I winced once I hit Send, instantly regretting sending that kind of message to Ethan. We had been friends, yes, but we were never close. Yet here I was, messaging him and complaining, when I’d never said a word to anyone. Granted, there weren’t many I could rant to anymore. The only friend I still had from high school was Delilah, and I hadn’t spoken with her in months. Everyone else had moved on after graduation, forgetting about me.
He replied after a few minutes.
How so?
I bit my lips as I debated on how to respond. I could lie and make up something about my job or another superficial complaint, or I could tell the truth to this man. He was practically a stranger now with no place in my life. He probably didn’t even know Joey. They were almost three years apart in age and had never crossed paths, as far as I knew. If Ethan judged me for complaining to him, it wouldn’t matter. He wouldn’t go running to Joey or tell anyone about me. Our lives were no longer connected at all.
I think I hate my husband. He’s so cruel to me. I’m just miserable with my life, I guess.
I didn’t regret the words. In fact, I felt almost free. I had said them—or rather, texted them—for the first time in my life.
His response was almost instant.
Cruel? Is he hurting you?
He isn’t beating me, if that’s what you mean. We’ve gotten into it a few times, and he’s thrown things, but he’s never hit me. He’s just cruel with his words and actions.
I waited, hoping that Ethan would keep talking with me. I felt lighter already, only a few sentences taking the weight from my shoulders.
A man hitting a woman is about the worst thing I can think of, but verbal and mental abuse is almost as bad. Why are you still with him if he’s like this? You should leave.
I frowned.
I have a child with him. I can’t just walk away because he hurts my feelings.
Several minutes passed without a response. I frowned before taking another drink. I was worried that Ethan had suddenly decided I wasn’t worth talking to anymore. My heart skipped a beat when my phone screen lit up, showing that I had a new message from him.
Having a child definitely makes things difficult but not impossible.
I want Amelia to have a happy life, growing up. I don’t want her memories to be filled with being taken back and forth between him and me.
Eh, I see your point, I guess. I just can’t imagine being stuck with someone I despised, feeling completely miserable for the rest of my life.
I reread his words twice, trying to decipher whether or not he was being a smart-ass before deciding that he probably was.
You know what? Never mind. I can see that you’re judging me already. I think I’d better go.
I was surprised at how angry I had become over a single message. I’d expected Ethan to maybe feel sorry for me, but I had never expected him to tell me that I should leave my husband. That was…unthinkable. I couldn’t. I had Amelia to think about.
Hey, I didn’t mean to piss you off, so calm down. I just meant that no one should be forced to live a life that makes them miserable. We used to be friends once, Caley, and I thought a lot of you back then. You’re a sweet girl, and you deserve a happy life. That was all I was trying to say.
My anger dissolved instantly, and I felt like a complete fool.
I’m sorry.
Don’t be. I understand.
I sighed, torn between continuing to talk to Ethan and going to bed. My head was starting to swim, and I knew it wouldn’t take long before my messages would start suffering a painful grammatical death. I’d made enough of a fool of myself for one night. It was time for bed.
I need to go to bed. Amelia will be up early. Good night, Ethan. It was good talking with you.
Good night. Don’t wait another few years to message me again, okay? Tonight made me realize that I’ve missed talking to you. You can shoot me a message on here or send me a text whenever you need someone to talk to.
He sent another message with his phone number. I smiled. It was so nice to have someone act kind toward me for once. The nicest thing Joey had done for me lately was filling up my glass when it was almost empty.
Thank you for listening to me tonight. We’ll definitely have to talk again soon. Night!
I saved Ethan’s number in my phone under the name Elena, fearing that Joey would get angry if he realized I was talking with a guy. Once that was done, I pulled my Messenger application back up and clicked on Ethan’s conversation. I reread our chat one more time before deleting the messages. I felt a twinge of guilt as I deleted them, but I pushed it aside. The only reason I was getting rid of them was because Joey would overreact if he saw a guy’s name in my messages. If he wasn’t so controlling, I wouldn’t have to sneak around like I had something to hide.
I plugged my phone into the charger and set it down on the table. After carrying my empty glass to the kitchen and placing it in the sink, I headed toward the bedroom where I knew Joey would be awake and waiting for me. The Ethan-induced smile on my face slowly slid away as I opened the door and laid my eyes on my husband.
Two weeks had passed without a word from Ethan. Every night, I’d stare at my phone, both debating on messaging him and willing him to send me a message. Every night, I’d go to bed, disappointed.
It was a strange feeling to crave someone’s attention. Normally, I shied away from any kind of interaction unless it was forced upon me. Even with my few friends and acquaintances, I’d only speak to them when they called or messaged me, and the interactions would be brief. I just wasn’t a people person.
Apparently, I was an Ethan person though.
