Playing games of skill, such as puzzles or Scrabble
Making sure that they have the chance to experience success at school and getting immediate help if they start struggling with their studies
Training them to have good manners and social skills
Fine-tuning emotions
One of the most important tasks of childhood consists of learning how to control emotions, tolerate frustration, and delay gratification. Again, young infants need prompt gratification. However, with increasing age, the world tends to look unfavorably upon those who demand instant gratification and rejects those who can't keep a reasonable lid on their emotional outbursts.
You can help your child learn these crucial skills of emotional regulation. Helping children express emotions without letting them run out of control involves a few basic steps:
Validate your children's emotions. When children feel distressed, anxious, or worried, validate their emotions. You do that by saying,
• "I see that you're a little afraid of . . ."
• "You seem worried about . . ."
This validating statement should also try to help your children connect the feeling to what's going on.
Don't deny your children's feelings. To the greatest degree possible, don't deny the feeling or try to take it away. In other words, you don't want to say, "You shouldn't be scared," or, worse, "You're not really afraid."
Don't overprotect. No one likes to see children feel fearful or anxious. However, they need to figure out how to deal with most fears on their own. If you try to solve all their problems or keep them from all worries and danger, you're doing more harm than good.
Help your kids learn to calm down. You can teach them to take a few slow, deep breaths or count to ten slowly. You can also explain that extreme anxiety and fear will lessen eventually.
Praise your children. When they make efforts to overcome anxieties, praise your kids. However, don't punish them for failing to do so.
Don't provide unnecessary reassurance. Making comments such as, "There's nothing to be afraid of" is unnecessary. Kids need to find out how to handle a little stress and anxiety on their own. Don't constantly reassure them or you'll create a surefire path to anxiety.
Inoculating against anxiety
Experiencing certain situations, activities, animals, and objects commonly turns into a phobia. The following list of children's fears shows that children experience fears that are often similar to those that adults experience:
Airplanes
Being alone
Dogs
Heights
Rodents
Snakes
Spiders and insects
Thunder and lightning
If you want to prevent your children from acquiring one of these common phobias, you can inoculate them. You do that by providing safe interactions with the potentially feared event or object — prior to any fear developing. Try the following activities:
Take your kids to a museum or zoo that offers hands-on experiences with snakes and insects.
Climb a mountain together.
Watch a storm from the safety of your living room couch. Discuss how lightning and thunder work.
If you don't have a dog or cat of your own, go to the pound and visit puppies and kittens.
Research has proven that this method works. For example, studies have shown that children bitten by dogs don't develop a phobia as readily if they have had past, positive experiences with dogs. Children who fly at an early age rarely develop a phobia to flying. The more experiences you provide your children with, the better their chances are of growing up without phobias.
If you're somewhat phobic yourself, try not to make faces or get too squeamish when you inoculate your kids against phobias. Don't say, "Oooh, how gross!" Even if you feel nervous, try not to show it.
Taking precautions via parenting style
Parents can set children up to develop an anxiety disorder, or parents can help to prevent anxiety, depending on their parenting style:
Permissive parents engage with their kids and show concern and caring. But permissive parents hate confrontation, and they abhor seeing their kids feel bad. Therefore, they set low expectations for their children, and they don't push them to act mature or try new things.
Authoritarian parents represent the opposite extreme. They demand, direct, and expect instant obedience from their children. They control every detail of their children's lives and tend to be overly structured and hostile.
Authoritative parents take the middle road. These parents set reasonable limits and boundaries. They're flexible and aware of their kids' developmental stage. They try to help their kids understand the reasons behind their expectations for good behavior, although they don't spend a whole lot of time reasoning, or debating, with their kids.
Keep reading for more details about how each of these parenting styles affects a child's anxiety level.
Permissive and authoritarian parenting
Both the permissive and the authoritarian types of parents fuel anxiety in children. The following story is about both types. The mother demonstrates permissive parenting, and the father is an authoritarian.
Four-year-old Nancy screams with terror. Her parents rush into her room to see what's wrong. "There's a bad man in my room; I saw him," she cries.
Nancy's mother hugs her, strokes her hair, and tells her, "Everything will be okay now that Mommy's here."
Her dad turns on the light. He checks her closet and under her bed and snaps, "There's nobody here. Just stay in your bed and go to sleep. Don't be such a baby."
