by Lane Hayes
I held him close until he stopped shaking, then gently untangled myself before swiping my fingers through the cum on my stomach. “Hey, at least this should be easier to clean, right?”
“Ha. Anything would be easier to clean than that marinara splatter,” he teased before pointing at the counter next to the stove. “I think we missed a spot.”
“No more cleaning tonight.” I kissed his temple, then picked him up and carried him to the shower before he decided to grab a sponge and get to work.
Later that night, we lay naked together in bed, talking. I leaned over to turn off the light, when Aaron brought up my mom’s earlier phone call.
“So, did your mom ask why you were making dinner? I mean, wasn’t she a little surprised?”
“It would be more accurate to say she laughed and asked if you liked Cheerios for dinner. Yeah, she was surprised. She figured I was making an effort for someone special. Her words, not mine. I mean…you are special. I’m just repeating…never mind.”
Aaron lay on his side, facing me, his head resting on his hands.
“What you’re trying to say without saying it is that she assumed you were wining and dining a girl. Correct?”
I let out a deep breath and rolled to face him, running my hand down his toned arm and over the curve of his hip.
“Yes, that’s what she assumed, but not what I told her.”
“Got it,” he replied matter-of-factly.
“I have something to tell you.” I sucked in a deep breath and exhaled slowly before blurting, “She’s coming to visit next week. I’m going to tell her about us.”
Silence.
“Are you sure?” he asked after what felt like ten minutes.
“Yes. I am. I’m…it’s time. I don’t want to go on like this, with them assuming one thing and me not correcting them because it’s easier that way. I want to be honest.”
“You don’t have to do it for me. You know that, right?”
“I’m doing it for both of us. We talked about this already. I’m ready to do it…to come out. But yeah…I’m scared.” I smiled wanly, sliding my fingers through his dark hair. “What was it like for you? How old were you?”
“Oh, please! You don’t think my parents caught on quick about me? I mean, seriously. I used to sneak into my parents’ closet and play dress-up in my mom’s high heels and jewelry. I talked, walked, and dressed just a little more fabulously than other boys right from the start. I think my family would have been more shocked if I said I was straight.”
“So how old were you? A teenager?”
“I didn’t say the words ‘I’m gay’ to them until I was eighteen. I left for college and when I came back to visit my parents for the first time, I finally felt the desire to say the words in plain English. Or maybe it was Spanish? I don’t remember. ‘I’m gay.’ They knew. I think my mom hugged me and my dad asked me to move aside and not block the television. Once the words were said, I felt better for it.”
“It won’t be that easy for me.”
“I know, Matty. I know.”
I didn’t know how things would go down, but I wasn’t going to kid myself into thinking my mom would accept my revelation without issue. I dreaded emotional scenes. All I could do was hope for the best.
Part 2-
Why is it that time always moves at a glacial pace when you’re anxious for something to happen and like a freight train when you would give anything to put a few minutes, or hours, back on the clock? My mom called me when her flight landed to let me know she was taking a taxi directly to her hotel. The plan was for me to meet her there for a drink and then dinner. She was sure to extend the invite to Aaron. Well, she meant Erin. I told her it would just be me tonight, that maybe she’d meet Aaron another time.
I was a jumble of nerves when I first walked into the opulent hotel lobby with its crystal chandeliers and dark-oak paneling. I checked my reflection in one of the massive mirrors flanking the reception area and decided my pressed khaki pants and blue oxford shirt would do as I made my way to the bar area. I spotted my mom sitting alone at a table near a window, nursing a glass of Chardonnay.
My mom had a no-nonsense fashion sense, but she always looked amazing. Her light-brown hair was streaked with blonde highlights like mine, although she assured me she paid for her blonde. She wore it parted to the side and straight to her shoulders. She’d never been much for anything other than basic cosmetics—lipstick and mascara, maybe. For a woman in her early fifties, she was often mistaken for ten years younger.
Her maternal senses must have sensed my approach, because she turned a second after I’d spotted her, and jumped to her feet to greet me. She wrapped me in one of her signature “mom” hugs that had me gasping for air.
