The Beautiful Now

by M. Leighton

  I did like the thought of him in my room, in my space. Where I slept and dressed, and where I kept my darkest secrets. This is where came to take out my deepest desires and examine them. This is where I turned them over and over in my hands like dark, shiny pebbles. It would be so intimate to have him here, close enough to touch. Sharing the same air that I breathed when I dreamed of him. But if Alton found out…

  No. I couldn’t even start thinking in that direction. It made me all hot and flushed, but also more than a little bit scared. If he were ever discovered in my room… There would be hell to pay. Pure. Hell. Besides, I was still angry with him for showing up with Lauren.

  “No, I’ll come down,” I said hurriedly. “Hang on.”

  I closed the window before I changed my mind.

  I paused briefly in front of the mirror to inspect my appearance before heading downstairs. In the low light, my green eyes looked black and too big for my face, and my lips looked bee stung, no doubt where I’d been worrying them with my teeth since coming up to my room and having plenty of time to think about Dane with Lauren. My hair was okay, though. The curls piled on top of my head shone like a tangle of loose gold rings. My appearance would have to do, at any rate. My main concern at that moment was to get downstairs, find out what Dane wanted, and then get back upstairs and into my room, undetected.

  I carefully turned the lock in the knob on my door and eased it open, thankful that the hinges didn’t creak. I paused to listen, my ears attuned to any and all signs of life downstairs. I made sure it was deathly quiet before I headed that way.

  I slipped out of my room, pulling the door shut behind me, and made my way noiselessly down the steps. I even breathed through my slightly parted lips so I’d make less noise.

  Once in the kitchen, I unlocked and opened the door. Much to my surprise, Dane was right there, waiting on me. I glanced behind me to make sure my stepfather hadn’t awakened and come down the long hall that separated the kitchen from the master suite. I saw no one, though. Heard nothing.

  I pushed open the screen and stepped out into the night. I stepped out to Dane James.

  “What do you want, Dane?”

  “Did you go?” he asked without preamble.

  “Did I go where?”

  “To Mission Pointe?”

  I tossed my head back a little. “What business is it of yours?”

  He grabbed my upper arms with his big hands, the fingers meeting around them they were so long. “Dammit, Brinkley, you know what I mean. Did you go?”

  “No!” I hissed. “God!”

  Dane relaxed. I felt it in the lessening of his grip and I felt it in the breath he exhaled as it feathered my cheeks. He leaned down and pressed his forehead to mine. “Jesus. Thank God.” He stayed that way for a few seconds before raising his eyes to look at me. “I could barely even be nice to Lauren after you left.”

  “Be nice? Then why the hell did you take her?” I was angry all over again, bitterness flooding my insides like a deluge of storm water filling an empty drain.

  There was a pause before he answered. He searched my eyes for…something as thumbs made small circles on my skin. “For you. I did that for you.”

  “How was that for me?” It was becoming a struggle to keep my voice down.

  “I thought if I could change things just enough around here, that maybe…maybe things would be different for us.”

  “Change things? What things?”

  “Me. If I could change me. Just enough to make me acceptable to them. I thought then that maybe…”

  My heart swelled right inside my chest, like a sponge taking on water. He did this for me. For us. He thought of us as an “us.” And he took Lauren so that we could really be an “us.” For real. In public. Where the eyes that mattered could see.

  But Dane didn’t know what I knew. I knew there could never be an “us.”

  I dropped my eyes away from his, shame filling me. Shame that I wasn’t strong enough to buck the system. Shame that I would allow narrow-minded people to keep us apart. Shame that I hadn’t found a way to fight Alton and my mother.

  I reached to lace my fingers with his where they dangled by his side. I knew there was a time when we could be together. The night. When the world shrank to the size of two people alone in the dark. When the town was only as big as an “us.”

  “Take me to the rock, Dane.” My whisper held an infinite sadness as I squeezed his fingers, holding on tight.

