He surprised me when he reached out and pulled both Amelia and me to him. He hugged us before stepping back. “I love you both. I hope you know that.”
I watched in disbelief as he walked out of our bedroom and down the hallway before disappearing from sight. A few seconds later, I heard the front door open and close. Then, he was gone, leaving me more than just a little confused.
Joey had been mostly silent over the last few days. We hadn’t fought, but we hadn’t exactly been friendly either. The fact that he’d hugged me, that he’d said he loved me, shocked me to my very core. I couldn’t think of the last time he’d uttered those words to me. I had assumed he felt the same way I did—trapped. If he’d truly meant those words….well, that could change everything.
I shook my head. I would never understand that man.
What are you doing?
Just put Amelia to bed. You?
Sitting on a barstool, drinking a beer, and wallowing in self-pity.
Wow, sounds like a ton of fun. Why are you having a pity party?
Because I have to pay for all this beer, and it isn’t making me feel better at all.
I thought I was the one who drowned my sorrows in alcohol. If we’re switching it up, let me know, so I can be the supportive sober one.
Please do. I need some damn support.
What’s bothering you?
I’d sent the last message before a thought occurred to me.
Wait, how are you drinking? I’m twenty-one, so you’re only nineteen.
I have friends in high places…at bars.
I rolled my eyes.
Okay. Anyway, what’s bothering you?
I’m just in a bad mood, I guess. Work sucked today, so that didn’t help any.
I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?
You could come to the bar and drink with me.
I frowned. He must really be down to have suggested that. He knew it wouldn’t be safe for me to be seen out with him. All it would take was one person seeing us together and reporting back to Joey to ruin everything.
You know I can’t. Joey might find out. Plus, he’s out of town, so I’m home by myself with Amelia.
I know. Just wishful thinking. Why is he out of town?
Work apparently. He was really…nice before he left. It was strange.
At least he wasn’t yelling at you, right?
I suppose.
If he’s gone all weekend, then you should hang out with me tomorrow.
I bit my lip. I wanted to see Ethan, I really did, but it wouldn’t be safe. Texting was one thing, but meeting him again was something I couldn’t do. There would be too much risk involved. I couldn’t risk losing his friendship. I needed it too much.
You know I can’t. If anyone saw us…
I know a place we could go. No one would be there.
Where?
I knew it would be a bad idea.
There’s a fishing hole that’s privately owned, and pretty much no one knows about it. Come with me tomorrow, please?
Instead of telling him no, I stared down at my phone. I wanted to go—badly. Ethan and Amelia were the only two people in this world who made me feel truly happy. I hated that part of my happiness required me to sneak around behind my husband’s back, but I was in far too deep to walk away now. I’d had a taste of what most people felt every single day, and I clung to it. I knew the road I was going down was paved with nothing but deceit, and if Joey were to ever discover the truth, he would be so angry, but I kept walking straight ahead on it.
I finally sent back a reply.
I don’t have a fishing pole.
No problem. I have two. So, is that a yes?
Maybe. I will have to check with my mom to see if she can watch Amelia.
Do you think she’ll say yes?
I sighed.
I’m sure she will. She loves spending time with Amelia.
Good. Then, meet me at my house at noon tomorrow.
Maybe.
I tossed my phone on the couch and sighed again. I knew without a doubt that I would be at his house tomorrow. The elation I felt over spending time with another human being who didn’t berate me or spit up on me was dimmed slightly by the never-ending guilt. It seemed that all I ever felt was guilt.
“I knew you’d come,” Ethan said the moment I climbed out of my car.
“Then, I should’ve skipped out on this little adventure just to prove you wrong,” I said with a grin.
He laughed. “But then you would have sat at home all day, watching cartoons and thinking about all the fun you were missing out on.” He studied me for a moment. “Hey, have you lost weight? You look like you have.”
I felt my face heat up as I looked away. I did not like discussing my weight or my issues with it with anyone, not even my own mother—hell, especially not my mother. For Ethan to ask about it was extremely embarrassing.
“Yeah, I’ve lost a few pounds over the last few weeks. It’s nothing to brag about though. I’m still fat,” I said, feeling twenty shades of awkward.
I couldn’t believe that he’d noticed. Joey hadn’t, or he would have said something. He made sure to regularly comment on my weight.
Ethan rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to stand here and tell you that you look like a Victoria’s Secret model, but I certainly wouldn’t call you fat. Stop beating yourself up over bullshit like that. I think you look fine.”
“Whatever,” I mumbled.
Apparently satisfied that he’d put me in my place, Ethan grabbed two poles, a cooler, and a tackle box off of his porch, balancing everything carefully. “Let me toss these in the back of my car, and we’ll go.”
“Can we take my car instead? I’m worried about leaving it in front of your house all day.”
