When Tony returned with Matty, I could tell from Matty’s downcast expression that Tony had told him the bad news. From the hall closet, where I was hanging up Matty’s jacket, I heard Tony tell Matty, “Come give me a hug now – a big one, ‘cause it has to last a long time.”
During the next two months, I began work on my dissertation. My focus was on the Mahori, Thai classical musical ensembles composed entirely of women. I wanted first to do a survey of the literature, but I soon found that there was little written on the subject; at least in Western languages. I would have to travel to Asia myself to do original research. I began the long process of planning and arranging the trip.
When Halloween came, I put my work aside to go trick-or-treat with Matty and the other mothers and children who lived in our building. Matty wanted to be Dracula. When I went to buy his little cape and plastic fangs, on impulse I bought a hideous looking rubber mask for myself and went as the “Count’s” hunchbacked servant. My face got hot and sticky in that mask and my back was sore for several days from walking bent over all evening. It was a good thing I was still young then. If I were to do that now, I’d probably be bent over permanently. It was worth it though, to have that quality time with Matty.
One Friday afternoon some weeks later, I had just gotten home from the library and was gazing out the window at the first snowfall of the season. Matty was due home from school soon. He had been excited all week because we planned to spend the weekend putting up the Christmas tree and decorations. I was startled by the doorbell and even more startled that it was Tony. His face looked even worse than it had before and I knew what had happened before he said a word.
“My mum’s gone,” he said as soon as I shut the door. “Ten days ago. I stayed on to help Dad put things in order I was going to stay with him through the Christmas period, but Dad said he preferred to be on his own.”
I could tell he was crushed and my heart went out to him. I hugged him and kissed his cheek. “I’m so sorry, Tony. I don’t know what to say. She was such a lovely person.” I glanced out the window and saw Matty’s school bus drop him off and Matty run into the building. “Matty’s home,” I said to Tony. “I’ll leave you alone in here so you can talk to him.”
I went into the kitchen to start preparing dinner and left Tony and Matty in the living room. As I discreetly observed them, I noticed something different about Tony. His body language was completely different from before. Gone were the attention grabbing gestures and aggressive posture. He exhibited an attitude I’d almost call humble, something I’d never seen in all the time I’d known him. I attributed it to his grief but, over the next few months, these changes settled over Tony. He finally began showing real interest in Matty, even helping him with a science project for school.
I couldn’t make any progress on my dissertation until I was able to go to Thailand to do the research, so in the meantime, I and some members of the Consortium hived off and formed a new group, Cosmos. We would still associate with the Consortium and probably collaborate with them, but Cosmos would focus on world beat music. In February, we recorded our first album. I composed or co-composed nearly all of the pieces. I put so much into this project that I barely noticed when winter turned into spring.
When school ended for Matty for the summer, Tony wanted to take Matty to Seattle with him. I’m moving there, Hannah,” he said. I’m partnering with Colin Pruitt on a new record label he’s starting there. It’s a great opportunity to get in on this new music movement – ‘grunge,’ they call it. Unappealing name I know, but it’s really taken hold. I want to have Matty live with me there. Since Mum died I’ve realized that Matty’s the most important thing to me now and I couldn’t bear to lose him. I want to be the father now that I should have been all along.”
I took a few minutes to absorb this. Even though Tony and I were in a better place, now that he was being a real father to Matty, I was uncertain. “Tony, I don’t know if I can just hand over our son. I don’t think I can let him go live clear across the country and never see him.”
Just then, Matty came out from his room, where he’d obviously been listening, and said, “Please, Mom, can I go with Dad at least for a little while? I’ve never been to Seattle.”
Ultimately, I agreed to the arrangement on a trial basis. I made both Tony and Matty agree that Matty would spend part of his Christmas holiday with me and at the end of a year, we would re-evaluate the arrangement.
At the end of July, when I put Matty on the plane to join his father in Seattle, I cried a little. I’d never lived apart from him since he was born. I knew though, that it was right to give Matty every chance to have a relationship with Tony and to benefit from whatever Tony could give him.
