When he opened the door, John looked surprised at first, and then his face hardened as he looked me up and down. “What in hell are you doing here?”
“Please, John, I want to talk with you,” I said as I stepped onto the threshold. “May I come in?”
He hesitated for a minute as he glared at me. His eyes no longer shone like jewels, but glinted like ice. He opened the door wider and jerked his head to motion me inside. He walked over to a sideboard and poured himself a scotch. He didn’t offer me a drink nor did he invite me to sit down. He sat down on the only armchair in the room and took a gulp of the scotch. “Well, talk, Hannah.”
“John, I know I hurt you. I’m so, so sorry. I want there to be peace between us.”
He laughed contemptuously as he put a cigarette in his mouth and lit it. “Peace? I was unaware that we were at war.” He narrowed his eyes in the cloud of smoke. “All I’m aware of is that you disappeared on me and married your agent, without even so much as a Dear John!” He began laughing at his attempt at a joke, but his laughter dissolved into tears.
I moved toward him, but he bolted from the chair, grabbed me by the shoulders and began shaking me. “You broke me! You broke me and left me bleeding! I was going insane looking for you. Oh, and can you imagine how it felt to have to hear from your parents where you were and what you’d done?” He shoved me against the wall, the force knocking the breath out of me.
“You hurt me too, John,” I said, gasping to recover my breath. “You brushed me off when I wanted to even talk about settling down. Don’t you know how I hurt to think you didn’t want to be with me anymore?”
He said nothing as he wiped his eyes, then picked up the bottle of scotch and his glass and started down the hall. “Where are you going?” I started after him.
He spun around and said through gritted teeth, “Don’t follow me. Don’t touch me. Just … don’t.” He went into the bedroom and slammed the door so hard it made me jump.
I stood there trying to decide what to do; whether I should just leave and count this attempt at closure a failure, or stay and see if he’d calm down. I saw the light come on from under the bedroom door and heard the TV come on. Laurie had agreed to keep Matty all night, so I had nothing to lose by staying. I returned to the living room and opened the front door to catch some fresh air, but the night was hot and humid. The hypnotic rhythm of crickets’ chirping soothed me a little. After a while, with my head and back still hurting from hitting the wall, I shut the door and lay down on the sofa to rest.
When I woke up, everything was pitch dark and silent. There wasn’t even any traffic or noise outside, so I knew it had to be late, well after midnight. I looked down the hall and saw the light still on in his bedroom. I tiptoed to the door and put my ear against it – silence. I open the door and looked in.
John was asleep on the bed, still wearing his trousers and tee shirt. His shirt and shoes were left on the floor where he’d taken them off. On the nightstand was the scotch bottle and I could tell from how much scotch was left in it that he had drunk at least two more. The odor of stale cigarette smoke and the full ash tray on the floor by his bed told me he’d smoked several more cigarettes as well.
I noticed the TV, though still on, had stopped broadcasting, so I shut it off. Quietly, so not to wake him, I stepped over to the bed and looked at John. It broke my heart to see him. He had lost at least fifteen pounds off his already slender frame. His chest looked caved in; his arms were matchsticks. His face, though still beautiful, had lost its youthful roundness and lines were beginning to come in around his mouth, giving it a hard look.
On impulse, I leaned over and brushed a loose curl from his forehead. As I turned and switched off the bedside lamp, I felt him grasp my hand. My heart jumped. “I … I ... just came in to check if you were all right, John. If you want me to leave now, I will.”
“No,” he said hoarsely. “Please stay. Just lie here beside me for a while.” I removed my shoes and lay down on the bed. Slowly, my fingers found his and intertwined with them.
As we lay there together in the dark, everything we both had held pent up for the last two and a half years came tumbling out; all the pain, all the anger and then, all the love that was still deep in our hearts. He asked me about the tour.
“Tony mismanaged everything. I didn’t realize until we got back to London how much of a financial loss it was for me. Then, when I got pregnant, he had the nerve to blame me, as if he’d not been involved.
“Pregnant? You have a child?”
There it was. It just slipped out before I could stop it. Never was I so grateful for the dark. I did not want to see the expression on John’s face on hearing I had a child with someone else, when it was something we had wanted to have together.
“It was purely unintentional and couldn’t have been more ill-timed but, yes, I have a son.”
After a few silent minutes, John said, “Tell me about him. Where is he, with his father?”
“No. Laurie has him overnight.” I went on about how it fell apart between Tony and me; his needling me for money from my parents. I told him that after my encouraging success in movie scoring and songwriting, I thought California the best place for a fresh start for Matty and me.
I cuddled close to John and put my head on his shoulder. He told me a little about how he’d been living; the drinking, the string of girlfriends. I could tell he was deeply troubled by it. I tried to get him to talk more, but he was reluctant.
“I don’t ever want to talk or even think about it again. All I want is to move on, as far and as fast as I can.”
Just then, I noticed light starting to seep in through the slats of the window blinds. As I was thinking I’d better go and pick up Matty from Laurie’s, John suddenly rolled over on top of me and kissed me; a long slow kiss that made me go hot all over. I pulled his tee shirt up to take it off. It was early yet and surely Laurie wouldn’t mind keeping Matty just one more hour? As suddenly as he rolled onto me, he rolled off and sat on the edge of the bed.