  He didn’t speak until his pause had drawn on so long that I looked up. I didn’t want to dissect what I saw in his eyes. It hurt too much to think about it. So I just stared up at him, stared until he nodded and tugged me close to his side, arm to arm, skin to skin.

  Wordlessly, we set out across the moonlight-dappled yard. I think we walked in silence, not because neither of us had anything to say, but because whatever we said wouldn’t change anything.

  I clung to his hand like he might disappear if I let him go. I clung to him like I knew that we only had the night.

  Because we did.

  But at least we had that. He’d come back to me, come back for me. Right now—that had to be enough. We both knew that, despite the progress he’d made by showing up at the dance with Lauren, the odds were stacked against us. In the end, all we would ever have was the now.

  The beautiful now.

  Chapter 13

  Something had changed after the night of the dance. Something was different.

  Dane and I had spent what hours we could that night on the rock, kissing and clinging, wishing we could be two other people in some other town. But we’d done that before. That wasn’t what was different.

  I wished the difference were that things had changed, but they hadn’t. The very next morning after our night on the rock, my mother had gone on and on about how I needed to pursue things with Chad, but if I couldn’t make it work, she knew of a few other boys who would be acceptable mates for me. Boys who could secure a good future for me.

  It was like being bred to the best stallion in the barn.

  A couple days later, Alton had made a comment about how Dane might know wheat now, but he was still a worthless piece of shit. I had no idea what happened that day, and I didn’t ask. I didn’t even care. I knew deep in my bones that no matter how high Dane rose, what a bright star he became, he would still never be permitted in my sky. Not until I was out from under their thumbs.

  But something was still different. Something had shifted between Dane and me. Before, we’d spend our time on the rock and then go back to our lives. We still wanted each other, but neither of us did anything about it. But this time was different. This time, a sense of desperation had set in and I knew it wouldn’t be enough to have that one night with Dane James and then go months or even years without spending time with him again. I knew I would do whatever I could, whatever I had to, to see him again. Soon. I needed more. More time, more kisses, more nights. As many as I could get.

  Stolen moments at school, longing looks across the football field, a blink of his bedroom light before it was snuffed out for the night—it all fed my thirsty soul, but none of it was enough. I wasn’t sure I could ever get enough.

  I kept an antsy feeling, like I was just going through the motions, waiting for something. And that something was Dane James. Nothing else could compare. And nothing else could quench my desire for even a few minutes with him.

  “So then we’re going. Don’t forget, Brinkley.”

  It was Friday, which meant football and parties and social schedules teeming with activities.

  “Forget what?”

  “The party. Angel’s house. Tonight after the game. You can ride with Chad,” Lauren reminded me.

  I glanced across the sundrenched schoolyard to the table where Chad sat. As if he knew we were talking about him, he looked up at me and winked. I gave him a small smile and looked away.

  One would think he’d have dumped me after the dance, but evidently that kiss had been enough
to keep him interested. My mother would be thrilled. I, however, was not.

  “I’m going with Chad?”

  “God, Brinkley, just give it up and sleep with the guy. You need to pop that cherry and get on with living life.”

  To this, I said nothing.

  “Whatever. But why can’t we ride together?”

  “Dane will be taking me.” I could hear the smile, the satisfaction, the boasting in her voice long before I looked at her face.

  “Oh.” I tried to school my expression.

  “Chad’s not gonna strip you down the second you get in his car, for God’s sake. Get a grip, Brinkley.”

  I let her believe that my reluctance was wholly related to Chad and his advances. Part of them were. I had no desire to spend any amount of time kissing him or fending him off, but that was only part of it. A small part, even. The far bigger part had everything to do with Dane.

  As Lauren and Cassie chatted about what they would wear, I let my mind drift back to the night Dane had come to my window, when he’d told me that he was doing this—seeing Lauren—for us. I drew as much comfort from that as I possibly could and tried to look forward to seeing Dane at the party. That was at least a little bright spot in an otherwise nasty-looking weekend forecast.