35
By October, I’d arranged my research trip to Thailand. I was going to be there for two and a half months, traveling to various regions recording Mahori ensembles and catalog as much as I could of their repertoire.
Through Danny, as usual, I wrote John, hoping perhaps we could see one another either before or after my stay in Thailand. To my disappointment, John was appearing in a play in Tucson when I would be on my way to Thailand. At least I would have an extra day to spend in Seattle with Matty.
I had mixed feelings when I saw that Matty was well and happy with Tony. I guess a part of me hoped the arrangement would fail and I’d have Matty back with me in New York. On the other hand, I was happy, especially to see how close he and his father had grown. I boarded the plane to Bangkok still smiling at Matty’s imitation of the musical performances of a couple of Tony’s “grunge” bands.
The twenty hour trip seemed to last forever. As the plane crossed the Pacific, it remained daylight long after my watch read midnight. I fell asleep at last and awoke only when we landed in Bangkok. I was met by Wanchai, from Chulalongkorn University’s Thai Classical Music Club. He was going to be my guide and interpreter. After a day’s rest at my hotel, we would begin with the first of five scheduled meetings and recording sessions.
On my first full day there, I woke up early – about five o’clock or so and it was already light. It seemed strange until I remembered that Bangkok is not too far from the equator and therefore the length of the days varies much less throughout the year than at home. I stood by the window for a while and observed the hive of activity below. I watched as boxes of produce were delivered to the hotel kitchen on the backs of motorbikes. I watched the street sweepers making the rounds with their brooms and merchants setting up their stalls. I was ten thousand miles from New York, but the scene below could easily have been in Lower Manhattan.
In between recording sessions, interviews and hours back in my hotel room going through notes and recordings, I took Wanchai’s advice and visited the factories of some of the cottage industries that Queen Sirikit sponsors. Her sponsorship has a two-fold purpose. The first is to provide jobs for the young people of the impoverished rural areas and the second is to keep alive the native arts and crafts. At one such place, I saw some beautiful silks and I bought Laurie a bolt and had it sent to her. On a Tour of the Grand Palace, the former home of Thailand’s kings, I bought Dad, Danny and Matty figures of the palace guards, deities who once protected the royal family. I thought they would be amused by their fierce looking faces.
Wanchai and I next went to Chiang Mai, in the northern part of Thailand. Several students accompanied us. Only two of them spoke much English and I enjoyed getting to know them. They tried to teach me some Thai, but I didn’t get too far. I did learn some basic phrases though, and eventually was able to order a meal for myself. One of the students told me he drove a taxi to put himself through school. “This is my last year,” he said. “I’m glad. My taxi breaks down too much. If I not graduate this year … I don’t know what I do because pretty soon … no more taxi.”
As busy as I was, I still thought of John often. I wrote him weekly and sent the letters to Danny to pass on. I went to an outdoor market with Wanchai and the students one afternoon afte
r a recording session and I spotted a beautiful jade figurine of a baby elephant. On impulse, I bought it for John. I wondered if he remembered the time we took Matty to the Los Angeles Zoo and the baby elephant there trotted right up to John and, probably sensing his gentleness, stroked his arm with her tiny trunk and even reached into his pocket looking for a treat. That was one of many memories of him I relived while in Thailand.
We went next to Isan, the northeastern region of the country. Isan has a unique culture and dialect distinguishable from the mainstream Thai. I took the opportunity to sample and record some of the regions folk music as well as the sticky rice, a staple of the local cuisine. We then went to the island of Phuket, off the southern coast, where I made time, once my work there was done, to enjoy a day at one of the most beautiful beaches I’ve ever seen. At last we returned to Bangkok. There, the group we interviewed and recorded included a dance troupe. Their performance was so enchanting I just had to videotape it. It took Wanchai some time to find a video recorder on such short notice, but I was so grateful he did. I didn’t want to miss having a record of it.