As I struggled to understand why I wanted to so badly talk to him again, my interactions with Joey became more and more strained. Amelia was teething, crying constantly, and overall, being evil. Her dismal mood seemed to embed itself in me as well. Emotionally, I was at the end of my rope. Something needed to change, or I was going to snap.
Finally, I couldn’t stand it any longer. Pushing aside my pride, I decided I was going to cave and message Ethan again. After making sure that Joey would watch Amelia, I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and walked outside. I sat down on the asphalt, several feet away from the main entrance of our apartment building, and pulled out a cigarette. I lit it up and inhaled deeply, allowing it to calm me. Once the nicotine entered my system, I pulled out my phone and sent Ethan a message.
I think teething babies are part demon.
The text was random, but it was all I could think of. I chuckled to myself. I was a moron.
He replied back.
Why?
With the way Amelia has been screaming, there’s no other explanation. It’s awful.
Have you tried a cold wet washcloth? It helped my nephew when he was teething. He was also part demon at the time.
I’d forgotten that Ethan had an older sister. I’d met her once or twice in school, but she was a few years older than me, and we hadn’t run in the same social circles, so I knew very little about her. One of the only things I did know was that she’d gotten pregnant her senior year. The rumors had swirled around our school for weeks after people had found out. It had been so widespread that even I had heard some of them.
That seems to be the only thing that helps. I feel so bad for her. :/
It’ll pass. You just have to hang in there until it does. How are things going for you?
I hope it passes quickly. Things are the same. They never change.
Hmm, I was hoping that you were exaggerating the other night because you were drinking.
Nope, not exaggerating at all. My mood has been even worse since Amelia has been so fussy. I think she’s stressing both of us out. I feel so bad for saying this, but I kind of just want to run away for a while.
Then, do it.
Do what?
Run away for a little bit. I mean, don’t actually run away. Just get out of the house for a bit. Let him watch Amelia. You need some time alone to reset.
I frowned.
I doubt if he’d let me leave just like that.
Don’t ask. Tell. Then, get in your car and drive. Get out of the house for an hour or two. It’ll help a lot.
I bit my lip as I stared at my phone. I would love to get away for a while, but I feared it would start another fight with Joey. At this point, I couldn’t take any more fighting.
I finally typed out a reply.
I’m afraid it’ll only make things worse.
If wanting to leave for an hour or two starts a fight, then he needs professional help. Everyone has a limit, Caley, and I think you’ve reached yours.
Instead of answering, I locked my phone and took another hit off my cigarette. Escaping for even an hour sounded like absolute heaven. I loved Amelia, but I couldn’t handle the crying anymore. I’d already joined in with her as she wailed once or twice today. If tonight was anything like last night, I knew I’d have to endure even more crying and absolutely no sleep. That thought pushed me into action. I couldn’t handle staying home all evening and then dealing with a night full of crying and screaming.
I stood and walked back up to our apartment. When I stepped inside, Amelia was sleeping in her swing. That sight alone calmed my nerves. Joey was sitting on the couch a few feet away from her. His eyes were glued on the TV.
“I’m going out,” I said, careful to keep my voice low in fear of waking Amelia.
He glanced up at me. “Where?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I think I’m just going to go for a drive. I need to get away for a little while. I won’t be gone for more than an hour or two.”
He suspiciously eyed me. “Why do you suddenly need to get away from here?”
“Hmm, maybe because Amelia has done nothing but scream for the past few days. I’m stressed, Joey. I’ve barely slept for more than an hour or two in the last forty-eight hours. I’ve reached my limit, okay? I have to leave, or I’m going to explode.”
He rolled his eyes. “And I’m not stressed out, too?”
I clenched my hands at my sides, trying my hardest not to start fighting with him. “You slept through the night without any interruption. Today, your ass has been parked on that couch the whole day, only getting up to take a piss. I think you held her twice, so I could go to the bathroom.”
He glared at me. “So, you’re saying I’m a shit father?”
I laughed, but it sounded all wrong. “I’m not saying that, Joey. I’m just saying that I need to have a little me time.”
He continued to glare at me before glancing over at Amelia. “What am I supposed to do if she wakes up and starts crying again?”
“Pick her up, rock her, give her a cold washcloth to chew on. You’ve watched me take care of her all day. You know what to do.”
He sighed. “Fine. But be back here in an hour. I’ll be hungry by then.”
Instead of demanding he give me more time, I just nodded and turned away. I grabbed my keys and tore out of the apartment before he could change his mind. If I was allowed only an hour, I sure as hell wasn’t going to waste it hanging around here.
When I reached my car, I glanced down at my phone. It was flashing with a new message. I unlocked it to see a few messages from Ethan, all of them asking where I’d disappeared to.
