“You’re just here,” Tobi repeated rolling her eyes as if I’d insulted her. “You don’t just get here. You’ve got to be really fucked up. Otherwise, they put you on one of the other units.” She looked proud.
“I came from the hospital?” It sounded like I was asking permission for something.
Shelly and Tobi exchanged another look.
“We’ll find out about your story, little miss secretive,” Shelly said. “We know everything that goes on here.”
Shelly had to be close to forty, but she reminded me of the mean girls from high school, the ones who liked to pick on Emily for failing math and making out with guys she barely knew or sleeping with their boyfriends. Much like yesterday, Shelly’s hair and makeup were done. Her makeup was painted on as if she might be going to the club. Her long lashes were obviously fake and she had on so much red lipstick that it kept getting stuck on her teeth. Tobi sat next to her. She was covered in tattoos all the way down her arms and her husband’s name was branded across her chest. Unlike Shelly’s short bleached-blond hair, Tobi’s hair was long and dark. She flipped it over her shoulders and twirled it constantly. Her hair and makeup were done the same way as Shelly’s and she wore a low-cut tank top even though it was freezing. Denise was the quiet one among them. Her hair and makeup were done too, but not nearly as dramatic and her boobs weren’t spilling out of her shirt like Shelly’s and Tobi’s. The three of them seemed to be competing for some kind of prize, but I couldn’t imagine what the competition was for. I watched them as they dipped their Lorna Doone cookies in milk. I couldn’t eat cookies or drink milk. My stomach still felt too weak to eat.
“You don’t have to sit there if you’re not gonna eat,” Shelly said as if I was doing something wrong. A minute ago we were laughing and having fun playing cards, but now she looked at me like she couldn’t stand me and I had no idea what I’d done to offend her.
I got up and went back to the couch. Rose still wasn’t back yet. Matt was the only other one who wasn’t eating. I hadn’t seen him eat yet, but unlike Rose, nobody cared that he didn’t. He stared out the window like a statue. His face was a blank slate. Did he ever speak? Is that what was going to happen to me if I stayed here? Was I eventually going to join him by the window? The thought of being him seemed less scary than ending up like Rick and Darin. They were tortured and on edge every moment of the day, but Matt was completely unaffected by his surroundings. Maybe he’d permanently left his body. Was his mind empty too?
“Did you miss me?” Rose plopped down next to me.
“Yes.”
I felt more comfortable when she was around. It was a new feeling, because the only female friend I’d ever had was Emily.
“Sorry you had to eat with those three,” she whispered, gesturing over to the table where Shelly and her crew were still eating cookies. “They’re crazy.” She laughed. “You know what I mean. We’re all crazy. Just different versions. Pick your poison.”
“Shelly’s odd. She makes me so uncomfortable,” I whispered back. “I don’t trust her at all. I don’t know why Tobi and Denise like her so much. They never leave her side.”
“Totally. I don’t either. She’s all in your business if you let her. She got here first and didn’t talk to anyone for the longest time. All she did was wail and threaten to kill herself. She was so dramatic all the time. She’d throw herself all over the place, sobbing hysterically and screaming she was going to cut herself until staff came running. Then Tobi got here and she totally mellowed out. They’ve been best friends ever since. I think Denise only hangs out with them because she wants friends, but I can tell Shelly embarrasses her sometimes.” She leaned even closer. “I think Shelly and Tobi are together together. I caught them kissing. And they’re both married.”
Polly’s voice interrupted, “Rose, stop.”
What did it matter that Rose was talking about them?
“I’m not doing it,” Rose whined.
Doing what?
“I’ve been seeing you since you sat down. You know you’re not allowed.”
I looked over my shoulder at Polly and back at Rose. She folded her hands on her lap and frowned.
“Fine,” Rose said.
We sat in silence for a few minutes, except for Rose’s occasional exaggerated sighs.
“I’m not allowed to move around after I eat. They think I’m exercising by moving my legs or something. Another one of my rules,” she said. Her hands were folded on her legs. Every few seconds, one of her legs would spasm and then stop. She looked like she was in pain and it hurt her not to move.
“Do you ever get to exercise?”
“Nope. Never.” Her eyes welled with big tears.
I wanted to give her permission to jump up and run around the room. Exercise couldn’t be that bad for her. I’d let her do laps every once in a while so she could get it out of her system. I patted her on the back, feeling her sharp and pointed bones underneath.
“So, how are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m go—” I stopped myself from finishing the lie. “I don’t know …”
It was the first honest thing I’d said about how I felt since I’d woken up in the hospital. It felt good because I hated lying. I couldn’t stand it. It was one of the things I said I’d never do after watching Mother lie more than she ever told the truth. I preferred to say nothing instead of saying something untrue.
“Yeah. I feel you. It’s hard to be here. At least you’re not puking anymore. I’d be on more restrictions if I did.”
“Oh, so you don’t puke?” I thought everybody with an eating disorder puked.
“Nope. But maybe I’ll have to start,” she said. “Did you hear that, Polly? I said I’m gonna start puking.”
