Eat, and quaff my simple drink,
Please suggest whatever suits you
As a Theme for me to Think.”
Then the hunter answered gravely:
”From distraction free, and strife,
You could ponder very bravely
On the Vanity of Life.”
“O, thou wise and learned Teacher,
You have solved the Problem well —
You have saved a grateful creature
From the agonies of hell.
“Take another root, another
Cup of water: eat and drink.
Now I have a Subject, brother,
Tell me What, and How, to think.”
TO A CRITIC OF TENNYSON.
Affronting fool, subdue your transient light;
When Wisdom’s dull dares Folly to be bright:
If Genius stumble in the path to fame,
’Tis decency in dunces to go lame.
THE YEARLY LIE.
A merry Christmas? Prudent, as I live! —
You wish me something that you need not give.
Merry or sad, what does it signify?
To you ‘t is equal if I laugh, or die.
Your hollow greeting, like a parrot’s jest,
Finds all its meaning in the ear addressed.
Why “merry” Christmas? Faith, I’d rather frown
Than grin and caper like a tickled clown.
When fools are merry the judicious weep;
The wise are happy only when asleep.
A present? Pray you give it to disarm
A man more powerful to do you harm.
‘T was not your motive? Well, I cannot let
You pay for favors that you’ll never get.
Perish the savage custom of the gift,
Founded in terror and maintained in thrift!
What men of honor need to aid their weal
They purchase, or, occasion serving, steal.
Go celebrate the day with turkeys, pies,
Sermons and psalms, and, for the children, lies.
Let Santa Claus descend again the flue;
If Baby doubt it, swear that it is true.
“A lie well stuck to is as good as truth,”
And God’s too old to legislate for youth.
Hail Christmas! On my knees and fowl I fall:
For greater grace and better gravy call.
Vive l’Humbug! — that’s to say, God bless us all!
COOPERATION.
No more the swindler singly seeks his prey;
To hunt in couples is the modern way —
A rascal, from the public to purloin,
An honest man to hide away the coin.
AN APOLOGUE.
A traveler observed one day
A loaded fruit-tree by the way.
And reining in his horse exclaimed:
”The man is greatly to be blamed
Who, careless of good morals, leaves
Temptation in the way of thieves.
Now lest some villain pass this way
And by this fruit be led astray
To bag it, I will kindly pack
It snugly in my saddle-sack.”
He did so; then that Salt o’ the Earth
Rode on, rejoicing in his worth.
DIAGNOSIS.
Cried Allen Forman: “Doctor, pray
Compose my spirits’ strife:
O what may be my chances, say,
Of living all my life?
“For lately I have dreamed of high
And hempen dissolution!
O doctor, doctor, how can I
Amend my constitution?”
The learned leech replied: “You’re young
And beautiful and strong —
Permit me to inspect your tongue:
H’m, ah, ahem!—’tis long.”
FALLEN.
O, hadst thou died when thou wert great,
When at thy feet a nation knelt
To sob the gratitude it felt
And thank the Saviour of the State,
Gods might have envied thee thy fate!
Then was the laurel round thy brow,
And friend and foe spoke praise of thee,
While all our hearts sang victory.
Alas! thou art too base to bow
To hide the shame that brands it now.
DIES IRAE.
A recent republication of the late Gen. John A. Dix’s disappointing translation of this famous medieval hymn, together with some researches into its history which I happened to be making at the time, induces me to undertake a translation myself. It may seem presumption in me to attempt that which so many eminent scholars of so many generations have attempted before me; but the conspicuous failure of others encourages me to hope that success, being still unachieved, is still achievable. The fault of previous translations, from Lord Macaulay’s to that of Gen. Dix, has been, I venture to think, a too strict literalness, whereby the delicate irony and subtle humor of the immortal poem — though doubtless these admirable qualities were well appreciated by the translators — have been utterly sacrificed in the result. In none of the English versions that I have examined is more than a trace of the mocking spirit of insincerity pervading the whole prayer, — the cool effrontery of the suppliant in enumerating his demerits, his serenely illogical demands of salvation in spite, or rather because, of them, his meek submission to the punishment of others, and the many similarly pleasing characteristics of this amusing work, being most imperfectly conveyed. By permitting myself a reasonable freedom of rendering — in many cases boldly supplying that “missing link” between the sublime and the ridiculous which the author, writing for the acute monkish apprehension of the 13th century, did not deem it necessary to insert — I have hoped at least partially to liberate the lurking devil of humor from his fetters, letting him caper, not, certainly, as he does in the Latin, but as he probably would have done had his creator written in English. In preserving the metre and double rhymes of the original, I have acted from the same reverent regard for the music with which, in the liturgy of the Church, the verses have become inseparably wedded that inspired Gen. Dix; seeking rather to surmount the obstacles to success by honest effort, than to avoid them by the adoption of an easier versification which would have deprived my version of all utility in religious service.