“Hannah, I just can’t rush into anything now. I need time alone to do some hard thinking and soul searching.” Seeing the apprehensive look on my face, he added, “Please. Leave your address and phone number and we’ll talk again soon, but for now …”
I wondered if he was just letting me down gently, but after doing as he asked, I left to pick up Matty. As I drove to Laurie’s, going over in my mind what just happened between John and me, I realized that while I bore the larger share of the responsibility for our break-up due to my rashness, the responsibility wasn’t all mine. His lack of self-confidence was something which I’d seen from time to time over the years. The jokester side of his personality covered this. It was the reason he withdrew from me. He finally admitted to me that he had hoped, had assumed that something would just happen to alleviate his fear that he couldn’t be a worthy husband, a good father. I hoped now that these fears were put to rest. However, it wasn’t going to be that simple. Things never were.
18
A week went by with no word, no call from John. Even as I began resigning myself to losing him, I was glad that I went to him. I felt that I had at least righted the wrong I’d done and hopefully, put the brakes on John’s rush to self-destruction.
During this time, Matty and I went to dinner with Laurie and her boyfriend, James. I finally got to meet him, though by now I felt as if I already knew him, with all I’d heard about him from Laurie. He was tall and thin, with black hair and fair complexion. Except for the dimples in his cheeks, he wasn’t handsome, but his face was gentle. I immediately sensed that he was genuine and I hoped his and Laurie’s relationship would succeed.
For the next couple of days I stayed close to home. Matty was getting his first molars in and wasn’t feeling well. Once he began improving, I accepted an invitation from my Dad to leave Matty with Mother and go with him to the studio and watch them film an episode. I hesitated, but Dad assured me it would be all right and told me not to wor
ry. SAG and AFTRA, the actors’ unions, were threatening a strike, so this was likely the only chance I’d get. If the strike was called, production would shut down for who knew how long.
Finally, John phoned the evening before while I was fixing dinner for Matty and myself. I invited him to come over have dinner with us. When he arrived, I fell into his arms. I was so happy to again see the John I knew and loved. Matty, curious about this stranger, pulled himself upright in his playpen to look at John. I was glad to see him and Matty take to each other. While I finished getting dinner on the table, Matty flung a stuffed toy out of the playpen. John picked it up and returned it. Matty then threw it out again and again, laughing at his little game. John, ever patient, kept returning it. It seemed to come naturally to him, interacting with Matty. I couldn’t help but think what a good father he would be; both to Matty and to our own children.
As we ate, we talked about the strike and how it would affect us. John had done only one movie that year. He had one or two promising prospects, but the strike put these in limbo. I was worried for myself, too. If no movies or television programs were going to production, I wasn’t going to be writing anything, either.
After putting Matty to bed, I brought out wine coolers for us. As he took his, John said, “I’m sorry it took so long to call you. You saw what a train wreck I was. I was literally dying inside. I couldn’t give myself to you like that. I needed to sober up, clean myself up, and get my head on straight. I want you in my life, Hannah. That is, if still want me in yours.”
“It is,” I said. “There is no place I want to be more than near you.” I caressed his hair and face. My hands were shaking because I was aching with desire. “Please, John,” I begged him. “Don’t go home tonight. Stay with me.”
***
When the phone rang at five-thirty the next morning, I was still so love drunk I was barely able to get up to answer it. John and I made love three times that night and had barely slept. When I heard my father’s voice on the other end, I realized I’d forgotten I was supposed to have Matty at my parents’ by seven, because Dad needed to be on the set at eight.
“Of course I’m up, Dad,” I lied, frantically gesturing to John to keep quiet. I knew my parents would be happy to see John and I patch things up, but I didn’t want them to learn about it quite like this.
“All right, Honey. I just had this feeling that I’d better give you a ring, just to be sure.”
John, bless his sweet heart, made breakfast for us while I showered, dressed and got Matty up and ready. He even fixed Matty’s cereal and juice. Part of me didn’t want to leave John. We still had a lot of lost time to make up for. However, I had lost time with my parents as well that I needed to make up for.
Luckily, I beat the traffic and made it to Brentwood in time. As Dad and I drove to the studio, I impulsively leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. I tried hard to remember how long it had been since we spent time alone together.
On the set, I had a chance before shooting began to talk to those of Dad’s cast mates I’d met before. After six seasons together, they were more like a family than mere cast mates. They made me promise to attend the big barbeque Mother and Dad were having to celebrate the beginning of the new season. As the day went on, the fact that I’d had next to no sleep the night before began to catch up with me and I had to resort to several cups of strong coffee to keep from nodding off. Still, I loved watching them film this episode, which had Dad’s character and his co-workers take a company sponsored trip to Las Vegas where they all got into various scrapes. While watching this, I wondered how it would be to write the score for a ribald farce like this episode, or perhaps even a romantic comedy.
