That rite performed, fell off again to sleep,
While statesmen ages dead awoke to weep!
For sedentary service all unfit,
By lying long disqualified to sit,
Wasting below as he decayed aloft,
His seat grown harder as his brain grew soft,
He left the hall he could not bring away,
And grateful millions blessed the happy day!
Whate’er contention in that hall is heard,
His sovereign State has still the final word:
For disputatious statesmen when they roar
Startle the ancient echoes of his snore,
Which from their dusty nooks expostulate
And close with stormy clamor the debate.
To low melodious thunders then they fade;
Their murmuring lullabies all ears invade;
Peace takes the Chair; the portal Silence keeps;
No motion stirs the dark Lethean deeps —
Washoe has spoken and the Senate sleeps.
II
Lo! the new Sharon with a new intent,
Making no laws, but keen to circumvent
The laws of Nature (since he can’t repeal)
That break his failing body on the wheel.
As Tantalus again and yet again
The elusive wave endeavors to restrain
To slake his awful thirst, so Sharon tries
To purchase happiness that age denies;
Obtains the shadow, but the substance goes,
And hugs the thorn, but cannot keep the rose;
For Dead Sea fruits bids prodigally, eats,
And then, with tardy reformation — cheats.
Alert his faculties as three score years
And four score vices will permit, he nears —
Dicing with Death — the finish of the game,
And curses still his candle’s wasting flame,
The narrow circle of whose feeble glow
Dims and diminishes at every throw.
Moments his losses, pleasures are his gains,
Which even in his grasp revert to pains.
The joy of grasping them alone remains.
III
Ring up the curtain and the play protract!
Behold our Sharon in his last mad act.
With man long warring, quarreling with God,
He crouches now beneath a woman’s rod
Predestined for his back while yet it lay
Closed in an acorn which, one luckless day,
He stole, unconscious of its foetal twig,
From the scant garner of a sightless pig.
With bleeding shoulders pitilessly scored,
He bawls more lustily than once he snored.
The sympathetic Comstocks droop to hear,
And Carson river sheds a viscous tear,
Which sturdy tumble-bugs assail amain,
With ready thrift, and urge along the plain.
The jackass rabbit sorrows as he lopes;
The sage-brush glooms along the mountain slopes;
In rising clouds the poignant alkali,
Tearless itself, makes everybody cry.
Washoe canaries on the Geiger Grade
Subdue the singing of their cavalcade,
And, wiping with their ears the tears unshed,
Grieve for their family’s unlucky head.
Virginia City intermits her trade
And well-clad strangers walk her streets unflayed.
Nay, all Nevada ceases work to weep
And the recording angel goes to sleep.
But in his dreams his goose-quill’s creaking fount
Augments the debits in the long account.
And still the continents and oceans ring
With royal torments of the Silver King!
Incessant bellowings fill all the earth,
Mingled with inextinguishable mirth.
He roars, men laugh, Nevadans weep, beasts howl,
Plash the affrighted fish, and shriek the fowl!
With monstrous din their blended thunders rise,
Peal upon peal, and brawl along the skies,
Startle in hell the Sharons as they groan,
And shake the splendors of the great white throne!
Still roaring outward through the vast profound,
The spreading circles of receding sound
Pursue each other in a failing race
To the cold confines of eternal space;
There break and die along that awful shore
Which God’s own eyes have never dared explore —
Dark, fearful, formless, nameless evermore!
Look to the west! Against yon steely sky
Lone Mountain rears its holy cross on high.
About its base the meek-faced dead are laid
To share the benediction of its shade.
With crossed white hands, shut eyes and formal feet,
Their nights are innocent, their days discreet.
Sharon, some years, perchance, remain of life —
Of vice and greed, vulgarity and strife;
And then — God speed the day if such His will —
You’ll lie among the dead you helped to kill,
And be in good society at last,
Your purse unsilvered and your face unbrassed.
A MAN
Pennoyer, Governor of Oregon,
Casting to South his eye across the bourne
Of his dominion (where the Palmiped,
With leathers ‘twixt his toes, paddles his marsh,
Amphibious) saw a rising cloud of hats,
And heard a faint, far sound of distant cheers
Below the swell of the horizon. “Lo,”
Cried one, “the President! the President!”
All footed webwise then took up the word —
The hill tribes and the tribes lacustrine and
The folk riparian and littoral,
Cried with one voice: “The President! He comes!”
