These evidence-gathering questions can help you discover evidence against your anxious or worrisome thoughts, because an anxious mind already knows the evidence that supports anxious thoughts.
To see how this works, take a look at Andrew's notes in Table 5-2. Andrew was afraid that someone would hurt him and jumped to conclusions without evidence to support those conclusions. First, Andrew filled out the evidence supporting his anxious thought, which he found easy to do. Then he used the evidence-gathering questions in this section to list the evidence against his anxious thoughts in the second column of the table.
After completing the task, Andrew makes a new judgment about his anxious thought. He realizes that the evidence supporting his anxious thought doesn't hold up to scrutiny. He understands that his fears exceed the actual risks involved. He decides to take a self-defense class but to let go of his constant high state of alert (what shrinks call hypervigilance).
Consider filling out your own chart so that you can weigh the evidence carefully. Use the same column headings and format shown in Table 5-2. Be creative and come up with as much evidence for and against your anxious thoughts as you can.
Don't forget to use the evidence-gathering questions listed earlier in this section if you need help generating ideas.
Make a decision as to whether you truly think your anxious thoughts hold water. If they don't, you just may start taking them less seriously, and your anxiety could drop a notch or two.
Although charting your anxious thoughts and weighing the evidence just once may prove to be helpful, practice magnifies the effect. Mastering any new skill always requires practice. The longer you stay at it and the more times you chart your anxious thoughts versus the real evidence, the more benefit you'll gain. Many of our clients find that charting these out regularly for three or four months alleviates a considerable amount of their negative feelings.
Rethinking risk
Another important way to challenge your anxious thoughts is to look at how you assess the likelihood that an event may occur. When you feel anxious, like many people, you may overestimate the odds of unwanted events actually occurring. It's easy to do. For example, when was the last time you heard a news bulletin reporting that no one got bitten by a snake that day, or that half a million airplanes took off and landed and not a single one crashed? No wonder people overestimate disaster. Because disasters grab our attention, we focus on dramatic events rather than routine ones. That's why it's useful to think about the real, objective odds of your predicted catastrophe.
Thoughts are just thoughts. Subject them to a reality test.
When you find yourself making negative predictions about the future — such as the horrible time you'll have at a party, your odds of failing a test, or the likelihood that you'll end up in financial ruin — ask yourself the following reassessment of risk questions:
How many times have I predicted this outcome, and how many times has it actually happened to me?
How often does this happen to people I know?
If someone I know made this prediction, would I agree?
Am I assuming this will happen just because I fear that it will, or is there a reasonable chance that it will really happen?
Would people pay me to predict the future?
Do I have any experiences from my past that would suggest my dire prediction is unlikely to occur?
In addition to asking these questions, whenever possible, look up the statistical evidence as it relates to your fears. Of course, you can't always find statistics that help you. Nevertheless, the answers to the preceding questions will help you reassess your true risk and stop habitually making catastrophic predictions about the future.
What are the odds?
On any given day, the odds of being struck by lightning are about 1 in 250 million, and the lifetime odds of being killed by a few other means are as follows:
By a dog: About 1 in 700,000
By a poisonous snake, lizard, or spider: About 1 in 700,000
In air or space transport: About 1 in 5,000
By a firearm: About 1 in 202
In an auto accident: About 1 in 81
Notice how the actual odds don't match very well with what people fear most. Many more people fear thunderstorms, snakes, spiders, and flying in airplanes than driving a car or being killed by a firearm. It doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? Finally, we should note that your individual odds may vary. If you regularly stand outside during thunderstorms, holding your golf clubs in the air, your chances of being struck by lightning are a little higher than average.
The following story shows how Dennis overestimates the probability of a horrible outcome.
Dennis rudely grabs the pan from his wife, Linda. He snaps at her, "I'll finish browning the meat. Go ahead and set the table." His abrupt demeanor stings Linda's feelings, but she knows how anxious he gets when company comes over for dinner. Dennis tightly grips the pan over the stove, watching the color of the meat carefully. He feels irritable and anxious, "knowing" that the dinner will turn out badly. He frets that the meat is too tough and that the vegetables look soggy from overcooking. The stress is contagious, and by the time the company arrives, Linda shares his worries.
What outcome does Dennis predict? Almost every time that he and Linda entertain, Dennis believes that the food they prepare will be terrible, their guests will be horrified, and he'll be humiliated. The odds of this outcome can't be looked up in a table or a book. So how can Dennis assess the odds realistically? Naturally, he answers the reassessment of risk questions and starts to change his anxious thoughts.