I must bespeak the reader’s charitable consideration in respect of the first stanza, the insuperable difficulties of which seem to have been purposely contrived in order to warn off trespassers at the very boundary of the alluring domain. I have got over the inhibition — somehow — but David and the Sibyl must try to forgive me if they find themselves represented merely by the names of those conspicuous personal qualities to which they probably owed, respectively, their powers of prophecy, as Samson’s strength lay in his hair.
DIES IRAE.
Dies irae! dies ilia!
Solvet saeclum in favilla
Teste David cum Sibylla.
Quantus tremor est futurus,
Quando Judex est venturus.
Cuncta stricte discussurus.
Tuba mirum spargens sonum
Per sepulchra regionem,
Coget omnes ante thronum.
Mors stupebit, et Natura,
Quum resurget creatura
Judicanti responsura.
Liber scriptus proferetur,
In quo totum continetur,
Unde mundus judicetur.
Judex ergo quum sedebit,
Quicquid latet apparebit,
Nil inultum remanebit.
Quid sum miser tunc dicturus,
Quem patronem rogaturus,
Quum vix justus sit securus?
Rex tremendae majestatis,
Qui salvandos salvas gratis;
Salva me, Fons pietatis
Recordare, Jesu pie
Quod sum causa tuae viae;
Ne me perdas illa die.
Quarens me sedisti lassus
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br /> Redimisti crucem passus,
Tantus labor non sit cassus.
Juste Judex ultionis,
Donum fac remissionis
Ante diem rationis.
Ingemisco tanquam reus,
Culpa rubet vultus meus;
Supplicanti parce, Deus.
Qui Mariam absolvisti
Et latronem exaudisti,
Mihi quoque spem dedisti.
Preces meae non sunt dignae,
Sed tu bonus fac benigne
Ne perenni cremer igne.
Inter oves locum praesta.
Et ab haedis me sequestra,
Statuens in parte dextra.
Confutatis maledictis,
Flammis acribus addictis,
Voca me cum benedictis.
Oro supplex et acclinis,
Cor contritum quasi cinis;
Gere curam mei finis.
Lacrymosa dies illa
Qua resurgent et favilla,
Judicandus homo reus
Huic ergo parce, Deus!
THE DAY OF WRATH.
Day of Satan’s painful duty!
Earth shall vanish, hot and sooty;
So says Virtue, so says Beauty.
Ah! what terror shall be shaping
When the Judge the truth’s undraping!
Cats from every bag escaping!
Now the trumpet’s invocation
Calls the dead to condemnation;
All receive an invitation.
Death and Nature now are quaking,
And the late lamented, waking,
In their breezy shrouds are shaking.
Lo! the Ledger’s leaves are stirring,
And the Clerk, to them referring,
Makes it awkward for the erring.
When the Judge appears in session,
We shall all attend confession,
Loudly preaching non-suppression.
How shall I then make romances
Mitigating circumstances?
Even the just must take their chances.
King whose majesty amazes.
Save thou him who sings thy praises;
Fountain, quench my private blazes.
Pray remember, sacred Savior,
Mine the playful hand that gave your
Death-blow. Pardon such behavior.
Seeking me fatigue assailed thee,
Calvary’s outlook naught availed thee:
Now ‘t were cruel if I failed thee.
Righteous judge and learned brother,
Pray thy prejudices smother
Ere we meet to try each other.
Sighs of guilt my conscience gushes,
And my face vermilion flushes;
Spare me for my pretty blushes.
Thief and harlot, when repenting,
Thou forgav’st — be complimenting
Me with sign of like relenting.
If too bold is my petition
I’ll receive with due submission
My dismissal — from perdition.
When thy sheep thou hast selected
From the goats, may I, respected,
Stand amongst them undetected.
When offenders are indicted,
And with trial-flames ignited,
Elsewhere I’ll attend if cited.
