Mistakes of My Past

by Emily James

  As she heads towards the door, I grab her arm and she spins and twists my arm back in some kind of weird ninja move, her grip isn’t strong, but I let her hold me while I tell her, “It wasn’t like he said, I’m a dick, I admit it, but I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  She lets go of my arm and her vulnerability returns, as she stands in the doorway, her face sad. “I’m sorry, Will, but you’re not the first guy to say stuff like this to me. This was never going to work, I should never have let it get this far. It’s probably for the best if we keep our distance.”

  “Baby, no. Please…”

  “Don’t ‘baby’ me, Will. You need to respect my decision.”

  Amber’s voice breaks as she finishes her sentence and she turns to leave. I watch her walk back into the guest house and she locks the door and pulls down the blind.

  I seethe as I look over to Jed’s place as he stands outside watching. Even from across the street, I can see the smug glint in his eye and I flip him the bird.

  It’s over before it even started, and I only have my own stupid mouth to blame.

  Chapter 20

  Amber

  When someone knocks at the backdoor, I jump and stare at the blind, which has been mostly down since I left Will’s eleven days ago. Dad lifted it for the weekend but as soon as he got into the car to go back to Chicago, I pulled it back down. I’m sure I saw Will at his kitchen window as I was doing so, but since I’m ignoring him, I didn’t wave.

  I wonder if it's Will, here to beg my forgiveness. My heart beats a little faster at the thought. He sent me a text to explain, but I switched my phone off so I wasn’t tempted to reply.

  Ever since our fight, a million thoughts have invaded my mind. Maybe I’m just a bad judge of character. Maybe I should forgive him. Maybe one day I’ll be able to make a decision and commit to it.

  There’s another knock at the door. Whoever’s behind it is getting impatient. I’m just about to creep upstairs and ignore it when I hear Roxy yell, “I know you’re in there. Open the door before my tits freeze off!”

  I pad over to the door to let her in. The weather forecaster this morning said to expect more snow and the blistering wind takes me by surprise and forces the door back faster that I’m prepared for. Roxy ushers past me and I’m thankful to be able to shut the cold back out.

  I haven’t seen or heard from Roxy since our row. It’s been lonely without her and whilst I’m pleased to see her, I’m not sure how the land lays.

  “What’s wrong with your phone? I’ve been texting you,” Roxy's tone is accusatory.

  “Hello, Amber, how are you today? Oh, you know, Roxy, not bad…” I say, mimicking us both sarcastically.

  Roxy throws her hand up dramatically and throws me an eye roll. “You should answer your phone, I’ve been worried about you. Cody said you went off the grid. What happened with Will? And make coffee, I’m freezing.”

  I fill the filter and switch the machine on. With the mood she's in, I have a feeling only the good stuff will do.

  “Nothing happened. Why? What’s he said?” I ask her, a little too eager.

  Roxy grins and raises a brow, my eagerness is not lost on her and I know she wants details.

  “He said he messed up, but he wouldn’t expand on that, and I had him by the balls, so trust me he isn’t talking, whatever it is.” Roxy’s hand makes a cupping/crushing movement and I wince. Poor Will. “Judging by the state of you, he royally fucked up. Man, you look bad; I can help you fuck his shit up as revenge.”

  “No. Roxy, I’m fine. I just didn’t shower yet, that’s all.”

  “Don’t feed me that crap. I could carry my shopping in the bags under your eyes, and there’s no way that’s day-old grease. Spill—what did that fucker do?”

  So I tell her. I need another perspective, and it’s not like I could talk over my love life with my dad, who's the only other soul I have seen outside of work.

  “He told Jed that I slept with him. Why would he do that?” I sigh. “I’ve been pulling double shifts to keep busy. I had a near miss with Will when I took a gift over for baby Gina and I think Sophie probably thought I was nuts when I hid behind her sofa and asked to leave by the back door when I saw his truck pull up out front. I had to climb over her fence to get to my car and then realised he’d blocked it in with his truck so I had to walk the seven miles home.”

