by Daisy Allen
“You brought up your dick!” I poke him with my bow.
“Don’t make me make you choke on it,” he threatens as we climb up the stage to meet up with Sebastian and Marius.
“Pick my teeth with, maybe!” I growl.
“Um, guys, your mics are on…and recording,” Dennis’s voice booms into our earpieces.
“It’s okay, everyone already knows about Jez’s toothpick prick,” I hear Seb respond, then chuckle at his own hilarity.
“Shut up, and let’s get those instruments tested,” Dennis commands
And for once, we listen.
***
“Hey, what’s going on with you and Emily?” Seb asks me as we finish soundcheck, pulling our headsets off and leaving them on stage for the crew to take care of.
“What…why? Why would something be going on?”
“Other than your ‘sleepover’ the other night, and whatever it was that made you both late the other day after the show, it’s like the last day or so you’ve barely been in the same place at the same time. Made me wonder which one of you is Clark Kent and which is Superman.”
“It’s nothing.”
“Nah, man, it’s something. Talk to me. I’ll half listen, I promise.”
We walk over to a quiet bench on the side of the stage. The field is filling up. It’s about two hours to the start time and about twenty thousand people are already there.
I’m excited about the Rock Chamber Boys headlining this year. Dennis worked hard to get us the gig, and we won’t let him down.
But right now, I’d be lying if I said the show was the first and foremost thing on my mind. And my friend and bandmate for twelve years knows this almost as well as I do.
“Come on, Brad. If something’s wrong we need to sort it out before tonight. You can’t have this weighing on your mind.”
“Ugh. Stop being all…ever since Cadence you’ve gotten all touchy-feely.”
“Hey, just feely. The touchy is reserved for Cadey.”
“Ew.”
He grins and I know if there’s anyone I can talk to about this, it’s him.
“It’s Emily.”
“You don’t say!”
“Shut up, do you want me to be feely or not?”
“Sorry. Go on…what’s going on between you two?”
“That’s just it, I don’t fucking know! You know ever since we met up again, all I can think about is her. She consumes me. She consumes my thoughts. I can’t play without dedicating every song to her, I can’t speak without wondering where she is at every moment...what’s she’s doing…who she’s with…how she’s feeling?”
“And how is she feeling? I mean…I thought after the other night, you guys would be like two peas in a steamy, sex saturated pod. Then boom! You’re like two north polar magnets repelling each other.”
“Silas.”
“Ah.”
“What ah?”
“Just ah… you still on that? Is this Silas shit from now or eight years ago?”
“He’s Ben’s dad.”
“So? Is he your dad?”
“No.”
“Then so what?”
I blink at him. Is he serious? So what?
“He’s Ben’s dad, that’s ‘so what.’”
“Dude. You seriously need to sort out what’s important and what’s not. You yourself have a stepfather who you love. Does who your biological dad is interfere with that in any way?”
“Make your point.”
“You’re an idiot, is my point. What does Emily have to say about all this?”
“Um…”
“You haven’t spoken to her about it?”
“Well, I have. Kinda.”
“And what happened.?”
“I called her a fuck-up.”
“Duuuuude.”
“Fuck, I know. I KNOW!”
“Go find her. Fix it. Or at least try to see if it can be fixed.”
“Thanks man.”
“No problem. And hey…how was it?”
“How was what?”
“You know…” he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and I can’t help but laugh. He’s still my Sebastian.
“You pig!”
“It was good, wasn’t it? It’s ..different when it’s someone you love.”
“Dude. I’m gonna go now. And you…you go look for your testicles. They seem to have detached.”
I leave just a little too slow as I’m greeted by the sight of Sebastian proving that they indeed have not detached.
“Butter? Emily!” I call for her as I return to the tent.
Ben runs over to me and I kneel, catching him in my arms, twirling him around until he screams, begging me to stop. His laughter fills the dark empty spot in my mood, and I wonder how I’m going to deal once he and his mother aren’t with us 24/7 anymore.
“Hey Benny Boy, are you having a good day?”
“Yes, Uncle Brad.” He smiles at me and holds my face in between his palms.
“What about you? Are you having a good day?” Despite his childish laughter, there’s something somber in his look.
“Of course, it’s a good day for the band. We’re really looking forward to playing.” I look around the tent and see only Carrie and two of our techs sleeping in the corner. “Where’s your mother?” I ask him, taking his hand and leading him back over to his little table set up with his toys. I give Carrie a smile, which she returns, before focusing her attention back on her iPhone.
“I don’t know. She said she had to go interview someone. Uncle Brad?” He looks up at me as he sits down on his chair.
“Yeah, buddy?”
“Do you know what’s wrong with Mommy?” His face falls and he looks serious.
“What do you mean?”
“She hasn’t been very happy the last few days. And last night I think I heard her crying. I was scared so I went in and gave her a hug.”
My heart squeezes for them both. For her obvious pain, and her little boy’s concern for his mother, his world.
“Oh, um, well firstly, you’re such a good boy, taking care of your Mommy like that. And well, secondly, I’m sure it’s nothing. Grown-ups get tired and sad sometimes too, but usually with a good night’s sleep everything is better.”
