I rolled to the side, grabbed the Post-it notes, and wrote him another. Do you want to have sex?
I’d never been so bold in my entire life. Or so terrified. I never took chances when it came to chasing after what I wanted with men. Which probably explained why I’d spent all of my twenties alone. But I wanted this. In this moment, if I had to choose between winning the lottery and Joe, I’d choose Joe. He was the freaking lottery.
He read my note and quickly wrote me a response: No
No explanation. No nothing. Just straightforward rejection. I felt crushed . . . and embarrassed. It didn’t help matters that I wasn’t wearing any pants. I sat up, nudging him away, working quickly to pull my skirt back into place.
I didn’t know that after such a short amount of time he could hold any power to hurt me. But he did. Because this fucking hurt.
“If we’re all finished, then can I go?” he asked as he grabbed the Post-it notes one last time. He started writing as he spoke, “It’s after five.”
He handed over what he’d written.
It said: Come over tomorrow?
I stared blankly at him.
He wrote again: Please. I want to see you. Just us. 10:00
I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just ask me that out loud. Was it easier to say it written on Post-it notes? But, despite the delivery, I couldn’t say no to him. Even if I still felt hurt.
I nodded.
Then, as if the last few minutes hadn’t been strange enough, he wrapped his arms around me and engulfed me in a hug. Not an ordinary hug or a hug between friends—no, this was the kind of hug that makes you pause and reevaluate your life. I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had hugged me so fully.
Joe broke his embrace, stepped away, and left my office. I spent the next few moments putting my underwear back on and gathering all the discarded pieces of paper from off the floor.
***
I barely slept that night. Around four in the morning, when it became apparent that I’d never get any rest, I got up and started to get ready. Fueled by coffee and anticipation, I showered and blew out my hair. Then I sat on the floor in my room, in front of my full-length mirror, and meticulously put on my makeup.
It wasn’t like Joe had asked me to lunch or dinner. He asked me to his house, at ten in the morning. What did that mean? I hardly knew how to dress for this. I spent over an hour trying on different outfits. I decided on the sundress that I’d worn to Chase and Tiffany’s wedding. It fit me well and was the nicest casual thing I had. I still couldn’t believe the news that Abe had shared, about how they were getting a divorce.
At nine forty-five, I pulled up in front of Joe’s house. There were a couple of cars in his driveway. He’d said we’d be alone, so I didn’t know whose cars they might be. I tried sitting there, waiting for the fifteen remaining minutes to tick by, but frankly, I was going freaking crazy in my nervousness.
“Oh, to hell with it,” I said out loud and climbed out of the car.
I didn’t care that I was early.
I walked up and knocked on the door. It sounded like there was loud music playing on the other side. Was Joe having a party? I nearly turned around, to head back to my car, but before I could step away, Kitty answered the door. She’d been laughing, but the moment her eyes connected with mine, she stopped.
“That little shit,” she cursed. “Of course, this would happen.”
“Um.” I hardly knew how to respond. “Hi.”
“Hi,” she answered, glancing down at my dress with raised eyebrows.
When she didn’t immediately move aside to let me in, I said, “Do you have a problem with me seeing your brother or just with my dress? Because the last time we saw each other, I got a lecture on letting my ‘freak flag fly.’ So, I really don’t want your judgment —about Joe or about my choices in clothing.”
She cracked a small smile, laughing off my comment, but also immediately moving aside for me.
With a sigh, I stepped into the house.
But as I did, the moment I saw the crowded living room, I immediately wished I hadn’t.
“Hey everybody, this is Lana!” Kitty shouted above the music.
“Lana!” they cheered.
“C’mon, sit down,” Kitty urged.
One of her friends, a very large man with lots of little braids, who was smoking a joint, moved over to make room for me on the couch.
I didn’t want to offend him by not taking the offered spot, so I squeezed, awkwardly, next to him.
“I’m Larry,” he said. Then the man offered me his joint.