In doing so, Dennis comes to realize that he and his wife have never actually ruined a dinner, although he has predicted it numerous times before. Furthermore, he tested his second prediction that his guests would feel horrified if the dinner did turn out badly. He recalled that one time he and Linda attended a barbeque where the meat was burned to the extent that it was inedible. Everyone expressed genuine sympathy and shared stories about their own cooking disasters. They ended up ordering pizza and considered it one of the more enjoyable evenings they'd spent in a long time. The hosts, far from humiliated, basked in the glow of goodwill.
Deconstructing worrisome scenarios
Even faced with the evidence of the unlikelihood of the events you fear happening, you may be thinking that bad things still do, in fact, happen. Lightning strikes. Bosses hand out bad evaluations. Airplanes crash. Some days are just "bad hair days." Ships sink. People stumble and get laughed at. Some lose their jobs. Lovers break up.
The world gives us plenty of reasons to worry. Recalculating the true odds often helps. But you may still be stuck with the what-if worry — what if your concern truly happens? First we show you how to cope with smaller, everyday worries, and then we address worst-case scenarios.
Small-potatoes scenarios
What do people worry about? Most of the time they worry about inconsequential, small-potatoes scenarios. In other words, outcomes that, while unpleasant, hardly qualify as life threatening. Nevertheless, these small scenarios manage to generate remarkable amounts of stress, apprehension, and worry.
Listen to what's worrying Gerald, Sammy, and Carol. Their stories illustrate common concerns that lead people to feel highly anxious.
Gerald worries about many things. Mostly, he worries about committing a social blunder. Before parties, he obsesses over what to wear. Will he look too dressed up or too casual? Will he know what to say? What if he says something stupid and people laugh? As you can imagine, Gerald feels miserable at social events. When he walks into a crowd, he feels as though a spotlight has turned his way and everyone in the room is staring at him. He imagines that people not only focus on him but that they also judge him negatively.
Sammy worries as much as Gerald; he just has a different set of worries. Sammy obsesses over the idea that he'll lose control and have to run away from wherever he is. If he's sitting in a classroom, he wonders whether he'll get so anxious
that he'll have to leave, and of course, he assumes everyone will know why he left and think something is terribly wrong with him. If he's at a crowded shopping mall, he's afraid he'll "lose it" and start screaming and running out of control.
Carol is a journalist. She feels anxiety almost every day. She feels pressure in her chest when each deadline approaches and dreads the day when she fails to get her story in on time. Making matters worse, she sometimes has writer's block and can't think of the next word to type for 15 or 20 minutes; all the while, the clock advances and the deadline nears. She's seen colleagues lose their jobs when they consistently failed to reach their deadlines, and she fears meeting the same fate one day. It's hard for Carol to stop thinking about her deadlines.
What do Gerald, Sammy, and Carol have in common? First, they all have considerable anxiety, stress, and tension. They worry almost every single day of their lives. They can't imagine the horror of dealing with the possibility of their fears coming true. But, more importantly, they worry about events that happen all the time and that people manage to cope with when they do.
Gerald, Sammy, and Carol all underestimate their own ability to cope. What if Gerald spills something at a party and people around him notice? Would Gerald fall to the floor unable to move? Would people point and laugh at him? Not likely. He'd probably blush, feel embarrassed, and clean up the mess. The party and Gerald's life would go on. Even if a few rude people laughed at Gerald, most would forget the incident and certainly wouldn't view Gerald any differently.
Sammy panics over the possibility that his feelings may overwhelm him. He worries that he'll have to run from wherever he is and look foolish in doing so. The fact that this has never happened to him doesn't stop Sammy's worrying.
Carol, on the other hand, has a bigger worry. Her worst-case scenario involves losing her job. That sounds serious. What would she do if she lost her job?
Whether you experience small- or medium-sized worries (small- or medium-potato scenarios), you can use the following coping questions to discover your true ability to cope. The answers to these questions help you deal with your own worst fears.
1. Have I ever dealt with anything like this in the past?
2. How much will this affect my life a year from now?
3. Do I know people who've coped with something like this, and how did they do it?
4. Do I know anyone I could turn to for help or support?
5. Can I think of a creative new possibility that could result from this challenge?
Carol, who worried about losing her job, turns to these questions to help her come to terms with her fears. Carol writes these answers to the coping questions:
1. Have I ever dealt with anything like this in the past?
No, I've never lost a job before. This first question doesn't help me discover any better ways of coping, but it does help me see the possibility that I've been overestimating the risks of losing my job.
