Yet this tempestilent creature can be as gentle as a suckin whirl pool and coo like laughture in a toomb.”
I asked where was the hip found. Mister Gipple thought a while, and bime by he said: “A contented mind is better than great riches, but if you cant smuther your curosity you may look for it just out side the scruburbs of most any Afcan village, for it is mighty sociable and loves the fellership and communion of yuman beings better than pie. But when you go for to find the hip you better empty your pockets of your marbles, and your peg top, and your kite string, and your jack knife, and your base ball, and your 12 inches of rusty chain, or you will know them no more for ever.”
I said would the hip take them away from me, and he said: “No, it wont, it will take you away from them.”
But if I met a hip I would roll my sleefs up, and spit on my hands, and thunder: “You cowerdly feller, if you come a step nearer I will go home and tell my father!”
And thats why I say courage is the stuff of life, and none but the brave deserts the fair!
Mister Gipple says one time A Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, was a mitionary in Africa, like he was his self, and he converted all the peoples in a town, and they jest doted on him. But one night a natif nigger snook in to Mister Pitchels hut and said, the natif nigger did, “You better leave here mighty quick, for they are a goin to boil you.”
Mister Gipple, which was astonish, he said: “I guess there is a mistake, cause Ime so popular.”
The natif nigger he said: “Thats jest the reason, for they say you are a saint and it would bring a blessin to the town for to have a few of your rellics, jest your shin bones, and a half dozzen of the nuckles of the spine of your back, and maybe the skull of your head.”
I asked Mister Gipple if them rellics of Mister Pitchel, would have done any good, and he said: “Well, Johnny, not bein a church feller, Ime not shure about it, and Ime particklar scepticle about the head, seein it has never done him any good his own self, but them shin bones surely did work a mirracle when he was a pullin out of that town.”
Mister Gipple says there was a other mitionary preacher, and he had only but just one leg, like Mister Jonnice. One day the king of the cannibals asked him to dinner. So he slicked his self up and went The king said: “Ime glad to see you, now take your close off.”
The i legger he said: “Yessir, I see Ime not in the fashion, but I thought you would be indulgent to a benighted forreign feller which is your guest at dinner.”
The king he spoke up and said: “You dont seem for to under stand. You are the dinner.”
The one legger he seen how it was, but he smiled real polite and said: “O, I beg pardon, how many of you are to eat me?”
The king said there was 2, countin the dog which was to be give the bones. Then the mitionary said what was the choice parts of a feller like him, and the king said: “You chaps is like frogs. Unless fammin stalks abroad in the land we dont care for anything you have only but just the hind legs.”
The mitionary said: “Ime mighty glad for to hear you say so, cause Ide like to keep my head a while. I need it in my business. Here is one of my hind legs, which will last you till midnights holy hour, and to morrow I will bring you the other.”
So he reached under the table and took off his cork laig and laid it fore the king, which was so rattled that fore he knew what to do the mitionary had hopped away.
Mister Jonnice says when he gets rich he is a goin to buy a leg of sandal wood with the sandal on it, but I say blessed is the poor, for they shall go through the eye of a needle, hooray!
JACKUSSES
A FELLER was a ridin one, and every little while it would stop and bray. The feller he said: “For goodness sake, dont be 2 nusances to once. If you are a goin to sing you must trot along same time, but if you prefer to stop you got to hold your tongue. Ime a long way from home, and my wife is lyin at the point of death, and night is comin on, and I havent had my supper, but tween you and me I dont care which plan you adopt.”
One day when my father was in Nevady he met a Cornish miner comin up the grade to Virgina City, carryin a jackus on his shoulders, and my father he said: “Poor little animal! What broke its leg?”
The miner he said: “Ta blessit moke have luggit I all ta way from Reno, and I be givin he a bit of a rest fore ridin in to town, thats what brakit uns lag.”
