by Nikki Groom
Sadie places her hands on my hips behind me and rests her head between my shoulders.
“I don’t know what to do.” I shove my hands in my pockets and shrug.
“I know.” She nuzzles in closer, wrapping her arms tightly around my waist.
I take Sadie’s hand, unwrapping her from my waist and leading her away from the edge of the hilltop. We sit against a rock, her curled up into me, me holding on to her as if she were my lifeline. We stare up into the dark night sky, and I try to make sense of everything in my head.
What I’m battling with most is guilt.
“I should have stopped him.” I swallow hard, feeling the pain of the words that have just cut my tongue. It starts to consume me. The overwhelming guilt of not doing something sooner, of not seeing how badly he needed me, someone, anyone, to acknowledge the turmoil he was in.
“You couldn’t have done any more, Ramsey. You—”
“Don’t make excuses for me, Raven.” I pull my arms from around her and sit up, tucking my knees to my chin. She mirrors my posture, and we both stare out over the view.
“I was always responsible for him, you know? I parented him, to a degree. That’s what happens when your parents are assholes. He looked to me, for everything.” Sadie sits quietly, letting me talk it out without interruption. “I had to be independent. I had to make choices for both of us. He never had to do that. I never made him stand on his own two feet because I felt like it was my responsibility. I should have pushed him to be more independent. Maybe—”
“Ramsey.” Sadie sighs. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“It was my fault. Don’t you see?”
“No.” She turns toward me. “I don’t see. You did everything you could for your brother. Your whole life, you put him first. You put your life on the line, and you risked everything for him on many occasions. There was nothing you could have done last night.”
“I should have seen his pain!” I yell, my voice breaking with raw emotion.
“Maybe.” She shrugs. “Maybe he hid it so well that no one could have seen it. Maybe he didn’t even see it himself.”
“I saw it. On several occasions. But I didn’t do anything.”
“What could you have done?” she asks.
“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “Something, anything.”
“You’re hurting, Ramsey. I get that. You’re gonna blame yourself because Ruck’s not here to tell you otherwise. Would he blame you? Deep down, do you think he would want you to be beating yourself up over something that you had no control over?”
I think on her words. The strength that she shows and her belief in me make me wonder what I did to deserve such a woman in my life and at my side. Last night hurt her too. Not in the same way, but she’ll carry it around with her for the rest of her life. But she’s here. At my side. Reassuring me. “Don’t you blame him?” I turn to her.
Her eyes soften as she shakes her head gently. “No, Ramsey. I don’t blame him.”
“He held a gun to your fucking head.”
“I know. But his internal war was bigger. I’ll never forget last night as long as I live. The picture of…” Her voice drifts off, and she swallows hard. “Ramsey. We’re dealt what we’re dealt. You deal with it, or you die.”
“How did you get to be so strong?” I ask her. I have so much respect for her courage, her fierceness after everything she’s been through. She’s been exactly where I am. She lost her brother. Not in the same way, but she didn’t just lose her brother, she lost her mom too, and had to deal with everything else she went through that night. She’s still standing. Still fighting like a goddamn warrior.
She laughs under her breath and looks me in the eye. “Sometimes being strong is the only choice you have.”
“You’re not alone anymore, Sadie.” I kiss her hair.
“I know.” She smiles up at me. “Neither are you.”
I lean back against the rock with Sadie tucked into my side. “Ramsey?” she questions quietly.
“Yes, babe.”
“It’ll be okay.” She runs her fingers along the edge of my cut. “It won’t ever be the same, but it will be okay.”
We sit for a long time, watching the sky grow darker, making sense of everything and nothing at the same time. Just when I think I have everything balanced in my head, I’m fighting back tears with the very next breath.
“I can’t imagine my life without him in it,” I say out loud, as much to myself as to Sadie.
“I know.” She lays her palm on my chest and glances up at me. “You’ll always have your memories—no one can take those from you. Think of the good times.”
