“Much more might be said, but I see old Gaffer Peters a comin over to have a smoke with me, and I guess I better go out behind the barn and plant some coco nuts.”
I guess if there was a fight tween the jasky foozle and the rhi nupple dinky and some others of them fellers which Uncle Ned and Jack Brily and Mister Gipple tells about it would be mighty hard for to say which was which, and a picture of one would do for them all.
One day Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he seen a picture which shocked him, cause it repsented a drunk man, but my father he said: “Well, dont men get drunk, what you growlin about?”
Mister Pitchel he said did my father aproove every thing in art which is true to nature and my father he said: “Mister Pitchel, you have knew me all my life for a onest man which pays his debts and votes the straight Repubcan ticket, like he is told, and loves his neibor as his dog, and wears a stopipe hat quite frequent. Yet you ask me sech a question as that! As I under stand it, the feller which is always objectin to naturlness in art is always a sweepin the horizen with a spy glass and a bendin his self doubble over a microscape for to find some thing to objeck to. He wants to snuffle or to blush, cause if he dont he will be sick.”
Uncle Ned, which is a batchelor, he said he guessed folks like that was mostly women.
Then my father he said: “I havnt got a word to say about any but the he ones, for Johnny has pointed out in his writins that woman is the noblest animal which roams the plain and roars like distant thunder. But, Edard, the he ones is decendents of them old Puritans which come to this country when it was little, because in their own they wasnt let sing hyms through their noses. They landed on Plymuth Rock when it was jest as easy to step a shore on the grass, and they expect us to cellebrate it. They liked rocks, particklar to fire at other folkes. They used to lick the Injens, too, cause the Injens looked sort of naturel, and came to prayer meeting in their breech clouts, jest as they was created.
“Edard, them Puritan 4 fathers of ourn were a gam doodled bad outfit. When ever one of them had loaded up his old bell mouth blunder bust with led enoughf for to sink a shot goose, and had got it rightly pointed at a Injen which mebby wanted his land back, he shet his eyes up a minute, the Pu did, and, said: ‘O Lord of Love, I am about to discharge a sacred duty, and if any fo to religion gets his self in the way let my light so shine that it will shine right through his benighted innards, and thine shall be the glory, but lie take his blanket and his beads my self. Yours truly, Worm-o-the-Dust Muggins.’”
Then my father he kicked Mose, which is the cat; and Bildad, thats the new dog, jumpt through the window. And thats all I know about cows.
BUZARDS
I AST my sister: “Dont you think buzards is awfle nasty fellers for to eat sech things as they do?”
My sister she said: “What can you xpect of birds that live on a carry on diet?” Thats like old Gaffer Peters, which has got the bald head. My mother she said to him: “Gaffer, the sun is mighty hot to day.” Old Gaffer he said: “Yes, mam, there aint nothing like a warm day for to heat up the sun.”
There is folks in Pershia which worships the sun, and one day one of them fellers was down on his kanees a worshipin as hard as he culd, and a good mitionary preacher come a long and said: “What a poor ignant heathener, for to worship some thing that you can see!”
But the feller which was to his devotions he said: “I aint sech a fool as you think, for Ime as blind as a bat.”
There was a hum bird a sippin neckter out of a hunny suckle and there was a buzerd, and the buz he said to the hum: “I would rather starv than eat sech stuff as that.”
The hum said: “I am drove to it. When ever I try for to eat a dead horse one of you fellers says: ‘Let that a lone, sonny, for it is pizen. It hasnt been long enoughf dead.’” The buz he said: “Well, if you want to pizen your self you may as well do it with hunny suckles as by spilin our dinner fore it is ready.”
But fore I would eat any thing which is dead Ide live on salt pork.
THE CAMEL
ARRABS drink cammels milk, and have 4 stumachs, which makes them go a long time with out water. One day I was a readin a wondful story about a cammel and a Arrab, and my father he spoke up and said I mustnt blieve only but half of what I read. Jest then the story ended by sayin that the half wasent told, and my father he said: “Thats the half to blieve.”
