by P J Mann
She shook her head, smiling, and kissed him. “I love you, Saul.”
“I love you too, Cassandra.” He really meant it. She was the first and only woman he would have in his life. She understood him and his feelings about his slavery.
Slavery under Marcus Tiberius was not an unbearable burden to carry, but he could not be sure about Flavius. Caius’ warning about being used as a sexual object echoed his soul.
He could have accepted it from Marcus Tiberius but felt scared about being used like that by Flavius. Of course, he could not avoid it if this was his master’s desire.
Why can I accept being used for sex by Marcus Tiberius and not by Flavius? Am I in love with him? We shared moments of tenderness, but despite our kisses, we never reached the complete sexual act. Do I wish it had happened?
He had no answers to his questions; he just wanted to be able to choose for his future.
Too quickly, the day dawned when Saul became Flavius’ property.
Claudia’s family provided the house and the other slaves for the new family, as Flavius’ parents bore the responsibilities of the ceremony, the furniture for the house, textiles, and Saul, as promised.
The celebrations lasted for days, keeping the slaves busy preparing and cleaning up into the early hours of each morning. Saul didn’t have time to be worried about his future life as he concentrated on his duties, alongside the other slaves with whom he would be living. He barely saw Claudia for the whole length of the celebration. He was assigned to the preparations of the new house for the young couple. That was a decision taken by Flavius to avoid any sort of conflict between Claudia and Saul, at least during the celebrations and banquets.
Nara, a twenty-year-old slave from Greece, had a particular way of looking at people as if trying to penetrate the inner part of their souls to understand their thoughts and their true nature. His former Master had died, and he was sold, together with the other possessions, by the sons.
He was born a slave, so he knew nothing about freedom and considered his status natural. Nara never dreamt of being free, and because of this, Saul thought he would understand him better.
“What would I ever do with freedom? Why should I need that? If I were free, I probably wouldn’t be able to take care of myself,” Nara said as they sat down together during a break. You can’t imagine what I felt when my Master died in my arms as I was begging the gods to take my life instead of his.”
His voice trembled
“Was he old?”
“Forty-five when a severe fever took his life. I felt terrible.”
Saul thought about Marcus Tiberius. Will I feel the same way when my old Master dies?
“Do you already know our Masters?” Nara asked.
Saul glanced down at his hands and started to explain briefly something about Flavius and the complicated relationship that bonded them and to his old master, Marcus Tiberius.
“Were you his lover?”
“Whose?” Saul asked, surprised.
“His father’s or Flavius’; well, no matter whose lover you were, but were you?”
“No, of course not. I was bought by his father to help him with translations and during his trips.”
“Well, maybe Flavius wanted you as his lover,” Nara explained.
Saul stared at him with big eyes, not understanding what Nara was saying or how he could come to this conclusion.
“No, I don’t think my Masters are interested in me in that way,” he replied, not honestly sure of what he was saying.
“I was my master’s lover. After his wife died, I shared his lonely nights. I cannot say if he loved me, but I did love him. My mother was one of his slaves, and I was his own since I was born. I am not expecting you to understand what I mean; you have been brought to slavery, maybe you see things differently. A slave can be used in many ways, and if you think it is offensive to become a lover, you are wrong. That is a privilege recognized by the other slaves,” Nara said with a grave expression in his eyes, as his hand grabbed Saul’s.
“I can’t see any privilege.”
“First of all, you are treated better, and slaves take care of your health and beauty.” Nara started to enunciate, counting with the fingers on his hand.
“You don’t have to work hard, as your duty is that of being at your master’s side, something like a wife. The bad point is that other slaves can become jealous, but your Master will always defend you. So, think twice; if your Master wants you, feel honored.”
Saul considered his new friend’s words. Maybe he was right, but he felt he would only accept being Marcus Tiberius’ lover. He was not sure he could trust Flavius as a Master or a friend.
“Flavius almost scares me. He has become more authoritarian, maybe too much, since I last saw him. In the beginning, I hoped he would become a strong Master like his father, but not that much, and I still find myself in the middle of their fights.”
“You are in the middle because at least one Master wants you for himself. If you are sure it is not the father, for sure it is the son.” Nara said with the tone of a person who knows exactly what he is talking about.
Saul shook his head. “Let’s not talk about it anymore, please. You were asking about our Masters. As for Flavius, I think that as long as we follow his orders, there won’t be any problem, nor will there be any unfair treatment. However, Claudia is a very difficult mistress. It seems that she enjoys humiliating and mistreating the slaves. I have known this aspect of her, and God knows that I have been praying not to be given away.”
“What is your belief?” Nara asked.
“I am a Jew. Well, I don’t know if there is a God for me anymore, but in principle I am,” he replied, baffled by the simple yet complicated question.
“I supposed so when you mentioned only one God. There is a God for everyone. Isn’t yours saying that you need to suffer to reach the heavens?”