Ashen-hearted, prone, and prayerful,
When of death I see the air full,
Lest I perish, too, be careful.
On that day of lamentation,
When, to enjoy the conflagration.
Men come forth, O, be not cruel.
Spare me, Lord — make them thy fuel.
ONE MOOD’S EXPRESSION.
See, Lord, fanatics all arrayed
For revolution!
To foil their villainous crusade
Unsheathe again the sacred blade
Of persecution.
What though through long disuse ‘t is grown
A trifle rusty?
’Gainst modern heresy, whose bone
Is rotten, and the flesh fly-blown,
It still is trusty.
Of sterner stuff thine ancient foes,
Unapprehensive,
Sprang forth to meet thy biting blows;
Our zealots chiefly to the nose
Assume the offensive.
Then wield the blade their necks to hack,
Nor ever spare one.
Thy crowns of martyrdom unpack,
But see that every martyr lack
The head to wear one.
SOMETHING IN THE PAPERS.
“What’s in the paper?” Oh, it’s dev’lish dull:
There’s nothing happening at all — a lull
After the war-storm. Mr. Someone’s wife
Killed by her lover with, I think, a knife.
A fire on Blank Street and some babies — one,
Two, three or four, I don’t remember, done
To quite a delicate and lovely brown.
A husband shot by woman of the town —
The same old story. Shipwreck somewhere south.
The crew, all saved — or lost. Uncommon drouth
Makes hundreds homeless up the River Mud —
Though, come to think, I guess it was a flood.
’T is feared some bank will burst — or else it won’t
They always burst, I fancy — or they don’t;
Who cares a cent? — the banker pays his coin
And takes his chances: bullet in the groin —
But that’s another item — suicide —
Fool lost his money (serve him right) and died.
Heigh-ho! there’s noth — Jerusalem! what’s this:
Tom Jones has failed! My God, what an abyss
Of ruin! — owes me seven hundred clear!
Was ever such a damned disastrous year!
IN THE BINNACLE.
[The Church possesses the unerring compass whose needle points directly and persistently to the star of the eternal law of God. — Religious Weekly.]
The Church’s compass, if you please,
Has two or three (or more) degrees
Of variation;
And many a soul has gone to grief
On this or that or t’other reef
Through faith unreckoning or brief
Miscalculation.
Misguidance is of perils chief
To navigation.
The obsequious thing makes, too, you’ll mark,
Obeisance through a little arc
Of declination;
For Satan, fearing witches, drew
From Death’s pale horse, one day, a shoe,
And nailed it to his door to undo
Their machination.
Since then the needle dips to woo
His habitation.
HUMILITY.
Great poets fire the world with fagots big
That make a crackling racket,
But I’m content with but a whispering twig
To warm some single jacket.
ONE PRESIDENT.
“What are those, father?” “Statesmen, my child —
Lacrymose, unparliamentary, wild.”
“What are they that way for, father?” “Last fall,
’Our candidate’s better,’ they said, ‘than all!’”
“What did they say he was, father?” “A man
Built on a straight incorruptible plan —
Believing that none for an office would do
Unless he were honest and capable too.”
“Poor gentlemen — so disappointed!” “Yes, lad,
That is the feeling that’s driving them mad;
They’re weeping and wailing and gnashing because
They find that he’s all that they said that he was.”
THE BRIDE.
“You know, my friends, with what a brave carouse
I made a second marriage in my house —
Divorced old barren Reason from my bed
And took t
he Daughter of the Vine to spouse.”
So sang the Lord of Poets. In a gleam
Of light that made her like an angel seem,
The Daughter of the Vine said: “I myself
Am Reason, and the Other was a Dream.”
STRAINED RELATIONS.
Says England to Germany: “Africa’s ours.”
Says Germany: “Ours, I opine.”
Says Africa: “Tell me, delectable Pow’rs,
What is it that ought to be mine?”
THE MAN BORN BLIND.
A man born blind received his sight
By a painful operation;
And these are things he saw in the light
Of an infant observation.
He saw a merchant, good and wise.
And greatly, too, respected,
Who looked, to those imperfect eyes,
Like a swindler undetected.
He saw a patriot address
A noisy public meeting.
And said: “Why, that’s a calf. I guess.
That for the teat is bleating.”
A doctor stood beside a bed
And shook his summit sadly.
”O see that foul assassin!” said
The man who saw so badly.
He saw a lawyer pleading for
Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics) Page 183