And some there were who flung their headgear up
In emulation of the Southern mob;
While some, more soberly disposed, stood still
And silently had fits; and others made
Such reverent genuflexions as they could,
Having that climate in their bones. Then spake
The Court Dunce, humbly, as became him: “Sire,
If thou, as heretofore thou hast, wilt deign
To reap advantage of a fool’s advice
By action ordered after nature’s way,
As in thy people manifest (for still
Stupidity’s the only wisdom) thou
Wilt get thee straight unto to the border land
To mark the President’s approach with such
Due, decent courtesy as it shall seem
We have in custom the best warrant for.”
Pennoyer, Governor of Oregon,
Eyeing the storm of hats which darkened all
The Southern sky, and hearing far hurrahs
Of an exulting people, answered not.
Then some there were who fell upon their knees,
And some upon their Governor, and sought
Each in his way, by blandishment or force,
To gain his action to their end. “Behold,”
They said, “thy brother Governor to South
Met him even at the gateway of his realm,
Crook-kneed, magnetic-handed and agrin,
Backed like a rainbow — all things done in form
Of due observance and respect. Shall we
Alone of all his servitors refuse
Swift welcome to our master and our lord?”
Pennoyer, Governor of Oregon,
Answered them not, but turned his back to them
And as if speaking to himself, the while
He started to retire, said: “He be damned!”
To that High Place o’er Portland’s central block,
Where the Recording Angel stands to view
The sinning world, nor thinks to move his feet
Aside and look below, came flocking up
Inferior angels, all aghast, and cried:
“Pennoyer, Governor of Oregon,
Has said, O what an awful word! — too bad
To be by us repeated!” “Yes, I know,”
Said the superior bird—”I heard it too,
And have already booked it. Pray observe.”
Splitting the giant tome, whose covers fell
Apart, o’ershadowing to right and left
The Eastern and the Western world, he showed
The newly written entry, black and big,
Upon the credit side of thine account,
Pennoyer, Governor of Oregon.
Y’E FOE TO CATHAYE
O never an oathe sweares he,
And never a pig-taile jerkes;
With a brick-batte he ne lurkes
For to buste y’e crust, perdie,
Of y’e man from over sea,
A-synging as he werkes.
For he knows ful well, y’s youth,
A tricke of exceeding worth:
And he plans withouten ruth
A conflagration’s birth!
SAMUEL SHORTRIDGE
Like a worn mother he attempts in vain
To still the unruly Crier of his brain:
The more he rocks the cradle of his chin
The more uproarious grows the brat within.
SURPRISED
“O son of mine age, these eyes lose their fire:
Be eyes, I pray, to thy dying sire.”
“O father, fear not, for mine eyes are bright —
I read through a millstone at dead of night.”
“My son, O tell me, who are those men,
Rushing like pigs to the feeding-pen?”
“Welcomers they of a statesman grand.
They’ll shake, and then they will pocket; his hand.”
“Sagacious youth, with the wondrous eye,
They seem to throw up their headgear. Why?”
“Because they’ve thrown up their hands until, O,
They’re so tired! — and dinners they’ve none to throw.”
“My son, my son, though dull are mine ears,
I hear a great sound like the people’s cheers.”
“He’s thanking them, father, with tears in his eyes,
For giving him lately that fine surprise.”
“My memory fails as I near mine end;
How did they astonish their grateful friend?”
“By letting him buy, like apples or oats,
With that which has made him so good, the votes
Which make him so wise and grand and great.
Now, father, please die, for ‘tis growing late.”
POSTERITY’S AWARD
I’d long been dead, but I returned to earth.
Some small affairs posterity was making
A mess of, and I came to see that worth
Received its dues. I’d hardly finished waking,
The grave-mould still upon me, when my eye
Perceived a statue standing straight and high.
‘Twas a colossal figure — bronze and gold —
Nobly designed, in attitude commanding.
A toga from its shoulders, fold on fold,
Fell to the pedestal on which ‘twas standing.
Nobility it had and splendid grace,
And all it should have had — except a face!
It showed no features: not a trace nor sign
Of any eyes or nose could be detected —
On the smooth oval of its front no line
Where sites for mouths are commonly selected.
All blank and blind its faulty head it reared.
Let this be said: ‘twas generously eared.
Seeing these things, I straight began to guess
For whom this mighty image was intended.
