by Mehrdad Kia
In small villages and towns, parents may have thought for years about a suitable partner and spouse for their child. At times, they had already selected the ideal bride years before their son and the intended bride reached puberty and were old enough to marry. Consequently, a boy’s mother, who had already reached a decision, might arrive at the home of the prospective bride unannounced and request a meeting with the girl and her mother. More often, however, the mother was accompanied by relatives, friends, and a go-between, who requested a meeting with the mother of the prospective bride. If the girl’s mother had any reason for opposing the proposed marriage, she gave an evasive reply, which conveyed her refusal to consider the match; otherwise she consented to a meeting and received her visitors with a show of respect and honor.
The two mothers exchanged the customary compliments before the girl entered the room dressed in her best. She kissed the hands of the visitors and with downcast eyes, served them coffee and sweetmeats. The visitors observed her physical appearance and, at times, asked frank questions. This may explain why the guests took their time finishing the coffee. As long as they were drinking their coffee, the guests could continue with the inspection. Once they had finished drinking, the girl withdrew and the inspection came to an end. It was always a bad sign if the visitors finished their coffee too quickly. When the girl left the room, the mothers began to negotiate, but they did not make a final decision. The mother of the girl asked the visitors about their opinion regarding her daughter, and they responded by making flattering comments about the beauty and manners of the girl, though they may have been completely untruthful.
Sometimes the meeting between the mothers took place at a public bathhouse. To arrange a meeting with the bride and her mother, the groom’s mother would have let it be known in advance that she would be at the bath with her relatives and friends on a certain day and time. One of the main advantages of meetings at a bathhouse was that the prospective bride was obliged to appear only partially dressed, and the visiting party could then inspect her physical beauty and qualities in a more open and immediate fashion. If the boy’s mother was not satisfied with the girl, or if she found serious faults and defects, she would continue with her search until the right match was found. If she returned from her inspection pleased and convinced of her choice, however, she would share the news of her visit with her husband and son.
As for the girl, it was the duty of her parents to ensure that her suitor was of equal birth with them and that the match was suitable in other ways as well. If the father of the prospective bride was deceased, her oldest and closest male relative, usually an uncle or an older brother, acted as her representative. To secure the consent of the bride’s father, and to reassure him of the seriousness of their commitment, the groom and his family sometimes dispatched a relative, friend, or even the matchmaker to the house of the intended bride with gifts and expressions of genuine interest. In submitting these gifts, the intermediary or the matchmaker tried to reassure the family of the girl about their future son-in-law, often exaggerating his personal characteristics and qualifications. She told them how gracious, handsome, hardworking, and faithful the young man was, and that they had nothing to fear for the future of their daughter.
The decision to accept the gifts and the marriage proposal rested exclusively with the parents of the girl. In some instances, the father of the girl rejected a suitor if he did not come from a suitable social and professional background, or if the older daughter of the family was still waiting for a husband. In most communities, tradition called for the girls to marry according to their age and did not allow younger females to marry before their older sisters.
MEHR
Once the bride’s father had expressed his satisfaction with the prospective groom, representatives from both families began to negotiate on the final details of the marriage, including the nature and the amount of the dowry, the date for the wedding, and whether the newlyweds would live at the groom’s house or the bride’s. The transfer of a dowry or mehr (Arabic: mahr) to the new bride sealed the marriage contract. Marriages could not be consummated without the payment of mehr, which was a precondition for the legality of the contract. According to Islamic law and the existing customs and traditions, the bridegroom had to promise the bride the payment of a certain sum of money in case he divorced her against her consent, or in case he died. The mehr was frequently paid in two portions. The first portion, generally stipulated to be two-thirds, was paid before the marriage contract was signed. The second portion was paid only if the husband divorced his wife, or if he died while they were still married. In some instances, a part of mehr was kept in trust for the bride to support her if the groom died or divorced her. Some parents simply took the first portion of the mehr as their own, treating it as a payment for the loss of their daughter’s labor. Regardless, once the first portion of the mehr had been paid, the couple was considered to be engaged.
Court registers from the 16th century indicate that at times local customs conflicted with the laws of Islam regarding marriage. On “the basis of several entries in the Ankara court registers for that period, it would seem that a certain type of betrothal, called namzedlik (literally, ‘candidacy’) was quite common.” In “this type of arrangement, the father would promise his daughter in marriage to someone while she was still very young and would accept money or goods in return.” This “sum would be used by the father; when his daughter came of age, he would hand her over to the man to whom she was betrothed.”
In Egypt, the mahr for a virgin-bride was much larger than the amount paid to a bride who was a widow or a divorced woman. The exact amount, and the terms of payment, varied from one case to another and formed a part of the premarital negotiations between families. The financial capabilities of the groom and his family, the physical beauty of the bride, and the blood relationship between the bridegroom and his intended bride were important factors in settling the amount.