When this scene reenacts itself night after night for six weeks, Nancy's dad becomes increasingly annoyed and speaks harshly to her about what he calls her silly fears. At the same time, her mother overprotects Nancy. Her mom even starts to sleep in her room to make her feel safe. Her fears only intensify. Poor Nancy receives mixed messages from her parents, and neither message helps.
Authoritative parenting
A different kind of parenting can help your kids deal with anxiety better. It's called authoritative (as opposed to authoritarian) parenting. Authoritative parents provide clear expectations for their children. They encourage their kids to face challenges. They validate their children's feelings of anxiety but urge them to deal with them. They aren't harsh or punitive, but they don't overprotect. Using Nancy's story again, the following demonstrates how authoritative parents would deal with Nancy's anxieties.
Four-year-old Nancy screams with terror. Her parents rush into her room to see what's wrong. "There's a bad man in my room; I saw him," she cries.
Nancy's mom gives her a quick hug and says, "You sound afraid, sweetie."
Her dad turns on the light, checks the closet and under the bed, and says, "Nobody's here, honey. But if you'd like, we can leave a night light on."
Nancy says, "Please don't leave me alone. Can't Mommy just stay here with me tonight?"
Nancy's mom tells her, "No, you need to handle this yourself. I know you're worried, but it will be okay." They turn the night light on and tell her, "Here's your bear; he'll keep you company. We'll see you in the morning."
Nancy cries softly for a few minutes and falls back to sleep.
Nancy's parents were lucky that she only cried for a short period of time. They felt a bit guilty for letting her cry but realized that Nancy needs to learn that she can handle a little anxiety on her own. Some kids aren't so easy.
Perhaps your child keeps on crying and won't stop. Well, sometimes that happens. Occasionally, you may need to hang in there for an hour or two. The first night is usually the worst. Don't give up. Eventually, the vast majority of kids start falling asleep sooner. If that doesn't happen after four or five nights in a row, you may need to consult a professional.
Helicopter parenting
The term helicopter parenting has gained popularity in the past decade. Think of a helicopter hovering over you, following you throughout each day as you go about yo
ur business. Specifically, these parents direct their kids' lives, run interference for them whenever they can, and try to shield them from all bad feelings. Thus, a helicopter parent will complain to teachers about grades or assignments, argue with coaches, and confront their children's peers when a conflict occurs.
It's bad enough when helicopter parents hover in this manner during elementary school. But some of these folks never stop. They continue to prevent their teens from experiencing the consequences of their own behavior and misjudgments. Some of these parents even write their kids' college papers for them. In fact, a few colleges have found that parental interest is so intense that parent-teacher associations (PTAs) have sprung up on campus.
Helicopter parents often have high expectations of their kids, unlike permissive parents. However, they're similar to permissive parents in that they can't stand seeing their kids feel frustration or upset. The problem with both types of parents is that they fail to teach their kids how to deal with life's difficulties. Anxiety often results.
Helping Already Anxious Children
If you have a child with anxiety, don't make yourself anxious by blaming yourself for the problem. Multiple factors probably went into making your kid anxious (for more information, read Chapter 3). And you probably weren't able to read this book prior to your child developing anxiety, so you didn't know what you could do to prevent it. So now what do you do? Read on.
Helping yourself first
If you've traveled on a commercial flight, you've probably heard flight attendants instruct you about how to deal with the oxygen masks should they drop down. They tell you to put the mask on yourself prior to assisting your child. That's because if you don't help yourself first, you won't be in any condition to help your child.
The same principle applies to anxiety in your kids. You need to tackle your own anxiety prior to trying to help your children. Children learn many of their emotional responses by observing their parents; it makes sense that anxious parents more often end up with anxious children. The nice part of getting rid of your own anxiety first is that this is likely to help your children, as well as give you the resources for assisting with their worries.
You can do this by reading this book for yourself. Pick and choose the strategies that best fit your problem and personality. However, if the ideas you choose first don't seem to work, don't despair. The vast majority of the time, one or more of the techniques that we describe does help.
If you find that reading this book and trying our recommendations don't reduce your anxiety as much as you'd like, consider consulting a mental-health professional who's trained in cognitive behavioral therapy.
Modeling mellow
If you don't have a problem with anxiety or if you've overcome your excessive worries for the most part, you're ready to teach by example. Children learn a great deal by watching the people they care about. You may recall a time when your child surprised you by repeating words you thought or wished he hadn't heard. Trust us, kids see and hear everything.