I stared in awe at Rose’s ability to make jokes all the time. She’d adjusted so well to being here and I couldn’t imagine how she did it. Did she feel like I felt when it was her first time? Did the doctors put her through the same mental tests they were putting me through? Did she pass hers? Had I passed mine this morning? Was I ever going to get a clue what the right answers were?
Mark, the group leader from yesterday, appeared and on cue everyone stood to crowd around him. We made our way down the hallway in the same manner as the day before. We took our seats and I was more prepared for the bizarre ritual about to repeat itself. It began shortly after we were settled, with everyone’s eyes on Mark as if he was some type of god to be revered, although I was unsure what he’d done to gain that type of status.
“Let’s start with introductions.”
He recited the same script. Everyone went around the room taking turns. Everyone said their name followed by a list of mental illnesses and then recounted how many days they’d been in the hospital. When my turn arrived, I followed the same script exactly like I did before. I expected to be left alone like yesterday. Instead, the focus remained on me.
“So, you tried to kill yourself, huh?” Shelly was peering at me from across the room with an even angrier look than she’d had earlier and I couldn’t figure out how I’d unknowingly angered her again. “Does that mean you’re depressed?”
I shook my head.
“Are you a drunk?”
I shook my head again.
“What’s your deal, then?” Her eyes narrowed to slits and her lips pressed together to form a silent challenge.
I shrugged my shoulders. “I guess I don’t know what you mean.”
Shelly threw her arms up in the air and turned to look at Denise, who nodded in agreement. “This bitch drives me crazy.”
Mark interjected, “Shelly, I need you to watch your language.” He nodded at her as if to give her permission to continue and I couldn’t imagine why he’d be aligned with her.
“Do you even know where you are?” she asked.
I nodded. “Yes, I do.”
I hoped my answer would be good enough to get her to focus her attention on somebody else besides me.
“You’re in a
nut ward. And not just some pansy-ass ‘oh, poor me, I took too many pills because my boyfriend broke up with me’ kind. We’re talking about being a step away from the state hospital. That’s where you are. And like I said earlier, you don’t end up here by accident.”
There were different types of psych wards? Who knew these kinds of things, anyway? And why did she care so much? I wanted to ask her, but I didn’t want to make her any angrier. Anger scared me. It didn’t matter who was angry—I didn’t like it.
Rose piped up, “Leave her alone.”
“Leave her alone,” Shelly mimicked her, the same way a five-year-old might. Her friends on either side of her burst into giggles. We’d all been playing cards a few minutes ago, but now Shelly was looking at me like she wanted to claw my eyes out.
“Look, she really doesn’t have any idea why she’s here or what’s going on,” Rose said.
Was that true? Should I be insulted?
Shelly’s face relaxed and became curious instead. “Like she’s psychotic? Out of it, you mean? She really doesn’t look like one of the psychos.”
Mark interrupted a second time, “I’m gonna have to ask you to watch your language again.”
Was she swearing?
“Kinda,” Rose replied, turning to look at me apologetically.
“Oh.” Shelly relaxed in her chair, as if she was satisfied now.
Part of me thought I should be offended because Rose referred to me as a psycho, which is never a good name to be called no matter where you were, but for some reason I wasn’t. I was simply glad the moment was over and the attention had shifted away from me.
12
Dr. Larson met me in the hallway on the way out of group.
“How was group?”
“It was fine,” I said.
I’d been left alone after Shelly’s initial obsession with me. The focus had moved to Tobi. She’d filled most of the hour crying and talking about how her husband was verbally abusive to her and her frustration with not being able to leave him even though he treated her badly. She blamed her inability to leave him on being beat up by her stepfather when she was a little girl. Her stepfather had beaten her with a wooden paddle since she was three and started raping her when she was nine. He’d gotten her pregnant when she was fourteen, and her mother had forced her to have an abortion. She’d married her husband when she was seventeen so she could leave home. I was amazed she could talk about her experiences so openly with people she barely knew.
“Great,” he responded as if this made him happy. “The team is waiting for you.”
My stomach lurched forward and for a second, I was sure I was going to throw up again. I swallowed it back down. Dr. Larson walked down the hallway and I followed. It was not an invitation or even a request, because even without being told, I knew nothing was optional in this place. I’d only been here for one day, but I’d already learned I was expected to follow the leader at all times and do as I was told. My heart beat faster and faster. By the time we reached the door, I was dizzy and lightheaded as if I’d sprinted there from fifty yards away.
The team was assembled in the same way as the previous day. They looked like they were seated in the same places, but I couldn’t be sure. I didn’t remember any of their names. I took the seat at the head of the table once again, and much like yesterday, all eyes were on me. I had to pay attention. Stay focused.
Dr. Larson didn’t waste any time getting started. “We know you had a rather rough morning. We’re all wondering how you’re doing with the information we processed in our individual session this morning.”
There was a long, drawn-out pause.
“And how are you doing?” he prompted.
“Oh, I um … I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was a question. I guess, um … I’m doing all right?”
“Really?” The woman to my right spoke up, raising her eyebrows.
I snuck a peek at her name tag: Karen. Karen Heimer, Ph.D. Her hair was in the same tight ponytail it’d been in yesterday.
