He walked to the counter where I was standing. “I know you’re going through a lot right now, but don’t let that cloud your judgment.”
I gave him a questioning look. “What do you mean?”
“Ethan. He seems like a good man, but that doesn’t mean he is. You’re vulnerable right now. I don’t want him to take advantage of you.”
“Ethan? Take advantage of me?” I laughed. “Dad, you couldn’t be further from the truth. He’s my friend, and he’s helping me deal with everything.”
“Just promise me that you’ll be careful with your…friend,” he said, his voice firm.
“I promise, I’ll be careful, but I assure you that you have absolutely nothing to worry about when it comes to Ethan.”
“I hope not,” my father mumbled, his eyes moving to the door again. “For his sake, I sure as hell hope not.”
The rest of the week had passed by quickly, turning into a routine. I’d wake up, go to work, text Joey, receive either complete silence or rude texts back, speak with Ethan, and go home. At home, I would do my best to avoid my mother. So far, we’d managed not to get into any more fights—but just barely.
Ethan and I didn’t talk much about what was going on. He would make sure I was okay, and that was it. I knew he was giving me the space I needed. He never once mentioned my scene at his house or anything else that would add more stress to my life.
By Thursday, I’d had my fill of Joey and his explicitly rude text messages. I’d tried to call him once or twice, only to have it go straight to his voice mail. My patience had worn out faster than I’d thought possible. I’d had enough of his hate. It wasn’t my fault that we were in this situation. Maybe that was why he’d been refusing to communicate with me. He knew it, too. I knew I hadn’t been a perfect wife, but I’d tried. I’d tried so hard that I’d slowly started to destroy myself.
Friday morning, I caught my dad as he was heading off to work. He was opening his car door when I hurried outside to him.
“Dad! Hey, do you have a second?” I shouted as I tried to catch him before he left.
He paused and turned to me. “What’s wrong?”
I stopped next to him and glanced back at the house to make sure my mother wasn’t watching us. “I need to take this morning off, possibly all day.” I never missed work unless Amelia was sick.
He raised an eyebrow. “Why? What’s happened?”
“Nothing. I need to go to the courthouse though. I’ve tried talking to Joey all week, and he won’t listen. I’m going to go file for divorce on my own.”
My father seemed surprised by my decision. Usually, I let Joey and everyone else walk all over me. It was as much of a shock to him as it was to me that I was finally taking control of my life.
“That’s fine. I’ll handle the counter for you today.”
“Thanks, Dad.” I reached up and hugged him. “I’ll see you later!”
“Be careful,” he called as I walked to my car.
“Always,” I called over my shoulder.
I waited until he’d pulled down the driveway before backing my car out of my temporary parking spot in front of his. I drove through town, my stomach a bundle of nerves, as I thought about what I was about to do.
After I filed, there would be no going back. The thought exhilarated and terrified me all at once. Picturing me on my own in the cold, cruel world was a scary thing, but I was determined to do it.
I would prove Joey and everyone else wrong. I was worth something. I didn’t need anyone to help me or take care of me. For the first time in my life, I was taking control of my own destiny.
I reached the courthouse in what seemed like no time at all. I circled the block a few times before finally finding a parking spot. Once I shut my car off, I climbed out of the car and locked it. The building loomed up ahead, looking far scarier than I’d remembered. I knew it was just my mind playing tricks on me. The courthouse was the same building I’d walked into when Joey and I went to get our marriage license. It hadn’t seemed scary then. The only thing that had changed between then and now was me.
I walked up the steps of the courthouse, my hand wrapped tightly around my purse, as I fought against my nerves. When I stepped inside, there was a line that was several people long, all waiting to go through the metal detectors and into the rest of the courthouse. The line moved swiftly, and I was soon handing over my purse and emptying my pockets.
After I had been cleared, I nervously looked around the lobby. I had no idea where to go from here.
“Do you need some help, sweetheart?” a voice asked from behind me.
I turned to see one of the security guards, a dark-haired man who looked only a few years older than me. Watching me, his expression was kind. He seemed genuinely interested in helping me.
“I’m not sure where I need to go,” I said after a moment.
“What do you need to do? I can send you to the right department.”
Suddenly ashamed of the fact that I had failed at my marriage, I looked down at the ground. “I need to get paperwork…” I paused. “To file for divorce.”
“Ah, gotcha,” he said. “Been there myself.”
I looked up, surprised that he had told me, a complete stranger, something like that.
“Take that elevator over there up to the third floor. When you exit, turn left. Go through the second door on the right side of the hallway. They’ll get you taken care of.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“You’re welcome. And don’t look so glum, sweetheart. I’m sure life seems rough right now, but it’ll get better. It always does.”
I smiled politely before turning away and heading toward the elevator. When it opened, I stepped onto it along with three or four other people. I wrinkled my nose at the musty smell inside, glad that it would be a short trip up to the third floor. The ride up was silent. The doors slid open again, and I exited. I followed the security guard’s directions and headed to the second door on the right.
