by M. Leighton
I swallow all the things I’d like to say to that, along with what’s left of my pride, and I do as she asks. I even manage to lower my eyes in a submissive way, but only so she can’t see the disdain glaring out at her from them. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m just…I’m just tired. You didn’t deserve that.”
After a few seconds, when she says nothing, I dare to look up. She’s clearly mollified by my act, as well she should be. That was good. Damn good. I surprised even myself. I probably deserve an award for that performance. That was some Oscar-worthy stuff right there.
“Fine. Just don’t let it happen again. I won’t tolerate it.” After a beat, she adds, “I hope you haven’t raised your daughter to be this disrespectful.”
I feel the press of my lips against my teeth as they want to thin, but I keep them loose and force them into a contrite smile.
“I didn’t. She’s a good girl. It won’t happen again. I’ll watch my tongue, Momma. I promise.”
“Good. Now, what is it that you’ve brought Celina here for then?”
I’m purposely vague. At least for now. I have to take this one slow step at a time. “Medical care.”
“Couldn’t you get her help in…wherever you lived?”
It’s almost comical that in fifteen years, my mother hasn’t bothered to find out where I was. “Maryland. We lived in Maryland. And yes, they had medical care there, but there are some really exciting therapies being developed at Duke. It’s not the type of sickness where she can get a shot or have a surgery and it goes away.”
“You think they’ll be able to cure her?”
“I hope so. She’d already progressed to needing transfusions, but they’re not as effective as they were early on, so… We need to see the specialists to find out what the next step is.”
Momma nods. At least I see some compassion in her eyes. Surely the snobby selfishness that plagues most of the residents of Shepherd’s Mill hasn’t killed off all her humanity.
“Well.” My mother sniffs in that haughty way that warns me I’m not going to like what comes next. Makes me want to rip her pert, upturned nose off. “You can stay here as long as you need to, but no funny business. You’ve caused this family enough pain.”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. I’ve caused this family pain? What a stinky load of horseshit.
Before I can respond with my thoughts on that, however, the beautiful, china-doll face of my daughter flashes through my head, and I roll over and play dead.
“No shenanigans. Scout’s honor.” I hold up two fingers in a peace sign. Momma slaps them down.
“Scouts are boys, for one thing. And it’s three fingers, not two. I swear to goodness. You haven’t changed a bit.”
That I actually take as a compliment. Although I have changed—quite a bit, in fact—from the moldable, sheep-like girl I was before I left this town, she thought I was rebellious. Bullheaded. Stubborn. Too stubborn to fit into a society like this. The fact that she still sees those traits in me is the first nice thing she’s said to me in going on fifteen years.
I tuck my hands behind me and interlock my fingers, suppressing a smile. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t let us stay, so this is a good sign. A very good sign.
For all her bluster, she’s still Momma. And for all the heartache she’s caused me, I’ve missed her.
“Get your things. Put your daughter in the third bedroom. It’s quieter. And, for heaven’s sake, change your clothes before dinner. You look like a street urchin.”
I glance down at my jeans with a hole in the knee (my favorite ones) and my lime green tee with Slice written across the front. I want to point out that at least my sneakers are clean, mainly because they’re black, but still…
However, I don’t. No sense poking the bear on day one.
She turns and walks stiffly toward the door, but I stop her before she can disappear. “Momma?”
She stops and angles the upper half of her body back at me. She arches one brow, clearly still miffed.
“Please be nice to Celina. She…she’s had a tough go of it lately. She could really use another person in her corner.” Color stains her cheeks, so before she can get really good and mad, I add, as sincerely as I possibly can without getting down on all fours and kissing her ass, “Please.”
Momma’s nostrils flare in irritation, and when she pivots to fully face me, my optimism flags. I think for a split second that this is never going to work. I shouldn’t have come back. I should’ve tried to think of something, anything else. But, thankfully, her words belie her expression. “She seems to be a lovely girl. Why on earth wouldn’t I be nice to her? She’s my grandchild.”
I exhale.
She’s my grandchild.
That’s what I wanted to hear. What I needed to hear. That there is some attachment, some connection she feels to her.
While I hoped against hope that I could still depend on Momma, I wasn’t one hundred percent certain. I wanted her support. Needed her support. Even if it’s like this—grudging—I need it. For my daughter. For my sweet Celina. I’d do anything for her. Even this.
“Thank you, Momma. Truly.”
She scoffs at me. “Really, Brinkley. Don’t be so dramatic. What did you expect?”
“I don’t know. I guess I was just nervous. It’s been a long time.”
“That it has.”
She waits semi-patiently for me to finish, so I let her off the hook.
“I also wanted to say I…I’m sorry. For your loss.”
I just can’t bring myself to say, I’m sorry Alton is dead. I actually felt like doing a cartwheel in our apartment when I read the article about his passing from a fatal brain aneurysm. But I don’t tell her that. To my mother, it was a loss, and I can at least be sorry for her.
“Thank you.” She nods graciously and walks away.
I let out a breath when she’s gone, my optimism returning. Maybe this can work. Maybe, after all this time, more than just Celina can find healing here.
