I picked it up and carried it over to the sink. I stood there, turning it over in my head for a while before finally just turned it upside down and letting the powder fall off of it. I ran the hot water then to wash it down and I washed off the mirror. I wondered if it was true about all drains leading to the ocean. If it was, there’d be some happy fish later on.
The straws went into the trash and then I opened the box. There were papers and a baggie with enough weed for another two or three joints. Personally, I didn’t consider marijuana to actually be a drug, but I’d been down that road before. At rehab, they were going to extoll it’s evils to me and talk about how it led to other, harder drugs. With a heavy sigh, I took it into the bathroom and flushed it down the toilet. I threw the papers away and washed out the box. It was all gone. I wondered if tobacco was a bad thing. Maybe I’d buy a pack of smokes before I got locked away in no-drug land.
I cleaned up my bedroom and the living room, throwing away the bong. The crack pipe was already taken care of. I’d broken it to pieces the day I kicked it across the room. I carried a load of clothes down to the laundry room. Mrs. Stromboli was on her way out. She hadn’t made eye-contact with me once since the day she saw me naked in the hall. I tried smiling at her and saying hello, but she just walked quickly by like I was going to rape her old fat ass. I really didn’t give a shit if she liked me or not. It was easier that way; if people don’t like you, they don’t bother you. I remember how many people used to pretend they liked me, when I still had a little money and my name still meant something. I sure didn’t see those bastards around anymore.
I put a load in the washing machine and went back upstairs. It was weird, opening the door to a clean apartment that actually smelled decent, too. I had to use the broom on the carpet in the living room—I didn’t own a vacuum. That resulted in a huge pile of crap that I swept into the dustpan and threw away. Then I had to clean the kitchen floor again because I’d swept everything in there.
I saved the bathroom for last. It was so disgusting that they wouldn’t have even allowed it at the Chevron station down the street. I scrubbed for quite a while, finally giving up and telling myself it was going to take some bleach to get all the stains out. I didn’t have any bleach, so I’d have to come back to it. When that was done, I went into my room and got my guitar and the notepad I use to write my songs. I sat down on the couch and strummed the guitar a few times. I was spending so much time alone that I was running out of inspiration for new music. I thought about all the songs that other artists, like Elton John and the Eagles and the like had written and performed and made a billion fucking dollars off about drugs. I wondered how well one by me would be received. Maybe something good would come out of all of it.
I picked up the pen and started writing. I wrote and scratched out and changed the whole thing about ten times, and when I was satisfied that I was on the right track, the song I was writing turned out to be about addiction…and how it affected your whole life. It was pretty depressing, but it was a good song and it was true. So kind of cathartic.
I got a good start on that and felt like I was satisfied with it so far when I realized it was getting late in the day. I needed to start working on my music for round seven. I got that music book out and started marking the changes I wanted the musicians to make. As I worked on it, I played it myself on the guitar to see what it sounded like and sang it through a couple of times. I made changes here and there as I went, and just about the time I was really jamming on it, someone was banging on my fucking door.
Pissed at the interruption, I slammed the guitar down and went over and pulled open the door. Shit! It was my landlord.
“Hi, Tristan,” he said. He had a neat little stapled pile of papers in his hand. It looked like legal paperwork and I was already pretty sure that I knew what it was.
“Hey, Buck, what’s up?” I leaned against the door jam.
He didn’t make eye contact with me. “I like you, Tristan….”
“Shit, Buck, just tell me what the fuck is up,” I said. At that moment, I didn’t care how it was making him feel to kick me out of my home. I obviously had enough problems of my own.
“Okay, fine. I need the rent money. You’re three months behind. I would have evicted anyone else by now.” He handed me the papers and said, “I’m gonna give you thirty days to come up with it and then the eviction process starts.”
Fuck! I hadn’t had a gig in weeks. I had like a hundred bucks in the bank and no prospects on the horizon. I didn’t even know how the hell I was going to pay for rehab. My very first thought was that a hundred bucks would buy me enough cocaine and weed that, by the end of the day, I wouldn’t give a shit.
“Okay,” was all I said to the landlord. I closed the door in his face. I wasn’t about to grovel to that slumlord motherfucker. I know I’d just been saying what a nice guy he was, but that was before I was actually looking at living in the fucking park.
I walked back over to the couch and tried to finish working on my song. I couldn’t concentrate though. All I could think about was calling my guy and seeing what he could hook me up with. Shit! I had to get out of there, but I didn’t know where else to go but a fucking bar. I suddenly thought of Elly. I thought a ride on my bike might do me some good. Seeing Elly might do me better. I sent her a text.
“I need to get out of here. I’m thinking about scoring. Text me your address.”
A few minutes later, she did.
Chapter Two
Elly
I woke up to the buzzing of my phone. I groggily reached over to find it on my nightstand and my hand bumped into the picture of my boyfriend…my dead boyfriend. I was tired of him judging me. He died because he had no self-control. I’d spent months making that my problem. I grabbed the picture and slammed it down flat. Then I finally grabbed of the phone. It was a text from Tristan. It said that he was thinking about scoring. I sat up and text him my address. Then I sat the phone down and wiped the sleep out of my eyes.
