“Okay,” I said. My mouth was dry and my hands shaking, but most of that could still have been withdrawals.
“Tristan,” Clint said, leaning in towards me, “Is there something else going on with you? Is there anything we can do here to help you? You’re a very talented young man. I would so hate to see you blow this.”
Fuck! I hated talking about my shit to complete strangers. I think I might have felt better thinking they did want me to get kicked off. But this was my one chance…my golden opportunity to tell them I was going into rehab, and hopefully they would be willing to help me…..maybe even financially.
“Thank you,” I said, trying to act like a human. “I have a drug problem,” I blurted out. Clint didn’t look surprised at all. Tony shifted in his seat, but he wouldn’t look at me. Some people are more uncomfortable talking about drugs than they are sex. “I signed up for rehab; it’s a nice place in Orange County and comes highly recommended. I’m having a hard time coming up with enough money to start. I was also afraid that I wouldn’t be able to finish the show if I went in. I know that it’s hard for you to see it….because of my attitude…but I’ve put a lot of myself into this contest. I don’t want to blow it. I’ve been trying to kick the drugs on my own in the meantime….but as you have seen, it affects me in a lot of ways, none of them good so far.”
Clint looked at Tony and then he said, “I think I can arrange for you to go into rehab and still allow you to be on the show. I’ll have to get it approved through Jake of course, but he’s all for helping people out, so I don’t think he’ll object. We can talk to the directors at the facility and work something out for you to get to and from the studio for your band sessions and the live rounds. You need to start now, though. We can’t take a chance that something like the other night will happen again.”
“I, um…I don’t have the down payment that they want.” I hated feeling like a fucking charity case.
“We’ll pay for it…if you start right away. Again, assuming Jake approves it, I can have a check sent over by the end of the day. Your health is the most important thing here, Tristan…believe it or not.”
I was surprised. I had really expected them to be all talk. I wasn’t used to having people in my life that followed through.
“I-um-yeah, yeah, I’ll go today. Thank you.”
“Do you have the information about the place?” I had it in my phone and I wrote it all down for him. He looked at it and said, “Good, I know this place. They’re really good. I’m sure they’ll work with us.”
“Thank you,” I told him again before I left. He told me to give him an hour and he’d have it all arranged. I rode my bike back to my place telling myself this was a good thing. I had sworn I’d never do rehab again, but that was a long time ago, and I really couldn’t see any other way out of the hole I’d dug myself into. When I got home, I packed a few things…clothes, my music, my toothbrush. I didn’t bother taking anything that I knew they wouldn’t let me take in like a razor or anything in a glass bottle. I looked around the apartment and thought, “At least I won’t need the electricity and water when they get shut off.”
I rode my bike out to where the rehab was. It was kind of nestled in the foothills and it was actually a really pretty place. I pulled into the lot and saw that Elly was standing outside the door. Fucking great!
“What are you, my babysitter? My bodyguard?” I asked her as I walked up to the door. Maybe she didn’t deserve it, but the sight of her had really pissed me off. I was getting tired of her acting like she was my mother.
She raised an eyebrow and said, “Clint had me bring over the check. I wanted to wait and make sure you made it here and you hadn’t changed your mind. I’m sorry if that seems mother-ish to you. I thought that I was being a friend. I’m happy you talked to them and they worked this out for you.”
“They didn’t give me a fucking choice,” I told her.
“You had a choice. You didn’t have to tell them what was going on and accept their help. I’m really glad you’re taking that step.”
“Whoop-di-do!” I said as I grabbed the door handle and started to go inside.
“What are you pissed at me about, Tristan?”
Shit! I’d had my fill of talking already today and I hadn’t even started the fucking rehab. Maybe she deserved some kind of explanation. I was pissed at her, obviously. I opened my mouth and was surprised to hear the truth spill out.
“I haven’t used anything…not even alcohol for four days now. My head fucking throbs all day long. I don’t have any energy. My brain is all foggy and jumping from one subject to the next and my stomach feels like there’s a fucking party going on in their twenty-four-seven. I went and bought drugs the night of the show when I made an ass out of myself on live television. I started to do a line and then I got your text and it reminded me that I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I flushed them again and then I broke the bathroom mirror with my fist. It hasn’t been my best week ever. I’m sorry that I’m angry all the time. I don’t know how to stop it. I wish I did. I look at you and I’m reminded that this was your idea…so I let my brain interpret that as it’s also your fault. True or not, that’s how I feel.”
She had that look on her face that women get when they suddenly decide that you’re not such a big asshole after all. That was probably good, because I still needed to ask her the big question. I’d been so busy being pissed at her, I’d almost forgotten.
“Thanks for explaining that,” she said. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“Yeah, I guess I am too. I’m going to hate this and I’m probably going to get a lot shittier before I get nicer, so consider yourself warned.”
She smiled and said, “Warning received, thanks. Anything I can do….”
“There is something,” I told her. She quietly listened as I said, “I need you to sing with me for the duet next week.”
