To kiss a woman’s feet
That crush a woman’s heart, —
O prudent dams and sires,
Your docile young who bring
To see how man admires
A sinner if she sing, —
O husbands who impart
To each assenting spouse
The lesson that shall start
The buds upon your brows, —
All whose applauding hands
Assist to rear the fame
That throws o’er all the lands
The shadow of its shame, —
Go drag her car! — the mud
Through which its axle rolls
Is partly human blood
And partly human souls.
Mad, mad! — your senses whirl
Like devils dancing free,
Because a strolling girl
Can hold the note high C.
For this the avenging rod
Of Heaven ye dare defy,
And tear the law that God
Thundered from Sinai!
HOSPITALITY.
Why ask me, Gastrogogue, to dine
(Unless to praise your rascal wine)
Yet never ask some luckless sinner
Who needs, as I do not, a dinner?
FOR A CERTAIN CRITIC.
Let lowly themes engage my humble pen —
Stupidities of critics, not of men.
Be it mine once more the maunderings to trace
Of the expounders’ self-directed race —
Their wire-drawn fancies, finically fine,
Of diligent vacuity the sign.
Let them in jargon of their trade rehearse
The moral meaning of the random verse
That runs spontaneous from the poet’s pen
To be half-blotted by ambitious men
Who hope with his their meaner names to link
By writing o’er it in another ink
The thoughts unreal which they think they think,
Until the mental eye in vain inspects
The hateful palimpsest to find the text.
The lark ascending heavenward, loud and long
Sings to the dawning day his wanton song.
The moaning dove, attentive to the sound,
Its hidden meaning hastens to expound:
Explains its principles, design — in brief,
Pronounces it a parable of grief!
The bee, just pausing ere he daubs his thigh
With pollen from a hollyhock near by,
Declares he never heard in terms so just
The labor problem thoughtfully discussed!
The browsing ass looks up and clears his whistle
To say: “A monologue upon the thistle!”
Meanwhile the lark, descending, folds his wing
And innocently asks: “What! — did I sing?”
O literary parasites! who thrive
Upon the fame of better men, derive
Your sustenance by suction, like a leech,
And, for you preach of them, think masters preach, —
Who find it half is profit, half delight,
To write about what you could never write, —
Consider, pray, how sharp had been the throes
Of famine and discomfiture in those
You write of if they had been critics, too,
And doomed to write of nothing but of you!
Lo! where the gaping crowd throngs yonder tent,
To see the lion resolutely bent!
The prosing showman who the beast displays
Grows rich and richer daily in its praise.
But how if, to attract the curious yeoman,
The lion owned the show and showed the showman?
RELIGIOUS PROGRESS.
Every religion is important. When men rise above existing conditions a new religion comes in, and it is better than the old one. — Professor Howison.
Professor dear, I think it queer
That all these good religions
(‘Twixt you and me, some two or three
Are schemes for plucking pigeons) —
I mean ‘tis strange that every change
Our poor minds to unfetter
Entails a new religion — true
As t’ other one, and better.
From each in turn the truth we learn,
That wood or flesh or spirit
May justly boast it rules the roast
Until we cease to fear it.
Nay, once upon a time long gone
Man worshipped Cat and Lizard:
His God he’d find in any kind
Of beast, from a to izzard.
When risen above his early love
Of dirt and blood and slumber,
He pulled down these vain deities,
And made one out of lumber.
“Far better that than even a cat,”
The Howisons all shouted;
”When God is wood religion’s good!”
But one poor cynic doubted.
“A timber God — that’s very odd!”
Said Progress, and invented
The simple plan to worship Man,
Who, kindly soul! consented.
But soon our eye we lift asky,
Our vows all unregarded,
And find (at least so says the priest)
The Truth — and Man’s discarded.
Along our line of march recline
Dead gods devoid of feeling;
And thick about each sun-cracked lout
Dried Howisons are kneeling.
MAGNANIMITY.
“To the will of the people we loyally bow!”
That’s the minority shibboleth now.
O noble antagonists, answer me flat —
What would you do if you didn’t do that?
TO HER.
O, Sinner A, to me unknown
Be such a conscience as your own!
To ease it you to Sinner B
Confess the sins of Sinner C.
TO A SUMMER POET.
