‘Come on, Jess,’ I said. ‘It’s nearly time to say, “I do”. Are you ready?’
‘I’m ready.’ Her eyes shone brightly as she stood up and flounced out her skirts.
‘You don’t look too fat in that dress,’ Mother said.
‘I’m not fat. I’m pregnant.’
Mother shrugged. ‘Same thing. Your body’s ruined for life now.’
I reached for Jess’s hand. ‘I think she looks stunning and, as her mother, you should be telling her that.’
Mother cleared her throat and, for once in her life, I thought an apology might be on its way or perhaps even a compliment. But that would have been far too much to expect. ‘That colour you’re wearing,’ she said, pointing at my dress. ‘What is that?’
‘It’s sage,’ I said.
‘Sage? That’s not a colour. That’s a herb.’
I wanted so much to give her a mouthful of abuse. It would ruin Jess’s day, though, and Mother really wasn’t worth it. I would have my Cynthia-style confrontation with her one day. But today wasn’t that day.
It was late afternoon by the time we’d finished the wedding breakfast then the speeches. I smiled across at Daniel from the top table as I took a nibble out of my sliver of wedding cake. ‘Okay?’ I mouthed.
‘Perfect,’ he mouthed back. He was seated at a table with Sarah, Nick, and some of Jess’s friends. Judging by the shrieks of laughter, everyone had gelled well and Daniel seemed to be playing a lead role in keeping them amused. I loved that he was making such an effort to fit in. Gary would have looked lost and uncomfortable in the same scenario. He hated big social get-togethers like this.
Dad appeared by my side and asked Lee’s dad if he wouldn’t mind swapping places while we had our coffees.
‘How are you holding up?’ he asked, pulling his chair in.
‘I’m fine thanks, Dad. I’m not the poor bugger who’s had to sit next to Mother for the whole meal.’
He smiled weakly as he shook his head. ‘Where is she?’
‘Do you really need to ask?’
His eyes flicked in the direction of the bar. I nodded and he sighed.
‘How are you holding up without Gary?’ he asked.
‘Surprisingly well. I know it’s only been eight weeks, but things hadn’t been right for quite some time so it was a long time coming. I’ve had my ups and downs, but I’m definitely getting there. The house is on the market, the divorce is going through and I’ve met someone else. It’s change. It’s unexpected change. But it’s good change.’
Dad poured cream into his coffee and stirred. ‘I’m sure I’ll be able to chat to him properly later, but first impressions are good. Is it serious?’
I shrugged. ‘Jess asked me the same thing. He’s told me he loves me.’
Dad stopped stirring and turned to me, mouth slightly open. ‘How long have you been together?’
‘Less than two weeks. You can close your mouth. I didn’t say it back.’
‘Do you feel it?’
‘I don’t think so, but I like him a lot and I don’t want it to end. Right now, it’s exactly what I need it to be and that’s something without a label.’
Dad laughed. ‘Something without a label? I like that.’ He took a sip of his coffee. ‘You know you can say the word anytime and I’ll fly straight home, don’t you?’ His voice cracked as he spoke.
I reached for his hand. ‘I know.’
He took another sip of his coffee. ‘Much as I don’t want to, I think I’d better go and track down your mother and make sure she’s not working her way across the optics.
‘She’s been gone about twenty minutes. She may be on her second trip by now.’
✉︎ From Curtis
How’s the event of the year? Everyone asking about the ex?
* * *
✉︎ To Curtis
Surprisingly not… although I’m sure there’s plenty of whispered gossip
* * *
✉︎ From Curtis
I challenge you to really give them something to gossip about by another risky liaison in the great outdoors. The gauntlet has been laid down, Red. Do you accept?
* * *
✉︎ To Curtis
Hmm. Interesting. I accept. When we were having our photos taken in the garden earlier, I spotted a hidden rose garden with a bench waiting to be christened! xx
Guests had started to move into the bar so the room could be cleared ready for the evening do. Daniel stood up and made his way towards the top table, his eyes fixed on mine. I downed the last sips of champagne, picked up my dolly bag and wrapped it round my wrist, then stood up to meet him, my body fizzing as he ran his hands up my arms and gently kissed me.