Realizing that I was hungry and Tristan might be too when he got there, I decided to cook some breakfast before he came over. I got up and went into the bathroom. I washed my face and brushed my teeth and pulled my hair back into a ponytail at the nape of my neck. I had on a t-shirt and panties, but it was hot in the apartment; Susie hadn’t turned off the heat before she left for work. I turned it down. I’d get dressed before Tristan got there.
I went out to the kitchen and pulled out the stuff to make pancakes. While I was mixing the batter, my phone rang. I was afraid for a second that Tristan had changed his mind and he’d decided on getting high instead. I had worried for no reason though: it was my mom.
“Hi, Mom,” I answered as I poured the batter by spoonful’s onto the griddle.
“Hi, Sweetheart, how are you?”
I was holding the phone to my ear with my shoulder. “I’m good. I was just making breakfast. I have chorus later this morning.”
“Mm, what are you making?” she asked.
“Pancakes and eggs,” I said.
“That sounds good. Is Susie having breakfast with you?”
“No, my friend…” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence.
“Your friend who?”
“A guy that I’m sort of seeing is coming over….”
“You’re seeing someone? That’s great, honey. Your father and I have been so worried about you since…well, anyways, you’re a young, beautiful girl and I’m glad you’re getting back out there.”
“Thanks, Mom. It’s just dating for now…” I still had guilt over the worry I put them through when my boyfriend died and I got into drugs.
“You’re making breakfast for him. He didn’t spend the night, did he?” she went on to say.
I rolled my eyes. I knew she worried, but she also still thought I was twelve sometimes. “No, Mom. He’s not even here yet.”
“I’d like to meet him. Your father and I are coming out for your concert.” I could hear the curiosity in h
er voice.
“No, Mom. We’re really not there yet. It would probably scare him off. We’ve barely started dating.” I changed the subject by asking her if she’d been watching the show.
“We watch it religiously. I think Tristan’s going to win. Your father was sure that blonde girl…Brooke? I think that was her name. He was sure she was going to win. He thinks she must have been sick or something that last performance because she did so poorly. I wondered if maybe it was the sound system or something. Tristan seemed to have a bad time that same night.”
“Yeah, well, it’s a lot of pressure for them,” I told her. “It’s actually pretty grueling work to have to be on that much. Tell Daddy that I heard Brooke already got offered a contract, so don’t feel too bad for her.”
“What about you, honey? They don’t work you too hard, do they? You still have time for your school work and yourself without having to stress too much? I don’t want you making yourself sick.” Oh, mom.
“Yeah, I’m doing fine. I like the job a lot. Everything else is good, too. I’ve been doing well in all of my classes. I’m healthy as a horse.”
“Did you meet your new boy at school?” I thought it was hilarious how she kept referring to him as a boy. Tristan would love that. I couldn’t tell her who he was though…at least not yet. She would worry herself sick.
“No, Mom, I met him through work,” I told her. It wasn’t exactly a lie.
“How old is he?” Oh, mother!
“He’s twenty-eight.”
“Twenty-eight? He’s quite a bit older than you…” I had known that was coming.
“It’s only six years, Mom. Please don’t worry; I’m only dating him for now anyways, barely.”
“Okay,” she said, but she didn’t sound like she wasn’t going to worry.
“What day are you and Daddy going to be here for the show?”
“Since it’s on a Friday, we thought we’d come on Thursday and stay through the weekend. Don’t worry though; we’ve already made hotel reservations. We won’t pile in on you and Susie. Your father and I can’t wait to hear you sing in the concert. Oh! Why don’t you invite your new boy to the show? He can hear your angel voice and we can meet him.” There was a knock on my door. Tristan must have left his house as soon as he texted me. He’d gotten there really fast.
“Oh! Someone’s knocking on the door, Mom…”
I pulled it open and Tristan looked me up and down with a raised eyebrow. I still had my mother on the line when he said, “Do you always answer the door in your underwear?”
“Hey, Mom, I have to go.”
“Is everything okay?” I was pretty sure she heard his comment. She was getting better at practicing her self-control.
I laughed, “Everything is fine, Mom. Please stop worrying. I love you. Kiss Daddy for me.”
“We love you, too.”
I disconnected the call and said, “Come on in before my neighbors see me.”
He stepped in with a grin and said, “I figured since you answered the door that way, they’d seen it all before.”
I had to take him by the arm and physically pull him in. I think he was hoping someone would see me, maybe as payback for the night he ran naked after me. Once I had him inside I said, “I got a phone call and didn’t realize how much time was passing. I planned on getting dressed…”
“I’m not complaining,” he said. He stepped forward and grabbing my ass with both hands, he pulled me against his chest. “It makes you look like you’re ready to fuck. Since I’m always ready…that’s a good thing.”
I pushed back from him and said, “No, Tristan! I have a class soon. I thought you needed to talk. I made breakfast.”
He looked pissed. That was just fine. How dare he tell me he was in trouble just to get over here and get me in bed? Being his sex toy was getting a little old.
“Okay then, let’s eat,” he said. I should have known he didn’t want to talk.