He frowned and opened his mouth, as if to say something, but he must have decided against it. He clamped his mouth shut and nodded as he walked over to my car. After arranging the tackle box and poles in the backseat, we climbed in.
“So, where are we going?” I asked as I started my car.
“You remember the road we were on the night you came to see me?” When I nodded, he continued, “The fishing spot is on the same road.”
We were quiet as I drove, and neither of us spoke until I hit what I now considered our road.
“So, what was up with the pity party last night?” I finally asked.
He shrugged. “Nothing. I just had some bullshit in my head that I was trying to figure out.”
“Like what?”
“Nothing important. Turn left up here,” Ethan said.
I frowned but turned left onto a narrow dirt road. “Uh, is my car going to be okay while going down this road? I didn’t realize we’d be going off-road.”
“It’ll be fine. There are no pot holes or anything out through here. Just some small tree limbs sticking out since the owner hardly ever comes out to clear it.”
I kept going down the road, slowing down at each winding turn. After about a mile, I saw a clearing up ahead. When we reached it, I was surprised to see a large pond in front of us. A dock ran out into the middle of it. It was the perfect fishing spot.
“I can’t believe I didn’t know about this place. I used to go fishing all the time when I was a kid.” I parked my car next to the dock.
“Hardly anyone knows about it, which is why I like it so much,” Ethan said.
We climbed out and grabbed our gear along with the cooler from the backseat. I followed Ethan down the dock to the very end. We baited our hooks and cast the lines out. I sat down on the edge of the dock with my feet hanging over the end. The dock was high enough that my feet were a foot or two above the water.
Ethan sat down next to me and flipped the lid of the cooler open. He pulled out two beers and tossed me one.
“Thanks,” I said, trying not to wrinkle my nose.
Apparently, I’d failed because he laughed and took the beer out of my hand. He grabbed a soda out of the cooler and hande
d it to me.
“Better?” he asked.
“Much. I’m not a fan of beer. It tastes like piss. I’m a vodka kind of girl.”
“I don’t mind it.” He took a drink.
We sat in silence, waiting for even the slightest nibble.
After a little while, I glanced over at him. “Are you sure there are fish in here?”
“Patience, young one,” he said with a grin.
“Young one? I’m older than you, remember? You haven’t even hit your twenties yet.”
The grin slowly slipped away. “Some days, I feel like I’m forty. Life is a lot harder than I expected it to be.”
“How so?” I asked as I reeled my line in and cast out again.
“Money is a pain in the ass to come by, for one. I never realized how much everything costs—rent, bills, food. I took those things for granted when I lived with my dad. It seems like, no matter how many hours I work, I can’t get ahead of it all. I’ve been working odd jobs on the side just to be able to save a little.”
“I could ask my dad if he needs an extra part-time guy in the shop, if you want. Lately, it seems like, no matter how many repairs we get out, we’re constantly behind.”
As soon as I made the suggestion, I regretted it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to help Ethan because I did. I was simply nervous over the thought of spending actual face-to-face time with him with other people around, especially my dad. The man never missed a thing. Plus, Ethan and I were already so close. If I spent time with him, I knew we would only grow closer.
“You would really do that for me?” he asked, sounding surprised.
The look of hope on his face made me forget any regret I’d had about my offer.
“Of course. I’ll talk to him on Monday. I can’t promise anything since he’s a hard-ass, but I’ll try to help you.”
“That’s more than most people would do.” He stared at me. “You’re one of the kindest people I’ve met. People like you are hard to come by.”
“Wow, all I did was offer you a job, Ethan. It’s not like I’m handing over free money or anything.”
He grinned. “I know, but most people just brush off someone else’s problems and focus on their own. You offered to help me without a second thought.”
“Yes, I’m your fairy godmother. Remember this conversation if you end up with the job. I’m the nice girl who got you a barely above minimum-wage job where you have to work on cars all day. Cinderella only wishes she had ended up with a fairy godmother as cool as me.”
He chuckled. “You didn’t used to be this sarcastic. At least, I don’t remember you being like this before.”
“I was shy in school, hardly said anything to anyone. I guess having a child brought me out of my shell. Sadly, for everyone around me, my sarcasm flows freely now.”
“I like your sarcasm,” Ethan said. “I like a lot of things about you actually.”
“What else do you like about me? Besides my glowing personality, of course.”
“I like how open you are with me. I don’t know if you’re like this with everyone else or not—”
“I’m not,” I interrupted him. “I’m usually so closed off that no one can figure out what I’m thinking. With you, it’s easy for me to spill my problems. I don’t know why. Maybe because when I messaged you that first night, you were a stranger to me. I mean, I knew you, but it had been years.