‘Having fun?’ I asked.
‘I am, actually, but I’d be having even more fun if it was just the two of us. I don’t suppose we can escape to our room for some private time, can we?’
I grinned. ‘Hold that thought. I think my bridesmaid duties are over, but I need to check on my mother before I can properly relax. Why don’t we go to the bar? I might need to abandon you if Mother isn’t there or if she’s there and a bit worse for wear.
Daniel nodded and gave my hand a gentle squeeze, suggesting he understood. I’d warned him that she liked a few drinks, but I’d shied away from giving him the full details. I’m not really sure what had stopped me. Perhaps a gay husband was enough to confess for the early stages of a relationship without throwing in the bleak truth about an alcoholic mother and a damaged childhood.
The bar was packed with wedding guests but there was no sign of Mother or Dad. My shoulders slumped. ‘Sorry, Daniel. I’d better go and find them.’
‘That’s fine. Come and find me in here when you’re done,’ Daniel said. ‘How long do you think you’ll be? Ten minutes?’
‘Hopefully no more than fifteen and I promise I’ll make it up to you. I’ve got a big surprise for you.’
‘I can’t wait. I love surprises.’
‘Believe me, you’ll definitely love this one.’
But I never got to give him his surprise because I was about to get a big surprise myself. And not a good one.
20
‘Are you looking for someone, dear?’ I turned round to look into the pale watery eyes of Dad’s older sister, Auntie Grace. ‘You look a bit lost.’
‘I’m looking for Mother and Dad. I don’t suppose you’ve seen either of them, have you?’
She tilted her head to one side and sighed. ‘I’m sorry, dear, but your mother was inebriated and making a scene. Trevor took her outside.’
She had to do it, didn’t she? She couldn’t just behave for one afternoon and evening. ‘Thanks, Auntie Grace. Which direction?’
‘That way.’ She pointed towards the front of the hotel. It made sense. Guests had spilled out onto the patio running alongside the back of the bar, but there was only a car park out the front. She could create a scene out there without an audience.
I made my way down the stone steps and along the edge of the car park then stopped when I heard their raised voices coming from a grassy area to the side of the building.
‘She’s your daughter, Marian. Can’t you just lay off the drink and show you care for one day? For one special day?’
‘But I don’t care, so why should I pretend I do? If it hadn’t been for the free bar, I wouldn’t have bothered coming.’
I gasped. How cruel could she be? I gingerly peered round the corner. Mother had kicked her shoes off and was lounging on a wooden bench, clutching a hip flask in one hand and a roll-up cigarette in the other. Dad stood beside her, hands over his mouth in obvious shock at what she’d just said.
‘How could you say something like that?’ he cried. ‘She’s your flesh and blood.’
Mother took a swig from her hip flask and shrugged. ‘So?’
Dad shook his head slowly. ‘What happened to you, Marian? How did you become so bitter and twisted? I look at you like this and I don’t see any of the person I lov
ed in you. Not even a tiny glimmer.’
She laughed bitterly. ‘What happened to me? Do you really need to ask? Kids, Trevor. Bloody kids. Two squawking, demanding, blood-sucking leeches who ruined my life. That’s what happened to me.’
I felt sick. Leaning against the wall, I gasped for breath. I didn’t want to hear any more, yet my feet felt like they were encased in a block of cement, rooting me to the spot.
‘How can you say that about our daughters?’
‘Easily. I should never have had them.’
‘You wanted kids. I didn’t force you into it.’
I peeked round the corner again as she took a long drag on her roll-up. ‘It was the done thing, to have kids, but I didn’t know what I was letting myself in for. If I’d had any idea what it was going to be like, I’d have marched you straight down the clinic for the snip. I hated being a mum. Hated it. From the moment Elise was born, I knew we’d made a mistake.’
‘Then why have a second one?’ Dad paced up and down in front of the bench, shaking his head. ‘Why have Jess?’
