Stepping out of Dr. Murphy’s office gave me an immediate chance to practice what we’d just been talking about. As I reentered the outside world, I was met by three men with large cameras, immediately beginning to take photos. The cameras speedily released clicking sounds amid a few bright flashes. I put my sunglasses on and tried to keep an even smile on my face.
“Is your relationship falling apart, Layla?” said one of the men from behind his camera. The three of them bounced along with me as I walked to my car.
“Is that why you fell at the Grammys?” asked another. “Stress over your relationship?”
“What does your shrink say?” said the third.
“You guys found me, huh?” I said nonchalantly, trying to avoid them as I walked.
“Are you sleeping with a young actress?” one said. They were all the same to me, just blended together. “Will you be getting her a role in the new Providence Pictures movie you’re attached to?”
“C’mon Layla,” said one of the other two. “Give us the scoop.”
“I’m thinking of changing my hair color again,” I told them. “Maybe back to red, maybe purple. I don’t know. What do you think?”
“Red,” said one of them. “I liked it red.”
“Red, huh,” I mused. Once I arrived at my car, I opened the door and deftly slipped inside and started it up. The three paparazzi were standing outside of my car, taking pictures of me through the windows.
After a moment, I rolled my window down and looked at them.
“Hey,” I said, “Put the cameras down for a second.”
To my pleasant surprise, all three of them obeyed. They looked at me with urgency in their eyes, like they were waiting for me to say something juicy, something that they could report that would give them some monster scoop about what Layla Bean was going to do next. It was sad, really. These guys were pathetic. With all the anger in my heart, I wanted to say something cutting, really make them feel like shit. But I knew it wouldn’t solve anything, and it wouldn’t change anything either.
“I’ll give you a scoop,” I said. “Ready?”
“Tell us,” one said.
“I’m doing things my way now,” I said, grinning wide at them. All three looked confused as I rolled my window up, popped the car into reverse, then into drive, and pulled away. They continued snapping pictures, but I was gone.
It was night time and I stood out on the back deck of my parents’ house fingering a smoke, pushing it to my lips for an inhale, releasing a slow exhale. It was meditative for me, smoking, but I knew I had to stop again. It was just more self-sabotage. Maybe, if I ruined my voice, I could get out of this messy life I found myself in. But was that really what I wanted? No, it wasn’t.
As I looked down at my cigarette and considered what it would mean to go through with the difficulty of quitting, yet again, I felt my phone buzz in my back pocket. Yanking the phone from my jeans, I looked at the caller ID. It read “JT.”
I nodded to myself, took another drag, and answered.
“Timbo,” I said into the phone.
“Beaner,” he said. “Well, you’ve sure done a good job at avoiding me.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “It’s been a tough couple of weeks… month… whatever.”
“You coming home soon?” Jack asked. “I know that Daisy is pretty torn up over here without you.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I think I am. I think I’ve done all I can do here in Michigan. And besides, they know I’m here. They know I’m in a rough spot. And it’s an opportune time for them to pounce. I can’t give them that much power.”
“You know,” said Jack. “It’s easier to hide out here anyhow. There are so many celebrities for the paparazzi to hound, you can just disappear into the thick of it any time you really need to.”
“I know,” I said.
“I’ve seen some of the stuff about you,” he went on. “Is it true? I mean, you can tell me.”
“Some of it is,” I said. “But it’s a weird interpretation of the truth. Don’t take it at face value.”
“I know not to do that,” said Jack. I could feel his smile over the phone.
“You’ve been in this position for a long time,” I said. “Longer than me. And you’ve kept it together. What am I doing wrong?”
“Layla, nothing,” he said. “You’re not doing anything wrong. This business can drive people nuts. It’s a lot of pressure to always be on. But you just have to accept it for what it is, you know? It ebbs and flows. You’re gonna have times that seem oppressively busy and visible, and you’ll also have times when you’ll wonder where everybody went.”
“Yeah?” I asked sheepishly. “Really?”
“Really,” he confirmed. “I mean, you’re hot now… but who’s to say that in a couple years you won’t enter a cool down period? You’ve got to manage that. Because if you base your self-worth on your popularity, you might feel exactly like you do now, but for the opposite reasons. That make sense?”
“I think so.”
“If you truly live and die by your ego,” he said. “You’ll feel smothered when they all love you, and you’ll feel deserted when they couldn’t care less.”
“I’m going to do things differently, I think,” I said. “Or, you know, try at least.”
“Ebbs and flows,” he said. “Just take it as it comes.”
“I’m sorry that I’ve been a bad friend,” I said. “I’m sorry that I’ve ignored your calls while I’ve been away.”