When I stepped inside, the room was empty, except for two clerks who stood on the opposite side of a counter that separated the room.
One of them, an older woman with a no-nonsense vibe, walked over to the counter. “Can I help you?” she asked.
“I need paperwork,” I said.
She raised an eyebrow. “Okay…what kind of paperwork do you need?”
“I’m not sure. I want to file for divorce, but I’m not sure what all that entails,” I admitted.
The woman frowned at me for a moment before turning away. I watched as she walked across the room to a row of filing cabinets. She opened one and flipped through it before pulling out a manila envelope. She returned to the counter and handed it to me. It felt heavier than I’d expected.
“You need to fill these out. There are also forms in there for your husband. If you’re on amicable terms with him, you can fill everything out together. If not, fill out what is required from yourself, and your lawyer will handle serving your husband with the divorce papers.”
“A lawyer?” I asked, my stomach sinking.
I couldn’t afford a lawyer. Joey wouldn’t be able to either unless he had money stashed away that I didn’t know about. I doubted that though. He’d never been one to save money.
I could practically see the mental eye roll the clerk gave me.
“Yes, a lawyer. If you’re not on amicable terms with your husband, you will each need a lawyer to settle your assets and custody terms for your children, if you have them.”
“Oh, okay,” I said, feeling stupid.
“Is there anything else I can help you with?” she asked, her tone making it clear that she didn’t want to.
“No, that’s it. Thank you.”
I left the office, clutching the divorce papers to my chest. My mind was racing, trying to process the fact that I was too broke to properly file for divorce. If Joey fought me over anything, anything at all, I would be screwed. I would either be trapped in this marriage with him, or I would go into debt fr
om trying to break free.
I had a sick feeling in my stomach by the time I made it to my car. I climbed in and locked the doors before opening the envelope and pulling out the paperwork inside. My eyes widened as I looked through what seemed like an endless amount of forms. There was another set meant for Joey as well.
I read through each one, unable to believe it was this hard to file for divorce. When Joey and I had decided to get married, all we’d had to do was go to the courthouse and pay our fee to get a license.
Handling all of this would be hard enough if Joey were with me on it, but if he wasn’t, things were going to get brutal and fast.
“I’ve got to talk to him,” I said aloud, “and make him see reason.”
He’d ignored my calls and texts, so I didn’t bother trying to do either again. I knew the only way he would talk to me was if we were face-to-face. That would bring on additional complications, but I knew it was the only thing I could do.
I still had my keys to the apartment. He knew I hadn’t been back there since I’d asked for the divorce. I was ninety-nine percent sure that he was still staying there.
A plan formed in my mind. He would be home tomorrow morning. If I waited until he was there and showed up, unannounced, I could hopefully catch him. I knew I would be able to get in whether he wanted me to or not. I was sure our meeting wouldn’t go well, but I had to make him see that this would be the best thing for both of us.
He had to understand. He just had to.
The next day, I waited impatiently for the shop to close down. I didn’t dare let Ethan or my dad know that I planned to confront Joey on my own. I knew both of them would have the same response, thinking it was a bad idea. I knew it was a bad idea too, but that didn’t mean that I was going to let them stop me.
When the shop finally closed down, I hightailed it out of there without so much as a good-bye to anyone. I was sure that would make Ethan suspicious, but it was better than standing around, making idle chitchat, as I tried to find a way to escape.
I pulled into our apartment building’s lot just a short time later. I scanned the lot, relieved to see Joey’s truck parked in his normal spot. I parked next to him and headed inside, the envelope with the divorce papers clutched in my hand. I didn’t bother to knock when I reached our door. Instead, I stuck my key in and unlocked it. I silently slipped inside and locked the door behind me.
Joey was nowhere to be seen in the entryway or living room. I peeked into the kitchen, only to find it empty as well. Our bathroom door was open with the light off, so I knew he wouldn’t be in there either. That left our bedroom.
I sighed as I headed toward it, hoping that Joey wasn’t asleep. He was grumpy on a good day. In the mornings, he would be pure evil when I had to wake him up. If he were asleep, I might as well forget trying to talk to him about anything at all.
The door was open just a crack, enough that the light spilled through. I peeked in and was relieved to see Joey sitting up in bed, his eyes focused on the television we had on our dresser. I pushed the door open, and his head jerked up in surprise. That surprise quickly turned to anger as his eyes met mine.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he demanded.
I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me. I rested my back against it, too afraid to step any closer to Joey.
In his worst moments, he had shoved me around like a rag doll. He’d never hit me, but there was always a first time for everything. I didn’t want that to happen now.
“We need to talk,” I stated the obvious.
“Like hell we do,” he growled. “I think you said enough the other day to last us both a lifetime. Get out of here—now.”
I shook my head. “No, I’m not leaving until we talk this out.” I held up the manila envelope so that he could see it. “I brought this with me. I thought maybe we could fill out the paperwork together. There’s stuff we need to try to do together, things that apply to Amelia.”
“What is that?” he asked, his eyes glued on the packet.