“No, thanks,” I politely refused. “Um, where’s Joe?”
Kitty, bopping her head to the music, answered, “I don’t know. We just got here like five minutes before you. Relax, Lana. Larry won’t bite.”
It became very clear to me that she was ten levels of fucked-up right now. And this was likely the after, after party to what had been a very long night. They all seemed mellow and just about ready to pass out. The man next to me, once again, tried to offer me his joint. Again, I shook my head, starting to feel a little uncomfortable.
Just then Joe came rushing down the stairs—soaking wet, in nothing but a towel, with anger on his face. “What the hell are you doing, Kitty?” His hands landed on his hips. Oh, damn, I did not need to see him half-naked and wet. My mouth dropped open as I watched him yell. He had abs I wanted to touch—no, lick. And more tattoos than I knew. The veins in the muscles in his arms stood out, causing my whole body to just kind of melt euphorically into the couch.
Wait! Was it possible to get a ‘contact high’ from close proximity to marijuana? I didn’t think so, but I also wasn’t entirely sure if what I felt came from the smoke in the room or from seeing Joe’s naked chest. Probably the latter.
“I thought I heard music in the shower. You know my rules! You’re not supposed to bring any drugs or alcohol into the house. Why can’t you respect that?” Joe was so mad that he was shaking. For the most part, Kitty’s small party didn’t seem that bad to me. I mean, she wasn’t hurting anyone. But if this was Joe’s house, and not hers, and she knew Joe had addiction issues, then she needed to respect that.
“We’re not drinking. We’re not doing drugs. We’re just smoking,” Kitty argued. “You’re too uptight, big brother. Slow down. Sit down. Relax with us.”
“Lana’s supposed to be here any minute. What do you think she’s—”
“News flash, she’s already here.”
Joe hadn’t seen me smooshed beside Larry on the couch. But he saw me now. His eyes met mine and his face tensed. He said no more to Kitty, only pushed past her, stretching out a hand for me to take. I took it, and he pulled me to my feet. He led me out of the living room, away from everyone else, and up the stairs to his room.
The moment we were inside, he closed and locked the door behind us.
His breath came out in short, sharp exhales. He tugged at his hair, running his fingers through the wet strands, brushing it out of his eyes as he paced the room. The pain on his face told me that he wasn’t just angry that Kitty had disobeyed his rules, he was also hurt.
I wish I knew what to say or do to help. I just stood there, my back against the door, trying to figure out the right words. I didn’t have any siblings; I didn’t know what it felt like to worry the way he clearly was. “Joe,” I said softly to get his attention. “What can I do?”
I think he’d forgotten I was in the room. And for a moment, I had a flashback to a friend of mine from my freshman year of college, Doug. He had issues with anger. He had problems controlling his temper, particularly with me it always seemed. We were no longer friends, not for many years, but this shot of terror ran through me as I feared Joe would take out some of his anger over Kitty on me.
That didn’t happen.
I shouldn’t have feared it. Not even for a second. If anything, I was starting to notice that Joe was a little bit protective of me. His attention shifted to me and he came over
and hugged me, just like before. “I’m so sorry,” he apologized as he held on tight. “I didn’t know they’d all be here. I’m sorry you had to be exposed to that.”
Just like the first hug, this one provoked similar feelings. I swallowed hard, unsure what to make of whatever I now felt clutching tightly around my heart. “I don’t care that they’re here,” I choked out, giving in and hugging him back. I especially enjoyed the feel of his warm, naked skin under my fingertips. “I don’t feel like I was exposed to anything at all. This is Oregon, after all. I’ve seen it before.”
He buried his face in my neck, about to say something else, but he broke the hug and suddenly stepped back. “You smell like weed,” he said pointedly. “I don’t like it.”
I glared at him. We did not know each well enough for him to be so blunt with me. “I can’t really help it . . . I was sitting right next to it. Would you like me to go home? Go home and shower?” I grew angry as I spoke, my words continued to come out more sarcastic. Joe had some nerve to say that to me when I’d come over here for him. “Or would you like me to just go?”