  “You walked all the way home just to avoid asking him to move his truck?” Roxy sniggers and shakes her head seriously. “It's worse than I thought. You got it bad, girl. I know why he told Ned that—jealousy—he fricking likes you. He wants Ned to back the fuck off! Can't you see that? I’d believe Will over howdily-doodily-Jed-fucking-Slanders.”

  I sigh, she’s got a point.

  “It was going so well until I threw myself at him, and then I found out he’d made some kind of claim on me. I just don’t trust my judgment anymore, and even if I just relaxed and went for it, he’d want to know things, Roxy, things that I can’t tell him. It’s better this way. Besides, after the way I walked out, I think that ship has sailed, crashed, and sunk.”

  I pour the coffee and hand it to Roxy, pleased we seem friends again.

  “So, tell him, tell him everything and skip to being happy. It’s never as bad as you think it is. And stay away from Ned, you may not trust your judgment, but trust mine, that guy is a sex-case waiting to unravel.” Roxy eyes me seriously and I nod. “Do you want to hear something fun?” Roxy beams like she hit the lotto. Intrigued I agree. “Will looks like shit—even worse than you. I took Cody over some make up samples I got handed at the store. I thought they’d look pretty on her. Anyway, he answered the door like a dog that’d forgot how to lick its dick. I think you can salvage that ship if you stop fucking poking holes in it. I know you miss him.”

  “I do not miss him very much at all. I’ve been too busy to miss him. I’m running again, working, I doubled up on the kickboxing, and I pulled off some information about courses at Uni… I mean college, starting this autumn, I mean fall.”

  “Good for you, Ambs, but you’re stuttering, which means you’re lying. You miss the ass off him!” Roxy smiles at me, “You know I’ve been looking at Art School options too…”

  I interrupt her; this news is just too big to stay quiet. “Oh my God, we could go to college together, it’d be great.” I hug her in my enthusiasm, “Who needs boys, anyway,” I smile.

  “Go get a shower, Ambs, you like, really stink.”

  I laugh. I don’t stink, but I’m glad I got her back.

  “I’m just heading back home to deal with some issues, but I’ll call you later,” Roxy tells me.

  “Okay. Roxy, I’m sorry I was a bit of a cow the other week.” I smile and she nods. Pleased that our spat is behind us, I take the stairs two at a time. I really do need to get a shower.

  When I head back downstairs I see that Roxy has left me another note, written in her usual bright lipstick, on the cupboard door. The bright red letters are to the point and call me out: Bullshit! You miss him.

  * * *

  The next day, I’m pulling up the driveway, on my way home from work, and I see Cody standing outside my backdoor.

  “Cody, it’s freezing, come inside. Is Will running late?”

  “No. I came to see you, I miss you.” Cody smiles angelically, and I ruffle her hair as she follows me inside. I switch the light on because even though it’s not yet dusk, it’s pretty dark, and I dump my bag on the island.

  “Wow, it’s not very warm in here. Did you switch your heating system off?” Cody’s breathe clouds as she speaks. She's right, the air is frigid with cold.

  “No, I never switch the heating off. It works on an energy saving timer thing. I’ll just go take a look.” I head to the boiler, where all the lights are out and it’s not making its usual whirling noise.

  Cody gives me a worried look.

  “It’s okay. I’ll call Dad later. It’s probably an easy fix. It’s quite old, it’s probably just bein
g a bit temperamental,” I say downplaying its significance and hoping she doesn’t know much about what a new boiler looks like compared to an old one. This one looks practically state of the art and I fiddle with the buttons, and curse its complicatedness.

  “It looks brand new to me. Maybe you should get Will to take a look at it. He’s good at fixing stuff like this.” She smiles sweetly and I give her a hug, rubbing her arms to warm her.

  “I wouldn’t mention it to Will, he’s so busy with Doug off work and besides, I’m sure Dad mentioned something about it doing this sometimes. I’ll call him later. He’ll know what to do.” I give her a confident smile, even though I’m less than confident my dad will know anything about boilers, he’s more of a dial the professionals sort of guy.

  “What happened with you and Will? I thought you guys were happy.”

  I knew way before this moment that we would wind up having this conversation. I’m responsible for the sad look on her face.