It was a long day of shooting and after a late dinner with my parents, I finally arrived home with Matty, who had already fallen asleep in my arms. When I walked into the kitchen to take care of the breakfast dishes, I saw that John had washed and put away all the pots and dishes. He even made the bed.
The actor’s strike went on, as we all feared it would. With no film or television projects going into production for an indefinite time, I looked into playing again in an orchestra. Since I didn’t yet have a new agent, I made these inquiries myself. No one had any openings for a pianist, but the Los Angeles Symphony was interested in booking me as a guest artist for the 1981-1982 season, to perform at the Christmas concert. I was in a tight spot, both financially and professionally, but I was determined to weather it, one way or another. To keep busy and engaged, I picked up a piano sonata I’d worked on off and on for a couple of years and decided to complete it.
When Mother learned that Tony and I had never had Matty baptized, she was horrified. She scolded me for neglecting it and I knew she would never rest until his little soul was washed clean of the taint of Original Sin. I was happy to oblige. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to have Matty baptized, but with all the trouble Tony and I had after Matty’s birth, it slipped our minds. Mother arranged it with the pastor of St. Martin of Tours, her parish church, and I asked Danny and Laurie to be Matty’s godparents.
The ceremony was small, but beautiful. There were just my parents, Laurie and Danny, of course, and John and me. When my parents arrived, Mother was a little surprised to see John there. Dad, on the other hand I noticed, greeted John as if he’d last seen him two days before, rather than two years. I was hoping that Laurie’s James would also be there, but he was unable to attend because he had to coach a Little League game. When John, sitting next to me, correctly remembered all the prayers and responses, I looked over at him in surprise. I was so touched to see that he was still a good Catholic boy deep in his heart. I squeezed his hand and discreetly stole a little kiss.
We kept the party afterward small, too. We just had dinner and a cake decorated with a blue frosting cross and flowers. Matty received several gifts including a gold cross, which he still wears to this day. Mother was happy at last and I was too, as I truly wanted Matty to share our faith and have it be a source of strength and hope throughout his life.
On Matty’s first birthday, I was hurrying to set the table before guests began arriving for his birthday party. I looked up just in time to see him pull himself up by a chair and take five or six wobbling steps across the living room. I was so excited, I had to tell every guest as they arrived.
I invited my family, plus Laurie and James, and John. I told Danny to bring Patrick, his new partner, because I wanted to meet him. Danny was unsure about it, but I insisted. I knew he couldn’t be open about their true relationship, but I wanted Danny to be able at least to have Patrick with him.
Just as the party was in full swing, Tony phoned and wanted to wish Matty a happy birthday. I was pleasantly surprised that Tony made the effort to at least phone our son, so I put the phone up to Matty’s ear and let him “talk” to his father. Afterward, I assured Tony that I did receive the gift he had sent; a replica of a Vickers team uniform, white shorts and green and white striped shirt. I took a number of photos of Matty wearing it and later sent some to Tony so he could see how cute Matty looked.
When John told me he wanted me in his life, I already knew I wanted him by my side. We both knew how lucky and blessed we were to be getting this second chance. We also knew we didn’t want to be separated any longer, so over Labor Day weekend, John moved in with Matty and me. From that day onwards, I never again saw John, except when he was in character, drunk or with a cigarette between his lips. On Monday, my parents hosted that barbeque, inviting Dad’s cast mates and all their other friends. John and I attended of course, and as we mingled with the other guests, I decided to think of this day as the “official” start of our new life together.
***
However much as I would have liked to just go back to where we were, to pick up where we left off, I knew that was impossible. There was no erasing the last two and a half years. Too much had happened to change both of us. Our relationship was shattered and in pieces, like a porcelain bowl that had fallen to the floor. Jo
hn and I picked up these pieces and put them back together as best we could, but like that bowl, it would never be exactly the same again. In our case, there was one “piece” that wasn’t there before – Matty. I wondered and worried a little about that. What if John came to resent Matty and the attention I gave him? The worry was for nothing though, because John was gentle and patient with Matty and often fed and played with him. Once, about a month after Matty’s birthday, I picked up a flu bug. John took Matty to the beach so I could get some rest. While there, he bought a bunch of balloons and then, with a felt tip marker, drew silly faces on them. For days afterward, until all the helium leaked out of them, Matty was thoroughly entertained by these floating mugs. My heart was deeply touched to see John never lost the childlike open-heartedness that made me fall in love with him.
Our intimate life was changed as well. What was once for us an innocent expression of love had become something else entirely; a deep well of erotic passion which never seemed to run dry. John and I drank deeply from this well, but our thirst never seemed to be quenched. This new direction which our relationship had taken excited us, and we plunged in with both feet.
The SAG/AFTRA strike finally ended in October and film and TV shooting resumed. Before the strike, Dad and John had both gotten parts in a miniseries. It would be the only time the two of them were in anything together. Luckily for Dad, the producers of Daily Grind agreed to write Dad’s character out of a few episodes to allow him to film the miniseries. Since Dad’s miniseries character interacted with the protagonist at the beginning of the story and John’s near the end, they never shared a scene and their characters never interacted. Because movie scenes are rarely shot in chronological order however, they were occasionally on the set together.
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