Saul shrugged. “Sort of. My father said we might not have deserved the freedom my people gained, and we were paying our dues for our pride. I know nothing about pride. I was just eleven years old when the Roman militia irrupted in our house. During the trek to Rome, I thought the Romans were the cruelest and most selfish people in the world until Marcus Tiberius bought me. He showed me even a Roman can have mercy and be fair; even though he enslaved me, I felt cared about. He let me go to school, and he guided me as a father would. I owe him everything.”
“I am glad I met you. I really like you, Saul,” Nara said.
Saul put his hand on Nara’s shoulder. “I don’t know how our lives will be once everything settles down, but it is comforting to I have a person like you at my side.”
After the celebrations ended, everything settled into a routine entirely different from the one in Marcus Tiberius’ house. The tension between the supposedly happy new weds was palpable. Flavius never had any tenderness toward the bride. Also, his smiles resembled the grins of a wild beast, rather than the one belonging to a man. Claudia could not hide her hurt feelings and constantly seemed under pressure. At times, she almost seemed on the verge of a nervous breakdown, which she could barely control.
Despite the efforts spent by them to keep a harmonious relationship, peace seemed something hard to achieve. Raised voices and sharp tones rang through the halls of the house. The slaves paid the price for the disharmony. The punishment meted out by Flavius was rare and justified, but Claudia beat the slaves to discharge her frustration— frustration at being second to Flavius’ work, and frustration at being second to Saul, who spent almost every day with her husband, and sometimes the nights as well.
One night, on his way to bed, Saul saw candlelight dancing on the walls of Flavius’ working room. He stood in the doorway. “Master, aren’t you going to sleep?”
Flavius grabbed his face between his hands and stood from his chair. “I am trying my best with Claudia, but it never seems to be enough. What should I do?”
Saul walked toward him. “I guess you weren’t meant to be togeth
er as your parents were, but perhaps you should ask her this question. It seems to me that you are keeping her in the background. If you let her be more in your life, possibly things would work better.”
“I don’t know, Saul, maybe you’re right. We are totally different. I don’t like the way she rages against her slaves. She seems to enjoy seeing the fear in their eyes; I prefer the calm I always see in yours,” he said, caressing Saul’s face with the back of his hand.
Saul thought of Caius’ words about being used as a lover, and Nara’s words about it being a privileged position. Among all the slaves, Saul was treated better and felt safer from Claudia’s storms. Flavius’ constant presence protected him.
The touch of Flavius’ lips on his returned him to the present, and his senses melted into that tenderness. He thought about the many times Cassandra had kissed him. Flavius was as tender as she was.
Flavius entwined his fingers with Saul’s and led him to the bedroom. The Master became a lover, and the slave had the illusion of being equal to him. When both lay sated, they cuddled in each other’s arms, returning to the roles of the Master and slave.
“Saul, I want to spend the entire night holding someone I love in my arms. I want to sleep with you by my side. I need to feel the warmth of your body and soul against me,” he whispered.
To Saul’s surprise, the words “I love you, Master” passed his lips without thought.
Was he in love with his Master? Was it possible for a slave to love his Master as Nara claimed, or was love something different? He had no answers.
He was sure he loved Cassandra because he didn’t want to look around for a girl when he went to the tavern with Caleb. Was that what he felt for Flavius? It was maybe the same kind of affection a pet feels for the Master who takes care of it, for the hand which feeds him and gives shelter, protection, and love. Was that love, he wondered as he returned his master’s kisses.
Perhaps that’s what it was: love.
Nara was again right, and the reason for the arguments between Flavius and his father was jealousy.
As he had him to himself, his soul regained serenity; the one he experienced before the wedding, and with those thoughts, he slowly fell asleep in Flavius’ arms.
The morning after, they both woke before sunrise, and Saul helped his Master to dress
“Next month, I need you to accompany me on one trip. It won’t last long, but I have to take care of a business matter, and I don’t trust anybody else. Also, I will need your services.”
“Yes, Master; it will be a pleasure to travel with you,” he said, adjusting his master’s toga.
“You are so beautiful,” said Flavius, tracing the lines of Saul’s naked body with his eyes. He reached for him and kissed his cheek before leaving to breakfast with Claudia.
“I see you prefer to stay far from your wife even at night,” Claudia spat as she met him at the table.
“Claudia, I am sorry about our argument. I needed time to think about what is going so wrong and why we constantly argue about the same old issues.” He struggled to hide his frustration.
Surprise registered in her brown eyes. “I am sorry too, but I can’t understand why you prefer a slave to me. You put me second in your life; I am never a priority. I understand you don’t love me, and I don’t expect that, but I would appreciate your respect.” Tears glistened.
“As I told you before our wedding, Saul is not just a slave to me; he is the most valuable tool for my job. He has always been a trusted friend.”
“… And the person you prefer to spend your nights with,” she snapped.
“Why do you take it so seriously? I am not the only one who has sex with a slave. I bet you are no stranger to this practice either.”