A Arrab chief was a leadin his cammel by the halter and a thinkin real hard, but the cam hadnt any thing in particklar for to ocupy its mind, so after a wile it snook up and lifted the chiefs turban in its teeths and et it. Bime bi the chief he begun for to feel the sun a bakin his head like it was a potato in the uven, cause they shave their hair evry little bit off, and he stopt and looked around at the cam. The cam started like it was shot, and puld the holter out of the Arrabs hand, and stared at him and walked away and stared again, much as to say: “I never have seen you before in all my life, dont you come near me.”
But after a long time it let it self be cought, and when the Arrab had turned his back for to resume the voyge the cam drawed the 2 ends of its mouth up to its ears and wank its eye repeated.
Mister Gipple he says a other Arrab, which was a travisin the dessert, lay down for to sleep, and in the middle of the night he woke, and set up, and rubbed his eyes, and looked again, and final said: “Allah be praised for grantin His servant this vizion of the Holy Mountain!”
Then he lay down in the sand with his face toward the Holy Mountain, which he could see real plain on the horizen against the stars. He knocked his fored against the ground and prayd all night, but in the mornin he see it was only just his cammel a kneelin between him and the ski. So he took a stick, the Arrab did, and beat the cam, and said it wasnt fit for to carry a True Bliever.
But the Bible it says that cammels can go through the knee of a idol.
I ast Uncle Ned what makes the cam have a hunch on his back, and he said, Uncle Ned did: “One day, in the Garden of Edin the animals was a showin off what they culd do, and the kangaroon he said he could jump high upper than any other thing which was made in the immage of its Maker. The cammel curled his lip up, real scornfle and said: ‘Why, you gum dasted creepin thing, I dont blieve you can leave the ground by 10 inches. Jest try for to jump over me and you will find out what a many rooted vegtable you are.’
“So the cam, which was made long like a dox hoond and had a straight back, it stood still, and the kang he took a few hops and then soared aloft to go over the cam. But the cam he wank his eye to the other fellers, much as to say, ‘See me fix him!’ and then he huncht his back up real sudden, and tript the kang, which turned a flip flop and lit on his head an pretty near broke the spine of his back.
“When Adam was told about it he said to the cammel: ‘Let me see how you done it.’
“The cam he huncht his self up again, the same way, and Ad he lifted up his hands and made some passes in the air and said: ‘Presto, abricadabbry, wheel You jest stay that way while the stars hold their courses in the fermament and the seasons on earth is bad for the crops.’ li So the cammel is hunchy to this day, and his countnence is deep graven with lines of care and sorry.”
But if Adam had saw Billy lick Sammy Doppy for his doin that to me when we played leap frog he would have said, Adam would: “What simpleness! Why didnt I think to do that to the cam?”
FLIES
FLIES is 3 kinds, butter, and fire, and jest flies. The butter he is first a tadpole, and then he is a crisanthmum, and bime bi he is a real butter, but not a goat. Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says that the butter fly a bustin out of the crisanthmum state in to a new life prooves that we have imortle souls, but my father he says what is prooved by the butty dyin pretty soon after?
Once me and Uncle Ned and Missy, thats my sister, we was in the garden and there was a butter fly, and Missy she said why was they like girls, meanin that they are fond of flowers, or is pretty, or some sech rot.
Uncle Ned he spoke up and said: “Cause its g
ood fun to chase them, but it spiles them to catch them.”
He says 2 men which had been in a election riot was goin to their homes in the country one night, and one said to the other: “Let me lean on you, and what ever happens dont you desert a old friend.”
When they had gone a mile or 2 that way the other feler he said: “Dont you feel any better now?”
The staggery man he said: “No, not much, Ime a fraid I will drop. It must been a awfle blow, not any pain for to speak of, but Ime a seein stars till this minute!”
Then the other feller he seen how it was, cause it was only jest the fire flies, which was evry where, and he said to his self: “A wise man cant make no body wise, but a fool can make a fool of a other man.”