I fixed him a plate and then told him I’d be right back. I went in the bedroom and pulled on my jeans. When I went back out to the kitchen, he looked me up and down again and rolled his eyes. Bastard really did think he was going to come over here and get a piece of ass under the guise of needing to talk.
I fixed my own plate and sat down. After several minutes of silence I said, “So what’s going on?”
He shrugged and said, “Nothing, really.”
“I thought you wanted to…”
“I don’t really want to talk about it,” he said, cutting me off.
Then don’t fucking text me and say you do. I thought it, but I didn’t say it out loud. I didn’t want to argue with him.
The rest of our breakfast was basically silent. When he finished eating he got up and went over to the sink and rinsed off his plate. I found that a little bit amusing, considering the state his apartment was always in.
“Thanks,” I told him, doing the same with mine. “I don’t want to be rude, but if you’re really fine, I have to get to my chorus class. We have a concert coming up.”
“You sing?” he asked me.
“In a group,” I said.
“Are you any good?” he asked.
“I’m okay. Anyways, I need to get there so…”
“I’ll take you,” he said, quickly.
“No, it’s okay. I can drive.”
“I’m sure you can,” he said. “Let me take you. Don’t you want a ride on the bike?”
“Really, it’s okay….”
“Fine!” he looked pissed again. His moods were hard to keep up with.
“Okay, don’t get mad. I just didn’t want to put you out. If it’s not an inconvenience, I’ll take a ride.”
“Good,” he said.
“I’m going to get ready. You can have a seat in the living room.”
“Okay,” he said. He stayed in the kitchen, though, and after I got ready and came back out, I was shocked to see that he had cleaned it up.
“Wow! Thank you, you didn’t have to do that.”
He shrugged again and said, “Are you ready?”
He was likely the most frustrating man on earth. “Yeah, I’m ready.”
On the way to the school, I held onto him for dear life. He drove like a maniac, weaving in and out of traffic. He’d given me the helmet, but it seemed small in comparison to what the asphalt or a two-ton car or truck might do to me. I breathed a sigh of relief when he pulled into the front lot of the university.
“Is this lot close enough?” he asked. “I can drive you around if you want.”
“No!” I realized I’d answered too quickly and I said, “No, thank you. This is fine.” He gave me a quick peck on the lips and I could feel him watching me all the way to the door. As I headed down the hall towards the music room I thought about my mother telling me to invite him to the concert and laughed. It wasn’t the sort of thing Tristan and I did together.
Chapter Three
Tristan
It was time for round seven. There were only four of us left and here I was, sober and climbing the fucking walls. I had no fucking clue how I was going to make it through rehab. It had only been a couple of days and I already felt like I was crawling out of my fucking skin. I guess that was further proof that I was the “A” word, but I didn’t want to think about that. All I really needed was one toke, or two, and it would take the edge off of the anxiety that felt like it was crushing my fucking chest--even a beer would have worked, or maybe two. I couldn’t sit in that room, listening to the other three talk about how they were so happy for all of us and at this point it really didn’t matter who won. Fuck that! Maybe it didn’t matter to them. Maybe they weren’t nearly thirty years old and about to be homeless. It fucking mattered to me, but my thoughts were racing and my skin was crawling and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do that shit without at least a hit of something.
“Are you okay?” It was Elly. I was out in the hallway, pacing, and she’d stuck her head out the door to check on me, I guess. There w
ere a group of techies and shit coming towards us down the hall and they’d heard her ask me that like I was fucking ten years old and needed a mother. I don’t know why women thought just because you were fucking them, it gave them the right to put their nose in the rest of your business.
“I’m fine. I’d be better if you’d shut the fuck up and leave me alone,” I told her. It sounded ugly when it came out of my mouth and she looked like she’d been punched right in the face.
The other people in the hall stopped talking all at once. Elly just then realized they were there. Looking mortified, she went back inside the other room. I looked over at the little group and they were all staring at me. Finally I threw my arms up and said,
“What? Fuck!” That got rid of them. I didn’t give a shit what these people thought of me. They were not living my life. They had no fucking clue what I’d been going through. When one of them has to stop using the only thing that makes them sane most days and they are looking at being locked in a fucking rehab and talked to like they were a twelve-year-old moron, then they could judge me.
When it was finally my turn, Elly sent her little friend out to get me. I guess she was afraid I’d yell at her again.
“Tristan, you’re up,” she said. She was judging me too, I’m sure, but I didn’t give a fuck about her, either. I pushed past her and as I walked into the contestant room; I suddenly felt like everything was out of focus. I felt exhausted and my whole body was aching. Fuck! I couldn’t go out on stage like that; I’d never make it through my set. I grabbed a bottle of water off the table and opened it. Then, I poured it over my head. I knew they were all looking at me, but I had to get some control before I went out there. We were live and I was a fucking mess. I smacked my face in my hands, took a deep breath and ran out on stage. The lights felt like they were beating down on me, scorching my skin, and the fucking judges were looking at me like they had something to say about me delaying the show. I signaled to the band to start up before they could. I wanted to tell them to fuck off in front of ninety million people.
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