“He never really fit into the MC lifestyle. But it was when I remember him being happiest. I don’t know if he would have ever fit into any lifestyle. There was always a quiet unease with him. Maybe it was my fault. I don’t know.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” she says quietly.
“I don’t remember him ever laughing as a child. There wasn’t much that was fun about our life. His first fourteen years of life were fucking hard, even though I tried to shelter him, I couldn’t always be there,” I mutter to myself. I tried to always be there, to protect him from our parents and their selfish ways. But it wasn’t enough.
“You don’t get to see the stars without the darkness, Ram.” Sadie cuddles in closer and holds me tighter.
We’ve both lived in the darkness, and despite it all, with her by my side, I can see the Fire in the Stars.
Chapter 22
I close the door quietly behind me, letting Ramsey sleep. He’s barely slept in the five days since Ruck pulled the trigger and ended his own life, and it’s starting to take its toll on him. He hasn’t cried since that night up on the hill. In fact, he’s not talked about it at all, and I don’t know how to get him to open up. Despite his quietness, his pain is obvious to see. It’s evident in the way he moves, a bone-deep grief that he’s drowning in, and I don’t know how to help him out of it.
“Hey,” I call over to Lia at the kitchen door as I pass.
“Hey, sweet girl.” She smiles sadly back at me but continues to stir the huge pot of Chili she’s cooking to feed all the boys today. They’ve all stayed at HQ since that night, keeping close, showing solidarity, and Lia’s way of dealing with it all is to keep herself busy and look after everyone the only way she knows how. “How is he?” She drops the big wooden spoon in the sink and comes over to me.
I shrug. “He still hasn’t said much. Doesn’t want to eat. Doesn’t want to drink.”
“Give him time. With the funeral hanging over us, all the boys are feeling low.”
“Yeah.” I lean against the doorframe and pick at the skin on my fingers. “I just wish there was something I could do, you know?”
“Me too.” She rubs my arm gently.
“Are you doing okay?” I ask her. Ruck was like a son to her. They were close.
Her lip quivers and her eyes fill up with tears. “I’m fine.” She brushes down the front of her top and gets back to busying herself around the kitchen.
“Lia…”
“I know what you’re going to say, Sadie.” She talks over her shoulder, avoiding eye contact with me. “But I can’t break. The boys, JJ, they need us to be their strength, okay.” She turns and looks at me sternly. “They don’t need to be worrying about us all crying in the kitchen.”
“I know.” I step forward and take her hand. “But I want you to know that you have me, too. I’m here for you, Lia.”
She nods, but her usual warm hug doesn’t come because I’m sure she thinks it’ll break the dam that’s holding her grief back. She’s one of the strongest women I’ve ever met. Nothing matters more to her than JJ. For him, she’ll do anything.
“Lia, I was wondering if I could borrow your car…”
“What for, princess?” JJ’s voice grumbles over my shoulder, and I jump out of my skin. “Sorry,” he says, “I didn’t mean to startle you. “Where do you wan
t to go? I’ll have one of the boys drive you.”
“Thanks, but…” I chew on my lip wondering if this is really the time to assert my independence.
“Yes…” JJ widens his eyes, waiting for me to finish my sentence.
“I don’t like being dependent on anyone, JJ. I had my own car, my own life, my own free will. I just want to go to the store, pick up some…women’s things, and drive myself back. I’ll be careful, I promise.”
I’m craving freedom. Living here at HQ for the last few days, breathing the air that’s thick with grief and pain, and drowning in the heavy silence surrounding us all, is hard.
I just want an hour.
An hour where the outside world continues to live. An hour when life goes on, and no one knows my grief, just for a moment.
“Okay.” He surprises me by tossing up a set of keys from his pocket for me to catch.
“What, no resistance, no refusal?” I frown, still holding out my hand with the keys.
“You’re a grown woman. I’m not going to push you away by telling you what you can and can’t do. You’re not a prisoner, Sadie, that’s not how it works around here.” I glance over to Lia who raises her brow and a proud smile beams across her face. “How’s Ram?” JJ says, changing the subject.