“I assumed I’d message you for a little bit that night and then never speak with you again. I never planned on staying in touch or considering you as a friend again. Then, something happened, and we kept on talking. I was so at ease with you that I just kept on talking. I still am. Maybe, one day, I’ll finally shut up.”
“I’m glad I make you comfortable,” he said after a moment. “Something tells me that you haven’t felt at ease for a long time.”
“I haven’t. I’ve felt trapped in my own life. I’m always trying to put on a happy face for those around me, so they won’t realize how I feel. Even my own parents have no idea how bad things have gotten. I think my dad knows I fight with Joey. I mean, it’s hard to hide how I feel all the time, but Dad doesn’t know the severity of it all.”
“You just needed someone to confide in, and I came along at just the right time,” Ethan said.
I nodded. “You did. I hadn’t even realized I was missing something until we started talking. It’s been so long since I’ve had a friend, a real friend, to talk to.”
“That’s me—a real friend.” He stared across the pond.
“I think you might be the best friend I’ve ever had,” I said, surprised to realize that it was the truth. “Actually, I know you are. I’ve never had anyone like you before.”
He glanced over at me and gave me a half-smile. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything,” I said.
“Have you ever felt like you started out doing something with the best of intentions, but before you knew it, it ended up feeling wrong?” His face was completely devoid of emotion, as if he had put up a wall between us.
“I’m not sure I understand the question,” I said after a moment.
“Never mind. It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m just overthinking certain things in my life.”
“Okay…” I said, unsure of what else to say.
We spent the next hour or so in almost total silence, only speaking occasionally. The whole scene felt so peaceful that I didn’t want to disturb it with unnecessary chatter. It seemed that I rarely had moments of silence to appreciate, so I was savoring every moment.
The silence was broken when Ethan suddenly spoke up, “I met someone.”
I looked over at him. “Met someone?”
He cleared his throat. “A girl. I’ve known her for a while, but for the last few months, we’ve been talking a lot. She wants more than just friendship.”
“Oh,” I said, surprised. “How do you know what she wants?”
“She flat-out told me,” he said.
“Why haven’t you mentioned her before?”
“I guess she just never came up before now.”
“I see.” I wondered why my stomach suddenly felt like someone had dropped a lead weight onto it. “So, what did you tell her?”
“I told her that I’d have to think about it for a while.”
“Why? Are you not into her that way?”
He seemed to hesitate for a moment before answering, “I am, kind of. I just…I don’t know. I guess I’ve had other things on my mind lately.”
“Well, if you like her and she’s a nice girl, I say, go for it. If it doesn’t work out, at least you know you tried.” I frowned as the weight in my stomach seemed to double with my words. “But if she tries to tell you that you can’t talk to me, I might harm her. Just saying.”
“Like I’d let her come between us.” He snorted. “If she gave me some kind of ultimatum crap, I’d instantly send her packing.”
“At least I know you’re as invested in our friendship as I am.” I tried to joke, but the words came out flat. “Really though, do what feels right.”
He frowned. “What feels right isn’t possible.”
I gave him a questioning look, but before I could ask what he’d meant by that, I felt a hard tug on my line. I automatically jerked the pole back and started reeling the line in.
“Holy crap, I think I’ve finally caught something!” I said, excitement filling my voice. “It feels like it’s a monster!”
“Well, come on, reel it in.” He helped me stand up.
“I’m trying. It feels like it weighs a ton.” I struggled.
We both watched the surface of the water as I continued reeling the line in, waiting for my monster fish to surface. Finally, when I was starting to wonder if I would ever reel all my line in, the fish broke the surface. Before I could even register what it was, I heard Ethan howling with laughter beside me.
“A monster fish, huh?” He managed to get out between bouts of laughter.
I looked
at the fish on the end of my hook as it fought to break free. My monster fish was nothing more than a bluegill. Granted, it was a bit bigger than most bluegill around this area but not by much.
“I’m glad you didn’t snag a catfish. If you had, it probably would have pulled you into the water since this little guy gave you so much trouble.” Ethan chuckled.
“Shut up! It felt like it was huge, okay?”
“Sure it did.” He patted my hand in a sympathetic teasing manner before reaching forward and grabbing the fish off my hook. “Do you want to take a picture with it before I throw it back in?”
“Toss it back into the water before I stab you in the eyeball with my hook,” I shot back.
Ethan was still laughing as he threw it back into the water. “There. Now, it’s free to torture some other poor girl. Imagine if it gets an inch bigger. Grown men won’t be able to reel it in.”
I flipped him off. “Enough tormenting.”
“Sorry, I’ll stop,” he said as he grinned over at me.
“Actually, I need to get back anyway. I have to go to the grocery store. Amelia is getting dangerously low on diapers.” I checked my phone. “Plus, I have no service out here. It makes me nervous. If something happened with her, my mom couldn’t get ahold of me.”
Elusive Love Page 4