“Flavius, I am not talking about a Master having sex with his slaves; I am talking about a man ignoring his wife to give attention to his slave. Can’t you understand?” her voice trembled as her hands reached the mid-air.
Flavius remained for a moment to consider her words, That’s true, but if it’s not love and respect that bounds us, what can I do? Should I just pretend? Can I pretend for the rest of our lives?
A slave arrived to bring more food and drink to them. “Disappear!” Claudia snapped as the slave remained waiting for orders at the side of a room.
“Why do you need to be so sour toward them? if you would treat your slaves in a fairer way, they will be loyal to you.”
“They are nothing but animals. They don’t deserve anything; even your Saul would slaughter you given a chance.”
Thoughts of time away with Saul lightened his mood. “Well, he will have the opportunity next month. I am going on a business trip, and he is coming with me.”
“Then I will need to arrange your funeral.” Bitterness and sarcasm marred her voice.
“Not so fast, my beloved wife. I will be back home, safe and sound.” He hugged her, then nuzzled her neck. “If you were less negative, we could have a peaceful life. Think about it.”
He left the house to go to the Forum, where he attended to his working duties, while Claudia remained leaned on the couch at the breakfast table, thinking about what he said.
Claudia still felt sour about Flavius’ behavior and decided to spend some time at the Thermae, and maybe visit Flaminia.
Standing, she called a slave to accompany her, then left the house.
Not paying attention to where she was walking, she startled when a male voice called, “Claudia.”
She turned in its direction and recognized Caius, Flavius’ old friend. “Caius, this is a surprise.”
“Enjoying the nice weather?” he asked casually.
“I am not enjoying anything recently,” she replied melancholically.
“A beautiful woman like you should never frown. What is it that makes you so sad?”
She blushed at the compliment and scrutinized him from beneath lowered eyelids. He was a handsome man. If she wasn’t in love with Flavius and Caius wasn’t already married, she would have considered flirting with him.
She shook her head. “Thank you, Caius, you are always very kind. I wish Flavius were as kind as you.”
He smiled sorely. “I am sorry to know that he cannot see your beauty. I would have never set aside a woman like you.”
“You are flattering me. Aren’t you happy with your wife?”
“She died one year ago…” His voice trembled, recalling the illness that took her away from him.
Claudia lowered her gaze. She almost felt ashamed for having reminded him about her death. “I didn’t know. I am so sorry,” she whispered.
“Never mind, I am slowly going through it. We didn’t get married because of political or economic advantage. Our engagement wasn’t set up by our families, and I really loved her.”
“Why don’t you visit us one of these days? Flavius would be pleased to have you as a guest.”
“What about you?”
“What do you mean?” she asked, unsure of what he meant.
He took her hand. “Would you be pleased if I visited you?”
She retracted her hand and shifted her gaze away from him. It was the first time a man showed interest in her since her marriage.
“I… I would,” she blushed, then turned around and rushed her steps away, followed by the slave who accompanied her.
“I don’t feel like I want to go to the Thermae anymore; we’re going home.”
She walked faster toward her house, her heart thumping, and she could not shake the memory of his hand holding hers. What am I thinking? I should not allow this to happen; I am already married, and I love Flavius. Although, if only Flavius…No, I cannot think about Caius.
Upon reaching home, she went to her bedroom, asking to be disturbed only in case of an emergency. She remained on the bed all day trying to make sense of the confusion in her mind.
When Saul entered the kitchen seeking something to eat, he met Nara, held by Julius, who was taking care of the young slave’s bleeding nose
.
“What happened to you?” Saul asked.
“It seems like our mistress didn’t appreciate Nara disturbing her in the bedroom,” replied Julius. He didn’t even look at Saul, he just kept Nara’s face upwards, cleaning the nose with a wet tissue.
“There you go. This evening, you won’t even remember she hit you. I'll take a look at you before going to sleep.”
“Thank you, Julius, I already feel better,” Nara replied as Julius left the room.
“I am sorry for what happened. I feel like somehow it is my fault,” Saul said.
“But it isn’t. You are just one of the many excuses for her to hit the girls who take care of her hair and beauty, and me. Besides, I feel good to have proven to you that being the lover of your Master is a privileged position.”
Saul chuckled. “Yes, you were correct on many issues. I don’t think he loves me, and I don’t know whether I love him. For me, it is mostly gratitude for taking care of me. Maybe Claudia is right when she associates a slave to an animal. Eventually, we do feel the same gratitude a pet would feel for the Master that feeds and cares for it.”
“I never felt like an animal with my previous Master. I loved him with all my heart. Possibly, I felt like he was a father, or as the person without whom I would have been nothing at all,” Nara replied.
“That is even worse than being compared to an animal. Here in Rome, we are nothing, and thinking about it doesn’t help at all. We should continue our life, serving our Master loyally, hoping never to raise their anger.
“Let’s not talk about it anymore. Maybe we can just talk about other issues, like how not to get punished in a more severe way than a bleeding nose by our mistress,” Nara grimaced.