When it is a hot day my father he lies down for to sleep. He snores a while, and then he wakes up and says: “Cuss them flies! Johnny, bring me the Tribune” and puts it over his face like it was a tent and his nose was the center pole. One day I give him the Times, which Mister Brily, thats the fat butcher, had sent around a calfs toung, and when my father he waked and seen what paper it was he said: “Johnny, dident you know what paper this thing is?”
I said I did, and he said: “Dont you know that flies is better than the Times?” Then I said: “Yes, father, but there was a wops.”
Father he thought a long time, and final he said: “Well, my son, you know what I think of flies, and you know what I think of news papers, and particklar you know what I think of the New York Times, but, Johnny, if there was a wops, and you heard it say that it was a goin to sit on your fathers nose and sting him deep in both his beutiful eyes, and your sister was a wearin the Tribune for to improve her figgure, I will over look your fault this time if you get out of this real quick.”
So I jumpt out of the door jest as he flang a book at me.
The Bible it says thou shall be kind to thy father, for of such is the kingdom of Heaven, but the wicked shall have eternle life.
MUNKYS
A MAN had a pet munky, and the mans boy hated the munky cause it done every thing which he done his self. One terrible cold winter evenin the boy got 2 buckets of water and set them out doors. Then he got a piece of rope and tied it around him under his jacket and let the end hang down like it was a tail, and then he set down on the edge of one bucket and let the rope hang in the water. The munky it looked on, and then it tost its head, contemptible, much as to say it could do that too, and it went to the other bucket and done it. Then the water it froze and the boy he untied the rope and went in the house, but the munky couldent untie its tail, and it stayd there and in the mornin it was froze to death.
When the man found the dead munk he swore awful, cause he liked him, but the boy he come up and put his kanuckle in his eye, like he was cryin, and said: “Poor little feller, what a pity he died jest as he had got most out.”
Mister Gipple he says there was a painter, and he painted a picture of a awfle hiddeous babboon, and he was mighty homely his own self. His wife she hadnt see the picture, cause she was pretty and didnt care for art. One day the painter he looked in the parlor where his wife was, and said: “Ime a goin out, and shant be back till a long time,” for he was takin the picture of the bab to the mans house which had bought it. But when he got there the man was too sick abed for to look at it, so he brought it back home, the painter did, and as he was a passin the parlor window he looked in and seen his wife a sleep in her chair, facin the window.
Then the painter he said to hisself: “I will give her a good scare.” So he set the picture on the window sil out side, like it was a lookin in, and then he let his self in the house with a lach key, and set down by his wife, and took her hand and prest it mighty lovin, and she smiled in her sleep and mummered “Dear Henry,” which wasnt his name. After a while she opend her eyes and seen the picture of the bab a lookin in to the window. She started like she was shot dead, and with out lookin round she cried out: “O my! he has come back. Get under the piano!”
Now what is the sense of sech a story as that? But the rhi nosey rose is the king of beasts.
Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, he says one time him and the captin of his ship and the bosen they went a shore on a sawage iland for to look for coco nuts. While Jack was a little way from the captin and the bosen the natif niggers they come and catched them fellers and took them away and sinked the boat. Then they come back and run towards Jack for to catch him too, but Jack he stood on his head and made frightfle faces. So they said he was a god, and led him to their king, which showed him great respeck and took his does off and had him painted green and yellow, and set him on a clay throne and worshipt him while he continude to make mouths frequent.
That night the natif niggers made a great feast of stew and Jack, which set by the king said: “What is it made of?”
The king said: “It is horse, which is the noblest of birds.”
So Jack, which was mighty hungry, he took a big wood spoon and fished round in the stew pot, and pretty soon brought up a lether belt, and a shoe string, and a finger ring. Then he suddenly leeped to his feets like a thing of life, and turned a hand spring, and roled his eyes awful, and shouted: “Rash mortlel Horse is forbid to be et by gods, and you have stewed it with the harness on! Fetch me some roasted munky this minute, with the tail on, or I will make your nose grow to your hand!”
