Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies, 2nd Edtion

by Smith, Laura L.

  Confidence killers: Unexpected criticisms and rejections can certainly trigger anxiety. Tricia is on top of the world. She has a good job and feels ecstatic about her upcoming wedding. However, she is stunned when her fiancé backs out of the proposal. Now, she worries incessantly that something is wrong with her; perhaps she'll never have the life she envisioned for herself.

  Terrorizing trauma: No one ever wants to experience a horrifying or even life-threatening experience. Unfortunately, these bitter pills do happen. Horrific accidents, acts of terrorism, pandemics, natural disasters, battlefield injuries, and violence have occurred for centuries, and we suspect they always will. When they do, severe problems with anxiety often emerge. Thus, survivors of tsunamis often have residual anxiety or PTSD (see Chapters 2 and 8) for years because of the totally unexpected nature of the event.

  Finding Self-Acceptance

  Time and again, we see our worried, tense clients suffer from another needless source of pain. Their anxiety is bad enough, but they also pound on themselves because they have anxiety. Such self-abuse involves harsh, critical judgments. If you do this to yourself, we suggest that you try the following approach to self-acceptance.

  Start by making a list of all the likely causes of your problems with anxiety. First, list any possible genetic contributions that you can think of in your relatives who may suffer from anxiety. Then review how your parents may have either modeled anxiety or instilled it in you because of their harsh or unpredictable parenting style. Then review events in your world from the distant to recent past that were highly anxiety-arousing. Finally, after you list the likely culprits that led to your distress, ask yourself some questions like the ones that follow:

  Did I ask for my anxiety?

  Was there ever a time in my life that I actually wanted to feel anxious?

  Am I primarily to blame for my worries?

  What percentage of the blame can I realistically assign to myself as opposed to genes, parenting, and events, both old and new?

  If a couple of friends of mine had troubles with anxiety, what would I say to them?

  • Would I think they were to blame?

  • Would I think as ill of them as I do myself?

  Does thinking badly about myself help me to get over my anxiety?

  If I decided to stop pummeling myself, would I have more energy for tackling my problems?

  These questions can help you move toward self-acceptance and discover that having anxiety has nothing to do with your worth or value as a human being. Then you just might lighten up on yourself a little. We recommend it highly. Mind you, people get down on themselves at times. But chronic, unrelenting self-abuse is another matter. If you find yourself completely unable to let go of self-abuse, you may want to seek professional help (see the related section at the end of this chapter). You can read more about self-acceptance in Chapter 13.

  Gary's story illustrates how reviewing the causes of your anxiety, followed by asking yourself those important questions, can help you acquire self-acceptance.

  Anxiety among the rich and famous

  So many of our clients seem to think that they're the only people in the world who struggle with anxiety. But we let them know that many millions of Americans suffer from anxiety. Perhaps you won't feel quite so alone if you consider some of the famous people throughout history who've suffered from one or more of the various anxiety disorders discussed in this book.

  Reportedly, Albert Einstein and Eleanor Roosevelt both suffered from fears of social situations. Further, Charles Darwin eventually became a virtual hermit because of his disabling agoraphobia (see Chapter 2). Robert Frost also battled anxiety.

  Billionaire Howard Hughes had many emotional problems — among them, apparently, a severe case of obsessive-compulsive disorder (see Chapter 2). Hughes insisted on having three copies of a magazine delivered to him. When delivered, Hughes removed the middle magazine with his hands covered in tissue paper. Then he would instruct an assistant to burn the other two magazines. In addition, Hughes had other bizarre compulsions involving preparation of his food, the handling of objects, and toileting.

  Finally, a search on the Internet shows you that hundreds of celebrities reputedly suffer from all kinds of severe problems with anxiety. Use a search engine and type in "famous people and anxiety." You'll be surprised by what you find.

  Gary has developed panic disorder. His attacks of feeling nauseous, dizzy, and thinking he's going crazy have increased recently. He feels shame that someone like him has this problem. When he starts having panic attacks at work, he seeks help. He tells his psychologist that a real man would never have this kind of problem. His psychologist helps Gary to be more self-forgiving. He asks Gary to write down the causes of his anxiety. He tells him to thoroughly review his life and come up with as many contributors to his anxiety as he can. Table 4-1 shows what Gary comes up with.

  By reviewing the causes of his anxiety and asking himself the questions listed earlier in this section, Gary moves from self-abuse to self-acceptance. Now he's ready to work on overcoming his anxiety.