  “Please don’t be sad, Cody. Will and I are still friends and I’m right next door, you can come see me whenever you like. I’ve got some cookies in the kitchen, want some?” I smile at her hoping the promise of cookies is a strong enough subject change, but Cody is concentrating on her smart phone.

  “Nah, I’d better get going, Will will freak if I’m not home soon. You should call him though. He’d have you all warmed up in a jiffy.”

  I walk Cody to the backdoor to see her out. “Honestly, it’s fine. I’m calling Dad right now; please don’t bother your brother.” I throw Cody a wink and pull up the blind to watch her walk home. Even though I try not to notice, I see Will’s silhouette on his back porch, as he welcomes Cody home, and I feel a smidge of envy as his warm arms wrap around her as he guides her inside the house.

  Chapter 21

  Will

  I pick up my phone, re-read the last message I sent to Amber and put the phone back down on the kitchen table. Still no reply, and after nearly two weeks, I know there won’t be one. I must have typed out a hundred other texts to explain and apologise, but I stopped myself from sending them, thinking that maybe if I gave her some space, she’d miss me. Cody has told me a dozen times that she’s all sad and heartbroken. The trouble is Cody likes to dramatise the facts.

  “Will, it’s not too late to say you’re sorry.” Cody’s friend Megan tells me, and I wonder when Cody recruited her to torture me.

  “I thought you were both going across to Megan’s to do homework?” I ask them through gritted teeth.

  “You could learn a lot from Justin, he would never do what you did,” Cody tells me, shaking her head and throwing me a disappointed glance.

  “Did Amber tell you what our fight was about?” My brows rise as I ask her. I’ll be surprised if she told Cody. So far as I can tell, she keeps her shit locked down.

  “Well, she didn’t actually say, but when I was over there earlier I could tell she was really hurt. And cold, she was like freezing.” Cody widens her eyes to emphasise her point. Like I don’t already know I hurt Amber, I’m just not sure how to fix it.

  “What do you mean freezing?”

  “Oh, her heating went out. It’s like a freezer over there, her lips were blue, poor kid couldn’t stop shivering. I’ll bet she wishes she knew someone who was a good guy; someone who’d skip right over there, and fix it all up for her, before she gets sick. Anyway, we’re off to Megan’s. I’ll be back in morning so you have the whole night to yourself.”

  “Bye, Will,” Megan says, but I’m too far away in my thoughts to respond.

  Why wouldn’t she just call me to come fix it?

  I watch the girls cross the street to Megan’s, and then go back into the kitchen. Amber’s kitchen blinds are drawn, but I can see light peeking from beneath them. She’s home, but she’d rather freeze than ask for my help. If that’s the way she wants it, then fine. I go into the den and put the television on. I flick between the channels, finding nothing that can hold my interest.

  The wind howls against the windows, and I decide to go grab a beer from the fridge. I’ll bet she’s freezing. I check my phone, still no reply. Doesn’t she know she needs to run the system each day, or in these temperatures the pipes will freeze? I put my boots on and decide I’m going over there. But I'm only doing it as a favour to Patrick.

  * * *

  “What are you doing here?” Amber asks, opening the backdoor. She’s wearing a cute beanie, and her coat.

  “Are you going out somewhere?” I smile, knowing that she’s not. “Stubborn girl would rather freeze than ask for help; let me in so I can get your heating working.” Amber’s features waver like she’s not sure whether she should. “C’mon, I’m freezing my ass off out here, you’re freezing your butt off in there, let’s help each other out. You’re going to end up with hyperthermia.”

  “Fine,” Amber huffs and she moves aside to let me in.

  “Why the hell didn’t you call me? And what is with your aversion to socks?” I ask, noticing that she still has the cute red polish on her toenails that she wore on our date, a date that seems a million years ago now.

  “I- we’re not talking, and it didn’t feel right, wearing the socks when I’m mad with you.”

  “Uh-huh. Stubborn woman.” I roll my eyes to try get through to her how ridiculous that is and walk through the house, upstairs to where the boiler is housed at the top of the stairs. I put the light on and, without making eye contact, I tell her, “You know, I already said I was sorry, that it was a dick move.”