Therefore, take advantage of every opportunity to model relatively calm behavior and thinking. Don't invalidate your child's anxiety by saying it's a stupid or silly fear. Furthermore, demonstrating complete calm is not as useful as showing how you handle the concern yourself. Table 20-1 shows some common childhood fears and how you can model an effective response.
Leading children through anxiety
As we discuss in Chapter 8, gradual exposure to whatever causes anxiety is one of the most effective ways of overcoming fear. Whether the anxious person is a child or an adult, the strategy is much the same. Therefore, if you want to help your children who already have anxiety, first model coping as we describe in Table 20-1. Then, consider using exposure, which involves breaking the feared situation or object into small steps. You gradually confront and stay with each step until anxiety reduces by 50 percent or more.
Read Chapter 8 for important, additional details about exposure. However, keep a few things in mind when doing this as a guide for your child:
Break the steps down as small as you possibly can. Don't expect your child to master a fear overnight. It takes time. And children need smaller steps than adults. For example, if you're dealing with a fear of dogs, don't expect your child to immediately walk up to and pet a dog on the first attempt. Instead, start with pictures and storybooks about dogs. Then progress to seeing dogs at a distance, behind an enclosed fence. Gradually work up to direct contact, perhaps at a pet store.
Expect to see some distress. This is the hard part for parents. No one likes to see their kids get upset. But you can't avoid having your kids feel modest distress if you want them to get over their anxiety. Sometimes, this part is more than some parents can handle. In those cases, a close friend or relative may be willing to pitch in and help. At the same time, if your child exhibits extreme anxiety and upset, you need to break the task down further or get professional help.
Praise your child for any successes. Pay attention to any improvement and compliment your child. However, don't pressure your child by saying that this shows what a big boy or girl he or she is.
Show patience. Don't get so worked up that your own emotions spill over and frighten your child further. Again, if that starts to happen, stop for a while, enlist a friend's assistance, or seek a professional's advice.
The following story shows how parents dealt with their son's sudden anxiety about water. Kids frequently become afraid when something unexpected happens.
Penny and Stan plan a Caribbean vacation at a resort right on the beach. The brochure describes a family-friendly atmosphere. They purchase a snorkel and diving mask for their 3-year-old, Benjamin, who enjoys the plane ride and looks forward to snorkeling.
When they arrive, the hotel appears as beautiful as promised. The beach beckons, and the ocean water promises to be clear. Penny, Stan, and Benjamin quickly unpack and make their way down to the beach. They walk into the water slowly, delighted by the warm temperature. Suddenly, a large wave breaks in front of them and knocks Benjamin over. Benjamin opens his mouth in surprise, and saltwater gags him. He cries and runs back to the shore, screaming.
Stan immediately pulls Benjamin back into the water. He continues to scream and kick. Penny and Stan spend the rest of the vacation begging Benjamin to go into the ocean again to no avail. The parents end up taking turns babysitting Benjamin while their vacation dream fades.
At home, Benjamin's fear grows, as untreated fears often do. He fusses in the bath, not wanting any water to splash on his face. He won't even consider getting into a swimming pool.
Benjamin's parents take the lead and guide him through exposure. First, on a hot day, they put a rubber, inflated wading pool in the backyard. They fill it and model getting in. Eventually, Benjamin shows a little interest and joins them in the pool. After he gets more comfortable, the parents do a little playful splashing with each other and encourage Benjamin to splash them. He doesn't notice that his own face gets a little water on it.
Then his parents suggest that Benjamin put just a part of his face into the water. He resists at first, but they encourage him. When he puts his chin into the water, they applaud. Stan puts his face entirely under water and comes up laughing. He says that Benjamin may not be ready to do that. Benjamin proves him wrong. Benjamin and Stan take turns putting their faces into the water and splashing each other. What started out as fear turns into fun.
The parents provide a wide range of gradually increasing challenges over the next several months, including using the mask and snorkel in pools of various sizes. Then they go to a freshwater lake and do the same. Eventually, they take another vacation to the ocean and gradually expose Benjamin to the water there as well.
If Benjamin's parents had allowed him to play on the beach at the edge of the water instead of insisting that he get back in the water immediately, he may have been more cooperative. They could have then gradually encouraged him to walk in the water while watching for waves. That way, the
y may have been able to enjoy their vacation. They made the mistake of turning a fear into a power struggle, which doesn't work very well with children — or, for that matter, with adults.
Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies, 2nd Edtion Page 36