Two days before I returned home Wanchai, the students and I took a riverboat day trip. We had a leisurely trip and lunch, after which we toured the king’s summer palace used by King Rama V, the king portrayed in The King and I. Next, we went to the ruins of the medieval capitol, Ayutthaya, which was destroyed in a war with Burma in 1767. There was a temple near the ruins and I went in for a moment of quiet repose and thought.
On my way home, I stopped in Seattle again to see Matty. Since it was now mid-December, I gave him the souvenirs I bought for him as Christmas gifts. By now I had made peace with Matty living with Tony and being happy with him.
I then went to Los Angeles for a few days with Dad and Danny and to give them their gifts. I asked Danny to pass along the jade elephant to John. I’d been hoping to have time with John, but filming for his TV series went over schedule and I would have to return to New York before he would be free because I was scheduled to begin work with Cosmos on our second album. I was concerned about Danny. He did not look well. He had lost considerable weight and was weak and coughing a lot. “Now Hanni,” he said when he saw how worried I was, “I’ve just had a bad case of flu, but I think I’m finally getting better. I even went in to the gallery yesterday.” In spite of his optimism, I wasn’t fully convinced and made both Patrick and Dad promise to phone me with updates on Danny’s condition.
Back home, I occupied myself working on my dissertation and on the new album. I received updates on Danny from Patrick and Dad. They weren’t good. He was getting sicker. Near the end of March, we learned the worst. Danny had AIDS. He was going to the best specialist in Los Angeles, but none of the treatments he tried seemed to have any effect and his prognosis was poor.
36
A week before Memorial Day, I got a call from Dad. His voice shook as he told me, “Danny’s real bad. He’s back in the hospital and the doctor says he doesn’t have much time left.”
I’d been trying to prepare myself for this moment because I knew it was coming, but nothing could have adequately prepared me for it or softened the blow. I assured my father I would be on the next flight I could get to Los Angeles.
I arrived on the afternoon of the 24th and went straight to the hospital, carrying my suitcases. Dad and Patrick were there by Danny’s room. I cried when I looked in and saw Danny. He was so emaciated, he looked like an 80-year-old man. He was hooked to an oxygen machine because he had PCP pneumonia and it had advanced so rapidly, he could no longer breathe on his own.
I wanted to hug Danny and hold his hand to lend him some of my strength, but I had to put on a surgical scrub suit over my clothes, rubber gloves and a mask to even enter his room. I was allowed only five minutes.
“Hanni,” he said. He gave me one of his big smiles and for a second, I saw him as he looked before his illness. “I was thinking of you today. I was remembering when we sneaked into Mrs. Ragsdale’s back yard and took her prize-winning French poodle. Do you remember that?”
“Oh yes. Her husband was an actor. I think he and Dad actually were in one or two movies together. With all her boasting and pretenses, one would have thought he was Lawrence Olivier.”
“We cut off poor … what was that dog’s name again?”
“Francois.”
“Right. We cut off Francois’ pom-poms, then took all our leftover Easter egg dye and dyed his coat with big splotches of pink, blue, yellow, and lavender.”
We started laughing, but Danny gasped for breath. I jumped up to help him but he waved me back. When he recovered his breath, he continued, “Remember how she went ranting and raving all over the neighborhood that she was going to sue whoever did such a hideous thing to her Francois.”
“He’ll never take Best in Show now, looking like a harlequin!” we both said together, remembering Mrs. Ragsdale’s wailing.
“We didn’t do a very good job of hiding the evidence,” I said. “When Mother confronted us with the bag of empty dye boxes and stained paper towels she’d found, I thought for sure we were going to be punished. I couldn’t believe it when after extracting a confession and a promise that it would never happen again, all she did was dismiss us. I later overheard Mother and Dad laughing about it. Mother said to Dad, ‘I don’t know what the old busy-body has to be so huffy about. I think the kids gave Francois a little pizzazz.’”