“The head,” I cried, “is Upton’s, and the dress
Is Parson Bartlett’s own.” True, his cloak ended
Flush with his lowest vertebra, but no
Sane sculptor ever made a toga so.
Then on the pedestal these words I read: “Erected Eighteen Hundred Ninety-seven” (Saint Christofer! how fast the time had sped! Of course it naturally does in Heaven) “To — —” (here a blank space for the name began) “The Nineteenth Century’s Great Foremost Man!”
“Completed” the inscription ended, “in
The Year Three Thousand” — which was just arriving.
By Jove! thought I, ‘twould make the founders grin
To learn whose fame so long has been surviving —
To read the name posterity will place
In that blank void, and view the finished face.
Even as I gazed, the year Three Thousand came,
And then by acclamation all the people
Decreed whose was our century’s best fame;
Then scaffolded the statue like a steeple,
To make the likeness; and the name was sunk
Deep in the pedestal’s metallic trunk.
Whose was it? Gentle reader, pray excuse
The seeming rudeness, but I can’t consent to
Be so forehanded with important news.
’Twas neither yours nor mine — let that content you.
If not, the name I must surrender, which,
Upon a dead man’s word, was George K. Fitch!
AN ART CRITIC
Ira P. Rankin, you’ve a nasal name —
I’ll sound it through “the speaking-trump of fame,”
And wondering nations, hearing from afar
The brazen twang of its resounding jar,
Shall say: “These bards are an uncommon class —
They blow their noses with a tube of brass!”
Rankin! ye gods! if Influenza pick
Our names at christening, and such names stick,
Let’s all be born when summer suns withstand
Her prevalence and chase her from the land,
And healing breezes generously help
To shield from death each ailing human whelp!
“What’s in a name?” There’s much at least in yours
That the pained ear unwillingly endures,
And much to make the suffering soul, I fear,
Envy the lesser anguish of the ear.
So you object to Cytherea! Do,
The picture was not painted, sir, for you!
Your mind to gratify and taste address,
The masking dove had been a dove the less.
Provincial censor! all untaught in art,
With mind indecent and indecent heart,
Do you not know — nay, why should I explain?
Instruction, argument alike were vain —
I’ll show you reasons when you show me brain.
THE SPIRIT OF A SPONGE
I dreamed one night that Stephen Massett died,
And for admission up at Heaven applied.
“Who are you?” asked St. Peter. Massett said:
“Jeems Pipes, of Pipesville.” Peter bowed his head,
Opened the gates and said: “I’m glad to know you,
And wish we’d something better, sir, to show you.”
“Don’t mention it,” said Stephen, looking bland,
And was about to enter, hat in hand,
When from a cloud below such fumes arose
As tickled tenderly his conscious nose.
He paused, replaced his hat upon his head,
Turned back and to the saintly warden said,
O’er his already sprouting wings: “I swear
I smell some broiling going on down there!”
So Massett’s paunch, attracted by the smell,
Followed his nose and found a place in Hell.
ORNITHANTHROPOS
“Let John P. Irish rise!” the edict rang
As when Creation into being sprang!
Nature, not clearly understanding, tried
To make a bird that on the air could ride.
But naught could baffle the creative plan —
Despite her efforts ‘twas almost a man.
Yet he had risen — to the bird a twin —
Had she but fixed a wing upon his chin.
TO E.S. SALOMON
Who in a Memorial Day oration protested bitterly against
decorating the graves of Confederate dead.
What! Salomon! such words from you,
Who call yourself a soldier? Well,
The Southern brother where he fell
Slept all your base oration through.
Alike to him — he cannot know
Your praise or blame: as little harm
Your tongue can do him as your arm
A quarter-century ago.
The brave respect the brave. The brave
Respect the dead; but you — you draw
That ancient blade, the ass’s jaw,
And shake it o’er a hero’s grave.
Are you not he who makes to-day
A merchandise of old renown
Which he persuades this easy town
He won in battle far away?
Nay, those the fallen who revile
Have ne’er before the living stood
And stoutly made their battle good
And greeted danger with a smile.
What if the dead whom still you hate
Were wrong? Are you so surely right?
We know the issue of the fight —
The sword is but an advocate.
Men live and die, and other men
Arise with knowledges diverse:
What seemed a blessing seems a curse,
And Now is still at odds with Then.
The years go on, the old comes back
To mock the new — beneath the sun.
Is nothing new; ideas run
Recurrent in an endless track.
What most we censure, men as wise
Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics) Page 147