1989
17 Years Old
Chapter 10
“Wait, what? You think Dane James is hot?”
Cassie Shields was staring down the hall at him like he was a piece of chocolate pie with extra whipped cream. “Everyone thinks Dane James is hot, you dumb ass.”
That was news to me. Maybe because I’d always seen something special in him, I missed the moment in time when everyone else started seeing it, too. And that bothered me.
Even though I’d kept my distance since that night I came back from the rock to find Alton in my room, in some way I still considered Dane James to be mine. If we were in a different town, and I had a different family, he would be mine. And I would be his. My heart didn’t seem to care that we weren’t in a different town, or that I didn’t have a different family, or that he wasn’t mine. It only knew that I was his, that he owned me, whether he wanted me or not.
“Okay, fine. Whatever, but him being hot doesn’t change anything.”
I wanted to add, Does it?
But I dared not.
I couldn’t risk Cassie seeing that it mattered to me.
“It doesn’t make him marriage material. Or even take-him-home-to-meet-Momma material. But it sure as hell makes him take-me-now material.”
She made a guttural noise in her throat, a sound that told me she was on the prowl. I panicked. “Well, that’s ridiculous. Who would risk it?”
“Ummmm, every girl in school.” She swung to face me, frowning. “Where have you been? This is not news, Brinkley.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I just never thought Dane James was an option. That’s all.”
“Well, let’s see.” She started ticking off items on her perfectly manicured fingers. “He’s hot. Check. He’s the quarterback, and a kick ass one at that. Check. He’s hot. Double check. He’s pretty much running your step daddy’s operation now, so all the important people treat him like a prized stud horse. Check again. And he’s hot. Did I
already mention that? Because he is. So hot.”
I gulped. “He still isn’t one of us.”
She sent a glare over to me. “God, when did you become such a snob?”
“Me?” I was incredulous.
“Who’s a snob?” Lauren’s face appeared between my head and Cassie’s, and she, too, stared down the hall at Dane. “Look at the ass on that boy.”
I turned to look at my best friend (who also happened to be my worst enemy at times). “Not you, too.”
“Not me too what?”
“You’re not on this Dane James kick, are you?”
“Not really. He’s hot, but he’s all wrong.”
“That’s what I was just telling Cassie and she called me a snob.”
“You are. But that’s not the point. Just because he isn’t one of us doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate him from a distance.” I saw her wink at Cassie. “Or maybe even up close and personal a time or two. I’d be happy to slum it for a guy like that. At least when no one is looking.”
Cassie and Lauren laughed, bumping hips in agreement, while I stood by watching, completely confused and utterly dismayed. What would happen if Dane suddenly came off the no-fly list? I’d have to watch all my friends go after him, listen to them talk about him, imagine all sorts of awful things, yet never be able to say a word. And never be able to walk the halls with him myself. Even if the town accepted him, I couldn’t. Alton’s ultimatum still rang in my mind. Unless he were to approve of Dane in a strange turn of events, he would always be off-limits to me. Even at night.
I felt sick.
I supposed I’d seen the signs. Dane James had exploded. Any time his name was mentioned, I took note. He’d become sort of a hero among the have-nots, and he was even well-tolerated among the haves. To his work peers, men decades older than him, he was admired and respected for his knowledge and his strength alike. To his social peers, he was almost idolized. Dane was like a Minor League Baseball player who’d been called up to the big show. And to the affluent, the people in Shepherd’s Mill who “mattered,” he was the prized stud horse that Cassie mentioned, a diamond that had been awaiting discovery in the pasture.
His sensation around town only intensified when he started playing football. He was smart, quick, and agile, yet had some size to him, so it was no big surprise that he did well. At least not to me. Then again, I’d seen the remarkable traits of Dane James since I was twelve years old.
After three games of the town watching him throw touchdown after touchdown, he was officially a star and everybody wanted a piece of him. Suddenly, he was good enough for the guys to befriend him and good enough for the girls to be seen with him. Well, all the girls except for a few. Girls like Lauren Stringer and Cassie Shields were still forbidden, by mothers, fathers, and society, to do much more than cheer for him or to say hello in passing. After all, the elite of Shepherd’s Mill had to maintain some kind of standard, and a guy like Dane James, no matter how smart, how capable, how valuable, or how talented, would just never be good enough. Keeping him in his place was their way of maintaining order in a time of chaos.
I just never thought any of my friends would want him. He’d always been invisible to them. At least I think so. Maybe all this was just invisible to me.
Dane James was my blind spot. I doubted I could be trusted to see clearly, to be rational when it came to him.
“I heard, like, fifteen different girls asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance.” Cassie made the statement, and I could almost see the challenge in her eyes.
Lauren’s reply was weak, uninterested. She was already bored with the conversation, and probably with Dane. “Is that right?”
Angel Reynolds, probably the nicest girl in our clique, arrived just in time for Lauren and Cassie’s departure. “What are we talking about?”
“Brinkley can fill you in. Come on, Cassie. Let’s make a round through senior hall before last period.”
I was grateful they were leaving. All the talk of Dane was making me a nervous wreck.
