Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics)

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Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics) Page 105

by Ambrose Bierce


  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Mountain and the Mouse

  A Mountain was in labour, and the people of seven cities had assembled to watch its movements and hear its groans. While they waited in breathless expectancy out came a Mouse.

  “Oh, what a baby!” they cried in derision.

  “I may be a baby,” said the Mouse, gravely, as he passed outward through the forest of shins, “but I know tolerably well how to diagnose a volcano.”

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Bellamy and the Members

  The Members of a body of Socialists rose in insurrection against their Bellamy.

  “Why,” said they, “should we be all the time tucking you out with food when you do nothing to tuck us out?”

  So, resolving to take no further action, they went away, and looking backward had the satisfaction to see the Bellamy compelled to sell his own book.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  Old Saws with New Teeth

  Certain Ancient Fables Applied to the Life of Our Times

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Wolf and the Crane

  A Rich Man wanted to tell a certain lie, but the lie was of such monstrous size that it stuck in his throat; so he employed an Editor to write it out and publish it in his paper as an editorial. But when the Editor presented his bill, the Rich Man said:

  “Be content — is it nothing that I refrained from advising you about investments?”

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Lion and the Mouse

  A Judge was awakened by the noise of a lawyer prosecuting a Thief. Rising in wrath he was about to sentence the Thief to life imprisonment when the latter said:

  “I beg that you will set me free, and I will some day requite your kindness.”

  Pleased and flattered to be bribed, although by nothing but an empty promise, the Judge let him go. Soon afterward he found that it was more than an empty promise, for, having become a Thief, he was himself set free by the other, who had become a Judge.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Hares and the Frogs

  The Members of a Legislature, being told that they were the meanest thieves in the world, resolved to commit suicide. So they bought shrouds, and laying them in a convenient place prepared to cut their throats. While they were grinding their razors some Tramps passing that way stole the shrouds.

  “Let us live, my friends,” said one of the Legislators to the others; “the world is better than we thought. It contains meaner thieves than we.”

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Belly and the Members

  Some Workingmen employed in a shoe factory went on a strike, saying: “Why should we continue to work to feed and clothe our employer when we have none too much to eat and wear ourselves?”

  The Manufacturer, seeing that he could get no labour for a long time and finding the times pretty hard anyhow, burned down his shoe factory for the insurance, and when the strikers wanted to resume work there was no work to resume. So they boycotted a tanner.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Piping Fisherman

  An Editor who was always vaunting the purity, enterprise, and fearlessness of his paper was pained to observe that he got no subscribers. One day it occurred to him to stop saying that his paper was pure and enterprising and fearless, and make it so. “If these are not good qualities,” he reasoned, “it is folly to claim them.”

  Under the new policy he got so many subscribers that his rivals endeavoured to discover the secret of his prosperity, but he kept it, and when he died it died with him.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Ants and the Grasshopper

  Some Members of a Legislature were making schedules of their wealth at the end of the session, when an Honest Miner came along and asked them to divide with him. The members of the Legislature inquired:

  “Why did you not acquire property of your own?”

  “Because,” replied the Honest Miner, “I was so busy digging out gold that I had no leisure to lay up something worth while.”

  Then the Members of the Legislature derided him, saying:

  “If you waste your time in profitless amusement, you cannot, of course, expect to share the rewards of industry.”

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Dog and His Reflection

  A State Official carrying off the Dome of the Capitol met the Ghost of his predecessor, who had come out of his political grave to warn him that God saw him. As the place of meeting was lonely and the time midnight, the State Official set down the Dome of the Capitol, and commanded the supposed traveller to throw up his hands. The Ghost replied that he had not eaten them, and while he was explaining the situation another State Official silently added the dome to his own collection.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Lion, the Bear, and the Fox

  Two Thieves having stolen a Piano and being unable to divide it fairly without a remainder went to law about it and continued the contest as long as either one could steal a dollar to bribe the judge. When they could give no more an Honest Man came along and by a single small payment obtained a judgment and took the Piano home, where his daughter used it to develop her biceps muscles, becoming a famous pugiliste.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Ass and the Lion’s Skin

  A Member of the State Militia stood at a street corner, scowling stormily, and the people passing that way went a long way around him, thinking of the horrors of war. But presently, in order to terrify them still more, he strode toward them, when, his sword entangling his legs, he fell upon the field of glory, and the people passed over him singing their sweetest songs.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Ass and the Grasshoppers

  A Statesman heard some Labourers singing at their work, and wishing to be happy too, asked them what made them so.