“I guess so. I felt better after a nap.”
What was I supposed to be saying?
“Maybe you could take some time and tell all of us about your session with Dr. Larson,” Dr. Heimer said.
This time, I knew she was asking me a question without asking me a question and I was supposed to respond.
Think, Elizabeth. Think.
“We talked about Emily,” I said.
There. That was good.
There was another long, drawn-out pause. Some of them exchanged glances, others scribbled in their notebooks, and the rest continued to stare holes into my face. The clock on the wall ticked. Their pens scratched their papers.
Dr. Heimer broke the silence. “Tell me more about it.”
I cleared my throat. “I think Dr. Larson was checking to see if I was crazy or not. I think he was seeing if I knew what reality was.”
Dr. Heimer glanced at Dr. Larson and then back at me. “And how did he do that?”
I looked away from her peering eyes for a moment and stared at the black marble table in front of me. “He told me Emily has been dead for two years.”
My head was rolling and becoming unattached. I willed it to stay.
“Why do you think he would tell you that?” she asked.
I didn’t like her questions or her. I wanted her to leave me alone. Why wouldn’t she let someone else talk? I forced myself to look at her and to speak.
“Like I said, I think he wanted to see if I was crazy.”
“Saying Emily has been dead for two years would be a test to see if you were crazy?”
I was doing good. It would be over soon.
“If he could convince me of something as ridiculous as Emily being dead for two years, then it would mean I didn’t know what was going on or how to tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Basically, he gave me a test to see if I’m psychotic like some of the other people here.”
I was proud of myself. It was a great answer. Nobody could argue with it.
“Elizabeth, I want you to listen to me carefully.” Dr. Heimer was speaking slowly now, enunciating every syllable perfectly as if I had difficulty hearing. “Dr. Larson was not trying to test or trick you in any way. Dr. Larson was telling the truth. Emily has been dead for two years.”
I hated her. I wanted to lunge across the table, grab her pen, and stab her with it.
“Do you understand what I’m saying? Emily died two years ago,” she said, not breaking her gaze.
“Stop it!” I screamed, jumping up from my chair. “You’re doing it too. You’re all in on it. You’re horrible people. What kind of monsters are you? How can you mess with someone’s head? Why are you doing this to me?”
“We aren’t trying to hurt you,” someone said. “We’re trying to help you. No one is lying or trying to trick you. Your sister has been dead for a long time.”
“Shut up!” I lunged at Dr. Heimer. I couldn’t help it. I wanted to make her be quiet.
I screamed wildly in her face. I saw the spit flying from my mouth and my fists shaking as I reached for her throat like I was going to choke her. The room around sprang to life. I watched as the doctors in the room rushed around us and tried to grab me. I was screaming at them too. Clawing at them, as if I was a wild animal just released from captivity. One of them hit a button on the wall and three big men rushed into the room. They pulled me away from Dr. Heimer and I flailed my arms and legs as they pinned my arms back. My screaming was becoming incomprehensible. Only sounds. They were carrying me to my room. I looked down at them as they stuck a needle in my arm and then relaxed as blackness enveloped me. The screaming stopped.
My eyes snapped open.
I have to get out of here.
I tried to sit up, but jerked back towards the bed. I strained against myself. I could move, but couldn’t go anywhere. I looked to my right and then to my left. Each arm was being held down by a belt tied around my wrists and attached to the bed rail. I couldn�
�t see down to the end of my legs, but I was sure they were tied up in the same way because I couldn’t move them either. I was chained to my bed. I moaned.
Polly was by my bedside instantly, peering down at me.
“How are you feeling?” she asked.
I refused to try to answer her question.
“They put you in restraints in case you were still fighting when you came to,” she said. “I can take these off of you, but they will be put right back on if you can’t behave.”
I’d never been in any kind of trouble before. Never. I’d always followed the rules and done what I was told, but I nodded to assure her I’d be good. She released my arms first and I sat up while she undid the belts tied around my ankles.
“You missed dinner, but I saved your plate. You want it?”
I shook my head.
“You probably only have a few minutes before your visitors get here, so we can just wait here and—”
“No visitors. I don’t want to see anyone.”
“Are you sure? You should feel fortunate to have people that want to come see you—”
“No visitors.”
I had no desire to see the Rooths or Thomas. The only thing more horrible than seeing them right now would be meeting with the team again. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.
“All right, then. Have it your way. We’ll go have a seat in the family room with everyone else.” She smiled down at me as if we were friends.
Shelly and her gang were in their usual position playing cards. They paused to stare at me as I walked into the room and exchanged glances with each other. I scanned the room for Rose and she looked up at me like she’d been waiting for me. I took a seat next to her on the couch.
She smiled at me when I made eye contact. “You’re one of us now.”
There wasn’t any maliciousness or mockery in her smile. It was completely welcoming. I didn’t understand anything that had happened with the doctors today, but I did understand one thing—Rose was right. I was one of them. I didn’t know when I’d become one of them or if I’d always been one, but I was now. I’d been initiated into whatever strange society this was.
Phantom Limb: A Gripping Psychological Thriller Page 12