The bride did not usually take part in the discussions surrounding the mehr and the details of the upcoming wedding. Instead, she was represented by her family. As for the bridegroom, in many instances, his uncle or other close and trusted male relatives negotiated with the family of the bride over the exact amount of mehr and the final details, such as the expectations for both spouses and what the bride would bring into her new house in the way of linens, pots, and other household amenities. These rituals and negotiations left no doubt that the consenting units were families rather than individuals. The marriage was not just between a man and a woman, and the happiness of two individuals was not viewed as the supreme concern. Out of the marriage, two families emerged as a unified team, which would support each other and look out for each other’s interests.
Once negotiations between the two families had reached a full agreement, the groom’s mother, acting on behalf of her son, asked for the hand of the girl from her mother. Heading a group of female relatives and friends, she went to the bride’s home with several yards of red silk and a basket of candies. The red silk, which would eventually be made into an undergarment for the bride, was spread on the floor so that the bride could stand on it. On this occasion, the bride had to demonstrate her respect and obedience to her future mother-in-law, into whose house she would move, by serving her coffee or tea as a sign of respect. The bride would then take a bite from a candy and express sincere gratitude to her future mother-in-law by kissing her hand. The portion of the candy she had not eaten was returned to the mother of the groom, so that she could give it to her son as a symbol of the bride’s commitment to share her life with him. The bride also sent a package of presents to her future husband and his family. The gifts were presented to the groom and his family by an elderly female, who was usually a relative or trusted confidant of the girl’s family. The presents she carried might include shawls, shirts embroidered with pearls, handkerchiefs, braces, and “candy-filled box of mother-of-pearl in tortoise-shell.” At times, the bride also sent a variety of special fo
ods and dishes.
Among the affluent, the groom responded to these gifts by sending his bride and her family several trays of presents. The first contained house slippers, a silver hand mirror, perfumes, and a wedding ring that was placed inside a small silver box. The second tray carried flowers, and the third held baskets of fruit. The fourth carried baskets of sweets, spices, coffee, colored wax candles, and bags of henna from the holy city of Mecca. The fifth tray held the material for the wedding dress and other clothing material, as well as a pair of clogs, a silver basin, and a number of combs, which could be used by the bride when she went on her weekly visit to the bathhouse. Each tray was tied in muslin and decorated with ribbons.
ENGAGEMENT AND WEDDING
All ethnic and religious communities in the Ottoman Empire attached considerable importance to the formalities of engagement and wedding ceremonies. Among wealthy Muslim families, weddings consisted of a week of activities, rituals, and festivities. Before the festivities began, however, the men from both families gathered and agreed to a marriage contract in the presence of an imam who had received the marriage permit from the local religious judge. The responsibility of the imam was to read the marriage contract and secure the signatures of the bride and the groom or their male representatives.
On the day of signing, the fathers of the bride and the groom or, in their absence, the male representatives of both parties, gathered at the home of the bride. In the presence of male witnesses, the imam read the conditions and clauses of the marriage contract loudly enough for the bride and her relatives and friends in the adjoining room to hear him clearly. When he had finished reading the contract, the imam asked the bride if she consented to the conditions outlined in the document. To this she simply answered, yes. Having received the consent of the bride, the imam signed the contract, congratulated both parties, and prayed for a long lasting union. He then proceeded to register the contract with the kadi. All marriages were recorded in the court register. Otherwise, “the man and woman concerned would be summoned to court for ‘cohabiting out of wedlock’ and their illegitimate relationship would be recorded in the same registry.” Meanwhile, the families on both sides attended a banquet celebrating the signing of the marriage contract. The festivities that followed, and included nearly a week of activities, could immediately follow the signing of the marriage contract or could be postponed to a date in the near or distant future. The following account of wedding festivities, which has been adopted from Fanny Davis’s The Ottoman Lady, A Social History from 1718 to 1918, describes only one possible sequence of Ottoman wedding ceremonies. This description should not, however, be construed as the only possible traditional wedding organized by families in the Ottoman Empire.
On the first day of festivities, following the signing of the marriage contract, the bride’s trousseau was carried in a procession from her home to the house of the groom. Among royalty, as well as among the rich and powerful, this procession served as an opportunity to display the wealth and power of the bride’s family. A large band of musicians played a variety of instruments, such as flutes, fifes, drums, and bagpipes. Servants and attendants carried gilded cases, like bird cages, containing all kinds of expensive gifts, carpets from every part of Anatolia and Iran, embroideries, ornaments of gold and silver, parrots, rare songbirds, jewels, fans, and sweetmeats. Each case was covered with a pink veil sufficiently transparent for the eager crowd to identify the contents.
After the gilded cases came an artificial tree (nahil) about sixty feet in height, the branches and leaves of which were thickly gilt and hung with presents, such as toys and ornaments suspended by colored ribbons. On one occasion at least, during the wedding procession of the daughter of Ahmed III (1703–1730), the nahil was so large that “it demolished the balconies of the houses on the narrow streets through which it passed.” These initial processions were followed by more musicians and foot soldiers. Finally came black slaves with long whips in their hands running in front of a large tent made of cloth of gold, beneath which female attendants carried the bride in a litter atop their shoulders. If the bride was a member of the royal family, the sultan graced the procession with his presence. To mark the occasion, he wore a special turban, which was decorated by a heron’s plume clasped with a crescent brooch of huge diamonds. As the sultan passed, his subjects “touched the ground with their heads before him so as to avoid being dazzled by the glory of the Shadow of God.”