She acted like maybe she’d heard me wrong. Tilting her head to one side she said, “You need me to do what?”
“Sing with me, Elly. Please.”
“I can’t do that, Tristan. First of all, I don’t sing in front of people….I never have. Most importantly, though, we would both get booted from the show if I did. They would know then that we had a personal relationship.”
“I’m not worried about that,” I told her. “I need someone to sing with. You’re my only hope, Elly, or I’m off the show now. If that’s the case then there’s no point in me even going in those doors right now. I’ll say fuck it all and go get high.”
“That’s not fair. You put the responsibility of you using or getting clean on me. I had sex with you. I kept up my end of the deal, remember?”
“I think I got the bum end of that one. You got sex out of it to…now I get rehab and you walk around free. Come on, Elly. I’m not asking you to sneak me in drugs or anything. I need you to do this for me.”
“Shit! Tristan this is a bad, bad, very bad idea. Everything you’ve done for the past seven weeks will be blown if we do this, and I’ll be out of a job.”
“That’s fine,” I told her, “I may as well give up now then. I’m out of here.” I know she was right. I was playing dirty pool by blaming her. It wasn’t her fault that I’d run everyone else out of my life. But I was using what I had; I was desperate.
“Shit! Okay, fine!” she yelled after me as I started walking away. “I’ll do it. Hopefully they’ll understand.” I grinned at her and she looked like she wanted to punch me. I thought it best at that moment not to press my luck, so I went inside.
Chapter Six
Elly
The next day after our meetings were over, I met up with Molly for lunch. The afternoon would be busy; we were starting to make arrangements for the top ten tour that would happen after the show. We walked across the street to the sandwich shop and found a table.
After we’d both ordered our lunch Molly said, “So, did you ever talk to Tristan?”
“Yeah, we’ve talked,” I said.
“Was he as blown away as everyone else was that he didn’t get voted off?”
“We didn’t really talk about that, but I would imagine that he was,” I said.
“Oh…no talking huh? Just some wild, passionate….”
“Don’t finish that sentence,” I told her with a smile. “No, we didn’t do any of that. We haven’t done that for a while.”
“Probably a good thing. I heard Clint called him in the other day. Rumor has it that he was warned to be on his best behavior.”
“Hmm,” I said. “The rumor mill around this place is really something.”
Molly looked at me suspiciously and said, “You’re being almost as elusive as you’re always saying Tristan is.”
“I’m sorry,” I told her. “We’re just kind of friends…I guess. We’re not sleeping together and I’m really not privy to his private business or thoughts.” I didn’t want to tell her about rehab, that wasn’t my place.
“Well, like I said, it’s probably better that way.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” I agreed with her. It was mostly to get her to stop talking about it and change the subject.
“I wonder who he’ll do his duet with?” another subject that I didn’t want to talk about. I couldn’t tell anyone that I agreed to sing with him. I trusted Molly, but she liked to gossip too much. If the producers found out before we did the duet…they’d really kick us both off before we even got to sing.
“I don’ know,” I lied. I couldn’t stop thinking about it if the truth be told. I kept trying to tell myself that it was a stupid rule and that once the producers really thought about it, they would think so, too. They wouldn’t fire me and disqualify Tristan. It was a stupid rule, but there was a good reason behind it. They were afraid that someone working for the show could be persuaded to rig the results. There was no way I could do that though. I didn’t get anywhere near the results, and even if I did, there was no way I could change them. Maybe they’d think about that, before they fired me. The problem would probably be more the public than the producers would. There would probably be an outcry if he won and someone found out we were anything more than co-workers….
“Elly?” Molly was talking to me and I’d been so wrapped in my own thoughts that I hadn’t been listening.
“Yeah? I’m sorry…what did you say?”
“I said, I’m sure that Tristan knows lots of people in the music business, wouldn’t you think?”
“You would think…” I said. “How’s your boyfriend?” I desperately wanted to change the subject and it worked. Molly started gushing again about her boyfriend and how perfect he was and I was off the hook.
Chapter Seven
Tristan
I kept telling myself that one day I’d look back on the rehab and think it was worth it. The problem was that in the moment, it felt like being in prison and I hated the fuck out of it. It was a start though. The first two times I’d gone to rehab, I’d gone in kicking and screaming. Maybe going in voluntarily would be different.
The first week was all one-on-one therapy, I was told. At least in a group setting I could either sit and listen or I could mimic what everyone else was saying. I hated sitting across from a therapist, trying to think of something to say. I guess some might argue that if I just told the truth that would satisfy him. The problem was that the truth made me sick—literally—and telling him about it wasn’t going to change anything. My therapist was relentless, though. I guess you have to be that way when you’re working with addicts. I’m sure one that’s willing to open right up with the truth is rare. For the third day in a row, I sat in his office while he asked the same questions over and over.
“How’s your relationship with your mother?” He leaned forward, trying to convince me he cared.
“Fine.”
“What about your father?”
“Fine.”
