Anxiety: How much is too much?
A little bit of anxiety seems to improve performance and reduce mistakes. Some anxiety channels attention and effort to the task at hand. Without anxiety, people don't take tasks seriously or prepare sufficiently. However, when perfectionism reaches extreme levels, so does anxiety, and performance drops off. Excessive anxiety interferes with the ability to recall previously learned information, and mistakes multiply. That's why people with perfection schemas often have severe test anxiety. They know the material, but their anxiety causes them to forget what they have previously learned. Their fear of imperfection causes what they fear.
Tabulating approval
Approval addicts constantly crave admiration and acceptance from others. They worry about rejection and criticism. They constantly scan people's faces for any sign of disapproval. People with this anxious schema often misinterpret the intentions of others. However, they're reluctant to give up their anxious approval schema. That's because they fear that letting go of their worry habit will result in abandonment or rejection.
Anne, a graduate student in social work, has to meet each week with her advisor for supervision of her casework. She dreads those supervision sessions, always fearing her advisor's criticism. Anne does plenty for her clients; she does anything that she thinks they may need help with — spending hours of her own time, even running errands for them if they ask. Her supervisor tries to tell her to pull back from giving excessive help to her clients; he says that her bending over backwards to assist clients doesn't help her or her clients. She cries after hearing her supervisor's comments.
However, Anne's worst fears surround the required presentations in front of graduate school classmates. Before giving talks to her classmates, she spends an abundance of time in the bathroom feeling ill. During lively discussions in her class, Anne remains quiet and almost never takes sides. Anne is addicted to approval.
Anne walks quietly through life. People rarely criticize her. She avoids embarrassment by not taking risks. She is kind-hearted and people like her. What's wrong with that?
Well, a cost/benefit analysis of Anne's approval schema reveals that people walk all over her. It also shows that fellow students fail to appreciate how bright she is, because she rarely speaks up in class. Anne neglects her own needs and at times feels resentful when she does so much for others and they do so little to return the favor. Anne's approval addiction doesn't give her what she expects. Sure, she rarely receives criticism, but because she takes so few risks, she never gets the approval and praise that she really wants.
Reviewing vulnerability
The anxious schema of vulnerability plagues people with worries about their safety, livelihood, and security. They traverse through their worlds in a state of constant, high alert. People with this schema often receive a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (see Chapter 2). The following example illustrates someone with the vulnerability schema.
Peter, a college graduate with a business degree, receives a promotion that requires him to move to California, but he turns it down because he fears big cities and earthquakes. Peter watches the weather channel and listens to the news before he ventures any distance from home and avoids driving if the radio reports any chance of inclement weather. Peter's worry restricts his life. He also worries about his health and often visits his doctor, complaining of vague symptoms, such as nausea, headaches, and fatigue. Peter's doctor suggests that his worry may be causing many of his physical problems. He tells Peter to fill out a cost/benefit analysis of his vulnerability schema, which you can see in Table 7-4.
Someone as entrenched as Peter in his vulnerability schema certainly isn't going to give it up just because of his cost/benefit analysis. However, this analysis starts the ball rolling by showing him that his assumption is costing him big-time. The exercise motivates him to start thinking about doing some things differently.
Counting up control
People who have an anxious control schema only feel comfortable when they hold the reins. They fear that others won't do what's necessary to keep the world steady and safe. Giving up control makes them feel helpless. At the same time, many of those with this assumption fear losing control and embarrassing themselves if that were to happen.
Jeff, the head of a division at his engineering company, likes order in his life. His employees know him as a taskmaster who micro-manages. Jeff takes pride in the fact that, although he asks for plenty, he demands more of himself than he does of his employees. He issues orders and expects immediate results. His division leads the company in productivity.
You may think that Jeff has it made. It certainly sounds like his issue with control pays off handsomely. But scratch beneath the surface, and you see a different picture. Although known for productivity, his division is viewed as lacking in creativity and leads all others in requests for transfers. The real cost of Jeff's control assumption comes crashing down upon him when, at 46 years of age, he suffers his first heart attack.
Jeff has spent many years feeling stressed and anxious, but he never looks closely at the issue. Jeff's quest for control nets him the opposite of what he wanted. Ultimately, he loses control of his life and health.
If control is one of your agitating assumptions, do a cost/benefit analysis. Jeff's fate doesn't have to be yours, too.
Debating dependency
People with a dependency schema turn to others whenever the going gets tough. Or for that matter, whenever the going is pretty easy. They don't see themselves as capable. They believe they need others to help them get through almost any difficulty. Unfortunately, people with the anxious dependency schema often lose the people they depend on the most. Why? They burn them out. The next story about Daniel is typical.