“Oh, honey! You look so handsome.”
She signaled a waiter, then pointed to the chair across from her. Once my order was placed, she turned her full attention to me. I wondered if my smile looked as weak as it felt. If I wasn’t careful, she would think something was wrong. Nothing was wrong, I assured myself. This would be okay.
“So…how have you been?”
“Great. I’m looking forward to visiting my sister, but this is such a treat to come and see you on my own. A mini vacation!”
“Dad was too busy at work to join you?”
“Yes, we’ll come another time with your sisters. Aunt Jill and I had planned this visit a while ago. There is never a good time to take time off, really. Your dad will be fine. The girls will take care of him.” She grinned, inviting me to share the inside joke. My twin sisters were trouble. Not bad trouble, just mischievous. I smiled in return. That was the funny thing about family.…I had just seen everyone at my graduation and at the time I couldn’t wait to see them off, but now I missed them all over again. I’d always known I was lucky to come from a tight-knit, loving group. They were good people. I hoped I didn’t lose them. The thought made me feel nauseous.
“So, you’re busy studying?”
I nodded in response, taking a sip of my vodka tonic and glancing around the still-quiet bar. It was late afternoon, so the crowds wouldn’t begin to gather for another hour or so. We made idle conversation about her flight and the hotel. I didn’t mind keeping it up for as long as possible.
“What does your friend do? Did you meet her at school?”
“Huh?”
“Erin, right?”
“Oh, yes. Um…right.”
“Did the dinner go well? Did she like it? Please tell me I’ll get to meet her. Will she join us for dinner tonight? You were sure to extend the invitation, I hope. Well, did you?”
“Whoa! Geez, Mom.”
“Sorry. Just interested in my son’s life.” She inclined her head expectantly, then picked up her wineglass. “Well…”
“Um…I have something to tell you.”
Fuck! I couldn’t even look at her. This was unbelievable. This was my opportunity and I was playing things all wrong. I wanted to change the subject. I suddenly didn’t know if I could go through with it. I took a deep breath and looked over at my mom, hating the concern I saw in her eyes.
“What is it, honey? Are you okay?” She looked worried. I didn’t want her to think it was something serious like a major illness. I tried again. I looked her in the eye, opened my mouth, and nothing came out. Nothing.
“Matthew. You’re scaring me, honey. What is it?”
I bit the inside of my cheek. “Sorry. Um…”
“Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out. Is she pregnant?”
“What? Who?” Oh, brother. She was so off base, it should have been funny. Unfortunately, it wasn’t.
“Erin. Or is it someone else? Or are you sick? Or—”
“Mom. No.”
She narrowed her eyes and gave me that “mom” stare. The one that said she would figure this out with or without my assistance.
Come on, Matt. Spit it the fuck out. Tell her. You’re torturing both of you now.
“Matthew. You can tell
me anything. You know that.”
Her expression was so kind, so earnest, that I—honest to God—felt my eyes prick with tears. I firmly held them at bay. This was ridiculous. I was twenty-four, for fuck’s sake. I didn’t do tears. I was the guy who did the consoling. I wasn’t a crier.
“Yeah, I do. Um…here goes.” Another deep breath. “Aaron is a man.”
She narrowed her eyes and cocked her head curiously. “I don’t understand.”
“My special someone that you want to meet is a man, not a woman,” I blurted.
“Are you saying that you think you’re…gay?”
“Well, bi, but yeah. I’m with a man. Aaron.”
I did it. Wow. That was really fucking hard. But I did it. I said the words out loud. To my mom, no less. I had done this with Curt, Dave, Jason, and even some coworkers, but this was kind of a big deal. I felt ridiculously proud of myself.
Until I looked across the table and saw the utter confusion written all over her face.
“Gay? Matt, you aren’t gay. You’re almost twenty-five. You’ve had girlfriends and—are you playing with me? Is this a joke?”
“No. I’m not joking.” I looked around the bar to gauge how much of this conversation was going to reach the tables around us. We were good for now.