When they were out of sight, Angel turned to me, her smile gentle and kind, a lot like the girl herself. Of all of us, she belonged the least. Her parents were both lawyers, so she was an insider for sure, but her heart was pure in ways that the rest of us couldn’t claim. Not even me. As much as I’d hoped it wouldn’t, this town and the people in it had polluted mine.
“So what’s going on now?”
I smiled at the way she asked. It was like she was saying, What now? It’s always something. And it was. There was always some sort of drama surrounding Lauren and Cassie. Lauren especially. She was like the ringleader. That much hadn’t changed since the day I moved to Shepherd’s Mill.
“Oh, they were just talking about Dane James. Somehow he’s become the hot thing and I didn’t know it.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“By what?”
“That you wouldn’t see it.”
Suddenly, I felt a bit defensive. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
After looking left and right, Angel lowered her voice. “I know you’ve always had a thing for him. For you, he was always a thing.”
My mouth dropped open and I balked. Not because I was insulted, but because I’d been that transparent. “I most certainly—”
Angel leaned in and grabbed my arm. “I won’t tell. I haven’t told anyone yet, have I? Your secret is safe with me.”
“But I…I…” When Angel just kept smiling at me, I gave up trying to fumble through an elaborate denial. “How did you know?”
“I know you. And I see the way you look at him when you think no one is watching.” An embarrassing blush rose to my cheeks. “It’s the same way he looks at you.”
My belly flipped over at her words. “He does?”
“He does. He has for years. Probably since you moved here.”
Maybe Dane James really was as much mine as I was his. Maybe he still wished things could be different, too.
“Well, it doesn’t matter. Alton would kill me if I ever did anything about it.”
“You won’t be young forever. And I totally get the feeling he’ll wait for you.”
She gave me a reassuring pat, like she knew I was in need of it, and then she looped her arm through mine. “Now that that’s out of the way, who should I ask to the dance? I still don’t have a clue.”
I was happy to launch into a different discussion. Dane James was never far from my mind, but knowing he wasn’t far from the minds of other girls made me far too uncomfortable, especially when there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Better not to even consider it.
Chapter 11
The Sadie Hawkins dance. I hadn’t been looking forward to it, per se, but I hadn’t been actively dreading it either. Not until word spread that Dane James had accepted an invitation, but wouldn’t tell anyone who it was. They just planned to arrive at the dance and surprise everyone.
Who knew Dane had a flare for the dramatic?
I certainly didn’t. It seemed there was a lot I didn’t know at that point.
We’d only been there about thirty minutes, but it was easy to see that practically every eye in the gymnasium was turning toward the door every few minutes. Everyone was waiting for Dane to arrive. Everyone was wondering who he’d be with, and I was no exception.
I was all dressed up in a black and gold metallic cocktail dress. My hair was a mess of blonde curls piled on top of my head and my makeup had turned out just right. All evening, I’d had the feeling that I was going out with Dane James. Truthfully, that was just my deepest desire, because in reality, I was going with Chad Gentry. I’d dressed for Dane, though. I’d made myself up for him. I’d even squirted some perfume in my cleavage. Just for him. I wasn’t going with Dane James, but I wanted everything about me to make him wish I had. I wanted him to want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him. It didn’t matter that I didn’t ask him, that I couldn’t ask him; it only mattered that I’d wanted to.
As I danced to yet another slow song, I wished, not for the first time, that Lauren hadn’t gotten sick. Although she really was a terrible person, she was a fixture in my life because of who we were. Somehow I’d have felt more comfortable, more prepared for this if she’d come. She had a way of making things that felt like a big deal seem like nothing much at all. And this felt like a big deal. A big, heartbreaking deal. But Lauren had called and told me she was sick and had to cancel, so I was stuck trying to keep Chad Gentry’s hands off my butt while I pointedly watched the door.
“If you’re bored, we could go to Mission Pointe,” Chad whispered into my ear, trailing his lips along the shell. I shivered, but not in the good way. Not in the way I’d have shivered if it were Dane’s lips brushing my ear. Even my skin could tell the difference.
“I’m not bored.” I tried to sound convincing, but in truth, I just wanted the night to be over. Right after I saw who Dane James showed up with.
“You sure as hell act like it. The only thing you’ve done since we got here is stare at the door.”
I defended myself with an answer that was sharper than I intended it to be. “Everybody is staring at the door.”
“Who gives a shit who Dane James is bringing? I don’t see what the big deal about that guy is anyway. So he can play football. He’s still a commoner.”
I felt my lips purse and I purposely ignored Chad. If I wouldn’t catch hell for it later, I’d probably have slapped him right across that smug mouth and then found my own way home. But my mother would give me more grief than that brief moment of satisfaction would be worth. So I held my tongue, I moved my feet, and I continued to watch the door.
I needn’t have been so intent on watching, though. The way the crowd started to buzz around us about ten minutes later left me in no doubt of what was happening. Dane James had arrived with his date. They hadn’t even come through the gymnasium doors yet, but there was already so much murmuring it sounded like a movie star had been spotted. Everyone had stopped to watch the spectacle and, again, I was no exception. My heart was in my throat as I stared through the backlit opening and waited.