Daniel lived with his parents until, at 31 years of age, he married Dorothy. He met Dorothy online and, after just a few dates, decided to marry her. Dorothy seemed independent and secure, qualities that Daniel craved but lacked. At the beginning of their relationship, Dorothy was fond of Daniel's constant attention. Today, he still calls her at work three or four times every day, asking for advice about trivia and sometimes seeking reassurance that she still loves him. If she's five minutes late, he's beside himself. He often worries that she'll leave him. Dorothy's friends tell her that they aren't sure that Daniel could go to the bathroom by himself. Daniel believes that he can't survive without her. After he quits several jobs because "they're too hard," Dorothy threatens divorce. Daniel finally sees a therapist who has him conduct a cost/benefit analysis of his dependency schema, as shown in Table 7-5.
Someone like Daniel is unlikely to give up his defective dependency assumption without more work than this. However, a cost/benefit analysis can provide an initial push. Meaningful change takes time and work.
Challenging your own anxious schemas
You can run your own cost/benefit analysis. See the list of agitating assumptions in the "Sizing Up Anxious Schemas" section, earlier in this chapter. Which ones trouble you? If you haven't already taken the Anxious Schemas Quiz in Table 7-1, do so now and look at your answers. Do you tend towards perfection, seeking approval, vulnerability, control, or dependency or maybe have a combination of these schemas?
First, determine which schema applies to you; if the quiz shows that you suffer from more than one schema, select one. Then, using the format of Table 7-5, fill out all the benefits that you can think of for your anxious schema in the left-hand column. Next, fill in the costs in the right-hand column. Refer to the cost/benefit analyses that Prudence, Peter, and Daniel (see Tables 7-3, 7-4, and 7-5, respectively) filled out earlier in the chapter.
If you get stuck filling out the costs column, ask a trusted friend or partner for help. Seeking input doesn't necessarily mean that you operate on the dependency assumption or that you're overly dependent; sometimes you just need someone else's perspective to see what your anxiety is costing you.
When you've finished your cost/benefit analysis, take anoth
er look at each of the benefits. Ask yourself whether those benefits will truly disappear if you change your agitating assumption. Prudence the perfectionist believes that her income is higher because of her perfectionism, but is that really true? Many people report that they make far more mistakes when they feel under pressure. Perfectionism, if nothing else, certainly causes pressure. So, it's probably not the case that perfectionists earn more money and make fewer mistakes. As often as not, they end up not doing as well as they could because their perfectionism leads them into making more mistakes.
When you look carefully at your perceived benefits, you're likely to find, like Prudence, that the presumed benefits won't evaporate if you change your assumption.
Similarly, Anne thinks she avoids embarrassment by never speaking in class. But she finds herself even more frightened and embarrassed when she's required to present in class than if she took more risks earlier. Avoiding what she fears seems to increase her worries. So Anne receives a double dose of what she so desperately wants to avoid.
Agitating assumptions often get you the opposite of what you want. They cause worry and stress, and rarely give you any true benefits. If you're going to give up your assumptions, you need to replace them with a more balanced perspective.
Designing Calm, Balanced Assumptions
So, do you think you have to be perfect or that everyone has to like you all the time? Do you always need to be in charge? Do you feel that you can't manage life on your own? Or do you sometimes feel that the world is a dangerous place? These are the agitating assumptions that stir up worry, stress, and anxiety.
Another problem with these schemas is that they do contain a kernel of truth. For example, it is nice when people like you, and it is nice to be in charge sometimes. We all need to depend on others sometimes as well. That sliver of truth makes people reluctant to abandon their assumptions.
The solution is to find new, balanced schemas that hold even greater truth, but old assumptions are like habits — they're hard to break. To do so requires finding a new habit to replace the old one. It also takes plenty of practice and self-control, but it isn't that difficult. You just need a little persistence.
In the following sections, we go over each of the assumptions and help you see how to develop an alternative, more reasonable assumption to replace your old one. Try using these reasonable, balanced perspectives to talk back to your agitating assumptions when they occur. Finally, once you develop a new assumption, try acting in ways that are consistent with that new belief.
If you find that your agitating assumptions rule your life and cause you intense anxiety and misery, you may want to consult a professional psychologist or mental-health counselor. But first, start with your primary care doctor to rule out physical causes. Sometimes anxiety does have a physical base, and your primary care doctor can give you a referral after physical causes have been looked into. Should you consult a professional, you'll still find this book useful because most anxiety experts are familiar with the tools that we provide, and they'll help you implement them.