“I…I don’t understand,” she repeated. “I know you, Matthew.”
“Yes, but you didn’t know this part ’cause I didn’t tell you. It’s a weird conversation to have, and there was no reason to freak you out.”
“I’m not freaked out,” she insisted.
“You’re definitely freaked out.” I set my hand on hers briefly, then pulled away and tried to think of another way to explain. “Mom. I’ve always been this way. I’ve just never before acted on my attraction to guys. Until now.”
“But why now? Who is this person? Are you even sure? I mean, maybe it’s a phase or something like that.”
“If it’s a phase, I hope it lasts forever. Aaron’s amazing, Mom. A really great, sweet, wonderful guy. So am I sure? Yes. I’m very sure about him.”
Silence. She looked as if she didn’t know what to say.
“I’m sorry, Matt. I just…I wasn’t expecting this. At all.” She looked out the window as she tapped her fingernails against her wineglass.
“I know. I’m sure you’re surprised.”
“That’s an understatement,” she huffed unhappily. “Who is he? How did you meet this person? I just don’t understand how you can suddenly decide to like men instead of women. Is it possible?”
Now she sounded angry. I wasn’t sure if she was mad at me or Aaron or maybe herself for not knowing me.
“Slow down, Mom. You’re asking a lot of questions at once. I…look, I didn’t just decide I like men. I always have. You just didn’t know it. I didn’t tell you because it wasn’t something you needed to know then.”
“Because you had girlfriends. Like Kristin. You broke up with her before last Christmas, right?” She sat back as though suddenly rocked by a realization. “Was it because of this man?”
“First of all, his name is Aaron. Second, no. We broke up because it wasn’t working. I wasn’t invested in our relationship.”
“Because you were interested in him.”
“Partly, but I didn’t start seeing him until January. Actually, he insisted on moving slowly, so really since February.”
“It’s July. You’ve been involved with a man for months, and this is the first I’ve even heard of it. Oh my…”
“Mom! Seriously, what did you think I would do? Call you after our first date? This hasn’t been easy for me. I’ve had to come to terms with a lot of things that I’m frankly still trying to get my head around. But I’m still me. Nothing about me…nothing intrinsic about me has changed. You do know that, right?”
The silence was thick now, and it was hard to breathe. When she finally spoke, I was on the verge of passing out from lack of oxygen. Geez, maybe Aaron’s flair for the dramatic was rubbing off on me.
“Yes, I know. I love you, Matt. Nothing changes. Ever.”
And just like that, I could breathe again.
“Thank you,” I choked.
“Don’t thank me, Matthew. It’s my privilege…my honor…to be your mother. I won’t lie and say I’m happy to hear all this. The truth is, I don’t know what to say. But please…never doubt that I love you.”
Tears welled in her eyes. She gasped and put a hand over her mouth to cover the sound. I fought back my own emotions, knowing we weren’t feeling overcome for the same reasons. Perhaps she was mourning the man she thought I was while I was mourning someone I could never be. Not anymore. I wanted my parents to be proud of me…to accept me. I’d always been a “pleaser,” but I couldn’t play that part if it meant losing Aaron.
We quietly composed ourselves and I signaled the waiter for another drink. I didn’t know about her, but I needed it.
“Mom?”
“No, I’ll stick with this one for a bit longer.” She tilted her head toward her half-full wineglass. “So, tell me about Aaron.”
“He’s awesome.” I smiled, then burst out laughing in an almost cathartic sense of relief.
Okay, so it hadn’t gone great, but I’d done it. I finally said the words aloud and damn, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Maybe this was the beginning of a fresh start.
Part 3-
After a couple of months, I had to admit my “coming out” fresh start was more of a non-start where my family was concerned. There wasn’t a theatrical showdown with tears and ugliness. No one disowned me. They just ignored my revelation completely. At first I didn’t notice. Frankly, I was too busy, and when you factored in the geographical obstacle of Pittsburgh being over two hundred miles away from DC, it became a matter of “out of sight, out of mind.” I didn’t begin to clue in until after I found out I’d passed the bar in late October. It was a major milestone, and my parents were extremely proud.