“No, the last thing I want is for you to go. Not when I just got you here.”
I breathed in deeply. “What am I even doing here?”
What was I doing here? I was his boss. I should probably start acting like it.
I suddenly felt extremely silly in the dress I’d picked out today. Like I was trying to be something I wasn’t.
“I simply meant,” Joe said, “that I really like how you normally smell. And that I don’t like you smelling like my past. I didn’t finish in the shower before. Get in with me.”
Holy shit! Was he serious?
Yes. By the way he looked at me—with his eyelids half open and a mischievous smile playing on his lips—I knew he was absolutely serious. That smile and those eyes of his had way too much power over me.
Way too much.
CHAPTER 13
JOE
It was like I couldn’t help myself. Like someone said, ‘You can’t eat that cookie,’ and then suddenly, the only thing I could think about was eating the damn cookie. Doug had not been specific about crossing any sort of lines with Lana. If anything, when we’d first discussed this, he’d mentioned something about Lana being a ‘cold fish.’ So, I don’t think this possibility even occurred to him.
Well, as it happened, Lana was the furthest thing from a ‘cold fish.’ More like a little firecracker, when properly lit, that would go off in an instant, burning hot and brilliant. I had this feeling that if Doug ever found out I was messing around with her, he’d lose his shit. But what Doug didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. He hadn’t noticed anything weird from yesterday’s recording so I figured I could keep exploring this.
And right now, I wanted to explore the hell out of her in the shower. I hated that when I went to hug her, when I’d smelled her hair, that instead of smelling her normally sweet scent, I’d had a flashback of the woman I’d spent the last two years working to forget.
I needed to wash that smell off her.
I needed to keep her separate from the life I used to live. She was already tied into it because of Doug, but it was easy to pretend Doug didn’t exist each time I touched her. I wanted to touch her again. I wanted to forget again.
“Get in with me.”
I tugged at her hand, but something was holding her back. Insecurities, maybe. Doubt, maybe. I wasn’t sure. I dropped her hand because she needed some evidence. She needed to see the physical effect she had over me. I untucked my towel, letting it fall to the floor, leaving nothing but the air between my naked body and her clothed body.
Her eyes went wide and her cheeks flushed pink as she took in all of me. I was hard, and I was hung. I knew this. I’d gained a reputation for it in my old life. I used to be proud of it. But when I realized I was being used just for my cock—and not just by the woman who’d raped me, but by all the women I slept with—I developed a resentment toward it. One I lumped right in with all my other issues.
“Jesus, Joe,” she breathed out. “Um. That’s . . .. I’m . . .. Yeah.” Her eyes moved down my body and over my erection once more. “That’s impressive.” She bit down on her lip, her eyes moving back to mine. I could see I was terrifying her. Okay . . . that hadn’t been my intention, either.
“I’m not showing you this to intimidate you,” I said softly, wishing I’d kept my towel on. Why did I have to be so damn impulsive all the time? “I’m showing you so you know how hard the idea of seeing you wet and naked in my shower makes me. Lana, I have my issues—with alcohol, and I’m sure you’re starting to notice with sex too. Yesterday, when you asked me to be with you like that, I wanted to. You have no idea how fucking badly I wanted to strip off your clothes and bury my cock so deep inside you. I still want to. But I can’t. If you decide to get in the shower with me, know that I can’t. I can’t, and I won’t cross that line.”
I took in a deep breath.
“Joe Coffee. Twenty-four. Barista. Lover of life. Those things I tell myself that I am, the happiness and confidence I exuded, but it’s all bullshit.”
I stared at her, waiting to see what she might say. I think, once again, I’d dropped all my baggage at her feet to test how she’d react. To see if she’d run screaming in the opposite direction. Maybe it was my way of protecting her—from me and from Doug.
But she didn’t run. She stayed.