  Going to the football game helped a little. As I was walking across the field in front of the bleachers, I kept looking out, searching the jerseys for the right number. For Dane’s number. And when I found it, I saw that he was turned toward me, watching me unabashedly. He didn’t have to worry about getting caught. For one thing, he had his helmet on. To anyone who looked, it probably seemed like he was looking into the stands. Or looking at Lauren who was walking in front of me. But I knew he wasn’t. I knew he was looking at me. Not only did he nod the tiniest bit when I finally found him, but I could feel the heat of his gaze all the way across the field. It set fire to the kindling that was always ready and waiting to be lit when it came to Dane James.

  Lauren found us a place to sit. I decided I quickly realized I liked football games. I could watch Dane as much as I wanted and no one would be the wiser. Every eye in the stadium was focused on the field, and they were all so far away, I could’ve been looking at any of them. No one knew that I had eyes for only one.

  Several times, Dane would look up in our direction. Once Lauren waved and he waved back. I tried not to let it upset me. Of course, he would see her wave; she was sitting right beside me. But still, it stung for some reason. I didn’t want there to be any question that it was me on his mind. Me and only me.

  I knew then that seeing him at the party would likely be as uncomfortable as it would be needful, but I knew I would go. It was like being so thirsty you’re willing to risk drinking tainted water. The night might be tainted, but I needed to see Dane. Needed it. And I’d take a minute here or there, whenever I could get it. Just to be in the same room with him, to watch him, even from a distance, would keep me from withering.

  Just over an hour later, I was regretting my decision to go to Angel’s party. Not only was Lauren all over Dane, showing him off like some sort of trophy, but Chad was constantly touching me—putting his arm around my shoulders, sliding his hand around my waist, kissing my temple. It grossed me out, but I was a little more willing to tolerate it because I saw Dane glancing in our direction. A lot. And I could tell by the look in his eyes that he didn’t like what he was seeing. But I was okay with that. I didn’t like what I was seeing with Lauren and him either.

  The longer we were together yet apart, the more we watched each other. I knew he was feeling that way, too. I could see it in the way his eyes strayed to me so often. I could see it in the longing that burned in them.

  In the beginning, I was concerned with being caught, with who might see me looking at Dane, but I began to crave his glances so much that I stopped wondering or even caring who saw. And that was dangerous.

  I tipped up the red plastic cup I was holding and there was nothing in it. I turned to Chad and held it up.

  “I’m empty. You want anything?”

  “Nothing that would fit in that cup.” His leer would’ve made a dirty old man proud. I smiled, or at least I think I smiled, and walked off. I had no idea how to even respond to that, so I just…didn’t. I had other things on my mind. One other thing.

  I made my way to the keg, trying not to turn and look at Dane. It was as I was reaching for the tap that long, tanned fingers intercepted it. I looked up and my heart tripped over itself.

  It was Dane.

  Part of me knew it would be. He couldn’t stay away from me any better than I could stay away from him.

  Because something had definitely changed.

  I was relieved and excited and gratified that he’d followed me to the keg. That he’d been watching me so closely that he knew the moment I left Chad.

  A slow, coy grin curved my lips. I wondered how long we could keep this up without bursting. Without exploding into a spray of heat and want, like an ancient, carnal geyser releasing what boiled and bubbled beneath the surface. “What are you doing?”

  “Pouring you a beer.” He winked as he explained, aiming the spout at my cup. We watched each other as cold liquid seeped slowly out of the tap. I wished it were an even slower pour, like molasses slow. I wanted to stay here forever, watching Dane James over a keg of beer, getting lost in the sparkling warmth of his eyes. “Do you always blush when someone pours you a beer?”

  I tucked my chin, cheeks burning even hotter. I hadn’t been aware of my blushing. I hadn’t been aware of anything except this boy and all that he made me feel. All that he made me want.

  “No. Not always.”

  “No? So it’s just me then?”

  My stomach gave a hot squeeze and I felt my eyes widen in disbelief.

  Dane James was flirting with me. At a party. With lots of people around. While he was on a date. And so was I.