“Oh, honey! We’re thrilled!” Mom squealed excitedly. I could picture her jumping up and down.
“We’re very proud of you, Matt,” Dad chimed in from the other line. “Are we going to see the new family lawyer soon, or will we have to wait till the holidays?”
“Probably. I was just assigned to help out on a new government contract for one of the partners.” I smiled into the phone when my mom cheered. “The thing is…there’s a deadline. I can’t come home for Thanksgiving.”
The stilted silence lasted longer than normal. Dad filled it in quickly with a comment about not working too hard, but he was obviously trying to avoid any awkwardness. He signed off, claiming he had something pressing to take care of in his home office and left me with my uncharacteristically silent mother.
“You there, Mom?”
“Yes. If you can’t come home, where will you go for Thanksgiving?”
“Aaron’s parents’, probably.”
“Aaron,” she repeated.
And that was when the proverbial lightbulb went on.
I’d noticed in past conversations when I brought up his name in a general sense, like “Aaron and I went to…” or “Aaron made dinner and…” the topic was changed. I figured it would take some time, but I wasn’t going to pretend he wasn’t an important part of my life. I wanted to be with him…especially during the holidays.
To be fair, my mom probably wouldn’t have been happy if I’d told her I was spending Thanksgiving with a girlfriend either. The holidays were sacred to my mother…an extremely important traditional season for family gatherings. But knowing her, she would have started asking about wedding plans as though there was major significance in sharing turkey dinner with a significant other’s family. In a way, that was true. She couldn’t ignore Aaron now. A showdown was imminent. I sighed deeply and massaged the bridge of my nose, hoping for the best.
“Mom, I—”
“I understand you’re busy, Matt, but…the holidays are for family and since he is a new friend of y
ours, maybe—”
“No, Mom. Look, this is a weird conversation to have over the phone, but I’m going to try. I…” I stopped and looked out the huge picture window in Aaron’s small apartment. He’d gone out for a run, and if I wanted to finish this conversation before he returned, I needed to figure out how to firmly but kindly deal with someone I loved and respected without causing unnecessary hurt. I was like a bull in a china shop when it came to important emotional exchanges, so chances were good I’d fuck it up somehow. “Aaron is my boyfriend. He isn’t a random friend. I don’t know what the holidays will be like with my work schedule but—”
“Okay, I understand. I have something on the stove. I love you, Matt, and I’m so very proud of you. Bye, hon.”
She hung up on me. What the fuck?
“Y’all right?”
I turned at the sound of a soft, southern-infused voice. It was Jay, Aaron’s best friend, and the look of concern on his handsome face told me he’d heard some of my conversation with my mother.
“Sorry to barge in.” He jiggled a set of keys and then tossed them into the orange bowl on the small kitchen table. “I knocked but you didn’t hear. I told Aaron I’d drop these off. He said you needed a spare and…what’s troublin’ you, honey?”
Jay was a lot like Aaron in many ways. He was an out-and-proud, confident gay man with a joie de vivre. He was also smart, funny, and really good-looking. If anyone told me he modeled for Ralph Lauren ads, I’d believe them. Jay was a couple of inches taller than me, with a slim, toned swimmer’s body. He was always friendly and easy company, but he was extremely protective of those he loved, like Aaron. Thank God he liked me.
“Family shit.” I filled him in briefly as I greeted him with a fist bump he turned into a hug.
“Darling, you have my sympathy,” he said, shaking his head ruefully. “No disrespect intended here, but Peter’s mother is…how shall I put this? She’s a shrew, a dragon, a witch…or just a bitch. Take your pick. Any of those work, really. We’ve been together for five years. We live in the same house, sleep in the same bed. My things are everywhere, but she still treats me like the hired help or an irritating guest who won’t take the hint and fucking leave already. She’s exhausting, but I’ve learned to bite my tongue and kill her with kindness. Even when I’d like to drop a toaster on her head.”