Old Gaffer Peters has got a son which was a sailer, like Jack Brily, and the boy stopped in Spain and got married. One time he wrote to old Gaffer and sent the letter to my father for to be give him, but my father opened it his self, cause he thought it was hisn. The letter had a photy grap in it of old Graffers little grand son. But my sisters young man he snook out the picter and put in a other one, which was a baby with the head of a jackus. My father he dident know, and he give the letter to old Gaffer, which looked at the picter, and then read the letter, and then thought a while real sollemn, and bime by he said: “When a young feller makes a fool of his self and marrys a wild Spainard his boys dont look like his home folks one bit.”
But father he said: “Why, Gaffer, I never see such a spekin likeness as that pictur is of you.”
Old Gaffer he put his spettacles on again and looked at it a other time, real long, and then he shook his head and said: “Ole age is onorable, but it makes a feller look like a dam rabbit!”
Jackusses looks like mules, and Franky, thats the baby, looks like he would bust, and Missy she looks at her young man, and says to her self: “How nice!”
But if she had saw him when he wank his eye at Mary, thats the house maid, she wouldnt think so, for winkin is pligamy and thats trigonomatry.
I ast Uncle Ned did he know what makes the Jackus bray, and he said: “Yes, I do. In the Garden of Eden Adam had a field of barly, and he told the animals that if they didnt keep out of it he would cast them all in to a lake of ever las tin fire. Now the jackuses tail was created up right, like it was the mast of a ship, so one day the jack he come to Adam and said: ‘Ide like you to make my tail hang down like the other fellerses tails, cause they say Ime proud.’
“Adam knew that the jackus was really proud and he wondered, Adam did, why he wanted his tail down, but he done it and the jack thanked him and went away. Bime bi Adam he seen the jackuses trackx all thrugh the barly field, and it had et barly. Then he knew the jack had ask him to let down his tail so it wouldnt show above the barly and be tray him. So Adam he said: ‘You are a mighty smart feller for a thief. He keep my sacred word about that tail, but you will wish you hadent spoke.’
“So the tail hangs down, to this day, but evry little while the jackus yields to a inate ambition and primevle desire for to set it up like it was made, but when ever he tries to arise it it hurts him so awfle that he utters his soul in mournful song.
“Johnny, you just let the morral of this story sink deep into your heart and you will grow up a good man and some day be Presdent.”
If I was Presdent I would take my big sword and cleave the wicked Demcrats in twain, for the Bible it says them which is sinners shall have ever lastin life!
I said did Uncle Ned know what for Mexican dogs havent got any hair, and he said: “Yes, I learnt it from a old man script which I found in a Hindoo temple in Kansas. One day soon after the creation Adam he was a walkin in the Garden and he seen a dog with long curly hair which hung clear down to the ground. Adam he said: ‘My! what a beautiful back of hair you have got.’
“Now, the dog was a fool and prouded his self on his hair, so he answered: ‘You ought to seen it fore I had that fever. It hasent been the same since.’
“Adam he knew there hadnt been no fever, cause there wasnt any sin, for it is sin which makes a feller sick.”
I — ast Uncle Ned was it sin which made Franky sick the time he had a pain in his lap and howled like he was cats. Uncle Ned said: “Yes, it was, cause the sins of the father shall be fisted on to the childern, and you are mighty lucky it was Franky in stead of you which sufferd for my wicked brothers Repubcan a
filiations. It will be you next time if you dont stop encurrigin him to support a Presdent which eats with niggers. But I was tellin you about that dog.
“When Adam heard him lie he made a jump at him for to kick him over the garden wall, but the dog he lit out for Mexico so fast that the friction of the atmisphere set him afire and burnt his hair every little bit off. He lived for to found a large famly in the land of his adoption, but they are all bald just like he was.
“Now, my boy, you go and tell your angel sister about this, cause there never was a woman which dident say her hair used to be longer fore she had a fever. They are mighty funny, women be, and have got to be crushed out with a ironicle hand!”
Yesterday Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he was to our house, and he said to Uncle Ned: “Brother Edward, have you read in the paper a bout the cruelty of the warden at the Sing Sing penitentionary?” Uncle Ned he said he did, and it was just like him, for he is a Repubcan.
