by Cali MacKay
“I like you in my clothes, little bird.” Ash wrapped his arm around my waist from behind me and kissed my cheek. “Let me order us some dinner. Pizza okay?”
“Perfect.” It turned out I was starving, but luckily, it didn’t take long for them to show up with our food. We sat down together on the sofa, our plates on our laps, as I took another bite, savoring the flavors. “This is so good. Hands down some of the best pizza I’ve had in a long time.”
Ash offered Sammie a chunk of his crust, which she took gingerly from his fingers. “Are you going to be okay living in Seattle?”
I had left for so many reasons, and being back in Seattle had me on edge. It was dredging up all sorts of memories that were better off left buried. “I don’t have much going on in San Francisco, but Seattle…” A shiver crawled up my spine as a weary sigh escaped my lips before I could hold it back. “You know what? Don’t worry…I can make it work. And this is an amazing house.”
“Wren…” But in the end, he let it go—and maybe that was what changed my mind. The fact that he was trying so hard not to push me for more information, and he was doing all he could to make me happy.
The words stuck in my throat as I tried to muster the strength to finally tell someone the secret I’d kept through a thousand hells. “It…it was Steven.”
I struggled to say more, but couldn’t. And yet Ash didn’t need a whole lot more to figure out what I meant, despite the fact that I didn’t have the courage to tell him what happened.
“Your stepbrother?” He spoke the words through clenched teeth—not that he needed an answer when my eyes shimmered with tears. He set aside our plates and pulled me into his arms, holding me to him, though his body was so tense, I didn’t think he could even breathe. “Wren…what? When? I don’t even know what to say.”
My words stuck in my throat like I was choking on a thorny briar, my tears rolling down my cheeks and my heart bleeding from the wounds I’d carried for well over a decade. But I couldn’t look at him…couldn’t face the pity I feared I’d see in his eyes. What if he now looked at me and couldn’t see past what had happened to me? He didn’t even know any of the details.
“Can we just forget about it? Please?”
My rage was like napalm in my veins, and it took all I had not to smash my fist through the wall. Repeatedly.
Her fucking stepbrother.
Sick fucking bastard.
She hadn’t said what he’d done to her, but it didn’t matter. Because Steven never should have touched her—period. And whatever he’d done, it sure as fuck had left its mark on her soul.
And I’d been too fucking stupid to see it.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, Wren. But… Fuck. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I don’t even know what to say.” All I could do was hold her tightly in my arms, desperate to erase her pain, though I knew it was impossible. Something like that didn’t just go away. Not ever.
“I shouldn’t have said anything.” She pulled away and swiped at her tears, managing the smallest of smiles that didn’t come close to reaching her eyes. “Can we please just forget about it? I’m begging you, Ash.”
I wish I could. But how the hell was I supposed to let something like that go? Especially when I had a million questions—none of which I really wanted the answers to. “I don’t know what hell he put you through, but I swear, if he was still alive, I’d have fucking killed him with my own two hands…torn him to pieces.”
She shook her head, her eyes still refusing to meet mine as tears slipped down her cheeks, wrenching my soul. “Killing him…it didn’t put an end to my nightmares. But…I don’t think anything will.”
She couldn’t really mean… “Wren… Are you telling me that you were the one who shot him? Not some enemy of your father’s?”
“I had to, Ash. I had no choice. Once you left…it started all over again. I tried to stop him, but…I couldn’t. It was the only way.” She choked on her words with a sob, her confession like a knife to my heart as the pieces fell into place…
It was no wonder she hated me for breaking things off between us. “I’m so fucking sorry, love…I didn’t know. I never should have left you.”
“You didn’t know because I didn’t tell you—and I’m done discussing this. I just can’t do it. Not now.” She shook her head, looking panicked as I pulled her into my arms and tried to calm her, her pain doing my head in.
“Hush, love… Not now, then.” I cradled her against me, doing my best to comfort and reassure her, until she finally settled.
Letting out a ragged breath, she pulled out of my arms just enough to look up at me, as I brushed away her tears. But I couldn’t stop my mind from racing through my memories, wondering what clues I’d missed and whether or not there was anything I could have done.
“I know you’re not ready, but…at some point, Wren…you’ll need to talk about it. Dealing with all this on your own can’t be good.” I’d get her whatever help she needed.
“I don’t want to deal with any of it. I just want to forget it ever happened. Bury it under new memories. So…if you can help me with that…I’d appreciate it.” She reached down and pet Sammie, who was curled up by the sofa.
“I’ll help any way I can, love.” I nuzzled her, kissing her slowly, as my heart ached for her. I had no doubt she’d been dealing with this for far too long. But why the fuck had no one put a stop to it? “Wren…does your father know?”
She let out a frustrated sigh, since I clearly wasn’t putting this to rest, though she gave me an answer anyway. “No. He doesn’t know—and it’s going to stay that way. I don’t want his last memories of me to be of my stepbrother repeatedly raping me. The guilt alone would send my dad to his grave. The murder…he assumed it was one of his enemies.”
And there it was…the confirmation I’d hoped never to have to hear.
Fuck!