“I just care about you, Layla,” said Jack. “That’s all. We’re tight, you know? And I hate to see someone so talented lose their shit. It’s a hard business, and we gotta stick together.”
“It’s such a fucking cliche,” I began, laughing at myself for what I was about to say. “But it’s lonely at the top.”
“Yeah,” said Jack through a laugh. “I mean, it gets more difficult to do ordinary things like go to the movies or whatever, but you have to admit that we get a lot of other opportunities that most people can only dream of.”
“I know,” I said. “I’ve got to learn to better appreciate all that good stuff as well.”
“There’s a learning curve for gratitude,” he said.
“I still feel like I have a monster hill to climb,” I said. “I mean, in one sense, I’ve got a greater grasp of what’s happening. I feel like I know what’s wrong. But now I’ve got to dig myself out.”
“Well, it might not be easy,” said Jack.
“I know that Trish is tired of creating diversions for me, I know I’ve got a lot of responsibilities to attend to for my contract, stuff with the record label, with the movie studio,” I said. “And Daisy. I just worry that I fucked it all up for good. It’s hard to come back from something like that.”
“Just get some rest,” said Jack. “And get back here soon. Avoiding all this isn’t gonna make it go away.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I’m going to be a better person, a better friend. More positive and focused.”
“You know the best thing about being at rock bottom?” said Jack.
“You got nowhere to go but up?” I said.
“No,” he said. “It’s where you really learn how to rock. It’s where the legit inspiration comes from.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said. I was smiling, despite how crummy I felt.
“I’m gonna let you go,” said Jack. “When you’re back home, give me a buzz and let’s kick it. Sound good?”
“Sounds great,” I said. “Timbo, you’re a real cool dude. You’re not an annoying smarmy boy band wiener at all.”
“Is that what you thought about me?” Jack said through a laugh. “A wiener?”
“It might have been,” I admitted.
“I’m no wiener,” he said. “I’m a winner. And don’t you ever forget it!”
“Goodnight Jack.”
“Night Layla,” he said. “Keep your head up.”
After I hung up with Jack, I sparked up another c
igarette and remained on the porch. It was nice to look up at the stars, to see that clear sky filled with billions of tiny white specks. It made me feel small, it made me feel regular. With all that out there in the universe, it made my problems feel almost insignificant. If everything outside of me, outside of the Earth, if it could function and do what it was meant to do, then I surely could as well.
I took solace in that.
“Thanks for driving me,” I said with a smile, looking over at Nikki in the driver’s seat. Henry was in a carseat in the back, completely zonked out from the rumble of the road.
“No problem,” said Nikki. “I’m just glad I got to see you as much as I did during your time back in Michigan.”
“Coming home wasn’t really the answer I was looking for,” I said. “It wasn’t what I thought it would be.”
“What did you think it would be?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “Easy? Like, maybe I could have just holed up for a while, divorced from my life, get a breath of my old life or something. But it wasn’t that at all.”
“The past doesn’t want you,” she said. “You live in the present now.”
“I just thought I’d feel more comforted, you know?” I continued. “But I’m happy that I was able to reconnect with you, Nikki,” I said. “And with James.”
“This might not make sense,” said Nikki. “And I don’t mean for this to make you feel sad or anything. But you are different now, Layla,” she said matter-of-factly, eyes on the road. “I love you for our friendship, for what we had in the past, but even now… here in this car, driving you to the airport, I feel a little anxiety around you.”
“What do you mean?” I said, feeling suddenly concerned.
“I mean… you’re a big deal,” she said, looking over to me with softened eyes. “I see you on TV. I hear you on the radio. You’re still Layla to me, but you’re also Layla Bean and everything that comes with that name. I’m sorry,” she interrupted. “I don’t know if this makes any sense at all.”
“I think it makes sense,” I said. “I get it.”
“You radiate something different now,” said Nikki. “And, you know, you’re so much more confident. I mean really. I hope you can see that.”
“You think so?” I asked, smiling.
“Oh, absolutely,” she said. “I know you’re still working through things, but you’re like the butterfly that has emerged from the chrysalis or something. You’re not running into the bathroom to puke over something that agitates your anxiety.”
“That’s sweet of you,” I said with a laugh. “But I still run off to puke at times. I’m just better at hiding it. I still have my anxiety.”
“Yeah, but it’s on a much greater scale now,” she said. “I mean, it takes bigger things to push you. I remember you puking in the bathroom of the diner when James broke the news that you were meeting with a record label.”
“Well, when I had to sign my recent monster contract,” I said. “I felt similar. It’s just levels of degrees, you know? I’m still that worried, frightened Layla that you knew. It’s just… the stakes have been raised.”
“You’re more confident, though,” Nikki said, smiling contentedly at me. “That’s a compliment.” We both laughed.