‘There was never meant to be a Jess. I was on the pill, for God’s sake. There was no way I wanted to spawn another brat. The only way I could cope with Elise was with vodka. Or gin. Both worked for me. Seems I was a bit too pissed to remember to take my pill regularly. Next thing I know, I’m up the duff and that one was worse than the first. Like I had the time and energy to cope with a sickly baby. Now she’s having her own brats and she expects me to be happy about being a grandma. Twins? Yuck.’
I watched in horror as Dad sank to his knees. ‘You never told me,’ he said.
‘Told you what?’
‘That you hated being a mum.’
‘You wouldn’t have listened if I had. You were smitten with them. You didn’t need me anymore. You had your perfect little family.’
‘I did need you. You were my family too.’
‘Yeah, well, I didn’t need any of you.’ She waggled her hip flask in front of his face. ‘This is my family. This is all I need.’ She pulled herself to her feet. ‘Now bugger off and leave me in peace.’ She staggered across the gardens and through an arch in a hedge, disappearing from view.
My heart raced as I debated what to do next. Should I rush forward and comfort him? If I did, he’d know that I’d overheard the ugly truth that my mother hated her own children. Would that hurt him more than the pain of coming to terms with the revelation on his own? I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. Yes, it would. I needed to leave him to his grief. I slowly edged my way along the side of the building and up the steps, gripping onto the handrail for support.
I needed to be alone while I gathered my thoughts. Spying a high-backed leather armchair tucked away in a dark corner of the reception area, I gratefully sank into it as my mind whirred with memories of growing up with a bitter alcoholic for a mother. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I unbuckled my sandals and curled my bare feet under me.
Daniel would be waiting for me in the bar but I couldn’t face him. I wasn’t strong enough to explain it to him, but I needed to tell someone. Sarah. I couldn’t look for her in case Daniel spotted me so I rang her but it went straight to voicemail. I tried Nick’s phone, but his did the same. Who else could I speak to? Gary. He’d been by my side through every battle with my mother and would understand exactly how I was feeling. Even better, he’d know exactly what to say to take the pain away. He always had.
‘Elise? Are you okay?’ Gary asked.
‘No,’ I sobbed. ‘I need you Gary. It’s my mother. She’s… she said… it was…’ I couldn’t say it aloud.
‘Where are you?’
‘At the wedding.’
‘The Forester’s Arms?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ll be there in ten minutes.’
Sinking back in the chair, I clenched and un-clenched my fists as images swam round in my mind of Mother screaming at me, screaming at Jess, screaming at Dad, hurling insults, hurling vases, throwing my treasured wooden jewellery box down the stairs, throwing Dad’s belongings out into the street, burning mine and Jess’s books and toys. I remembered some of the names she’d call us over the years and how distraught Dad had been as he’d tried to cover our ears and whisper reassurances that she didn’t mean it and that he loved us as big as the universe and beyond.
From my hidden corner, I watched Dad shuffle back into the hotel like a broken man. He picked up his room key from reception then clung onto the bannister and hauled himself up each wooden stair as if he had no strength left in his body. I wanted to run after him and comfort him, but it would break his heart into a thousand pieces to know that I’d overheard their altercation. I couldn’t do it to him.
I thought about Daniel waiting in the bar, no doubt wondering where the hell I was. He wouldn’t be alone, though. He knew Sarah and had bonded with the rest of the table during the meal. As a rep, he was also used to chatting to complete strangers. And he hadn’t come looking for me because I’d have seen him so I didn’t need to worry about him being all alone.
Waiting on the steps a few minutes later, it felt like my knight in shining armour had arrived when I saw Gary’s Lexus turning into the drive. I ran towards the car, desperate for his comfort. As soon as he’d pulled into a space, he leapt out and wrapped his arms round me. My body racked with sobs as he held me close, stroked my back, and whispered soothing words into my hair. When the tears were spent and I felt ready to talk, we sat in the car and I opened up about what I’d seen and heard.
