Tristan was the most stubborn man I’d ever met. He also came from an environment where drugs were the norm. He didn’t have any support other than me, and to be honest, he really didn’t even know me well enough yet to know if I was going to stick around. He was doing it, though. He’d gone into rehab and he was following their rules and, I wouldn’t tell him because it would probably just have pissed him off, but I was proud of him.
I also couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss. Every time I did, I got warm and tingly all over and my belly filled with butterflies. It was just so…sweet. I laughed out loud when I had that thought. If I told him that, a blood vessel would probably burst in his head. I wouldn’t tell him, but that’s what it was.
I opened the door to the bathroom and was surprised to see Susie standing in front of the mirror fixing her hair.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I should’ve knocked.”
“Oh stop, you’ve seen me in my underwear before. I got up late; I’m supposed to be at work in half an hour.”
“I’m not late, so you go ahead,” I told her. I sat down on the side of the tub and said, “Did you see the show last night?”
Susie’s face brightened and she turned around towards me and said, “I’m so glad you brought it up! I was afraid to say anything. Oh my god, Elly! You were fantastic! But how….?”
I couldn’t help but smile at her enthusiasm. “Thank you. As far as the how…we just did it. I might not have a job after I get there today.”
“Oh my god! You little rebel!”
I laughed, “I’m not a rebel, and you know that. I’ve been agonizing over it all night. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but Tristan said that he needed me….”
Susie sat down next to me and said, “I saw that kiss, too.”
“Yeah….”
“It was so romantic. Did you guys plan that?”
“Oh heck no! Romance and Tristan are….polar opposites, usually. It came out of nowhere and it’s another thing I’m turning over and over in my brain. I’m wondering what it meant.”
“What did it feel like it meant?” She asked.
“It felt like…passion. Real, honest passion from the heart.”
She raised her eyebrow. “It doesn’t usually feel like that?”
I smiled, “No, it usually feels like lust…it was definitely different.”
“Then you should talk to him about it.” She patted my hand and then went back to the mirror.
“I was going to, last night. But he had to get back….he had to go. I need to talk to him about it though, otherwise I’ll build it up way too much in my head and I’ll end up getting hurt that much more when he tells me it didn’t mean a fucking thing.”
Susie laughed and said, “He’s kind of….blunt, isn’t he?”
“That’s putting it nicely,” I told her. I looked at my cell phone then and said, “Aren’t you down to about fifteen minutes now?”
“Oh shit! Yeah,” She popped back over to the tub and hugged me. “Just remember that you deserve to be happy, okay?” Susie knew how hard I struggled after my boyfriend died, and how I had a tendency to blame myself for things and take on other people’s problems as my own.
“I’ll remember. Thank you, Susie.”
After Susie left, I got in the shower and got ready to go. I was a nervous wreck. It was one of those days where I seriously hoped my deodorant was working. I wasn’t so much worried what Molly would think. She’d been encouraging me all along to keep seeing Tristan, although I was sure she’d be surprised that I stood up there on stage and kissed him in front of god and everyone. I was worried about what the producers were going to say, and I was sure that no matter what I’d told myself, they weren’t going to just let it go.
I was going to walk in there with my head held high and take it like a grown-up if they fired me. I’d made a choice to do what I thought was right at the time; I had to live with the consequences.
I ran into Molly in the parking lot. She had a look on her face like she was about to burst.
“Oh my god, Elly! What was that last night?”
I shrugged and said, “He didn’t have anyone to sing with.”
She wrapped her arm around my shoulder. “Why didn’t I know you could sing like that? You were amazing. You should be in this contest instead of behind the scenes.”
“Thanks. I’m not much for singing in front of an audience.”
“You sure did a fine job last night…and of kissing in front of a live audience too! Wow! That was hot!”
“That wasn’t really part of the plan….”
Molly laughed as I pulled open the doors and we walked in, “I could tell,” she said.
“Elly!” It was Clint’s secretary. She looked like she’d been waiting for me.
Molly gave me a look of encouragement and said, “I’ll see you later.”
“Hi, Theresa,” I said to the other woman.
“Hi, Elly. Clint wants to see you in his office in fifteen minutes.”
“Okay, thanks,” I told her. I didn’t ask her what it was about. That would be like indulging in sadomasochism. I knew exactly what it was about, and I was pretty sure how it was going to end.
Those fifteen minutes may have very well been the longest in the history of the world. I went and put my things away and then I just paced around until, at last, it was time to get it over with. When I got to the office, Theresa told me to go on in; “they” were waiting for me. I wasn’t at all surprised to see Jake and Tony both there too when I opened the door.
“Hello, Elly.” Jake said my name in a tone that denoted a deep disappointment. I think he had high hopes for me.
“Hi…everyone,” I said.
“Have a seat please, Elly,” Clint said. “You know what this is about?”
I nodded and then tried to swallow the lump in my throat. My mouth was too dry. Finally, I said, “Yes, I think I do.”
Jake spoke then, “I’m just so surprised, Elly. Why? What would make you do that? You are so good at your job and you seemed so excited about it. You gave me no reason to think that if someone was going to “fraternize” with one of the contestants, it would be you.”