  Having Second Thoughts about Change

  Clearly, no one likes feeling anxious, tense, and nervous, and sometimes anxiety climbs to such heights that it overwhelms personal resources and the capacity to cope. Chronic, severe anxiety not infrequently serves as a prelude to serious depression. Obviously, anyone experiencing this torment would jump at the chance to do something about it.

  With good intentions, people buy self-help books, attend workshops, and even seek therapy. They fully intend to make meaningful changes in their lives. But have you ever gone to a health club in January? It's packed with new, enthusiastic members. By mid-March, health clubs return to normal. Like so many New Year's resolutions, the initial burst of resolve too often fades. What happens to all that determination? Folks generally think they've simply lost their willpower. Actually, interfering thoughts creep into their minds and steal their motivation. They start to think that they don't have the time or the money or that they can get in shape later. Such thoughts seduce them into abandoning their goals.

  Thoughts about abandoning your quest to overcome anxiety may disrupt your efforts at some point. If so, the first step involves identifying the thoughts that are streaming through your mind. The next step is to fight off these counterproductive thoughts; we give you strategies for doing just that in the following section. But first, in the style of late-night talk-show host David Letterman, here are our top ten excuses for staying stuck:

  Number 10: Anxiety isn't really that big a problem for me. I thought it was when I bought this book, but my anxiety isn't as bad as some of the people I've been reading about. Maybe it's not that big a deal.

  Number 9: If I try and fail, I'll make a fool of myself. My friends and family would think I was stupid to even try.

  Number 8: My anxiety feels too overwhelming to tackle. I just don't know if I could handle the additional stress of even thinking about it.

  Number 7: I'm afraid of trying and not getting anywhere. That would make me feel even worse than if I did nothing at all. I'd feel like a failure.

  Number 6: Feelings can't really be controlled. You're just fooling yourself if you think otherwise. You feel the way you feel.

  Number 5: I'll do something about my anxiety when I feel the motivation. Right now, I don't really feel like it. I'm sure the motivation will come; I just have to wait for it.

  Number 4: Who would I be without my anxiety? That's just who I am. I'm an anxious person; it's just me.

  Number 3: I don't believe I can really change. After all, I've been this way my entire life. Books like this one don't work anyway.

  Number 2: I'm too busy to do anything about my anxiety. These activities look like they take time. I could never work it into my hectic schedule.

  And the number 1 reason people stay stuck: I'm too anxious to do anything about my anxiety. Whenever I think about confronting my anxiety, it makes me feel worse.


  Look over our preceding list several times. Mull over each excuse, and circle any that seem familiar or reasonable to you. Agreeing with any of these will hinder your progress. Now, we have some ways for you to challenge these excuses, no matter how reasonable they may seem.

  Deciding to Get the Show on the Road

  If any of our top ten excuses for staying stuck (see the preceding section) resonate with you, then your decision to overcome anxiety is not stable. Those thoughts can sabotage your best intentions. Don't underestimate their power.

  The next two sections show you a couple of strategies for helping you turn your intentions into actions.

  If you start losing your motivation or your belief in your ability to do something about your anxiety, come back to this section! It can help you get back on track.

  Arguing with your arguments

  Consider starting a notebook for carrying out various exercises in this book. Whether you use a notebook, computer file, or paper file, divide a page into two columns. Label the left column "Excuses" and the right Column "Arguments Against My Excuses." Under "Excuses" write each of the top ten excuses (see the earlier section "Having Second Thoughts about Change") that apply to you. Then, as a way to come up with arguments against your excuses, ask yourself the following questions:

  Does my excuse presume a catastrophe is coming?

  Am I exaggerating the truth?

  Can I find any evidence that would contradict my excuse?

  Can I think of people to whom my excuse doesn't apply? And if it doesn't apply to them, why should it apply to me?

  Am I trying to predict the future with negative thinking when no one can ever know the future?

  Using those questions to guide your effort, jot down the best arguments you can for picking your excuses apart. The following example of Miguel shows how he attacked one of his most stubborn excuses for not changing.

  Miguel suffers from anxiety and has resisted dealing with his problem for years. He lists his major excuses for not doing anything and uses the preceding questions to develop arguments against them. He develops arguments for each of his excuses. Table 4-2 shows what he came up with for what he considered his most compelling excuse.

  Miguel discovered that arguing against his excuses finally gave him the courage to start making changes. You can do the same.

  Taking baby steps

  If you find that the idea of dealing with your anxiety is just too much to handle, you may be struggling with excuse number 8 for staying stuck (see the earlier section "Having Second Thoughts about Change"): "My anxiety feels too overwhelming to tackle. I just don't know if I could handle the additional stress of even thinking about it." In this case, it may help if you start by putting one foot in front of the other — take baby steps.