Then my father spoke up and said: “Politics hasnt got any thing to do with it. Its cause the prisners is Demcrats.”
Mister Pitchel he said: “Surely, Robert, you don’t justfy mistreatin convicks be cause of their politicle faiths!”
My father said: “Yes, I do. When a fellers politicle faith makes him burgle, and garote, and bigam, and larcen, and shoot, and go to the theater with a other mans wife I say shut him up in a dark, unwholesome cell and give him fits three times a day with a black snake whip. If I was that warden and any news paper man come around pokin his nose in to none of his business Ide take him by the scruf of his pants and the seat of his neck and chuck him into the bay. I respeck the preachin trade much as any body, Mister Pitchel, but I bedam if I wouldent!”
Then Uncle Ned he said: “Robert, your eminent services in reformin the geography of this state entitle you to a respectable hearin, even when you dont swear, and I should like to have your views on penology more at length.”
My father he said: “What is penology?” and Uncle Ned said it was the sience of punishment. Then my father he said: “My views on penology is to lickum.”
Mister Pitchel he said: “Then you blieve in the eficacy of phisical torture?”
My father he said: “I blieve it hurts, and that is all I want to know about it. But come to think, I guess it does a heap of good too. When Billy and Johnny gets it, and they dont have to ask me twice for it, it isnt necessary for me to waste any time after ward a pointin out the wickedness of dizzy bedience and expoundin the beauty of a godly life. They seem to get on to all that their own selfs, and to remain in a proper state of mind for quite a little wile. What is good enough for my boys is good enoughf for stealers, and cheaters, and assassinaters, and fellers which buy ice cream for other fellers wifes, like I said be fore. My further views on penology is that when a gum dasted galoot is sent to prison I dont care a ding what is the nature of his xperence there, nor whether at the end of his term he comes 4th alive or not. If he didnt like the way the house is conducted he neednt have gone into it. The warden isnt a standin outside the front door invitin any body in for to share the ospices of the place. The sons of guns invites their selfs!”
When my father had got done he looked all round for some thing to kick, but Bildad, thats the new dog, he knew what was up and snook under the sofa, and Mose, which is the cat, he fled afar.
But the Bible it says dont let your angry passions rise up and call you blest. And thats why I say man is of few days and full of woman.
SOLJERS
SOLJERS isent animals, but they can lick the hi potamus and the tagger, and the rhi nosey rose, and evry thing which is in the world. When I grow up Ime a going for to be a soljer, and then He draw my long sticker and cut off all the fellers which I dont likes heads and say: “Hooray! that will teach you that Columby is the gem of the ocean.”
Then the Presdent will say: “What a brave soljer, make him a major General and give him all the candy which he can eat!”
One time there was some cannon soljers a shootin off cannons at a target, and one of them was out in front, bout a hundred feet to one side of the target, for to see if it was hit, but it wasent, cause the cannon balls they kept a comin real close to his self and makin him duck and dance lively, you never seen such a frighten soljer!
Just as he was a goin to run away, cause he couldnt stand it, bang went a cannon ball right through the bulls eye of the target.
Then he took his pipe out of his pocket, and fild it, and while he was a feelin for a match he said to his self: “Ime all right now, cause they have got mad and are a shootin at me.”
One day while our front door was a standin open, my father, which had just come in, he met Mary, thats the house maid, in the hall, and he said: “Mary, I know what you like, there is some soljers comin down the street with a brass band, and—” but fore he could say a other word Mary just vannished like she was shot out of a gun and was-a flyin down the street for to see the soljers, and my mother she stepped out of the parlor with Franky in her arms. My father he looked at her, and then he looked at Franky, and then he took off his spettacles and wiped them, real careful, and put them on again, and took a other look, and said: “Why, bless my soul, I would have swore it was Mary! You go in the kitchen and tell her to take off her apron, and put on her jacket and her hat, and slick her self up a bit, and go and see the soljers.”