“He didn’t have anyone else. He needed me,” I said.
“He manipulated you,” Tony said. Tony didn’t like Tristan, it was no secret. It was really Tristan’s fault, too, so I couldn’t hold it against him. But that wasn’t true. Tristan didn’t manipulate me. I went in to it knowing full well what I was doing and what the consequences would be.
“No, Tony. He asked me and I agreed. There was no manipulation involved.”
Clint finally spoke then, and he looked pained when he did, “What about the kiss, Elly? You were on live television. You had to know that we couldn’t let that go. Had you sang with him only…maybe we could have figured something out, but that kiss made it obvious to America that the two of you have been seeing each other.”
I nodded and then, feeling I had nothing to lose, I said, “Do you guys really think the rule makes sense though where someone like me is concerned? I’m an intern. There is no way I could sway the results. The only thing I did that might help him is sing with him so that he didn’t have to be the only one without a partner.”
“Sing you did,” Jake said. “You have an amazing voice. Maybe you can look at a career in front of the camera or at least the microphone.”
“So does that mean I need to start looking for a new job?” I asked.
Clint sighed and said, “I hate this, Elly…I really do. But, if Tristan won and people found out you were dating him, there would be uproar. We’d get sued, we’d lose sponsors—we can’t let this go.”
I nodded again and stood up.
“Thank you all for the opportunity,” I said. Then I looked at Clint and said, “What about Tristan?”
“This meeting is over, Elly. I’ll deal with Tristan later. You can go.”
I felt numb, like I was in shock. I knew it was going to happen. I should have tol
d him no. I could have helped him find a singing partner….fucking hindsight!
Tony walked me to the door and I tried one last time. “Is Tristan going to be kicked off the show?”
Tony just raised an eyebrow at me and said, “Take care, Elly.”
MY ROCK #5
Chapter One
Tristan
Damn it! Someone was banging on the damned door! I pulled the covers up over my head and ignored them, hoping they would go away. I snuggled down deep under the comforter and, just when I closed my eyes again, the persistent SOB knocked once more.
Fuck! “What?”
“Tristan, it’s nurse Carter.” She stuck her head in the door and said, “The doctor wants to see you in about fifteen minutes, okay?”
I pushed back the covers and looked around. I forgot where the fuck I was for a minute. Shit!
“I see him in the afternoon!” I told her, pulling the covers back up.
“He wants to see you this morning, Tristan. Fifteen minutes.” She had that tone, the one that told you she might look like a sweet little lady, but if you messed with her, she could kick your ass, easily. I didn’t have to see her face either to know she was giving me ‘the look.’ I seemed to garner it from her frequently. She left and closed the door behind her. Fucking nurses and doctors! I was ready to get out of that damned place. I was tired of people telling me when to get up and when to go to bed and when to see the fucking doctor. I threw the covers back again and pulled myself up.
I looked out the window. The L.A. sun was shining through the smog and I ached to get out there into it. I could go out on the smoker’s patio, but it wasn’t quite the same. I did the basics: face, teeth, hair, and then slipped on a clean t-shirt and the funky slippers they gave you when you’re admitted. I had pajama pants on, a thing I wasn’t used to. At home, I usually slept naked, or in my boxers, but there you never knew when nurse Ratchet was going to poke her head in the door.
Wondering what the hell the doctor wanted with me so early, I headed down the hall to his office. Hopefully he wanted to talk about discharge. I felt ready. The last time I went to rehab, and the time before that, when I went right back into a shitty environment around a bunch of losers with more than questionable habits. I was using within a week both times. I’d start with alcohol, telling myself it was okay because that wasn’t my drug of choice, but it had always led up from there. I promised myself I wasn’t going to do that this time—I would be homeless, but at least I’d be alone. I’d stay away from the bars and the dredges of society and just work on writing songs.
I found my doctor sitting behind his desk, as usual. I wondered if his ass ever got sore from sitting on it so much. “Hey, Doc.”
“Good morning, Tristan, have a seat.”
I sat down and he said, “I’m looking at your progress here and I think you’re about ready to go. How do you feel about that?”
“I think I’m ready to go, too,” I told him. Thank God!
“My only issue with letting you leave is where you’ll be going?”
“Home,” I said. I never told him I was getting evicted. He didn’t really need to know, I thought.
“Is someone going to be there with you?”
“No, but I’m a big boy, Doc. I wipe my own ass and everything.”
He had no sense of humor. He gave me a stern look and said, “I honestly don’t think you’re ready to be alone, Tristan. Alone seems to be when you mess up…am I right?”
I shrugged. The truth was that alone was when I did everything. I was always alone. “I live alone, Doc. I’m not sure what you want me to do. You’ve met my parents.”
“Okay, we can have you stay a bit longer until I feel more confident that you’ll be okay on your own…”
“No…no, I’m ready to be out of here.” I had a thought and before I really thought it through, I blurted it out… “I can stay with my friend Elly. Remember, she’s been coming by to see me a lot and sat in on that fiasco with my parents. She offered already….”
