Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics)

by Ambrose Bierce

  SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with supernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks. One of the most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells, who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable and mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. To the terror that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another township.

  STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has, however, not been successfully impeached.

  One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic.

  “Mr. Pollard,” said he, “my book, The Biography of a Dead Cow, is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism?”

  “I am very sorry, sir,” replied the critic, amiably, “but it did not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who wrote it.”

  Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a stream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his back and hiding in his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had been hanged there. The town was not very well lighted, and it is putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o’ nights. One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the loneliest spot within the city limits, talking loudly to keep up their courage, when they came upon Mr. J.J. Owen, a well-known journalist.

  “Why, Owen,” said one, “what brings you here on such a night as this? You told me that this is one of Vasquez’ favorite haunts! And you are a believer. Aren’t you afraid to be out?”

  “My dear fellow,” the journalist replied with a drear autumnal cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, “I am afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow’s stories in my pocket and I don’t dare to go where there is light enough to read it.”

  Rear–Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the question, Is success a failure? Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming: “Hello! I’ve heard that band before. Santlemann’s, I think.”

  “I don’t hear any band,” said Schley.

  “Come to think, I don’t either,” said Joy; “but I see General Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in the same way as a brass band. One has to scrutinize one’s impressions pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin.”

  While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy General Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity. When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the two observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by its effulgence —

  “He seems to be enjoying himself,” said the Admiral.

  “There is nothing,” assented Joy, thoughtfully, “that he enjoys one-half so well.”

  The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile from the village of Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into town on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker. It was a dreadfully hot day. Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark, said:

  “Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun. He’ll roast, sure! — he was smoking as I passed him.”

  “O, he’s all right,” said Clark, lightly; “he’s an inveterate smoker.”

  The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that it was not right.

  He was a conspirator. There had been a fire the night before: a stable just around the corner had burned and a number of horses had put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted to a rich nut-brown. Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark’s mule loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt. Presently another man entered the saloon.

  “For mercy’s sake!” he said, taking it with sugar, “do remove that mule, barkeeper: it smells.”

  “Yes,” interposed Clark, “that animal has the best nose in Missouri. But if he doesn’t mind, you shouldn’t.”

  In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. The boys did not have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at the body and, with the non-committal expression to which he owes so much of his political preferment, went away. But walking home late that night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommon emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook it, and passed the night in town.

  General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a pet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but imperfectly beautiful. Returning to his apartment one evening, the General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing his master’s best uniform coat, epaulettes and all.

  “You confounded remote ancestor!” thundered the great strategist, “what do you mean by being out of bed after naps? — and with my coat on!”

  Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the manner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably entertained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful progenitor and retired. The next day he met General Barry, who said:

  “Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you about those excellent cigars. Where did you get them?”

  General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away.

  “Pardon me, please,” said Barry, moving after him; “I was joking of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room fifteen minutes.”

  SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one’s fellows. In literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines by the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious reason, “John A. Joyce.”

  The bard who would prosper must carry a book,

  Do his thinking in prose and wear

  A crimson cravat, a far-away look

  And a head of hexameter hair.

  Be thin in your thought and your body’ll be fat;

  If you wear your hair long you needn’t your hat.

  SUFFRAGE, n. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man’s choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has the bad name of “incivism.” The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he profits by the crime, for A’s abstention from voting gives greater weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female responsibility, which is somewhat limited. The woman most eager to jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump back into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them.

  SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor.

  As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased

  To fix itself upon a part diseased

  Till, its black hide distended with bad blood,

  It drops to die of surfeit in the mud,<
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  So the base sycophant with joy descries

  His neighbor’s weak spot and his mouth applies,

  Gorges and prospers like the leech, although,

  Unlike that reptile, he will not let go.

  Gelasma, if it paid you to devote

  Your talent to the service of a goat,

  Showing by forceful logic that its beard

  Is more than Aaron’s fit to be revered;

  If to the task of honoring its smell

  Profit had prompted you, and love as well,

  The world would benefit at last by you

  And wealthy malefactors weep anew —

  Your favor for a moment’s space denied

  And to the nobler object turned aside.