Yes, the Summer girl is flirting on the beach,
With a him.
And the damboy is a-climbing for the peach,
On the limb;
Yes, the bullfrog is a-croaking
And the dudelet is a-smoking
Cigarettes;
And the hackman is a-hacking
And the showman is a-cracking
Up his pets;
Yes, the Jersey ‘skeeter flits along the shore
And the snapdog — we have heard it o’er and o’er;
Yes, my poet,
Well we know it —
Know the spooners how they spoon
In the bright
Dollar light
Of the country tavern moon;
Yes, the caterpillars fall
From the trees (we know it all),
And with beetles all the shelves
Are alive.
Please unbuttonhole us — O,
Have the grace to let us go,
For we know
How you Summer poets thrive,
By the recapitulation
And insistent iteration
Of the wondrous doings incident to Life Among
Ourselves!
So, I pray you stop the fervor and the fuss.
For you, poor human linnet,
There’s a half a living in it,
But there’s not a copper cent in it for us!
ARTHUR McEWEN.
Posterity with all its eyes
Will come and view him where he lies.
Then, turning from the scene away
With a concerted shrug, will say:
”H’m, Scarabaeus Sisyphus —
What interest has that to us?
We can’t admire at all, at all,
A tumble-bug without its ball.”
And then a sage will rise and say:
”Good friends, you err — turn back, I pray:
<
br /> This freak that you unwisely shun
Is bug and ball rolled into one.”
CHARLES AND PETER.
Ere Gabriel’s note to silence died
All graves of men were gaping wide.
Then Charles A. Dana, of “The Sun,”
Rose slowly from the deepest one.
“The dead in Christ rise first, ‘t is writ,”
Quoth he—”ick, bick, ban, doe, — I’m It!”
(His headstone, footstone, counted slow,
Were “ick” and “bick,” he “ban” and “doe”:
Of beating Nick the subtle art
Was part of his immortal part.)
Then straight to Heaven he took his flight,
Arriving at the Gates of Light.
There Warden Peter, in the throes
Of sleep, lay roaring in the nose.
“Get up, you sluggard!” Dana cried —
”I’ve an engagement there inside.”
The Saint arose and scratched his head.
”I recollect your face,” he said.
“(And, pardon me, ‘t is rather hard),
But — —” Dana handed him a card.
“Ah, yes, I now remember — bless
My soul, how dull I am I — yes, yes,
“We’ve nothing better here than bliss.
Walk in. But I must tell you this:
“We’ve rest and comfort, though, and peace.”
”H’m — puddles,” Dana said, “for geese.
“Have you in Heaven no Hell?” “Why, no,”
Said Peter, “nor, in truth, below.
“‘T is not included in our scheme —
’T is but a preacher’s idle dream.”
The great man slowly moved away.
”I’ll call,” he said, “another day.
“On earth I played it, o’er and o’er,
And Heaven without it were a bore.”
“O, stuff! — come in. You’ll make,” said Pete,
”A hell where’er you set your feet.”
1885.
CONTEMPLATION.
I muse upon the distant town
In many a dreamy mood.
Above my head the sunbeams crown
The graveyard’s giant rood.
The lupin blooms among the tombs.
The quail recalls her brood.
Ah, good it is to sit and trace
The shadow of the cross;
It moves so still from place to place
O’er marble, bronze and moss;
With graves to mark upon its arc
Our time’s eternal loss.
And sweet it is to watch the bee
That reve’s in the rose,
And sense the fragrance floating free
On every breeze that blows
O’er many a mound, where, safe and sound,
Mine enemies repose.
CREATION.
God dreamed — the suns sprang flaming into place,
And sailing worlds with many a venturous race!
He woke — His smile alone illumined space.
BUSINESS.
Two villains of the highest rank
Set out one night to rob a bank.
They found the building, looked it o’er,
Each window noted, tried each door,
Scanned carefully the lidded hole
For minstrels to cascade the coal —
In short, examined five-and-twenty
Good paths from poverty to plenty.
But all were sealed, they saw full soon,
Against the minions of the moon.
”Enough,” said one: “I’m satisfied.”
The other, smiling fair and wide,
Said: “I’m as highly pleased as you:
No burglar ever can get through.
Fate surely prospers our design —
The booty all is yours and mine.”