Tempering perfectionist tendencies
Perfectionists believe they have to be the best in everything they do. They feel horrible when they make mistakes, and if they're not outstanding at something, they generally refrain from trying. Fortunately, a good cost/benefit analysis can often help them see that perfectionism exacts a terrible toll.
But if not perfect, then what? Some people think it would mean going to the other extreme. Thus, if they weren't perfect, these folks assume that they would become sloths with no standards at all.
If you're worried about giving up on your perfectionism schema, we have good news for you. The alternative is not the other extreme! You may find it helpful to copy the following statements, or what we call "balanced views" on an index card. Or, you may want to think of your own alternatives. Just be sure they aim for the middle ground. Carry your card around with you as a reminder for those times when you start to get hung up on perfectionism.
I like to do well at things, but it's silly to think that I have to be the best at everything.
I'll never be good at everything, and sometimes it's really fun just to try something new.
Everyone makes mistakes; I need to deal with it when I do.
The deadly secrets of perfectionism
Perfectionism pays off . . . sometimes. A little bit of perfectionism probably can improve the quality of your work, sports, and other endeavors as long as you don't let it get out of hand. How bad is it when perfectionism gets too extreme? Worse than you may think. Perfectionists often become extreme procrastinators just to avoid making mistakes. Not only that, perfectionists more often develop various types of anxiety disorders, depression, physical ailments, and eating disorders. Worst of all, it appears that adolescents who suffer from perfectionism have a higher rate of suicide.
In other words, if you currently hold the assumption that you must be perfect and do everything right or you'll fail totally, try to think in less extreme terms. A more balanced schema is that you like doing things well, but that all humans make mistakes and so do you. You don't want to be above the rest of us humans.
Collect evidence that refutes your perfectionist assumption. For example, think about all the people you admire, yet who make numerous mistakes over time. When they make mistakes, do you suddenly see them as defective? Doubtful. Use the same standard for yourself.
Balancing an approval addict
Approval addicts desperately want to be liked all the time. They sacrifice their own needs in order to please others. Standing up for themselves is hard because to do so would risk offending someone. When criticized, even unfairly, they tend to fall apart.
But isn't it good to want people's approval? As with all anxious schemas, it's a matter of degree. Taken too far, the approval assumption can ruin your life.
But if you quit worrying about getting people's approval, what will happen then? Will you end up isolated, rejected, and alone? Is rudeness and arrogant behavior the alternative to being nice all the time?
If you worry about giving up your approval addiction, we have an alternative. You just may want to carry these ideas in your pocket. Feel free to make up some on your own as well.
What other people think matters, but it's not usually crucial.
Some people won't like me no matter what I do. That's true for everyone.
I need to start paying attention to my needs at least as much as other people's.
In addition, consider collecting evidence that refutes your anxious approval schema. For example, think about people whom you like and admire who manage to speak their minds and look out for their own needs. Why do you like them? It's probably not because they bow and scrape to your every whim. Besides, someone who did that would probably turn you off.
If you feel addicted to approval and assume you must have the approval of others at all times and at virtually any cost, consider a more balanced perspective. Sure, everyone likes to be liked, but realize that no matter what you do, some people won't like you some of the time. Try thinking that your needs matter and that what other people think of you does not define your worth.
Balancing vulnerability
People who hold the vulnerability schema feel unsafe and worry constantly about every conceivable mishap. They might worry about safety, health, natural disasters, or the future; they often feel like victims of life's circumstances. They feel helpless to do much about their lot. The modern world with constant news about pandemics, natural catastrophes, financial ruin, and terror probably increases everyone's sense of vulnerability. It's no wonder that anxiety rates have skyrocketed (see Chapter 1).
People with this assumption fail to understand that worry has never stopped a single catastrophe. Nor does excessive worry help you prepare for the inevitable bad luck and misfortune that occur in everyone's life.
A better, alternative assumption can keep you reasonably safe without all that worry. If you want to give up your v
ulnerable assumption, try carrying these ideas with you and use them like mantras, repeating them to yourself frequently:
I need to take reasonable precautions but stop obsessing over safety. The amount of preparedness that I or anyone else can take action on is limited.
I will go to the doctor for an annual physical, pay attention to nutrition and exercise, and follow my doctor's advice. Beyond that, worrying about my health is pointless.
Some unfortunate mishaps are unforeseen and out of my control. I need to accept that bad things happen; worry is no shield.
Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies, 2nd Edtion Page 15