  “Yes, you did, and yes it was.”

  I chance a glance at her over my shoulder. Her arms are folded in front of her chest, she’s still huffy.

  “So that’s it? I fuck up once and now I’m in the same category as your ex?” I ask her, feeling pissed off with her now.

  “It’s better this way.”

  I flick the switch on the boiler, not exactly surprised it’s a deliberate fault. I’m pretty sure Amber didn’t decide to freeze herself to death. So I’d put money on Cody having a hand in this. She’s been on my back all week to come see Amber, so it doesn’t take a genius to work out the culprit. I’m so pissed with everyone I think I’m going to ground her ass for the first time yet.

  I close the boiler cupboard. I didn’t even need to unlock my toolbox.

  “I said sorry. I never act like this normally. I was jealous,okay, that dick was spouting all this shit about you, and I wanted him to think you were taken. I wanted him to leave you alone.”

  “I’m not your property, Will. I can’t go back to that.” Amber’s eyes are fixed on the ground and she hugs herself for warmth.

  “I’m not asking you to.” My hands instinctively pull at my hair, exasperated, I continue, “Is it that I fucked up so badly, or is this just another excuse to push me away? I walk on eggshells for you, afraid of pushing too hard, of asking anything of you in case you freak out and run. I’d happily wait until you’re ready to tell me whatever it is that happened to you, because I’ve fallen for you. But you don’t want that, do you.” I turn to leave. “The boiler was just switched off. Cody must have used my key, in a misguided attempt to match-make. I’ll talk to her. Goodbye, Amber.”

  “Wait,” Amber calls and I turn. I’m already a step down on the stairs and now we’re the same height, our eyes meet. She looks lost, afraid, as she searches for something to say. I allow myself to hope that I’ve gotten through to her.

  “Thank you for fixing the boiler.” Her voice hitches and the little crease between her brows deepens.

  I nod, averting my eyes.

  Fuck hope.

  I turn and head down the stairs, out the door, and back home.

  * * *

  I finish my second beer and toy with my phone, wondering whether to text Pete and see if he wants to go get smashed in a bar. Tomorrow is Saturday, after all, Cody isn’t due back until morning, and I need to forget what just happened.

  I get up from the kitchen table and turn towards the fridge in
search of a beer. A movement on the back porch catches my eye, and I look up to see Amber’s small frame in the window of the door.

  I pull open the door and wait for her to say something first since my mouth only seems to get me in trouble. When the silence becomes too unbearable, I throw out the first words in my head, “Come to destroy some more of my dignity?”

  Amber shakes her head. “You forgot your toolbox,” she says, pointing down at the metal box on the deck.

  “Thanks.” I take it, and walk into the kitchen, placing it on the counter.

  “Do you mind if I come inside?”

  “Sure.”

  She walks in, closing the door and takes off her coat. She’s wearing skinny jeans that show off the curve of her butt, and a tight-fitting top.

  “I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. You’re right, you’ve been nothing but kind to me and I do push you away. It’s sort of become a habit of mine.”

  I study her as she walks towards me with slow, uncertain steps.

  I lean against the counter, not going anywhere, not sure whether I want to hear what she is about to tell me.

  “See, I’ve been falling for you too, and it’s terrifying to me. I don’t know how to do any of this. The last time I was in a relationship it was bad, really bad. I don’t go to tennis, Will, I go to therapy. I was an inpatient at the Hope Psychiatric Hospital. I've never travelled any of the states or ever been to a spa. My dad brought me here from a hospital back in England, where I was diagnosed with depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. It’s taken me a long time to be this strong, and I’m still not quite there. I don’t know if I ever will be. I’m not sure I’ll be good for you, Will.”

  I swallow down the information that she’s shared with me, as Amber pauses halfway across the kitchen, staring at the toe of her shoe. I cross the kitchen in two short strides and grip her hands as they lay flat to her sides.

  “You’ve fallen for me?” I can’t contain the smile from my face, so I stop trying. It’s probably making me look weird anyway. “None of that makes me like you less or makes me see you any differently. You are strong and it took guts for you to tell me, you can tell me anything.”