“Thank you,” I said. “I hope that I can prove to you sometime that the Layla Bean pop star you see on television, or whatever, is just a facade of me. And the old Layla that you grew up with, she’s still here and she’s happy to call you a friend.”
I reached over and lightly squeezed Nikki’s arm. Nikki smiled and her eyes watered a little bit.
“I hope that you can survive through all of this,” she said. “I know you have a lot of tough things on your plate.”
“For a minute there, I was hopeless,” I said. “And I’m still pretty scared. But I know that I’m willing to work hard, to work on myself, and no matter what happens… well, that’s just how it has to be.”
“This isn’t your black moment,” said Nikki. “I’m convinced that you’re going to figure it out.”
“I appreciate that, Nikki,” I said. Our conversation made me feel really good. I had been muscling through a lot of pain lately, but these connections I had been rekindling made it far more palatable than it would have been otherwise. Even though I had gotten myself into trouble while I was home in Michigan, it was a net positive for me. I was certain of that.
We pulled up to the departure gate entrance at Detroit Metro, and Nikki put the car in park. She smiled at me and I took a deep breath. Opening my door, I ambled around to the trunk, which Nikki had opened from inside of her car, and I removed my duffel bag. Nikki then came around the side with a relaxed expression on her face.
“I wish you could come in with me,” I lamented.
“I’ll just leave the car here running,” she said teasingly. “Henry can watch it.”
“You should come out to LA sometime,” I said.
“Maybe I will,” said Nikki. “You never know what can happen.”
“I love you,” I said, stepping forward and wrapping my arms around her. In turn, Nikki embraced me and we stood there for a silent moment, enjoying the hug of an old friend.
“I love you, too,” she said, her mouth close to my ear. “Try to keep your cool, and don’t let any of the haters bring you down.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said. Slowly, we pulled back from our hug and smiled at each other.
“I didn’t notice before,” Nikki said curiously. “But you put your labret back in.” She touched her own lip when she said this, as people often did when they spoke of my piercing.
“I did,” I said. “It just felt right. It’s part of me, I guess, part of my thing. I was beginning to feel a little naked without it.”
“I like it,” said Nikki with a grin on her face. “I always thought it was pretty cool.”
“Thanks again,” I said, giving Nikki one more longing hug.
“Call me sometime,” she said.
“I will.”
Then I found myself repositioning my duffel over my shoulder, hefting it up, and walking away from Nikki. I gave her one last smile and a wave, while she stood there watching me go. People come and go in your life, but the real friends always remain part of the cast.
As I entered the airport, a lot of people turned their heads. They knew who I was immediately. I saw a few people lift up their phones and take a picture, which reminded me of a simpler time when everybody just had a flip phone. Once these smartphones came into being, I had felt a lot more pictures being taken of me.
But I just kept walking through it, trying to ignore it, trying to keep a mild smile on my face so that the pictures they took weren’t completely awful. These people, the people who cared enough to take a picture, cared enough to call out my name, they were probably well aware of my troubles. But I had to show them I was okay. I had to put on a strong face, because that was my role. That was my responsibility.
I put up my hood, I slipped my sunglasses over my eyes, and after a little more walking the attention died down. It wasn’t much of a disguise, but it was enough to fade back into the black image of some random punk rock girl. The girl I felt like I was inside. But that girl had to grow up a little bit and accept the reality she had created for herself. With great power comes great responsibility. Some people don’t get that. I didn’t get that.
But I was beginning to realize what I had. And I just couldn’t take any of it for granted anymore. I was deserving. It was time that I gave myself the luxury of a little kindness. We can all use some of that.
Yes! Another Book Is Coming!
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For Our First Song: The Prologue
Rise From Rock City: Book 1
Fall Of The Rock Girl: Book 2
On Top Of The Rock: Book 3
(Coming Soon!)
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An Excerpt: Rise From Rock City
A Lesbian Rock Star Romance
I stood outside the Mystic, leaning back, one black boot up against the brick wall behind me, fingering a cigarette and looking down into the concrete below. I was out back, behind the club near the dumpsters, trying to muscle down my anxiety, trying to get myself amped up for going on stage. I had a run in my stockings, my skirt felt a bit tight, I had a shabby unzipped parka over my shoulders. It was cold out there and a very light flurry of snow was coming down from the night sky. You could see it in the streetlights. A cold, dreary, Detroit winter. It was New Year’s Eve 1999, the millennium, and while a lot of people decided to stay at home due to the irrational fear of the Y2K “bug,” me and my band Cast Party were about to rock out in a sweaty, steamy, smoky night club.
Fall Of The Rock Girl: A Lesbian Romance (Revolving Record Book 2) Page 16