  “Honesty,” replied the Labourers.

  So the Statesman resolved that he too would be honest, and the result was that he died of want.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Wolf and the Lion

  An Indian who had been driven out of a fertile valley by a White Settler, said:

  “Now that you have robbed me of my land, there is nothing for me to do but issue invitations to a war-dance.”

  “I don’t so much mind your dancing,” said the White Settler, putting a fresh cartridge into his rifle, “but if you attempt to make me dance you will become a good Indian lamented by all who didn’t know you. How did you get this land, anyhow?”

  The Indian’s claim was compromised for a plug hat and a tin horn.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Hare and the Tortoise

  Of two Writers one was brilliant but indolent; the other though dull, industrious. They set out for the goal of fame with equal opportunities. Before they died the brilliant one was detected in seventy languages as the author of but two or three books of fiction and poetry, while the other was honoured in the Bureau of Statistics of his native land as the compiler of sixteen volumes of tabulated information relating to the domestic hog.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Milkmaid and Her Bucket

  A Senator fell to musing as follows: “With the money which I shall get for my vote in favour of the bill to subsidise cat-ranches, I can buy a kit of burglar’s tools and open a bank. The profit of that enterprise will enable me to obtain a long, low, black schooner, raise a death’s~head flag and engage in commerce on the high seas. From my gains in that business I can pay for the Presidency, which at $50,000 a year will give me in four years—” but it took him so long to make the calculation that the bill to subsidise cat-ranche
s passed without his vote, and he was compelled to return to his constituents an honest man, tormented with a clean conscience.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  King Log and King Stork

  The People being dissatisfied with a Democratic Legislature, which stole no more than they had, elected a Republican one, which not only stole all they had but exacted a promissory note for the balance due, secured by a mortgage upon their hope of death.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Wolf Who Would Be a Lion

  A Foolish Fellow who had been told that he was a great man believed it, and got himself appointed a Commissioner to the Interasylum Exposition of Preserved Idiots. At the first meeting of the Board he was mistaken for one of the exhibits, and the janitor was ordered to remove him to his appropriate glass case.

  “Alas!” he exclaimed as he was carried out, “why was I not content to remain where the cut of my forehead is so common as to be known as the Pacific Slope?”

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Monkey and the Nuts

  A Certain City desiring to purchase a site for a public Deformatory procured an appropriation from the Government of the country. Deeming this insufficient for purchase of the site and payment of reasonable commissions to themselves, the men in charge of the matter asked for a larger sum, which was readily given. Believing that the fountain could not be dipped dry, they applied for still more and more yet. Wearied at last by their importunities, the Government said it would be damned if it gave anything. So it gave nothing and was damned all the harder.

  Table of Contents for the Fantastic Fables

  The Boys and the Frogs

  Some editors of newspapers were engaged in diffusing general intelligence and elevating the moral sentiment of the public. They had been doing this for some time, when an Eminent Statesman stuck his head out of the pool of politics, and, speaking for the members of his profession, said:

  “My friends, I beg you will desist. I know you make a great deal of money by this kind of thing, but consider the damage you inflict upon the business of others!”