‘I’m so sorry for ruining your evening, but I couldn’t find Sarah and you were the only one who’d understand.’
Gary squeezed my hand. ‘Forget about my evening. You did the right thing to call me. I know we’re not together anymore and I know I’ve hurt you really badly, but I’ll always be here for you any time you need me. You know that, don’t you?’
I nodded, silent tears raining down my cheeks. He’d told me a lot of lies, but at that moment, I knew he was telling the truth and I felt comforted and safe.
21
‘Where’ve you been?’ Jess planted her hands on her hips and tried to frown, but the grin on her face and the sparkle in her eyes stopped her from pulling it off. ‘You missed the first dance.’
‘Did I? I’m sorry, Jess. Something came up.’
‘Are you all right? You look like you’ve been crying.’
After saying goodbye to Gary, I’d nipped up to the bedroom and quickly re-applied my smudged make-up, but no amount of mascara or eyeliner could mask my red eyes. I smiled. ‘It’s an emotional day seeing my baby sister get married. I’ll admit to having a little weep.’
Jess hugged me. ‘Aw, you’re such a softie.’
Glancing round the bar, there was no sign of Daniel. It was past eight, which meant I’d abandoned him at a wedding full of strangers for about an hour and a half. That was pretty unforgivable. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d thrown a strop and caught a taxi home, but his bag was still in our room so he had to be here somewhere.
‘He’s fine,’ Jess said. ‘He was outside chatting to Izzy last time I saw him.’
Phew! He hadn’t been alone. ‘Is Megan still around?’
‘Her grandma picked her up about ten minutes ago. She was shattered, poor thing.’
‘How are you feeling?’
‘Also shattered, but I’m having an amazing time.’ She stroked her stomach. ‘Try as they might, I’m not letting these two put me to bed early.’
‘Don’t overdo it.’
‘Yes, mum!’
Inwardly, I flinched at the mention of the word ‘mum’. How could our mother feel so much venom towards this beautiful woman in front of me with twins growing inside of her? It beggared belief.
A group of Jess’s friends arrived for the evening do so I said goodbye and headed off in search of Daniel. I was relieved to see Dad in the bar with Auntie Grace and a handful of other relatives. Although he was laughing and joking with them, I could tell that
he wasn’t really in the room. Mother had well and truly broken him.
Daniel wasn’t in the bar. He wasn’t on the terrace or the dance floor. I made my way back up to the bedroom, but he wasn’t there either. I looked towards the bed. What I wouldn’t give to crawl under the duvet and pretend this evening had never happened. But I couldn’t abandon Daniel for the whole night and I certainly couldn’t bail early on my sister’s wedding.
It was another hour before our paths crossed. His face fell when he saw me and I prepared myself for a lecture – rightly so – for abandoning him for so long. I didn’t expect him to say: ‘So are you and Gary back together, then?’
‘What? Of course not!’
‘I saw you together in the car park.’
I took his arm and steered him out onto the deserted terrace, away from earwigging relatives.
‘What did you see?’
‘Him speeding into the car park in his posh car and you all over him. Were you having such a crap time with me that you had to call your ex to rescue you?’
‘It wasn’t like that.’ To be fair to Daniel, I could see exactly why it would look like that, but I couldn’t even begin to explain what I’d witnessed and the complicated history with my mother.
‘We said no lies,’ he challenged. ‘If it’s not over with Gary, you need to tell me. I can’t be number two again.’
I reached for his hand. ‘There’s nothing going on with Gary. He’s gay. He’s with someone else.’
‘But you’d have him back if he wasn’t gay, wouldn’t you?’
‘He is gay so that’s not even an option.’
Daniel let go of my hand and took a step back from me. Damn! I should have just said ‘no’.
‘But you’d have him back if he wasn’t. Go on. Admit it.’
‘I’ll admit no such thing. You’re being ridiculous.’
‘Ridiculous? I’m not the one who invited my new partner to their sister’s wedding, abandoned them for two or three hours, and spend part of that time in the arms of my ex.’
Finding Hope at Lighthouse Cove Page 15