“I hope so. I don’t like Mommy sad,” he says, with a slight quivering of his bottom lip.
“I don’t either, buddy, I don’t either. Why don’t I go look for her and bring her back, and let’s see if we can’t make her smile again, okay?”
“Okay. Thanks Uncle Brad, you’re the best. You’re…You’re even cooler than a firefighter.” He pokes me gently in the chest to emphasis his point.
And I pull him into my arms and squeeze him tight. Just as my heart bursts with love for this little precious creature.
I run out of the tent and turn into the side alley.
And into them.
Emily and Silas.
His hand on her cheek and hers on his arm.
Together.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Emily
The tears fall hot and fast.
I don’t even bother to wipe them away as I try to put as much distance between me and the tent where I’ve just left Brad.
You’re the fuck up. I play it over in my head, over and over.
It hurts.
But he’s right.
I did fuck up.
I fucked up back then, and I’m fucking up now.
“Hey babe.” Cadence waves to me as she wanders over from the group of people she’s chatting with.
I cover my face, not wanting her to see me like this.
“Whoa. Wait up, hey, what’s wrong?” She grabs me by the arm and forces me to face her. She’s oddly strong for a woman.
“It’s…ahhhhh.” I brush my hands over my face, wiping off the last stream of tears. “It’s …I’m okay.”
She pinches my ear and growls, “Bitch, you better tell me what’s up or I’m gonna wrestle every last word out of you!”
“What the hell was that?”
“I was being forceful!”
“It worked.”
She grins and pauses, then her face turns serious. “Come on, out with it.”
“Brad.”
“Hmm.”
“‘Hmm’ what?”
“Nothing.”
“Brad is…ahhh, I fucked up!”
“Honey, I don’t know what you did, but I guarantee you, it won’t be the last time you fuck up, so you better get used to dealing with it now.”
“Um, comforting.”
“Thanks. I’m a teacher.”
“Do you have any kids left by the end of the year?”
“Only the ones who didn’t chew through their restraints.”
“Who are you?”
She laughs and slings her arm around my shoulder. “I’m you, babe. I’ve fucked up too, trust me. So I’m going to get you outta this mess.”
“I don’t know how.”
“Look, I don’t know what you did, but I’m going to give you a little insight. Seb says that when they went on tour eight years ago and you didn’t come to say goodbye to Brad, it broke his heart. Like into a million pieces, montage of walking in the rain, watching happy couples at the park broke. And he didn’t really recover for years. That is, if he ever really did recover, or maybe he just got really good at pretending he could live without you. Now you’re back and you’ve turned his whole world upside down. And to boot you brought a little sidekick along to steal his heart as well. Then the one person, this Silas, who he thought was the reason it all went to shit eight years ago really has been a part of the storyline all along. He’s confused, babe. And well, he’s a man. He doesn’t really know how to wade out of that without a little help. That’s where you come in.”
“Where you come in, apparently.”
“You’re welcome.”
“It’s…it’s not what he thinks. The Silas thing.”
“Don’t tell me, tell him.”
“He won’t listen.”
“Make him.”
“I love him.”
“Don’t tell me, tell him. But for what it’s worth, I believe you.”
“Does he?”
“Again—make him.”
“Thanks, bitch.”
“Wha? I was being nice!”
“I owed ya one.”
She gives me a hug to end all hugs and I run over to the stage where I last saw the band going through their soundcheck.
“Brad?” I call out and see Sebastian poke his head out from behind the stage.
“Hey.”
“Hey, have you seen Brad?”
“He went looking for you. He’s probably by our tent.”
“Thanks, Sebastian.”
“Go get our boy, Emily.”
His words surprise me, but they spur me on nonetheless.
I practice what I’m going to say in my head. What he needs to hear…what I’m going to make him hear.
“Emily.” A body steps out of the tent to block me. It’s the last person I want to see.
“Silas.”
“Can we talk?”
“There’s really nothing to say. And I have to go see someone.”
“In a minute. I really want to talk.
“If it’s about Ben, you’ve said everything you’ve wanted to say about that. And I’ve accommodated you. You come and go as you please, which luckily for us, isn’t that often. But so far it doesn’t seem to hurt Ben. When it does, things will change.”
“It’s…it’s not about Ben. It’s about us. Well, about you.”
“What about me?”
“I’ve been reading what you write about the Rock Chamber Boys. And I heard about the editorial piece you’re going to write about them.”
“So?”
“It was really good. I didn’t know you could write like that.”
“Maybe you would have if you’d bothered to read anything I’d written.”
“That’s not fair. You didn’t want me to.”
“Of course I did! Ugh, why are we talking about this? This is old news, Silas.”
“I want…I want you to do a write-up for me. For my band. The String Slingers.”
“What, why?”
“Because I really think you’re going to be huge, and I want people to read about us through you. Be our big break, Emily.”
“No.”
“Why the hell not? Are we not good enough for you? You only want to write about pretty boy Grammy winners?” There’s a sneer in his voice that’s ugly.