“Do you have a girlfriend…or boyfriend?” That made me laugh a little…so politically correct.
“No,” I said, “Neither.”
“What’s your drug of choice?” he asked me for the ten thousandth time.
“You name it, I’ll take it. I’ll smoke it, snort it, drink it…I just won’t inject it; I do have my principles.”
He sighed. “Tristan, this is serious business. I don’t think you’re taking it very seriously.”
I motioned to the room around me. “I’m here. If I didn’t think it was serious, I’d be home puffing on a joint.”
“I don’t know what to do to get you to open up to me. None of what we’re doing here is going to help you if you aren’t willing to let us inside so we can help you.”
“I’m just not sure what you want from me,” I told him. “You want me to cry and tell you what a miserable life I’ve had?”
“If that’s what you feel like doing,” he said.
I laughed and said, “That’s not going to happen.”
“Okay, that’s okay,” he said. “I think maybe what we need is some family group time.”
That got my attention. “No!”
“It’s part of the program, Tristan…”
“I said no! I’m not a child. I have the right to refuse.”
“True, but if you do, you’ll be asked to leave. You have to go along with the program or it won’t be successful.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking,” I told him. Fuck! I should never have told him they were even still alive.
“Why’s that, Tristan? You told me that your relationship with them was—and I quote—‘fine’.”
Fucking great, a smart-ass therapist. “Okay, I lied.” I told him. “I’m not fine with them. They’re not fine. They’re junkies and I don’t want anything to do with them.”
“Then maybe it will help you all for them to be here.”
“I don’t want to help them!” I said, jumping up off the couch. “They’re the fucking reason I’m here. They made this!” I said, slamming my hand into my chest.
“Then maybe you need a safe place to tell them how you feel.” I wanted to rip his fucking head off.
“They know how I feel. I don’t hold anything back with them.”
“Good, then it will help to have them here. I think I’ll try and arrange it for this afternoon.”
“Fuck!” I stormed out of his office, slamming the door on my way out. He didn’t have any idea what he was doing. I couldn’t be trapped in a room with those freaks. I slammed my way back into my room and sat down on the bed. Suddenly I realized what I needed. I got up and went out to the nurse’s station.
The unit secretary said, “Can I help you?”
“Yeah, can I use the phone?” I felt breathless as I said it. The stress was really piling on.
“Have you used it yet today?”
“No,” I told her. We got one call a day. They’d taken my cell phone when I checked in. She had me sign the clipboard so they’d know if I tried to sneak another one in and then handed me the phone.
I dialed Elly’s number and willed her to answer. She did, and without thinking about it, I said, “Thank god.”
“Tristan? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing…everything. This fucking therapist is going to bring my fucking parents in here for a group. I can’t do it. I won’t do it. Come in to see me, Elly. They’ll let you in because you’re from the show. Please….”
“Tristan, it sounds like the therapist thinks this is important. My parents attended a few groups, too.”
“Fuck! Elly, it’s not the same thing. Is your mother a crack whore? Is your father a heroin addict?” She was really quiet so I took that as a no.
“I’m sorry, Tristan,” she said at last. “I can understand why you don’t want to see them. It’s important though that you do what the facility asks you. They’re professionals. They know what they’re doing….”
I balled my free hand into a fist. “I’m not doing this!”
“Listen to me, please. I’ll come…I’ll be the
re with you if you promise to go to group. I’ll go with you.”
I rolled my eyes. “That’s better. Then, I have two witnesses to my fucked up family dynamic.”
“Maybe afterwards we could find a way to be alone for a while….”
Damn it. She was offering herself to me if I agreed to do it. I was craving her. It had been too long; maybe it would alleviate some of my anxiety.
“Okay, but you make sure we find time to be alone. None of that maybe shit,” I told her.
“Okay, I will. I’ll be there soon,” she said.
I handed the phone back to the secretary and went back in to my therapist’s office.
“Did you call my parents?” I asked him.
“Yes, they’ll be here at one p.m. I’m hoping you’ll join us.”
“I’ll be here, but I’m bringing my own back-up,” I told him.
“I’m not sure that’s….”
“Do you want me here?”
“Yes.”
“Then you’ll accept me and my friend, who also happens to work for Fresh Voices, the show that is paying for me to be in this expensive place.”
“Okay, Tristan. One o’clock.”
*****
Elly had shown up not long after I talked to her and when we went down to the group room just before one, I saw my parents sitting just inside the door. They both had cleaned up some, trying to look like normal people. My mother was bone thin and her thrift store clothes hung off her body. My father’s stomach looked swollen; his liver must have been close to exploding. They both looked so damned old. Every time I wanted to walk out and use again, I needed to call up an image of those two and remember that it was the drugs that did that to them.
“You ready?” Elly asked me. She took my hand in hers and squeezed it. It didn’t make me want to go in; it made me want to take her back to my room and fuck her. I knew she wasn’t going for that unless I did the session first though, so I sucked down my hatred for those two people and went inside.
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