“I think you know what it is.”
“Divorce papers.” It wasn’t a question but a statement.
“Yeah, divorce papers.” I took a hesitant step toward the bed and then another.
When he didn’t jump up and start tossing things at me, I decided it was safe to approach him.
“I don’t want us to hate each other by the end of this,” I said as I pulled his set of forms out. I’d put his papers in a folder for him before I left for work this morning. I handed the folder to him and sat down next to him on the bed. “We can still come out of this as friends. Please help me do that.”
He looked over at me, and it was then I noticed the tears in his eyes. I had never, not even once, seen this man cry. It shocked me into silence. Without thinking, I reached over and put my hand over his. He put the folder on the bed and placed his other hand over mine.
He gently squeezed my hand. “Do you really want to end us?” he asked.
The pain I felt in that moment was indescribable as I said the word I knew would only hurt him, “Yes.”
He looked as if I’d punched him in the gut and then kicked him while he was down. “How can you say that?”
“Because…look at us. We don’t love each other, Joey, not the way we should. Clearly, we still care about each other, but that’s it. Together, we’re toxic for each other, nothing but poison.”
“This doesn’t feel like poison,” he said as he squeezed my hand.
“No, but these past few years, almost every other moment of our lives has been. You and I both know it.” I pulled my hand away from his. “The only good that has come from us is Amelia. She’s still good, Joey. She won’t remember our fights or my crying. She won’t remember both of us being miserable. I don’t want out just for me. I want out for her, too. She deserves better than this.”
“And what about me? What do I deserve?” he asked, a roughness in his voice, warning me that I’d need to tread carefully.
“You deserve to find happiness, too. There’s a woman out there for you, one who will love you in a way I can’t.” I reached over and picked up the folder. I opened it and pulled out the papers inside. “We can fill these out together. It’ll make it better for everyone, especially Amelia.”
He shook his head and scooted away from me until he was on the other side of the bed. He stood and started pacing, his eyes glued on the papers in my hand. “I can’t do this right now, Caley. I’m not ready to let you go.”
“You can’t keep me,” I said softly.
“I can sure as hell try.”
I fought not to let my anger rise to the surface. “Fine. You have one week to think this over. Either we can do this together, or I’ll file for myself, and you’ll have to deal with the consequences of that.”
He seemed taken aback by my words. “You would really do that, wouldn’t you?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I would.” I just hope I don’t have to.
I didn’t dare tell him the predicament it would put both of us in if he tried to fight me. If he knew, he would refuse just to spite me.
“You’ve been changing, Caley. You might not see it, but I do,” he said after a moment.
I gave him a quizzical look. “What do you mean?”
“You’re not the same person you were when we met. Hell, you’re not even the same woman you were six months ago. Something inside of you has been changing. I’ve noticed it here and there over the last few months, but in this moment, I can see it now more than ever. You’re stronger. You used to be scared of your own shadow. Now, you’re standing up to me, demanding a divorce you never even thought about before.”
I shrugged. “Maybe change is a good thing.”
“It can be.” He studied me for a moment. “I just wish I knew what had caused it.”
Ethan. I knew without a doubt that it was him.
His support had made me feel stronger. Without doing anything more than listening, he had given me the c
hance to start things over again. I didn’t dare tell Joey that though.
“I guess I finally grew up. Maybe I’m seeing value in myself for the first time.”
He didn’t say anything for a minute, clearly at a loss for words. Finally, he cleared his throat. “I want to see Amelia.”
“You can see her anytime. I never said you couldn’t. All you have to do is ask,” I told him.
“Can I have her today and tomorrow? I’ll bring her back to your parents’ house tomorrow night.”
“Of course. She’ll be glad to see you.” I smiled. “I left some of her things here for you.”
“Thanks.” He seemed surprised that I wasn’t fighting him over Amelia.
“You know, my intention was never to keep her from you. I hope you know that.” I motioned to the folder lying on the bed. “There are forms that we have to fill out regarding custody. I really hope you’ll allow us to do those together. It’d be much easier than going to court over it.”
“Give me time,” he said sharply. “Right now, all I want is to see my daughter.”
“Then, let’s go get her,” I said. “When next weekend rolls around, you can let me know your decision about whether or not you want to do this together or else things are going to get difficult.”
He gave no response.
The look on my mother’s face when I walked in with Joey was priceless. She looked back and forth between us, her mouth hanging open in surprise. It was a rare thing to strike my mother speechless, and I enjoyed every second of it.
“Joey’s here to get Amelia,” I said, not giving her a chance to say something that would make things worse for Joey or me. “Where is she?”
“Asleep in your room,” my mother said, a frown appearing on her face.
“Come on,” I told Joey.
I turned and headed to my room, Joey following behind me. He knew my mother well enough to know that he didn’t want to be alone with her, especially now. He’d used every excuse he could think of over the years to avoid spending time here. I was sure that he was now more uncomfortable than ever.
When we made it to my room, Joey closed the door behind us. “How’s living with your mom going?”
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