Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics)

by Ambrose Bierce

  BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

  BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent.

  BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.

  BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box of berries in a market — the fine ones on top — have been opened on the wrong side. An inverted gentleman.

  BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters — the most difficult kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.

  BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. The hyena.

  “One night,” a doctor said, “last fall,

  I and my comrades, four in all,

  When visiting a graveyard stood

  Within the shadow of a wall.

  “While waiting for the moon to sink

  We saw a wild hyena slink

  About a new-made grave, and then

  Begin to excavate its brink!

  “Shocked by the horrid act, we made

  A sally from our ambuscade,

  And, falling on the unholy beast,

  Dispatched him with a pick and spade.”

  –Bettel K. Jhones

  BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third.

  Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would be able to give. “I need no bondsmen,” he replied, “for I can give you my word of honor.” “And pray what may be the value of that?” inquired the amused Regent. “Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold.”

  BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

  BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables — those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling.

  BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker.

  BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.

  BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can.

  A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects

  every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal

  instance of the Creator’s bounty in providing for the lives of His

  creatures.

  –Henry Ward Beecher

  BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva — a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never naughty.

  O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity,

  First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,

  You sit there so calm and securely,

  With feet folded up so demurely —

  You’re the First Person Singular, surely.

  –Polydore Smith

  BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

  BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink it.

  BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

  BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.

  C

  CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread.

  CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.

  The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor’s Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty’s measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.

  CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

  CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

  When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. “What!” said one of his disciples, “you weep at the death of an enemy?” “Ah, ‘tis true,” replied the great Stoic; “but you should see me smile at the death of a friend.”

  CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.

  CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes humpidorsus) of great value to the show business. There are two kinds of camels — the camel proper and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited.

  CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.

  CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

  CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.

  CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. Capital Punishment, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of which many worthy persons — including all the assassins — entertain grave misgivings.

  CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.

  As Death was a-rising out one day,

  Across Mount Camel he took his way,

  Where he met a mendicant monk,

  Some three or four quarters drunk,

  With a holy leer and a pious grin,

  Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,

  Who held out his hands and cried:

  “Give, give in Charity’s name, I pray.

  Give in the name of the Church. O give,

  Give that her holy sons may live!”

  And Death replied,

  Smiling long and wide:

  “I’ll give, holy father, I’ll give thee — a ride.”

  With a rattle and bang

  Of his bones, he sprang

  From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear;

  By the neck and the foot

  Seized the fellow, and put

  Him astride with his face to the rear.

  The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell

  Like clods on the coffin’s sounding shell:

  “Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say,

  Will ride to the devil!” — and thump

  Fell the flat of his dart on the rumpr />
  Of the charger, which galloped away.

  Faster and faster and faster it flew,

  Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew

  By the road were dim and blended and blue

  To the wild, wild eyes

  Of the rider — in size

  Resembling a couple of blackberry pies.

  Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh

  At a burial service spoiled,

  And the mourners’ intentions foiled

  By the body erecting

  Its head and objecting

  To further proceedings in its behalf.

  Many a year and many a day

  Have passed since these events away.

  The monk has long been a dusty corse,

  And Death has never recovered his horse.

  For the friar got hold of its tail,

  And steered it within the pale

  Of the monastery gray,

  Where the beast was stabled and fed

  With barley and oil and bread

  Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar,

  And so in due course was appointed Prior.

  –G.J.

  CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.

  CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum — whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum—”I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;” as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

  CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

  This is a dog,

  This is a cat.

  This is a frog,

  This is a rat.

  Run, dog, mew, cat.

  Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.

  –Elevenson

  CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work.

  CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian games:

  His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to

  overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives

  they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here

  commemorated by his family, who shared them.

  In the earth we here prepare a

  Place to lay our little Clara.

  –Thomas M. and Mary Frazer

  P.S. — Gabriel will raise her.

  CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, “Every man his own horse.” The best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat sophisticated sacred history.

  CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance — against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the poets have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes the number twenty-seven — a judgment that would be entirely conclusive is Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, and (b) something about arithmetic.

  CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth — two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.

  CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

  I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!

  The godly multitudes walked to and fro

  Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad,

  With pious mien, appropriately sad,

  While all the church bells made a solemn din —

  A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin.

  Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below,

  With tranquil face, upon that holy show

  A tall, spare figure in a robe of white,

  Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light.

  “God keep you, strange,” I exclaimed. “You are

  No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar;

  And yet I entertain the hope that you,

  Like these good people, are a Christian too.”

  He raised his eyes and with a look so stern

  It made me with a thousand blushes burn

  Replied — his manner with disdain was spiced:

  “What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I’m Christ.”

  –G.J.

  CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

  CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

  CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet — two clarionets.

  CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of better his temporal ones.

  CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio’s function was to preside over history — which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers.

  CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.

  A busy man complained one day:

  “I get no time!” “What’s that you say?”

  Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz;

  “You have, sir, all the time there is.

  There’s plenty, too, and don’t you doubt it —

  We’re never for an hour without it.”

  –Purzil Crofe

  CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain.

  “Close-fisted Scotchman!” Johnson cried

  To thrifty J. Macpherson;

  “See me — I’m ready to divide

  With any worthy person.”

  Sad Jamie: “That is very true —

  The boast requires no backing;

  And all are worthy, sir, to you,

  Who have what you are lacking.”

  –Anita M. Bobe

  COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples.

  O Coenobite, O coenobite,

  Monastical gregarian,

  You differ from the anchorite,

  That solitudinarian:

  With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick;

  With dropping shots he makes him sick.

  –Quincy Giles

  COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor’s uneasiness.

  COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do not equal, our own.

  COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

  COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient.

  This commonwealth’s capitol’s corridors view,

  So thronged with a hungry and indolent
crew

  Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches

  Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays

  That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins

  Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins.

  On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all,

  Misfortune attend and disaster befall!

  May life be to them a succession of hurts;

  May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts;

  May aches and diseases encamp in their bones,

  Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones;

  May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest,

  And tapeworms securely their bowels digest;

  May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair,

  And frequent impalement their pleasure impair.

  Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse

  Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse,

  By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors —

  The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores!

  Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin!

  Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin,

  Avenging the friend whom I couldn’t work in.

  –K.Q.

  COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.

  COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power.

  CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.

  CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.