“I think since she and Dad didn’t like Mrs. Ragsdale either, they didn’t have the heart to punish us.” We laughed again, but my brave front gave way and I dissolved into tears. “Hanni, Hanni, please don’t. I don’t want you to remember me as I am now. Remember back when we’d sing Elton John songs at parties and you’d play the piano. Remember when we went to the beach. Remember me as I was then.” Just then, the nurse came in and stood near the door, reminding me that my five minutes were up.
I went back to the hospital the next day with Dad and Patrick. When we reached Danny’s floor, the doctor quickly ushered us into a nearby office. He addressed Dad. “Mr. Newman, I’m so sorry. Daniel … died forty-five minutes ago.”
***
I remember little of the next several days. Dad and I managed to complete Danny’s funeral arrangements. Some of Danny’s friends wanted to sing one of his favorite songs at the funeral and wanted me to accompany them. I had them come to the house and we chose Let it Be, Danny’s favorite Beatles song. I decided to play and sing Daniel by Elton John. I thought about the lyric ‘Daniel my brother, you are older than me…’ Even though Danny was actually three years younger than me, he was an old soul and so in that respect, was older than me. After a brief rehearsal, I spent the time remaining until the funeral gathering the strength to get through it.
It comforted me somewhat seeing so many people turn up to pay their respects to Danny and say goodbye to him. It took all the emotional discipline I had to play those two songs. When I played the last note, it seemed to echo on and on. I rose and took no more than a couple of steps before my legs gave way and I collapsed back onto the bench. I tried to get up, but my emotional strength left me and the grief I’d been repressing broke free.
Out of nowhere, John appeared beside me. I didn’t even know he was there at the funeral. I hadn’t seen or expected him. He sat down and held me for a minute, then lifted me up and carried me back to my seat. He knelt to pick up the sheet music I dropped. I took his hands and squeezed them.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “Thank you for being here.” He didn’t say anything. He just kissed my hands and, as quickly as he appeared, he was gone.
Later, I saw him standing alone, away from the crowd. I had regained my composure by now. I needed to stay strong for Dad. “Are you coming to the cemetery?” I asked John.
“No, I’d better not.” I knew what he meant. Quickly, I wrote Dad’s phone number on a scrap of paper and pressed it into John’s hand.
“Call me tomorrow. I want to see you.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dad, L
aurie and James approach. “Thank you for helping me,” I said as they reached us.
“John, it was nice of you to come today. We appreciate it,” Dad said.
“I wanted to pay my respects. He was my friend and I’m very sorry for your loss.” As I left with Dad, Laurie and James, I looked back at John. He gave me a reassuring nod.
Although neither Dad nor I really wanted to go through Danny’s things, I was only able to stay a week more in Los Angeles, so we made ourselves do it anyway while I was there to help. We moved everything that we didn’t give Patrick to Dad’s.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Dad said, dropping the book he was holding back into the box. “I’m going to have Nora bring our lunch out onto the patio.” Nora was Dad’s housekeeper. He hired her to help out during Mother’s illness and kept her on afterwards.
When Nora had left the chicken sandwiches, salad and chilled white wine on the table and went back into the house, Dad said, “I was a little surprised to see John at the funeral.”
“Why? He and Danny were friends. They both worked at Paramount.”
“Somehow, I don’t think that was the only reason. I saw how the two of you were with each other, looked at each other the way only people in love do. I know he phoned here the other day. You’re going to see him, aren’t you?”
When I didn’t immediately answer, Dad went on. “I’m not going to waste breath telling you to stop loving him. You’re too much in each other’s blood for that. I saw that the first time you brought him out here to visit the summer after you graduated from Performing Arts. It would have been best if you two married, given your feelings for one another. But, he’s committed now to someone else, with a child. If you persist in your determination to see him, you will be risking public humiliation for all of us and possible career damage. John will get the worst of it. His career is just now taking off. Do you want to ruin that for him?”
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