I wanted to murder the bastard—and I couldn’t even do that, ’cause he was already dead. All I could do is curse him to a thousand hells, and do my best to see Wren through it all. “Why didn’t you tell your father when it happened? He would have put a stop to it, Wren.”
“Don’t you think I wanted to? But…I couldn’t.” She dropped her head in her hands, fisting her hair as she choked back a sob. “Steven made me think it was somehow my fault. That I wanted it to happen…that my father would think I was nothing but a whore if I told him. He threatened to tell him that I’d been the one who’d snuck into his bed. And he made me feel like I was nothing…that I should be grateful for the attention he was giving me…that no one else would ever want me.”
“Please tell me you know none of that’s true, love.” That fucker. He’d totally manipulated her.
“I know that now. But back then…I was only fourteen when it started, and I was too young and stupid to know any better. And…he had me so fucking scared.” Tears rolled down her cheeks, and though I was glad she opened up to me, it also killed me to hear what that asshole put her through. “But now…I look back on it all and wonder how I could have been so stupid?”
“You were only fourteen, Wren. You were just a kid and he abused you. He fucked with your head so he could take advantage of your fear.” And given that Steven had been a few years older than Wren, he knew full well that what he was doing was wrong on so many levels.
“Still…I should have found a way to stop him.” Her eyes shimmered as a fresh wave of tears fell, though what killed me even more was the guilt in her voice. “But he…he’d just hurt me more when he thought I was getting too brave. So that by the time he was done, I’d do whatever it took not to go through that again, even if it meant keeping quiet about what he was doing to me.”
I couldn’t hold back the growl of fury and frustration, a feeling of helplessness engulfing me until I thought it might consume me whole. “I don’t even know what to say…what to do. He never should have fucking touched you.”
But instead of pulling away from me, she sl
ipped her arms around my neck and let me hold onto her, her head bent to mine. “I just need you to forget about all of this. Please.”
She was asking me for the impossible. “I just don’t know how I’m supposed to do that. It feels like everyone failed you—including me.”
“You didn’t know, Ash. And you did keep me safe for the few years that we were together.”
Except that I broke things off, and let that fucking monster abuse her again.
I never should have said anything. And yet, he had every right to know if we were going to get married. “If you don’t want to go through with the wedding…I’ll totally understand. I’ll speak to my father and find some way to get him to still help you with your family.”
“Wren…” He cupped my cheek and nuzzled me, his cheek rough against mine before he caught my mouth in a whisper of a kiss. “I meant it when I said that I love you. But I fucking failed you, and if you can find it in your heart to give me another chance, you have my word that I’ll do right by you. No one will ever hurt you again.”
I knew it wasn’t his fault. He’d just been the easiest target for my anger. “I know I was angry with you, but…I was wrong to blame you for all my problems. Any sane person would have walked away long before you did, and you didn’t know about Steven and what he’d done—nor did you know he’d come back once you were gone.”
If anything, I should have been grateful for the reprieve I’d been given while I was seeing Ash. Somehow Steven knew that if he’d continued his abuse while I was with Ash, Ash would eventually figure it out—and there was no doubt in anyone’s mind that Ash would have murdered him.
He cupped my cheek as he took me in, but his eyes were filled with so much pain, so much worry, I regretted telling him any of it, even if it felt like a weight had finally lifted off my chest. “You should have told me, Wren.”
“He threatened to kill you if I said anything. And I just couldn’t risk it.” Losing Ash would have been just one more tragedy in this nightmare, and that more than anything would have broken me.
“That bastard. He manipulated you in every possible way, Wren—and he should have been stopped.” Ash’s jaw clenched and he was all but vibrating with his anger—and I swore, I’d never seen anyone so angry before. “And…it was constant, wasn’t it?”
I wanted to lie to him, wanted to tell him that it was just a handful of times, but I couldn’t deny the truth now that I’d finally admitted to someone what I’d been through. “Whenever he thought he could get away with it. With my dad always working late or away on business and his mom usually too drunk or passed out with sleeping pills to know what was happening or to care, he had plenty of opportunity to play his sadistic games.”
“And that’s why…you need things a little rough?” He couldn’t even look at me as he asked me. And it killed me.
I felt so embarrassed…so dirty…like all those things Steven said about me were true. “I know it’s fucked up, but…I think that everything he put me through somehow screwed me up…screwed up how I’m now wired. Because now…I hate myself anytime I allow myself any pleasure, even though I’m desperate for it. And so I guess…I feel like I need it to be forced upon me…so that I don’t have to be responsible for giving in to it. Or maybe it’s that I need things rough but in an environment that I know is safe for me…so that I know I’ll be okay.”
I knew it didn’t make any sense. And I knew that I was a complete mess. But I didn’t know how to change it. I didn’t know how to leave my past behind and move beyond it. And even if I could lock away my memories—and I’d tried damn hard to do just that—it still didn’t change the way my body and mind reacted to sex and intimacy.
“Fucking hell, Wren…” Ash shook his head, his brow furrowed with worry, as he took my hand in his. “I’m sorry he put you through such hell, but…whatever you need…I don’t want you second-guessing yourself, or wondering what I’ll think. I just want to make you happy—and I want to be here for you. No matter what it takes.”