It’s not the place to have this conversation, but I’ve had enough of hiding. I take a breath and tell him the truth. “Because I don’t want to, Silas. Because I don’t want to work with you, I don’t want to be near you, I don’t want to have anything to do with you. You’re my son’s father. Fine. I can’t change that. But that’s it. No.”
His eyes grow dark, and it’s a look I’ve seen before. And I’m scared, because I know what’s coming. He reaches out and runs a finger down my cheek and it makes me shiver.
“Come on. We’re older now. We can make this work. You. Me. Ben. Isn’t it what you’ve always wanted?” He takes my hand and pulls it to press against his chest, and it’s all I can do not to wrench it away. “Aren’t I what you always wanted? Don’t tell me that Brad is making you happy. He never could and he never will.” His words, spoken calm and low, drip with vitriol.
I push on his arm, willing him to let go of me without making a scene.
“Don’t you ever touch me again,” I whisper low but firm in his face.
He freezes and grins at me, his finger still caressing my cheek, his arm flexing under my hand.
Then I hear footsteps come to a sudden stop.
“Buddy. Brad,” Silas says, taking his hand off my face as I drop his arm in surprise. “Soundcheck sounded good.”
“What are you doing here, Silas? Stalking us? Or just Emily?”
“I forgot what a funny guy you are. We actually got called in to replace one of the bands who couldn’t get here on time. It’s our first time here.”
Brad’s eyes don’t leave mine, even though his words are directed at Silas.
“What time are you playing?”
“About 5:30 p.m.”
“Good. Enjoy your set.”
“Thanks, man.”
“It must feel good, opening for the Rock Chamber Boys.”
With that, he grabs my wrist and pulls me away, dragging me to an empty tent and pulling the flap down to shield us. His fist burns as it tugs on my skin, but I ignore it. I’m glad that we’re finally alone.
He drops my wrists and spins toward the tent. His fists curl into balls, and I can see the knuckles turn white. He takes a deep breath and walks back to me, his face like thunder.
“Tell me. God, just tell me you’re not with him.”
“What?”
“TELL ME YOU’RE NOT FUCKING SILAS!” he yells, then shoves a fist up against his mouth, his teeth biting down on it.
“OH MY GOD, Brad! Have you lost your God-given mind?”
“Why is he here? Why was he in Birmingham the other day?”
“Do I have to remind you that he’s in a band too?”
“I’m trying to forget that, ever since his so-called band released their debut album this past summer.”
“Well then, it shouldn’t be any surprise to you that’s he’s doing the same tour circuit that you are. A lot of bands are. It’s a common itinerary for this time of year.”
“But why exactly the same? Why is he suddenly popping up everywhere we are? Is it because you’re together? Or is it because he wants to be?”
“I don’t know why, Brad,” I say, trying to keep my voice low. The last thing I need is my own paper printing an article of me fighting with the rock group I’m supposed to be covering.
“You’re going to have to give me m
ore than that, Emily. You and I, after four years of me following you around like a lovesick puppy, finally, finally get together. I told you I loved you, for fuck’s sake. I’d never said that to anyone. Then I leave and come back after half an hour to see him on your goddamn doorstep.”
“I told you, I didn’t know he was coming and the only reason I texted to talk was to make a clean break with him,” I explain again.
“I know, I know what you told me, and I believed you. I really did. I believed you that Silas wasn’t the reason I’ve been missing you for eight years, every single day, missing you. Thinking of you, wondering where the hell you are, what you’re doing. And then I found out that he’s your son’s father. What do you want me to think? Tell me. Tell me how I can’t think that he’s been part of the picture this whole time. And then to find out you hid it from me? I can only believe so much, Emily. As much as I want to be with you, I can only be betrayed so many times.”
The tension in the air pulls at the air from my lungs. I’m almost gasping.
This is wrong, this is all wrong.
“Brad. Brad…please. Just let me talk. Let me talk and try to listen.” I grip my hand around his wrist; he doesn’t move, doesn’t pull away. “Silas and I are not together. We haven’t been for a long, long time. In fact, the last time we were dating was when you knew about it, just before school ended.”
“But he showed up at your place…and now Ben…”
“After that night with you, well, he did come back. He came back several times, but every time I said no. He didn’t take it well, but finally he got the message. And then we went our separate ways as well. He had some label he was working with, and I went to college. But summer in sophomore year, he came back to London and we ran into each other and, well, we had dated for two years so we had a few drinks for old time’s sake. We had a laugh, and well, fine, yes, a lapse in judgment. We had sex. Once. Once and only once. But it was enough. Nine months later I dropped out of school and gave birth to Ben.”
“And Silas?”
“I told him I was pregnant. He didn’t want a kid, but he wasn’t going to tell me not to. He likes to send gifts to Ben now and then and see him when he’s in town. I dunno, gives him some sort of masculine ego boost. But he’s not a father to Ben, not a real one. Ben calls him his daddy but he really only knows him that by name. A guy who shows up a few times a year with a gift.”