I was busy telling Joey that I needed some me time. I’m in my car now. Ah, I did it!
Ha-ha. How brave of you. So, where are you going to go?
No idea, but I have a whole hour to myself. I’m probably just going to drive around with the windows down and the radio turned up.
That sounds like a good way to spend an hour. Want some company?
What do you mean?
Well, if you don’t mind someone riding shotgun, I was going to suggest that you come pick me up. I’m about ten minutes away from our old high school. I have no idea where you live now, so I don’t know how close I am to you.
My eyes widened as I read his message. I wanted to pick him up, but I knew it would be a bad idea.
What if someone I knew saw me picking him up? What if Joey found out somehow? He would be furious. No, furious wasn’t a strong enough word for how angry he would be.
I messaged back.
What’s your address?
When Ethan responded, I smiled. He lived within fifteen minutes of my place.
I’ll pick you up in fifteen.
Apparently, I was throwing caution to the wind. Picking him up would either be really good for me or catastrophic if it ended with Joey learning the truth. Either way, I wasn’t going to back out now. It seemed I was taking all kinds of risks today.
Caley Sanders, the daredevil.
It had a nice ring to it.
When I pulled up outside a small white house, I saw Ethan sitting on his porch, smoking a cigarette. He stood and stomped it out before walking over to where my car was parked. He opened the door and climbed inside with a wide grin. I took a moment to look him over, surprised at just how much he’d changed since the last time I laid eyes on him. The photos I’d glanced at online didn’t do him justice. He was far more attractive than I’d remembered.
“You know, I never expected that you’d actually show up when I suggested you come pick me up,” Ethan said in greeting.
I checked to make sure there was no traffic before pulling back onto the road. “Honestly, I thought it was a bad idea when you suggested it.”
Ethan laughed. “Then, why did you come get me?”
I kept my eyes on the road, debating on what to say. “I guess I was just lonely.”
He was quiet for a moment before speaking again, “You were so lonely that you came to pick up a guy you hadn’t seen since you graduated from high school years ago?”
“I guess I was,” I mumbled as I made a right turn onto a less traveled road. I didn’t want to push my luck by driving right through the main part of town. I might be a fool for deciding to see Ethan in person, but I wasn’t a complete moron.
“Turn right up here,” Ethan said suddenly.
I curiously glanced over at him before turning as he had instructed. “Why am I going this way? I’m not even sure if this is a road or not. It might just be someone’s driveway.”
“It’s a road, I promise. I used to go fishing at a pond up through here. A pull-off spot is coming up. Pull over there.”
“Why?” I asked cautiously.
“Because I think you need someone to vent to, and it’s kind of hard to have that kind of conversation while you’re driving. I’d rather you get it all out of your system at once instead of trying to focus on both the road and what you’re saying.”
I pursed my lips but didn’t respond. Ethan had a point about my need to vent, so when I saw the pull-over spot, I turned the wheel, leaving the blacktop. Once I was off the road, I put my car in park and shut it off.
We were completely surrounded by trees, no trace of human life anywhere near us. The sun was starting to sink below the horizon. I suddenly felt uneasy about being so totally alone with Ethan. It wasn’t just the fact that I hadn’t seen him in so long, but it also felt wrong to be alone with a man who wasn’t my husband.
“So, do you want to vent or not?” Ethan asked. “Or we can just sit here in silence until you’re ready to go home. I’m good with either option.”
I looked over at him. “A man who is willing to talk about emotions and stuff? You’re full of surprises.”
He shrugged. “I call bullshit on that whole men-don’t-talk-about-feelings crap.”
“I couldn’t tell you the last time Joey actually sat down and listened when I tried to talk to him about my feelings,” I said.
“Then, he’s a fool. No marriage—hell, no relationship can last without communication,” Ethan said.
“I wish he would realize that. The only communication we have is during our daily fights. Let me just say, there’s not a lot of good communication going on during those.”
Ethan frowned. “Why don’t you start at the beginni
ng and tell me what’s been going on between the two of you? I know you’ve been with him for a long time. You were with him back when we first met. You seemed so happy with him then.”
“I was happy,” I said sadly. “I was in love—or at least, I was in love with the idea of love. Until Joey, no guy had paid me a bit of attention. I’d thought something was wrong with me, and then Joey came along. He spoke to me and paid attention to what I had to say. He told me how pretty I was and made sure that we always spent time together. He made me feel important, like I was worth someone’s attention.”
“I never realized what a low opinion you had of yourself,” Ethan said.
I stared at him, shocked by his words. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“You needed Joey’s attention to feel validated. You’re a pretty girl, Caley, and you’re one of the smartest girls I’ve ever met. You shouldn’t feel the way you do about yourself.”
Elusive Love Page 2