  Stop dwelling on the entire task. For example, if you thought about all the steps that you'll take over the next five years, you'd be envisioning an incredible amount of walking. Hundreds, if not thousands, of miles await you. The mere thought of all those miles could stress you out.

  You may, like many folks, wake up early in the morning on some days facing huge lists of things you need to do in the coming week. Ugh. A sense of defeat sets in, and you feel like staying in bed for the rest of the day. Dread replaces enthusiasm. If, instead, you clear your mind of the entire agenda and concentrate on only the first item on the list, your distress is likely to diminish, at least a little.

  In order to take baby steps, it's a good idea to write down your overall, endpoint goal. For example, perhaps you eventually hope to be able to give an hour-long speech in front of a crowd without being overcome with fear, or maybe you want to be able to master your fear of heights by taking a tramway to the top of a mountain.

  Sit down and chart out your ultimate goal, and then chart a goal that isn't quite so lofty to serve as a stepping stone — an intermediate goal. Then chart out the action that would be required of you to meet that goal. If your intermediate goal feels doable, you can start with it. If not, break it down further into smaller goals, even baby steps. It doesn't matter how small you make your first step. Anything that moves you just a little in the right direction can get you going and increase your confidence with one step at a time. Here's how Paula put this plan into action.

  Persevering through the peaks and valleys

  A group of psychologists has conducted extensive research on how people make important changes, such as quitting smoking, losing weight, and overcoming emotional difficulties. They found that change isn't a straightforward process. It includes a number of stages.

  Precontemplation: In this stage, people haven't even given a thought to doing anything about their problem. They may deny having any difficulty at all.

  Contemplation: People start thinking about tackling their problem. But in this stage, it feels a little out of their reach to do anything about it.

  Preparation: In preparation, people develop a plan for change. They gather their resources and make resolutions.

  Action: The real work begins, and the plan goes into action.

  Maintenance: Now is the time to hold one's ground. People must hang tough to prevent sliding back. During this phase, one wants to develop a plan for dealing with both expected and unexpected problematic events.

  Termination: The change has become habit, so much so that relapse is less likely and further work isn't particularly necessary.

  These stages look like a straight line from precontemplation to termination, but what these psychologists found is that people bounce around the stages in various ways. They may go from contemplation to action without having made adequate preparation. Others may reach the maintenance stage and give up on their efforts, slipping back to the precontemplation stage.

  Many successful changers bounce back and forth in these stages a number of times before finally achieving their goals. So don't get discouraged if that happens to you. Keep your goal in mind, and restart your efforts if you slip. Yep. Try, try, and try again.

  Paula has a social phobia. She can't stand the idea of attending social functions. She feels that the moment that she walks into a group, all eyes focus on her, which sends her anxiety through the roof. She desperately wants to change. But the idea of attending large parties or company functions overwhelms her with terror. Look at Table 4-3 to see how Paula broke the task down into baby steps.

  Paula found that starting with a brief phone call to a friend helped get her moving. From there, she moved to the next step and continued on. Some people find that breaking tasks down into many smaller steps helps, especially for formidable goals. See Chapter 8 for more information about taking action against anxiety in graded steps.

  Watching Worries Come and Go

  Sometimes anxiety feels like it will never go away. Believing that you have no control over it and that stress invades your every waking moment is easy. This section helps you to realize that anxiety actually has an ebb and flow. We show you how taking a few minutes to write down your feelings each day may discharge a little of your anxiety and possibly improve your health. We also help you understand that progress, like anxiety, ebbs and flows.

  Following your fears

  One of the best early steps that you can take to conquer anxiety is to simply follow it every day in a couple of different ways. Why would you want to do that? After all, you already know full well that you're anxious. Watching your worries is a good idea because it starts the process of change. You discover important patterns, triggers, and insights into your anxiety.

  Observing anxiety fulfills several useful functions. First, monitoring forces you to be aware of your emotions. Avoiding and running away from troubling emotions only causes them to escalate. Second, you'll see that your anxiety goes up and down throughout the day — which isn't quite as upsetting as thinking it rules every moment of your life. And you're likely to discover that recording your ratings can help you to take charge and feel more in control of what's going on inside of you. Finally, keeping track help
s you see how you're progressing in your efforts to quell your distress.

  Track your anxiety in a notebook for a few weeks. Notice patterns or differences in intensity. Carry your anxiety-tracking notebook with you, and try to fill it out at the same time each day. On a scale of one to ten, ten being total panic and one being complete calm, rate the level of anxiety you experience around the same time in the morning, then again in the afternoon, and later in the evening. Virginia's story shows you how tracking anxiety can be helpful.