“Pretty much the same.” I shrug. “He’s finally sleeping. I don’t know how long for, though. I’ll try and be back before he wakes.”
“I’ll check on him in a while,” Lia says, coming to my side.
“And are you doing okay, Princess?” JJ asks, stroking my cheek with his thumb and looking at me intensely.
“Yeah,” I say as convincingly as I can manage.
“C’mere.” He pulls me into him, wrapping me up in his protective arms and kissing me on the top of my head. “I guess I can’t keep you locked up in here forever.” He sighs.
“No.” I laugh gently.
“Go. Don’t be long. I don’t have to tell you to be vigilant, do I?”
“No different to how I’ve always lived.” I kiss his cheek and smile as I leave.
It feels so good to be behind the wheel again. Of course, I would have preferred it to have been my Camaro, but she’s not going anywhere in the near future. Poor thing is sitting in the corner of the yard looking like she’ll be used as a flower planter before long. But wheels are wheels, and that means freedom and independence to me. I refuse to live in fear of what may happen, and despite everything that went on with The Wolves, they seem to have backed off. Maybe they heard about Ruck’s death and actually have some respect.
But I do notice someone tailing me.
Razor.
Which means that JJ didn’t keep to his word and let me come to the store alone, but instead of being mad, I smile. Too much bad shit has happened around here lately, and he’s just protecting me. It feels good.
Razor slows right down as I glide into the parking space at the store. He’s trying to remain inconspicuous, but failing miserably. I laugh as I click the fob to lock the car doors, and give him a little wave as he crawls slowly down the street on his loud, unmistakable Harley. He lowers his head but soon realizes that there’s no way he can cover the fact that he’s there, tailing me.
I leave him hovering outside, strangely comforted by his presence despite insisting that I come alone and browse the aisles at the store. The simplicity of such everyday, mundane tasks, lifts some of the grief that’s weighed us all down over the last few days, and it’s a welcome reprieve even for just a few minutes.
“Sadie?” A voice startles me from my thoughts, and I turn to a familiar face.
It’s the girl from the police cell. For a second, my heart sinks. No matter what you do, no matter how far you come, or if you’ve moved on with your life, your past always taps you on the shoulder. “Uh.” I smile while trying to recall her name. “Carrie, isn’t it?”
“Yes. How are you doing?” she asks. I note the dark circles she still carries under her eyes, and if it’s at all possible, her frail body looks even thinner than before.
“Um…I’m good.” I smile, feeling like a complete hypocrite. I’m not good. I’m barely holding it together. It’s a brave front, one that I’ve perfected for years, but which is weakening with every tragedy that occurs. I’m pretty sure that the next time someone asks me how I am, I’m either gonna lose my mind and put a bullet in their head, or break down in a flood of tears at their feet. “Do you have somewhere to stay?” I ask out of concern, remembering how down on her luck she was. We shared a connection in that cell, even in such a short space of time. She risked a beating for nme, and I feel like I owe her.
“You know me,” she says, glancing around the aisle nervously.
“Here,” I say, pulling some money from my purse. “Have this. It’s not much, I know. But maybe you can get some food and a motel for the night… Fuck, I wish I could give you more, it’s just that—”
She places her hand over mine, silencing me. “Sadie, I don’t want your money.”
“Oh.” I frown.
“Are you in a hurry? Can we grab a coffee?”
“You want coffee?” She wants my time. Coffee and company for just a half-hour. How can I deny her that?
“Sure, there’s a cute little coffee shop just two doors down.” She links her arm in mine before I can protest, and practically drags me past the cashier without even giving me a chance to buy anything.
“What’s the hurry,” I question, pulling back slightly as she marches me out onto the sidewalk. “Is everything—”
A man steps in front of us, stopping us dead. “Hi, Sadie.”