Jack says he stayed on the iland 5 years and was fed so much munky that when he excaped to a ship he scampered up the riggin and leeped from mast to mast and chattered srill!
BEARS
BEARS spend the winter in hollow logs and dont eat any thing till they come out in the spring. One fine spring day a bear come out of a farmers barn yard and the farmer he see him. Then the farmer said to his boy: “Jim, you go and tackle that feller and we will have his hide. He will be easy prey, for he is so thin that he cant cast a shadow.”
The boy said: “Of course lie do it if you say so, but he is castin a mighty black shaddow all the same.”
The farmer he said: “Non sense, that is the shadow of one of our calfs. He has et it.”
One time me and Billy was to the Zoo, and Billy went to the bears den. The bear sat up and made a lap and Billy he lit a fire cracker and threw it in the bears lap. The bear looked down at the cracker, which was a smokin in his fur, and then cocked his head, real knowin, much as to say: “You cant fool me, that aint no pea nut.”
But when the cracker went off you never have saw such a crazy bear!
Fire crackers is fine, but give me the canons roar, and the chargers nay, and the flags a floppin in the breez, and heaps of slain!
Uncle Ned says once in Indy when him and his dog was a strolin on the bank of the Gangee a bear come out of the jingle and started for to swim across. When the dog seen some thing in the water he jumpt in for to fetch it out, with out thinkin particlar what it might be, but it was the bears head. But when the dog had pretty near catched up with it it turned round and give him a smile, like sayin: “Its awfle good of you to take sech a friendly intrest in a stranger. When we get to the other side lie ask you to dinner, and we will have dog.”
But when the dog seen how things was he rememberd a previous engagement, and Uncle Ned says there wasnt never any body which tried so hard for to be punctual.
Yestday was Valentines day and some wicked feller he sent me one which was the ugliest ever see. It is drew with a pen, and its me a settin on a Noays ark with wooden animals before me, and me a writin about them with my toung out and my legs twisted to gather like grape vines, but not a bit like me, more like Billy. There is a big jackus a standin behine me with his mouth to my ear, like he was a whisperin in school, and this is the poetry which is under the pictur, bad spellin and all, I never see such fool poetry!
Now here you are, Johnny, and heres Uncle Ned, Composing your stories all out of his head.
With Genius behind you and Nature before, No truth can “kanock” you, no mystery “flore., You’re true as a clock to your subject — at least, You w
rite about beasts, and you write like a beast.
When I got that I took it strait to Uncle Ned, and when he had read it he looked mighty mad. Then I said: “Uncle Ned, what becomes of wicked fellers souls when they die?”
Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, that is a question which will keep till you have a optunity to see for your self. This gum dasted villin says no mystry can flore you, but I guess its just as well not to go out of your way for to tackle mystries which are peaceful disposed. I respeck your motive in askin the riddle, cause it is the same which under lies the holy religion of the Pattigonions, but the Bible it says for us to love our enmies, cause they dont know any better. So I move we forgive this feller and content our selfs with the hope that what ever is done to him in a other and bitter world it will be good and plenty.”
Thats all I know bout bears to day, but Billy he can crow like a cockadoodle, and the Bible it says let us be up and doin.
THE TAIL END
UNCLE NED he said yesterday did I know what was up. I said the girafts head was upper than any thing. Then he said, Uncle Ned did: “Thats so, Johnny, but what I mean is do you know what is a goin for to happen in this house, right under your 2 eyes?”
Then I looked at my sister to see if she knew, but she was red in the face, like she was a lobster, and I said why didnt she set further away from the fire, but mother she said: “Never mind your sister, Johnny, your uncle is talkin to you, why dont you anser?”
So I told him no, I didnt know what was goin for to happen, less Billy was a goin to get a lickin, and he said: “That’s a safe guess, but wihat I mean is you are to have a new brother.”
Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics) Page 131