“What if it’s always like this?” It wasn’t as though I hadn’t tried to change, but when it came down to it, it always played out the same way, with my fucked-up head and traitorous body making me feel like a freak.
“So what if it is, little bird?” He brought my hand to his lips, and then knotted our fingers together, his green eyes soft and kind. “Everyone has things they like and dislike—especially when it comes to sex—and this is no different. And though I get that all of this stems from a bad place, maybe what you need to do is embrace it, or make it your own…take back your sexuality so he no longer has any part of it.”
“And you’re okay with my messed-up needs…and you don’t think I’m totally screwed up in the head?” I hated that he might think I was crazy, and couldn’t keep my tears from falling.
“I’d walk through a mile of shattered glass if that was what you needed, Wren.”
I spent the night in Ash’s arms, with him simply holding me tight. Nothing more, even though I desperately wanted him with every fiber of my being. Yet, despite my hunger for him, I slept well for the first time in decades, even if part of me was worried that he wouldn’t be able to look at me without seeing the hell Steven put me through. In the end, I trusted Ash enough to know that he’d find a way past it all.
“I need to see my family and let them know we’re getting married, since the wedding is in three days.” He toweled off his wet hair, his naked body still dappled with water, and his long cock nothing but a rock-hard distraction. “Everyone would love to see you.”
I couldn’t imagine that being the truth, since I had no doubt his entire family likely thought I was some sort of unstable psychotic bitch after our breakup, since it had not gone well. “I don’t know, Ash. I doubt they’re too happy about you marrying me. And I still don’t have a dress.”
“I’m not going to lie to you, love. When I told them of my deal with your dad, they were worried that we were getting hitched for the wrong reasons. But that’s why I want you to come with me. So they can see how happy you make me.”
“Do I really?” It kind of caught me off guard. I knew he loved me, but I figured that was because of our past. To know that I actually made him happy, despite everything we’d been through? It only made me love him all the more.
“You do—more than anything. And things between us are now different than how they were when we were first together. A lot’s changed since then—not only between us, but with who we now are as adults.” With an arm around my waist, Ash pulled me to him so his erection was trapped teasingly between us. “And it means everything that you trusted me with your secrets, despite how hard it was for you. Because honesty and trust are everything, love.”
“I suppose it’d be good for them to see us together, now that everything’s good between us. Things were so crazy when we were younger. Though, in the meantime, I can think of a few more ways to make you happy.” I reached down between us and stroked his cock, the feel of it like soft silk over hard steel, his mouth covering mine in a hungry kiss.
But then he was pulling my hand away with a groan as he broke from our kiss. “You’re trying to distract me, babe, and it’s not going to work.”
“Ma.” I gave my mom a kiss on the cheek, trying not to step on the pack of excited dogs swarming us, and then turned to Wren with a smile. “You remember Wren…”
“Indeed I do.” My mother’s Irish lilt filled the air as she pulled Wren into her arms for a hug. “It’s so nice to see you again, dear.”
Wren gave her a genuine smile, even though it was clear she was nervous. “It’s nice to be back.”
I knew there was no point in delaying the matter, and if there was a problem, I wanted to get it out of the way. “I know this is really sudden, but… We’re getting married this Saturday, and we’d love for everyone to be there, despite the short notice.”
She looked at the two of us in that way that only mothers can, with both love and understanding, all while
cutting right to the chase. “If it’s what the two of you really want, and you’re not being pressured into it because of circumstances, then I’m truly happy for you both. But…you have me worried that there are factors other than love that are driving this union.”
Of course she’d be worried, especially when our relationship had been so volatile before. But things were different now. “Ma…that may have been the case to start with, but I do love Wren.”
Wren took my hand in hers, and gave my mother a small smile. “And I love Ash.”
My mother managed a smile, though it was clear she was still worried about both of us. “Then I’m truly happy for you both. Have you talked to your brothers? Though it might be too short a notice for Conor to catch a flight from Dublin.”
I’d have to call Conor, though Paige had just recently had a baby, and it’d be completely understandable if he didn’t want to leave them for a thirteen-hour flight. “I’ll give him a ring and see if he can make it. And I’ll call you with the details once we know where we’re having this.”
“If it’s not too large a gathering, you could have it at the distillery.” My mom gave us an easy smile. “The views there are gorgeous, and there’s plenty of space, both indoors and out, depending on what you prefer.”
“That’d be perfect. And if you could pull some strings with the caterers you know, that would be great. I don’t think we’ll be expecting more than twenty-five people.” My family would make up the bulk of the guest list, and given that it was such short notice, it was doubtful there’d be many others who’d be able to make it. Which was perfectly fine by me. I’d prefer to keep this wedding as a small and personal affair, instead of anything over-the-top. “We should go, but I’ll keep you updated.”
I gave her a kiss good-bye on her cheek, and then she hugged Wren and welcomed her to the family before we headed out. And though I hadn’t expected her to protest this wedding, I was relieved she didn’t voice her concerns beyond making sure this was what we wanted. Wren had been nervous enough to begin with. And after all she’d been through, I didn’t want her to have to stress about anything else.