emotional turmoil.
“I’m sorry. This was my fault. Again.”
She felt sorry for the man whose chest was heaving, whose breathing was labored, and who kept restlessly running his fingers through his hair.
“By accident I’ve learned a few things about you and your family,” she began. “But I’m still not getting any answers from you, Luke. What is this all about, then? You want sex, but you don’t want to talk? You want to take from me and you don’t want to give?”
She watched for signs he was getting angry. If she saw any signs of it, she’d be gone in a heartbeat.
“Talk to me, Luke. Tell me something, so I don’t have to ask. It’s a good place to start.” She walked over to the drapes. “May I open these a little?”
“Sorry. Of course. I hadn’t noticed.” He quickly moved past her and began pulling the sides back, his arms grazing against her backside unintentionally. All the heat began pooling between her thighs again.
Damn.
Her ache for him was dulling her common sense.
What he did next made all the difference. Sitting on the edge of the bed, facing the light streaming in from the window, he patted his thigh. “Come here, Julie. Please. No reason to be afraid of me. I would never do anything, ever, to hurt you.”
She did as he asked. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her face to his chest, tucking her just under his chin. His hands didn’t roam. He held her quietly.
“Camilla was a teacher, just like you. In fact, she also taught elementary school.”
Julie arched back to examine his face.
“You remind me of her. I
think it makes it even harder, for me at least.”
She didn’t want to ask, but she had to. “Am I a substitute for someone you miss?”
He didn’t pull her towards him to try to convince her. “God, no, Julie. It just surprised me. All the guilt about causing the accident came flooding back to the surface, and I went right into shut-down mode.” He pressed his forehead against hers and took hold of her hands in one of his. “I’m in counseling now, and I’ve learned a few things. It’s one of the reasons I wanted to apologize.”
She smoothed his fingers, aware that their entanglement was deepening.
And she didn’t care.
“I was told not to expect you’d forgive me. Or to hang my getting better on whether or not you wanted to have anything to do with me anymore.”
She placed her palms on his cheeks. “I’m not going anywhere, Luke. I’m right here.”
She’d forgotten how much she’d missed his kiss. When their lips met, it was so natural to open to him, let him taste her, feel his mouth claiming her and let their tongues mingle. When he groaned, she felt his need, his loneliness rise to the surface. She gave him back everything she could, kissing his eyes, his temples, fondling the hair at the nape of his neck.
“God, Luke. I never realized how much I’d missed you until right now.”
“Baby. Stay with me. Don’t go, sweetheart.”
“Yes.” There was nowhere else she could go. Her whole world was right here in this room with her.
He slid his fingers under her cotton shirt, squeezing her breast as she recalled her naughty black satin bra. He bit the side of her neck and she hissed, arching back, pressing herself against his torso. She kissed every button she unbuttoned down his chest, flicking his skin with the tip of her tongue, drinking of the salty, musky scent of him. She heard the vibration of his guttural response when her lips touched his chest, her tongue encircled his nipples, and her teeth nipped at him gently.
SEAL My Destiny (SEAL Brotherhood) Page 5