  FANTASTIC FABLES

  CONTENTS

  The Moral Principle and the Material Interest

  The Crimson Candle

  The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine

  The Ingenious Patriot

  Two Kings

  An Officer and a Thug

  The Conscientious Official

  How Leisure Came

  The Moral Sentiment

  The Politicians

  The Thoughtful Warden

  The Treasury and the Arms

  The Christian Serpent

  The Broom of the Temple

  The Critics

  The Foolish Woman

  Father and Son

  The Discontented Malefactor

  A Call to Quit

  The Man and the Lightning

  The Lassoed Bear

  The Ineffective Rooter

  A Protagonist of Silver

  The Holy Deacon

  A Hasty Settlement

  The Wooden Guns

  The Reform School Board

  The Poet’s Doom

  The Noser and the Note

  The Cat and the King

  The Literary Astronomer

  The Lion and the Rattlesnake

  The Man with No Enemies

  The Alderman and the Raccoon

  The Flying–Machine

  The Angel’s Tear

  The City of Political Distinction

  The Party Over There

  The Poetess of Reform

  The Unchanged Diplomatist

  An Invitation

  The Ashes of Madame Blavatsky

  The Opossum of the Future

  The Life–Savers

  The Australian Grasshopper

  The Pavior

  The Tried Assassin

  The Bumbo of Jiam

  The Two Poets

  The Thistles upon the Grave

  The Shadow of the Leader

  The Sagacious Rat

  The Member and the Soap

  Alarm and Pride

  A Causeway

  Two in Trouble

  The Witch’s Steed

  The All Dog

  The Farmer’s Friend

  Physicians Two

  The Overlooked Factor

  A Racial Parallel

  The Honest Cadi

  The Kangaroo and the Zebra

  A Matter of Method

  The Man of Principle

  The Returned Californian

  The Compassionate Physician

  Two of the Damned

  The Austere Governor

  Religions of Error

  The Penitent Elector

  The Tail of the Sphinx

  A Prophet of Evil

  The Crew of the Life-boat

  A Treaty of Peace

  The Nightside of Character

  The Faithful Cashier

  The Circular Clew

  The Devoted Widow

  The Hardy Patriots

  The Humble Peasant

  The Various Delegation

  The No Case

  A Harmless Visitor

  The Judge and the Rash Act

  The Prerogative of Might

  An Inflated Ambition

  Rejected Services

  The Power of the Scalawag

  At Large — One Temper

  The Seeker and the Sought

  His Fly–Speck Majesty

  The Pugilist’s Diet

  The Old Man and the Pupil

  The Deceased and his Heirs

  The Politicians and the Plunder

  The Man and the Wart

  The Divided Delegation

  A Forfeited Right

  Revenge

  An Optimist

  A Valuable Suggestion

  Two Footpads

  Equipped for Service

  The Basking Cyclone

  At the Pole

  The Optimist and the Cynic

  The Poet and the Editor

  The Taken Hand

  An Unspeakable Imbecile

  A Needful War

  The Mine Owner and the Jackass

  The Dog and the Physician

  The Legislator and the Citizen

  The Rainmaker

  The Citizen and the Snakes

  Fortune and the Fabulist

  A Smiling Idol

  Philosophers Three

  The Boneless King

  Uncalculating Zeal

  A Transposition

  The Honest Citizen

  A Creaking Tail

  Wasted Sweets

  Six and One

  The Sportsman and the Squirrel

  The Fogy and the Sheik

  At Heaven’s Gate

  The Catted Anarchist

  The Honourable Member

  The Expatriated Boss

  An Inadequate Fee

  The Judge and the Plaintiff

  The Return of the Representative

  A Statesman

  Two Dogs

  Three Recruits

  The Mirror

  Saint and Sinner

  An Antidote

  A Weary Echo

  The Ingenious Blackmailer

  A Talisman

  The Ancient Order

  A Fatal Disorder

  The Massacre

  A Ship and a Man

  Congress and the People

  The Justice and His Accuser

  The Highwayman and the Traveller

  The Policeman and the Citizen

  The Writer and the Tramps

  Two Politicians

  The Fugitive Office

  The Tyrant Frog

  The Eligible Son-in-Law

  The Statesman and the Horse

  An AErophobe

  The Thrift of Strength

  The Good Government

  The Man and the Bird

  Fro
m the Minutes

  Three of a Kind

  The Fabulist and the Animals

  A Revivalist Revived

  The Debaters

  Two of the Pious

  The Desperate Object

  The Appropriate Memorial

  A Needless Labour

  A Flourishing Industry

  The Self–Made Monkey

  The Patriot and the Banker

  The Mourning Brothers

  The Disinterested Arbiter

  The Thief and the Honest Man

  The Dutiful Son

  Aesopus Emendatus

  The Cat and the Youth

  The Farmer and His Sons

  Jupiter and the Baby Show

  The Man and the Dog

  The Cat and the Birds

  Mercury and the Woodchopper

  The Fox and the Grapes

  The Penitent Thief

  The Archer and the Eagle

  Truth and the Traveller

  The Wolf and the Lamb

  The Lion and the Boar

  The Grasshopper and the Ant

  The Fisher and the Fished

  The Farmer and the Fox

  Dame Fortune and the Traveller

  The Victor and the Victim

  The Wolf and the Shepherds

  The Goose and the Swan

  The Lion, the Cock, and the Ass

  The Snake and the Swallow

  The Wolves and the Dogs

  The Hen and the Vipers

  A Seasonable Joke

  The Lion and the Thorn

  The Fawn and the Buck

 

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