And, oh God. I swallowed hard when her response to my words was to silently take off her dress. I felt helpless, and paralyzed, and could only watch as the material slipped to the ground. She wore a white strapless bra and white underwear, which she removed each in turn.
“Lana . . .” I muttered. I was in physical pain, and it took everything in me not to touch myself or her as I took in the sight of her body. “You’re killing me, woman.”
On a ten-point scale, she was a twelve. Her tits were just the right size, round and perky, her nipples were screaming to be licked. She had a thin waist, and hips I wanted to dig my fingertips into.
“Give me a five-minute head start, and then you’re welcome to join me in the bathroom,” she said. “If you want . . ..”
I blew out a breath, tugging my hands through my hair. “I’m not sure I’ll still be sane in five minutes, but okay.”
“I think you’ll manage.”
She left me—she and her fine ass left me.
I paced my room, naked and aching, debating with myself over whether or not I was ready to have sex again and put the past behind me. I suddenly felt damn ready. I mean, my hands were shaking from how badly I wanted Lana, specifically to get off inside her.
I flopped down on my bed, closed my eyes, waited the five longest minutes of my life. Until I felt Lana softly nudge my shoulder.
“You never came,” she said, sounding disappointed and unsure.
I opened my eyes to her standing over me, wet and in one of my towels. Her hair was washed, and her pretty face stripped of makeup. I liked how naturally beautiful she was. I liked seeing her like this in my room. I liked that she was cracking all my barriers.
“Sometimes time moves differently for me. I think it’s part of my ADHD.”
She nodded, her eyes downcast.
“Seriously. I was going to come to you.”
“Okay. I believe you.”
I wasn’t entirely sure she did. I needed to show her otherwise. Swiftly, I moved to lift her at her waist, and I pulled her in place on top of me.
She let out a laugh at my sudden movement. But then her smile faded into something else entirely as she straddled my hips, my dick close to her center, pressing against her stomach. She stared down at me as her breath hitched. The look of desire on her face was something I’d never forget. I pushed away her towel so I could see all of her.
God, she was so fucking beautiful.
Unable to resist, I ran my fingers over her stomach and lower. This was dangerously close to the position I’d been violated in, but somehow I didn’
t care.
“Just don’t touch me,” I told Lana.
She nodded.
I pressed my thumb to her clit. I was quickly falling in lust with her pussy. I moved in slow, lazy circles. There was no need for me to rush, we had all day. I wiggled a little under her, nudging my cock a little harder against her stomach. She brought her hands above her head briefly, awkwardly, then put them on her hips.
“On my chest,” I offered.
She placed them on my chest, leaning her weight against me. “Joe,” she moaned, closing her eyes, getting into it now, grinding against my hand. “Whoever hurt you. I will kill them with my bare hands if that opportunity ever comes.”
I paused.
Shocked.
Confused.
A little angry at myself for revealing so much to her. And a little surprised by her fierceness.
She opened her eyes. “Sorry. That was just a guess.”
An accurate guess.
Grunting, I rolled Lana onto her back. My momentum changed from slow to fast, from gentle to rough. I sucked one of her nipples into my mouth, dragging my teeth against her skin, before I broke away to ask, “Are you on any sort of birth control?”
“Yes,” she breathed, her chest moving up and down a little faster. “The pill.”
“Do I have your permission?”
“For what?”
“For anything.”
A second passed before she whispered, “Yes.”
Why did she have to be so perfectly accepting of all my weirdness? I kind of hated it. I kind of liked it.
I slammed my lips to her, kissing her with every bit of emotion I felt. Anger. Pain. Sadness. Hope. Excitement. It all rolled together, and I took it out on Lana’s mouth.
If I could have fucked her senseless, I would have. But I couldn’t, so I did the next best thing.
Taking my cock in my hand, I brought the head of my erection up against her entrance. Her pretty mouth dropped open, and she stared at me with wide, slightly frightened eyes, waiting for it.
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