The next pre-wedding ceremony required the bride and her female companions to meet at a public bathhouse. All the female friends and relatives from both families assembled at the bathhouse, where the older and married women sat on the marble sofas, while the young and unmarried girls removed their clothing and, without any ornaments or covering other than their own long hair, braided with pearl or ribbon, prepared to receive the bride. When the bride arrived with her mother and an older female relative, two of the girls led her to the gathering inside the bathhouse. Ornately dressed and shimmering with jewels, the bride was immediately undressed as two other girls “filled silver gilt pots with perfume.” Once finished, they began a procession with the rest of the girls following in pairs. The leading girls sang “an epithalamium answered by others in chorus,” while the last two ladies led the bride forward, “her eyes fixed on the ground with a charming affection of modesty.” In this fashion, the women marched through the large rooms of the bathhouse. After they had completed their procession, the bride was “soaped, pummeled, shampooed, scalded, and perfumed.” Her body hair was removed with depilatory paste, “her hair was braided in eight or ten tresses and entwined with strings of pearls and gold beads or coins,” and her eyebrows were blackened.
Once she had been bathed, cleaned, and prepared, the bride again was led to every matron, who saluted her with a compliment and a gift. Some offered pieces of jewelry, others embroidered handkerchiefs, which the bride “thanked them for by kissing their hands.” The bride was then dressed in fine clothes and seated on a gilt-edged throne built of gauze and ribbon. From this seat she viewed a variety of performances by a group of gypsies, whom she paid at the end with gold coins and candies. After food and refreshments had been served, the bride and her companions departed. They had to prepare themselves for the following day, when the female relatives of the groom would come to pay a visit.
The female members of the bride’s family received the female relatives of the groom at the door of the bride’s home and led them to the women’s quarter, where the hosts and guests were served coffee. After they had finished their coffee and exchanged compliments and niceties, the bride entered the room to greet the visitors and kiss the hand of her future mother-in-law. After she had left the room, the visitors were entertained by musicians, singers, and dancers. Neither the visitors nor the guests participated in the dancing and singing. When the guests stood up to leave, the bride appeared again to bid them farewell and was showered with coins by the visitors.
Later that evening, the women of both families assembled again to celebrate the “henna night,” when the bride said farewell to her girlhood by dyeing her hands with henna paste. Prior to the actual ceremony, the girl was escorted through the garden of the house with her unmarried friends, while musicians and professional dancers played and danced. The henna was applied to the bride’s hands by her new mother-in-law, who rubbed a small quantity of the paste first on the bride’s right hand and then her left as the guests pressed gold coins into the orange material. The hands of the bride were then wrapped in a small bag or a piece of fabric, allowing the dye to leave its orange stain.
The next day, the bride was prepared for the final procession, which would celebrate her departure from her parents’ home for the house of her new husband. Her hair was braided, her face “was whitened and rouged and gold dust, spangles, even diamonds were affixed to her forehead, cheeks, and chin.” She also wore her wedding dress, which consisted of a fine white shirt, baggy pants, a richly embroidered long red or purple dress that she wore
on top of her shirt and pants, and a pair of calfskin boots. Along with her wedding dress, she wore a pearl necklace, a pair of earrings, and bracelets and rings of precious stones that glowed on her hands and fingers. To cover her face and body, she donned a crimson-or red-colored veil, which skimmed over the top of her dress. On her head over the veil, her mother placed a bridal aigrette, tiara, or crown made of cut glass that could come in a variety of colors. Before leaving her house, the bride appeared in front of her father for the last time as a virgin. She kneeled in front of her father and kissed his hands and feet. He raised her and “clasped about her waist the bridal girdle, which might be a jeweled belt, a fine shawl, or, in late Ottoman times, simply a ribbon symbolic of the girdle.” During this short and highly emotional ceremony the girl cried and, at times, the father shed tears as he bid his daughter a final farewell. Meanwhile, an attendant announced that the groom and his party had arrived.
Earlier in the day, the groom had arrived at his own home, accompanied by relatives and friends, astride horses adorned with gold and silver mountings on their saddles and bridles. One European observer, who witnessed an Ottoman wedding procession, reported that entertainers, such as musicians and fire-eaters, accompanied by men carrying silver dinner services wrapped in silk cloth, followed the bridegroom and his retinue. He also observed numerous pieces of sugar-candy products, bowls, pitchers, candelabras, and even animals such as horses, elephants, lions, sea creatures, and a variety of birds, participating in the march toward the wedding ceremony. At the tail end of the procession, donkeys ferried household goods such as carpets and beds, intended for the newlyweds’ use. While the guests were being entertained, the bridegroom’s family dispatched a string of donkeys to the home of the bride to transport her clothes, personal belongings, and furniture to the new home where she would be living with her husband. The animals wore decorative harnesses and bells hung from their necks. Although “ten donkeys would have been sufficient to transport her dowry,” reported one observer, “twice that number would be sent to make the procession more impressive.”