He raised an eyebrow like maybe he didn’t believe me. I’m sure he looked at Elly…so clean cut and soft-spoken and thought surely she’d never see anything in a guy like me. Finally he cleared his throat and said, “Fine, but I’ll need her to be at all of your outpatient appointments then. She’ll be a part of your recovery. Is that going to work for her?”
“Yeah, of course. She’ll be fine with it.” I had no fucking idea if she’d agree to that or not, but I suddenly felt like I needed out of there, immediately. I was pretty sure I could talk her into it.
“Okay then, I’ll have the nurse get together your discharge papers. You’ll start your outpatient treatment next week. You’ll get a call to come in later in the week to sit down and make a schedule that will work for you and Elly.”
“Yeah, that’s fine,” I told him. I would have agreed to suck his dick at that point. Not that I’d do it, but I just wanted to agree to whatever I had to so that I could go home. I’d even agree to do Nurse Ratchet out there.
I left his office and started packing. I could taste my freedom at last. I was packed up and ready to go and I still hadn’t seen the nurse. It figured, when I didn’t want her there, she was in my face. When I needed her, she was on her ass at the nurse’s station. I took my duffle bag and went out to the nurse’s station.
The nurse saw me coming and said, “Oh, now he’s up.” She could be a sarcastic bitch sometimes.
I rolled my eyes and told her, “Doc said you’d have my paperwork.”
“I have it right here,” she said, proud of herself for pulling out a few forms. She put it up on the counter and showed me where to sign, date and initial. I was ten years older when I got done.
“Is that it?”
“That’s it, Tristan. You be good.”
I winked at her and said, “I’m always good.” I think she actually blushed.
I stepped outside the doors and took a deep breath of the fresh air. I’d been out, back and forth to the studio since I’d been there, but it wasn’t the same knowing I had to go back. The air tasted different. I was never going back. I was never putting that shit back in my body, if for no other reason than how fucking hard it was to get out.
I got on the bike and headed home, feeling better than I had since I couldn’t remember when. This was my do-over and I wasn’t going to screw this one up. This was the first time since I was about twelve years old that being sober was a priority. I finally got that staying wasted all the time was no way to live and experience life. It was numbing the pain of what I’d been through, but until I sobered up and let that shit go, it would just keep dragging me back down.
I parked my bike in front of my apartment and headed upstairs. When I got there, I dug the key out of my big ass duffle bag and tried to put it in the keyhole. I say tried, because the fucking thing didn’t fit. The locks were changed. Shit! I fished out the phone they gave me back when they discharged me and turned it. I laughed, sardonically when I realized that after almost two weeks I didn’t have a single missed call. I looked up Buck’s number and pressed send.
“Hello!” he said, all pleasant and shit.
“Hey Buck! It’s Tristan. I guess you kicked me out, huh?”
“I’m sorry Tristan; I didn’t have any other choice….”
“Where are my things?”
“I’m sorry, Tristan,” he said again.
“My stuff, Buck. Where’s my stuff?” I wanted him to focus. I wasn’t in the mood for his apologies all of a sudden.
“Downstairs in your storage area, your key to that will still work. If you need some time to get them out, that’s fine.”
Fuck, I couldn’t believe I was fucking homeless. It was the one thing I had left…shit! I knew it was coming, but the reality of it was like getting punched in the gut. There went my do-over.
“Alright, yeah it’ll be a while.”
“Tristan…good luck,” he said. Suddenly something came over me and for a few seconds I felt
empathy for someone else. Fucking sobriety, the poor guy sounded like he felt like shit for kicking me out and I actually cared.
“Yeah, thanks,” I said. I couldn’t believe I was thanking him for making me homeless. I was practically a choir boy sober. Hopefully Elly will believe that when I show up on her doorstep.
I took my duffel bag and left the rest of my shit in storage and headed over to see if Elly was going to take me in, or turn me away. I had a feeling that she was too nice to turn me out on the streets. If she wasn’t so nice, she’d have probably shut me down a long time ago.
Chapter Two
Elly
I was trying hard not to obsess over the fact that I’d gotten fired from an internship. It was a paid internship, so it was a lot like a real job, but I’d gotten myself fired. I couldn’t believe it. I’d been blatantly defiant of their rules and I deserved to get fired, but it was so unlike me. On top of that, I was worried about money. I kept telling myself that I had plenty of money left in the bank to get me through until I could find another job. I doubted that I’d be able to get another internship in LA…but a job is a job. There were plenty of things I could do. I learned how to do a lot when I was working on the show. I was an expert at putting people in line. I hadn’t cried, but thinking about it nearly put me over the edge. Shit! I needed to get out of the bedroom and do something. I wasn’t going to cry, or wallow in self-pity. I knew what I was doing and I knew what the consequences would be if I did it. I had to find a way to live with them.
I went out into the living room and found Susie sitting on the couch watching television. One look at my face and she clicked it off and patted the sofa next to her.
“Sit, spill. What’s going on?”
I sat and smiled at her. “I screwed up,” I told her.
“That’s hard to imagine,” she said with a grin. “You’re perfect.”
I laughed, “A perfect idiot. I lost my internship.”
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