So, full of hope, the following day
To the exchange they took their way
And bought, with manner free and frank,
Some stock of that devoted bank;
And they became, inside the year,
One President and one Cashier.
Their crime I can no further trace —
The means of safety to embrace,
I overdrew and left the place.
A POSSIBILITY.
If the wicked gods were willing
(Pray it never may be true!)
That a universal chilling
Should ensue
Of the sentiment of loving, —
If they made a great undoing
Of the plan of turtle-doving,
Then farewell all poet-lore,
Evermore.
If there were no more of billing
There would be no more of cooing
And we all should be but owls —
Lonely fowls
Blinking wonderfully wise,
With our great round eyes —
Sitting singly in the gloaming and no longer two and two,
As unwilling to be wedded as unpracticed how to woo;
With regard to being mated,
Asking still with aggravated
Ungrammatical acerbity: “To who? To who?”
TO A CENSOR.
“The delay granted by the weakness and good nature of
our judges is responsible for half the murders.” — Daily Newspaper.
Delay responsible? Why, then; my friend,
Impeach Delay and you will make an end.
Thrust vile Delay in jail and let it rot
For doing all the things that it should not.
Put not good-natured judges under bond,
But make Delay in damages respond.
Minos, Aeacus, Rhadamanthus, rolled
Into one pitiless, unsmiling scold —
Unsparing censor, be your thongs uncurled
To “lash the rascals naked through the world.”
The rascals? Nay, Rascality’s the thing
Above whose back your knotted scourges sing.
Your satire, truly, like a razor keen,
”Wounds with a touch that’s neither felt nor seen;”
For naught that you assail with falchion free
Has either nerves to feel or eyes to see.
Against abstractions evermore you charge
You hack no helmet and you need no targe.
That wickedness is wrong and sin a vice,
That wrong’s not right and foulness never nice,
Fearless affirm. All consequences dare:
Smite the offense and the offender spare.
When Ananias and Sapphira lied
Falsehood, had you been there, had surely died.
When money-changers in the Temple sat,
At money-changing you’d have whirled the “cat”
(That John-the-Baptist of the modern pen)
And all the brokers would have cried amen!
Good friend, if any judge deserve your blame
Have you no courage, or has he no name?
Upon his method will you wreak your wrath,
Himself all unmolested in his path?
Fall to! fall to! — your club no longer draw
To beat the air or flail a man of straw.
Scorn to do justice like the Saxon thrall
Who cuffed the offender’s shadow on a wall.
Let rascals in the flesh attest your zeal —
Knocked on the mazzard or tripped up at heel!
We know that judges are corrupt. We know
That crimes are lively and that laws are slow.
We know that lawyers lie and doctors slay;
That priests and preachers are but birds of pray;
That merchants cheat and journalists for gold
Flatter the vicious while at vice they scold.
’Tis all familiar as the simple lore
That two policemen and two thieves make four.
But since, while some are wicked, some are good,
(As trees may differ though they all are wood)
Names, here and there, to show whose head is hit,
The bad would sentence and the good acquit.
In sparing everybody none you spare:
Rebukes most personal are least unfair.
To fire at random if you still prefer,
And swear at Dog but never kick a cur,
Permit me yet one ultimate appeal
To something that you understand and feel:
Let thrift and vanity your heart persuade —
You might be read if you would learn your trade.
Good brother cynics (you have doubtless guessed
Not one of you but all are here addressed)
Remember this: the shaft that seeks a heart
Draws all eyes after it; an idle dart
Shot at some shadow flutters o’er the green,
Its flight unheeded and its fall unseen.
THE HESITATING VETERAN.
When I was young and full of faith
And other fads that youngsters cherish
A cry rose as of one that saith
With unction: “Help me or I perish!”
’Twas heard in all the land, and men
The sound were each to each repeating.
It made my heart beat faster then
Than any heart can now be beating.
For the world is old and the world is gray —
Grown prudent and, I guess, more witty.
She’s cut her wisdom teeth, they say,
And doesn’t now go in for Pity.
Besides, the melancholy cry
Was that of one, ‘tis now conceded,
Whose plight no one beneath the sky
Felt half so poignantly as he did.
Moreover, he was black. And yet
Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics) Page 169