I ast Mister Gipple wasnt he proud when he was a soljer, and he said, Mister Gipple did: “I wasnt proud only but one time. One day a ungenerus fo took a mean advantige of me and come at me with his sticker when my hands was full. I turnd my back on him, real scornful, for about a mile, then he fleed and I entered my camp in triump!, I said what was Mister Gippleses hands full of, and he said: “Johnny, if you had ast me at the time, I couldnt have told you, but when my captain pinted it out to me I remembered. They was full of revolvers.”
But if me and Billy was there Billy would met that cowerd fo, eye to eye, and laughfed him to scorn! When he is a man he is a goin for to be a captin of milishes, and ride a majesticle black steed, and cut Demcrats heads off and fling them to the Presdents feets, a shoutin the battle cry of fredom! But give me a home on the ocean wave, with a nice Sunday school book and plenty pirates for my pray!
Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, swears and chews tobaco and every thing, he says once when he was a pirate there was a other ship which looked like it was about to flounder. Jacks captin he said: “That ship is dangerously over manned. Jack, you take all our men and board her and make all hern walk the plank.”
So Jack and all the other pirates xcept the captin they give 3 cheers and got in their boat, with their cutlashes drawed, and boarded the ship, insted of which about a thousand jolly, jolly mariners arosed up from the deck and pointed blunder busters at them, and the captain of the ship come forwerd and said: “In reply to this funny way of hailin a strange craft I have to say that this is the Nancy Ann, 7 days out from Boston, and over loaded with apple pies. We was just a goin for to jettison some of the cargo, but I guess you fellers will do just as well.”
So Jack and his mates was made to sit down and eat apple pies till they was most busted and dead sick. That made the ship so light that she walked the waters like a thing alive, and the pirate captin was left lamentin.
I ast Jack why that didnt make a honest man of him, and he said: “It did, Johnny, it did. I resolvd for to repent and lead a bitter life, and I havnt been a apple pirate from that memorable day. Mince and helpin in my dads butcher shop is good enoughf for me.”
Uncle Ned he says he guesses that is true, for Jack is mighty well qualified for to swear off and on.
Mister Gipple said did I know about the battle of Gettyburg. I said no, I didn’t, and he said: “Well, Johnny, lie tell you, for it was the dandiest battle which ever was. I was there my self or it maybe would have been diferent.
“You see, Johnny, our soljers was on a hill, and Mister Lees was on a other, but ourn was the best hill and they wanted it. But Mister Mead, which
was our captin, he was a brave man, and he sent for me to come over behind our hill, where he was readin a novel, and he said, Mister Mead did: ‘General Gipple, if them misguided fellers which are in arms again our country and the Repubcan party come over our way and want to get on this side the fence you shut the gate in their gum dasted faces and tell them to clear out.’
“So I went back, and pretty soon I seen Mister Picket a comin, follerd by ten thousand hunderd rebbel soljers, and I shut the gate. When they had come real close up Mister Picket poked his ugly head over the fence and said: ‘Hello, Yank, we want to get in for to bile some coffy. The feller which we are on his farm he wont let us light fires.’
“Then I spoke up in thunder tones and said, real sarcostic: ‘You havnt got the price of admition.’
“Mister Picket he said: ( Dont you dare to taunt us with our povity! Its true we aint rich, cause you have stole all that we had, but we are mighty many, for the angels is on our side.’
“Then I spoke up real sneery, and said: ‘If you have any regments of angels I guess they are sort of hangin back. I dont seem to see any of their wings a floppin in the breeze.’ “Just then Mister Hancock rode up behind me and said: ‘Generl Gipple, stand firm, we got some angels of our own. Mister Mead ordered me to report to you with my whole dam celestial out fit.’
“I said: ‘Thank you, Mister Hancock, they will be right handy for to carry to Heaven the souls of the Confedit slane just as fast as I can supply them.’
“And then, Johnny, I roled my sleefs up and that memorble slotter was began! I dont need to give you the bleedy details. Suffice it that when I was done that host lay withered and strew and Mister Picket was a hikin back to his base as fast as his 2 laigs could carry him, and our soljers was a singing the dogs ology real tuneful, like they was canarys.”
Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics) Page 129