I glance upward across a broad chest, a tattooed neck and familiar dark eyes. “Nate!” My mouth drops open as Carrie unhooks her arm from mine, and my mind races to comprehend what’s going on. I take a step back, desperately looking around for Razor, but he’s not anywhere to be seen. So I try to run, but I’m not fast enough, and Nate grabs me by my upper arms, pinning them tightly to my sides. “Sorry, Sadie. You ain’t getting away this time.” He grins—a sadistic, cruel offering, showing me a side that I’ve never seen before. It slams into my heart, making it skip a beat and struggle to regulate to a normal rhythm again.
“NO!” I yell, in the hopes that someone nearby will hear my cries and come to my aid. But a hand clamps around my mouth from behind. A dirty rag. A sweet, sickly taste is invading my mouth and nostrils as I try to scream.
“I’m sorry, Sadie,” I hear Carrie say as I start to lose my ability to fight. My head swims with darkness, and the last thing I see is Nate’s cruel smile.
Chapter 23
“Where did she go?” I yell at Lia. If it weren’t bad enough that I woke up and she wasn’t here, I’m now told that she went to the store. “You let her go on her own? What fucking store did she go to?” I tug at my hair out of sheer frustration, blowing breaths in and out faster than my body can process them.
JJ rounds the corner to the kitchen and slams his hands into my chest, balling my t-shirt up in his fists. His face is raging red. “If you ever speak to my wife like that again, Ramsey fucking Dalton, I will take your kneecaps out with a fucking crowbar. Do you fucking hear me?” he roars.
“Honey,” Lia says calmly, placing her hand on his arm. “I think everyone heard you. Let him go.” She tugs on his forearms, and his nostrils flare as he turns on his heel and starts to pace back and forth.
“She wasn’t on her own,” he says, stopping for a second to glare at me, but pacing again when his mind starts racing. “Razor tailed her. But he’s gone fucking AWOL.”
“You knew, too?” I ask him, holding out my hands in surprise. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
“She felt trapped, Ram. She was suffocating in the fucking grief that we’re all suffering from around here. She’s gone from a lonely but free life—to this.” He throws his hands up, his eyes darting around the kitchen. “This is fucking madness. The lot of it. Ruck had the best idea out of everyone here. That fucker is partying wi
th the Devil, while we’re all here crying into our fucking pillows,” he rants loudly, drawing attention from the bar area just next door.
“JJ.” I sigh, trying to calm the situation just a little. The last thing we need is for JJ to blow. That won’t help find Sadie.
“I’m going out to look for her,” he says, ignoring me. “Lia, where do you think she went?”
“I don’t know, I—”
“What store?” he yells, panic and worry overtaking everything.
“Maybe the small one on West 5th. There are a lot of stores, JJ.” Her voice trembles, and I put my arm around her shoulder.
“What did she want from the store, Lia?” I ask her quietly, feeling like a bastard for yelling at her earlier. We’re not getting anywhere by shouting at each other, and I hate the hurt look in her eyes.
“Women’s stuff, she said. I don’t know.” She frowns. “She could have asked me for anything she wanted, but she wanted a little freedom for a short time. How can you deny someone that, Ram?”
She’s right. I’ll happily live with no cell phone, no television, and very little contact with the outside world, but I have the choice to do what I’d like, the freedom of my own decisions. Sadie must have felt that she was trapped for the last few days. It’s been a hell of a ride around here lately—too much shit to deal with all at once. And for someone like Sadie, having no wheels, and being practically locked in these four walls due to the threat of The Wolves and my fear of losing her, she must have started to feel like a prisoner. Again, I blame myself. I should have seen that she needed to be her own person. I was foolish to think I could keep her from the rest of the world. The worst thing is that I don’t want to clip her wings. I don’t ever want her to feel trapped or like she’s here out of obligation. I want her to want to be here.
“Maybe she’s just fine. Maybe nothing has happened to her,” I muse, slipping my arm from Lia’s shoulder.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” JJ snaps.
“Maybe…” I take a huge breath, hating the words I’m about to say out loud, for it would be worse for this to be the case. “Maybe she just didn’t want to be here anymore.” Even as the words leave my lips, I don’t believe them. Sure, I guess it’s a possibility. But I felt her love. I can’t have imagined it, can I?