2. How much will this affect my life a year from now?
If I did lose my job, I'd probably have some financial problems for a while, but I'm sure I could find another job.
3. Do I know people who've coped with something like this, and how did they do it?
Well, my friend Janet lost her job a few months ago. Janet got unemployment checks and asked her parents for a little assistance. Now she has a new job that she really likes.
4. Do I know anyone I could turn to for help or support?
I'd hate to do it, but my brother would always help me out if I really needed it.
5. Can I think of a creative new possibility that could result from this challenge?
When I think about it, I really sort of hate these daily deadlines at the newspaper. I do have a teaching certificate. What with the shortage of teachers right now, I could always teach high school English and have summers off. Best of all, I could use those summers to write the novel I've always dreamed about writing. Maybe I'll quit my job now and do that!
It's amazing how often asking yourself these questions can eliminate the catastrophic consequences you associate with your imagined worry scenarios. Answering these questions can help you see that you can deal with the vast majority of your worries — at least the small- to medium-sized potatoes. But how about the worst-case scenarios (the really, really big potatoes)? Could you cope with real disasters?
Worst-case scenarios
Some peoples' fears involve issues that go way beyond social embarrassment or temporary financial loss. Severe illness, death, terror, natural disasters, disfigurement, major disabilities, and loss of a loved one are worst-case scenarios. How would you possibly cope with one of these? We're not going to tell you it would be easy, because it wouldn't be.
Marilyn's mother and grandmother both died of breast cancer. She knows her odds of getting breast cancer are higher than most. Almost every day of her adult life, she worries about her health. She insists on monthly checkups, and every stomach upset, bout of fatigue, or headache becomes an imagined tumor.
Her stress concerns both her family and her physician. First, her doctor helps her see that she is overestimating her risk. Unlike her mother and grandmother, Marilyn goes for yearly mammograms, and she performs regular self-exams. Not only that, she exercises regularly and eats a much healthier diet than her mother or grandmother did.
Marilyn realistically has a chance of getting breast cancer. How would she possibly cope with this worst-case scenario? You may be surprised to discover that the same questions used to deal with the small-potatoes scenarios can help you deal with the worst-case scenarios. Take a look at how Marilyn answered our five coping questions:
1. Have I ever dealt with anything like this in the past?
Unfortunately, yes. I helped my mother when she was going for chemotherapy. It was horrible, but I do remember laughing with her when her hair fell out. I understand chemotherapy isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. I never felt closer to my mother than during that time. We talked out many important issues.
2. How much will this affect my life a year from now?
Well, if I do get breast cancer, it will have a dramatic affect on my life a year from now. I may still be in treatment or recovering from surgery.
These first two questions focus Marilyn on the possibility of getting cancer. Even though she obsesses and worries about cancer, the intensity of the anxiety has prevented her from ever contemplating how she would deal with cancer if it actually occurred. Although she certainly hates the thought of chemotherapy or surgery, after she imagines the possibility, she realizes she could probably cope with them.
The more you avoid a fear, the more terrifying it becomes.
3. Do I know people who've coped with something like this, and how did they do it?
Of course, my mother died of breast cancer. But during the last three years of her life, she enjoyed each moment. She got closer to all her kids and made many new friends. It's funny, but now that I think about it, I think she was happier during that time than any other time I can remember.
4. Do I know anyone I could turn to for help or support?
I know of a cancer support group in town. And my husband and sister would do anything for me.
5. Can I think of a creative new possibility that could result from this challenge?
I never thought of cancer as a challenge; it was a curse. But I guess I realize now that I can choose to be anxious and worried about it or just take care of myself and live life fully. If I do get cancer, I can hopefully help others like my mother did, and I'll use the time I have in a positive way. Besides, there's a good chance that I could beat cancer, and with medical advances, those chances improve all the time. Meanwhile, I'm going to make sure that I don't wait until my final days to get close to my family.
When you have anxiety about something dreadful happening, it's important to stop avoiding the end of the story. Go there. The more you avoid contemplating the worst, the bigger the fear gets. In our work, we repeatedly find that our clie
nts come up with coping strategies for the worst-case scenario, even the big stuff. Consider George's case.
George fears flying. He recalculates the risks of flying and realizes they're low. He says, "I know it's relatively safe and that helps a little, but it still scares me." Recently, George got a promotion. Unfortunately for George, the new position requires considerable travel. George's worst nightmare is that the plane will crash. George asks himself our coping questions and answers them as follows:
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