  I knew no one else could hear him; he wasn’t talking loud enough. But still…

  It was unexpected and scary and thrilling. So very, very thrilling.

  I cleared my throat, glancing left and right before returning to his gaze. “Maybe.”

  “Does your ‘maybe’ always mean yes?”

  Rather than answering right away, I reached over and put my hand on his. I loved how he got so still, and how his eyes lit up like he wanted to drag me off somewhere and finish this tantalizing little dance we’d engaged in.

  I grinned when I felt cold liquid pour over my hand. That’s why I reached out. To stop his pour. He hadn’t even noticed that my cup was almost full, a fact that made me happy in a strange and exhilarating way. It was proof I had the same power over him that he held over me. And it was increasing with every passing second.

  “Oh shit! Sorry.”

  I felt curiously giddy. “Don’t be. You obviously had…other things on your mind.”

  I held his eyes as I sucked foam from the rim of the red Solo. Two could play this game.

  I lowered my cup and licked my upper lip. Dane’s eyes watched my mouth the whole time. I’d never felt sexier. More beautiful. More wanted. And just for being me, Brinkley Sommers. He was the one person who couldn’t have cared less about my parents or my wealth or my social status.

  All too soon, I heard my name. It pricked my ears like an unwanted siren signaling doom.

  It was Chad, speaking from somewhere behind me. He’d be looking for me and I didn’t want him to find me here. That could cause a lot of trouble. Trouble we didn’t need.

  I wanted desperately to reach out and touch Dane, to beg him to leave with me, but I didn’t. I simply swallowed a sigh and another mouthful of foam and said, “Thanks for the beer.”

  I turned around to walk away. I had to force myself not to look back.

  If only I could’ve put him out of my mind as easily as I got him out of my sight. No such luck, though. If anything, my little run-in with Dane James over the keg seemed to have created some sort of invisible tether between us.
Wherever he moved around the room, my eyes seemed to go right to him. I was hyperaware of his laugh above the rest of the noise and the warm sensation that made me suspect his eyes were on me. It was like I could feel him across the distance. Unfortunately, that made it even more difficult to put up with Chad and his fifteen hands.

  After an hour of moving and removing, dodging and evading his excessive PDA, I needed a breather. When Lauren approached, dragging a noticeably bored Dane James, and offered a respite, one that included the object of my obsession, I was quick to jump on it.

  “Who’s up for raiding the hot tub? We’re going.”

  “I’m in.” I agreed before I really considered what I was agreeing to. I saw Dane. I saw opportunity. And that’s all I saw.

  “Hell yeah.” Chad followed his response with a whoop of delight.

  “Cool. You guys can wear…whatever you want. We’re going to change.” To me, Lauren said, “Angel’s got a bunch of suits.” She looped her arm through mine and off we went to the stairs.

  Lauren was right. Angel had at least a dozen swimsuits. I chose a pretty one-piece with high-cut legs and a daring neckline. Lauren chose a bikini that looked more like pink scraps of shiny fabric than a purposefully made piece of clothing.

  We grabbed towels from the bathroom and headed outside to the hot tub. The lights were on in it, giving the three occupants an eerie glow. I only really noticed one, though. My eyes went straight to Dane James, who was sitting in the far corner with his arms spread out along the edge, looking every bit like a luminous god of the night. His eyes were on me, too, and they took my breath away.

  I purposely looked away from him as I dropped my towel onto a chair and walked to the spa. Lauren got in and snuggled up to his side, so I got in between him and Chad. Naturally, Chad scooted closer to me. I sucked it up, however, because I was sitting next to Dane in a pool of warm water, and I could almost feel the energy of his attention, like it mixed with the bubbles and caressed every inch of my skin.

  Chad, Lauren, and Michael, the other guy in the hot tub, talked and laughed. Dane and I sat quietly, listening, trying not to stare at each other too much. Beneath the turbulent waters, I could feel him beside me, drawing me like gravity. I wanted more than anything to move closer to him, but I didn’t know how.