  Is’t not enough that thrifty millionaires

  Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares,

  Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly

  To safer villainies of darker dye,

  Forswearing robbery and fain, instead,

  To steal (they call it “cornering”) our bread

  May see you groveling their boots to lick

  And begging for the favor of a kick?

  Still must you follow to the bitter end

  Your sycophantic disposition’s trend,

  And in your eagerness to please the rich

  Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch?

  In Morgan’s praise you smite the sounding wire,

  And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher!

  What’s Satan done that him you should eschew?

  He too is reeking rich — deducting you.

  SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.)

  SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they had progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of the chicks having ever been seen.

  SYMBOL, n. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for something else. Many symbols are mere “survivals” — things which having no longer any utility continue to exist because we have inherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on memorial monuments. They were once real urns holding the ashes of the dead. We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that conceals our helplessness.

  SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation of symbols.

  They say ‘tis conscience feels compunction;

  I hold that that’s the stomach’s function,

  For of the sinner I have noted

  That when he’s sinned he’s somewhat bloated,

  Or ill some other ghastly fashion

  Within that bowel of compassion.

  True, I believe the only sinner

  Is he that eats a shabby dinner.

  You know how Adam with good reason,

  For eating apples out of season,

  Was “cursed.” But that is all symbolic:

  The truth is, Adam had the colic.

  –G.J.

  T

  T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks absurdly called tau. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone (which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified Tallegal, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, “tanglefoot.”

  TABLE D’HOTE, n. A caterer’s thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility.

  Old Paunchinello, freshly wed,

  Took Madam P. to table,

  And there deliriously fed

  As fast as he was able.

  “I dote upon good grub,” he cried,

  Intent upon its throatage.

  “Ah, yes,” said the neglected bride,

  “You’re in your table d’hotage.”

  –Associated Poets

  TAIL, n. The part of an animal’s spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of its own. Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, a privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail should be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense is strong and persistent. The tailed men described by Lord Monboddo are now generally regarded as a product of an imagination unusually susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan past.

  TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.

  TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.

  TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

  The Enemy of Human Souls

  Sat grieving at the cost of coals;

  For Hell had been annexed of late,

  And was a sovereign Southern State.

  “It were no more than right,” said he,

  “That I should get my fuel free.

  The duty, neither just nor wise,

  Compels me to economize —

  Whereby my broilers, every one,

  Are execrably underdone.

  What would they have? — although I yearn

  To do them nicely to a turn,

  I can’t afford an honest heat.

  This tariff makes even devils cheat!

  I’m ruined, and my humble trade

  All rascals may at will invade:

  Beneath my nose the public press

  Outdoes me in sulphureousness;

  The bar ingeniously applies

  To my undoing my own lies;

  My medicines the doctors use

  (Albeit vainly) to refuse

  To me my fair and rightful prey

  And keep their own in shape to pay;

  The preachers by example teach

  What, scorning to perform, I teach;

  And statesmen, aping me, all make

  More promises than they can break.

  Against such competition I

  Lift up a disregarded cry.

  Since all ignore my just complaint,

  By Hokey–Pokey! I’ll turn saint!”

  Now, the Republicans, who all

  Are saints, began at once to bawl

  Against his competition; so

  There was a devil of a go!

  They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete

  In acrimonious debate,

  Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,

  Had hopes of coming by their own.

  That evil to avert, in haste

  The two belligerents embraced;

  But since ‘twere wicked to relax

  A tittle of the Sacred Tax,

  ‘Twas finally agreed to grant

  The bold Insurgent-protestant

  A bounty on each soul that fell

  Into his ineffectual Hell.

  –Edam Smith

  TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words were: “Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder.” The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.

  TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious sourc
e — the first words of the ancient Latin hymn Te Deum Laudamus. In this apparently natural derivation there is something that saddens.

  TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.

  TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

  TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.

  TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to his accounting:

  Of such tenacity his grip

  That nothing from his hand can slip.

  Well-buttered eels you may o’erwhelm

  In tubs of liquid slippery-elm

  In vain — from his detaining pinch

  They cannot struggle half an inch!

  ‘Tis lucky that he so is planned

  That breath he draws not with his hand,

  For if he did, so great his greed

  He’d draw his last with eager speed.

  Nay, that were well, you say. Not so

  He’d draw but never let it go!

  THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with the Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good — that is perfection; and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had no cat.